Nick stood against the wall on the large back deck overlooking the vast backyard that was almost as big as the one on the ranch he used to live on back in Texas. It had surprised him how much the two houses were alike. But he wasn't worried about that right now. He was worried about the man standing in front of him, leaning against the railing of the deck with his back to the younger man.
It was chilly outside, and the stars and moon shining above cast an eerie light over enough of the backyard and porch to light up some of it, but kept enough of it in the shadows to give Nick the chills that weren't just from the gentle wind blowing. Sure he didn't have a jacket on and only had a short sleeved t-shirt, but the entire situation added together was enough to make his hands shake and the hair on the back of his neck stand up straight.
"Jack," Nick said again, this time taking a few steps closer to the other man. "Will you at least look at me?"
Jack turned around abruptly and faced Nick. "What the hell do you think you're doing Nicholas?"
Nick could count on one hand the number of times he could recollect being called by his complete first name, and none of those times had been because he had done something good. Hearing Jack call him that made him shiver again. His stomach flipped at the look on Jack's face and the tone of his voice only made matters worse.
"I'm doing what needs to be done," Nick replied simply.
Jack shook his head. "No, it didn't need to be done at all. You don't even realize what you just did, do you?"
"Yeah, I'm fully aware of it."
"And you think it's going to be fine and nothing bad is going to happen to you? Look at what happened to you when you weren't even involved. Surella could have killed you, and you're fucking lucky that he didn't. You have no idea what you're getting into," Jack said, lowering his voice from almost yelling to an almost whisper.
"Then tell me," Nick said. "Tell me what he wants with me and why he was so quick to just let me in. Don't bullshit me Jack, I know he wants something from me."
"What do you want from him?" Jack asked.
Nick shook his head. "Nothing."
"Then what are you doing this for? The life you would have had if you had grown up a Sparazza? If that's it, you're wasting your time. You don't want that life Nick."
"That's not what I'm doing."
"Then what are you doing?" Jack yelled, not caring anymore if James or Mike heard them, which they probably couldn't anyway. "Risking your life for no reason? For a family that you don't even know? Or is it for your job, which tied in with this will get you killed?"
Nick stood there silently for a moment before answering. "It's kind of a mix of all of those," he said. "I don't know why, but all my life I've felt like every crime ever committed is my fault because I knew that it could have easily been me committing them. That's why I'm a CSI, to try and balance all that out. I've always wondered if I'm who I'm supposed to be, and I never thought I'd find out the answer. Now I can. Now I can get rid of the burden and the guilt and the curiosity and in the long run...do the right thing for once."
"You're looking for something that doesn't exist," Jack said. "You're playing with fire Nick, and you're holding a tank filled to the brim of gasoline while you do it."
"Then it's a good thing it's filled all the way up," Nick replied. Jack frowned. "Liquid gasoline doesn't ignite, it's fumes do. If it's filled all the way, I'm fine," he added with a small smile.
Jack shook his head slowly. "You're too smart for your own good," he said. "You're such a smart kid, and you can't seem to understand that there's a reason I fought so hard to keep you from this for so long. It was for your safety, and even though you're a grown man now, I can't accept that I can't make these decisions for you anymore."
"I know what I'm doing," Nick said, trying to reassure Jack. "Everything's gonna be okay, I promise."
Jack sighed heavily. "I wish you were the one that got to decide that."
"I can do this," Nick said, knowing that Jack knew what he was trying to do even though he couldn't explain it. "You know I can, you've taught me everything already."
"I've been living this life for longer than you've been alive," Jack said, locking eyes with Nick. "I've seen guys come and go, ones who thought they had what it takes. I've seen my fair share of guys get whacked for doing or saying the wrong thing, or just overall pissing the wrong guy off. I don't want to see that happen to you."
"It won't," Nick said weakly, not knowing what else to say because he wasn't sure what was going to happen any more than Jack was. No one could be sure if this was going to work, backfire, or do the complete opposite of what Nick intended.
"You don't know that," Jack replied. "Out of everything I've learned from this life, none of it is as important as this. It's something dire that you need to know and understand, and never forget, okay?"
Nick nodded and stood there, still as a statue, waiting for Jack to continue and ready to listen to every word he spoke.
"You can't trust anyone. No matter how much you think they love you, they'll step back if your blood pool gets too close," Jack said. "If you get whacked, it's always your best friend that does it. Expect everything so you'll never be surprised by anyone. You can't trust anyone because as your blood runs thin and your time runs out, no one will be listening. Not even if you scream. Your angels turn to devils, and then you finally figure out that no one will be with you in the end."
"So what am I supposed to do? Lie and not trust anyone?" Nick asked.
Jack nodded. "You're going to have to live a double life, one of which is going to be a complete and total lie about who you really are." He sighed softly. "Now the only question that remains is, which life is going to be the lie."
Nick's head was spinning as he looked around at the crime scene around him. He had just been here hours before, right before he had come into work. It was the exact same place with the exact same things, but they all looked different now. Everything had a yellow cone next to it denoting it as evidence and there was yellow police tape surrounding the entire area. Bright camera flashes light up some specific parts and obliterated others for breif seconds, then everything was once again cast under the flashing blue lights from the police cars nearby.
Nick stared down at the dead body at his feet, the blood pool that had formed from the through and through gunshot wound still wet on the how asphalt. He stood there, his camera and kit in hand, unable to move or think of anything other than what he already knew. He felt like he was working backwards. He usually had a scene where he had to find out what happened, but now, he already knew the ending and was putting it all back together. It was like a puzzle he had taken apart that needed to be fixed again.
Warrick noticed his partner standing there, apparently shell shocked, and only one thing came to his mind. He walked over to Nick, grabbed him by the arm and carefully pulled him to the side away from where anyone could hear what they were saying.
"Did you do this?" Warrick asked quietly.
Nick had still been staring at the dead body, but his eyes flickered to Warrick when the other man spoke. "What?"
"Did you do this?" Warrick repeated.
Nick shook his head. "No."
Warrick was still gripping Nick's arm. "You can tell me man, I'm not gonna turn you in or anything. It's not your fault, they wanted you to get involved fully." Warrick locked his eyes with Nick's."Did you do this?"
Nick shook his head again. "No," he said. Shaking his head and answering with only one word seemed to be the only thing he could do right now.
"Then what's wrong with you?"
Nick swallowed the lump that had slowly formed in his throat. "I was here when it happened. I didn't know what was happening though. Something to do with drugs or something. Then they shot him, and I was fine. I guess I was so shocked I didn't even realize what the hell happened. Then I saw him, and it all came back. I was there, here, and now it's different."
"You're working your own crime," Warrick said.
Nick shook his head yet again. "No, I didn't do it. I mean I was here and set up the stupid drug thing and whatever, but I didn't even have a gun. I already know what we're going to find here, and I haven't even processed anything."
"What are we gonna find?"
Nick sighed. "Absolutely nothing. That's the point, that's what they're good at. We won't even be able to figure out what happened, why, or what was involved, never mind who was involved. There's not gonna be anything to go on."
"But you saw it," Warrick said. "You set it up. Can't we use that to finally nail Sparazza? He had to have been behind all of this."
Nick nodded. "Yeah, of course he was. But I can't just go tell Brass what happened and hope for a conviction. I was involved, I set it up. Plus, they wanna build a case and get Sparazza several life sentences, if not the needle. It's gonna take alot more of these to get that," Nick said, motioning to their scene.
"So what are you gonna do?"
Nick sighed. "Pretend that I wasn't here, because no one's gonna find out any other way that I was."
Warrick nodded slightly. "So what happened?"
"I don't know. It was just supposed to be a simple drug-money exchange. He was buying some drugs from us," Nick said, looking back at the body, noticing how differnt the nice suit looked drenched in blood. "He was kind of a smartass and didn't trust me because he'd never met me before. Then he finally gave us the money, and then he was shot. It's all a huge blur, I can't even picture most of it."
"Maybe this is a bad idea," Warrick said. "You shouldn't have to do this to yourself Nicky."
Nick looked at his best friend with a sad smile on his face and in his dark brown eyes. "It's too late for that now. I'm in, and I have to see this through. Idon't have a choice. This is something I just have to do, no matter how much it sucks, it'll be worth it in the end."
Nick looked back at the dead body of the man who had been alive mere hours ago and sighed heavily. "I hope so at least."
Thanks for the reviews, and I'm glad I've been able to update sooner now that I have more time to do so. I'm also glad to say that the action will be picking up steadily over the next couple of chapters, with less talk and more action. Hope you're enjoying and will continue to do so.