Nick knew Jason was still staring at him, he didn't have to look up to know that. Nick had no clue as to what to say or do. He just stood there, glued to the spot, wishing everything would just go back to normal. He wished he could get selective amnesia and forget this whole thing, along with the fact that he knew very well that the man standing five feet away from him wasn't his brother. It didn't change how they felt about each other, but it still mattered. It still sucked and hurt to know that truth. It was worse that Nick was so affected by it when Jason didn't seem to care about it at all. Nick couldn't get past it and wished it weren't true instead of just shrugging it off and moving on with his life.
That was really the problem though, Nick realized. His life had become something he never thought it would be, and he knew it was his fault. He let this happen, chose for it to happen, and now he didn't know where that was going to take him. He wanted to get out, run away, disappear. But he knew he couldn't. He looked guilty of crimes enough as it is, it'd be like putting the nail in his own coffin if he just up and left. Then again, he didn't really care that everyone thought he was a criminal because he was a criminal. He did do all those things everyone thinks he did. He should just do everyone a favor and end everything, but the only way he knew how wasn't exactly the best way out. It was the perfect way out.
Nick looked up and met Jason's eyes. They were both still standing in the exact same spot they had been for what seemed like forever. Jason looked at Nick for a few more moments, waiting for him to say something. When he didn't, Jason took the initiative.
"Just let me help you Nicky," he said softly.
"Kill me," Nick replied.
Jason shook his head in disbelief. "What?"
"Kill me," Nick repeated. "You wanna help me, then kill me. I want you to just kill me."
The tone in Nick's voice made Jason's heartbeat skyrocket. "Stop fucking around," he said firmly.
"I'm not kidding," Nick said seriously. "I don't want to do this anymore, but I can't just get out and then everything goes back to normal. There's no way out other than this, and I can't kill myself. I tried that a few times and it didn't work out."
Jason couldn't believe what he was hearing. "What? You tried to kill yourself before?" he asked.
Nick nodded. "A few times. When I was buried alive and was running out of air and time, I was gonna, but then my team showed up and Warrick was there and made me put it down. Then when I got out and couldn't stpo having nightmares or panic attacks, I wanted it to just be over. I wanted to do it at least five times, but I never could."
"Because you can't go out that way," Jason said. "You don't want that Nick."
"Yes I do," Nick said. "You have no idea how much I want to feel nothing anymore. I want this to be over. I want everything to be over."
Jason shook his head. "Not like that," he said. "I can help you, we can get through this and make everything okay again. It just got taken too far, that's all. It can be fixed Nick, just give it a chance."
"Do you understand what I've done?" Nick asked. "I've trafficked countless kilos of drugs. I've stolen and made hundreds of cars better and sold them for absurd amounts of money. I learned how to count cards so I can help catch people doing it in casinos. I learned how to get betting lines evened out so that we make more money. I've seen far too many people be killed right in front of my eyes. And to make it all seem like a dream, I've done heroin almost every day since this all started. Then in my other life, I go to work everyday and see the people that love me and care about me slowly start to hate me because they know what I'm doing and what I've become. I investigate some of the crimes I committed or saw committed and know what happened, but can't do anything about it. I realize more and more everyday through my double fucking life that I'm not helping the FBI or anyone else build a case against the Sparazza's. I'm making them more money and getting better at what I do every fucking second of the day."
Jason opened his mouth to speak, but Nick cut him off before he could get anything out. "I just can't handle this anymore. I was hoping that maybe I would OD on heroin at some point, but I've used it so often I just built up a tolerance. I can't do this anymore Jason. You want to help me, so kill me."
Jason didn't respond in anyway. He stood there, staring at the younger man in front of him, feeling as if he were having a bad dream. He wished it were just a dream and that his little brother hadn't just asked him to end his life for him. He wished he had something to say to change Nick's mind, but he doubted his words could have any affect on him anymore. So he just stood there silently, unable to do anything, even when Nick turned around and walked out of the room.
After a couple minutes, Jason was tempted to go find where Nick had went to, but didn't have to. Nick returned to the kitchen, back to where he had been standing, but this time with a gun in his right hand. Jason stared at the metallic silver object nervously, but not because Nick was pointing it at him. Nick was holding it down by his side, casually, as if it wasn't a big deal that he had just gone and gotten his gun. He stood there for a moment, staring at Jason, who was staring at the gun in his hand.
Nick suddenly took a few steps foward, closing the gap in between him and Jason. All in one swift moition, he walked up to him and held the gun out at arm's length, meaning for Jason to take it. Jason kept his eyes on the gun the whole while Nick had walked over to him and still when Nick held it out for him. After looking at it for a few moments with it so close to him, Jason's eyes snapped up from the gun to Nick.
"This isn't funny Nick," Jason said softly.
"I'm not laughing Jason," Nick replied. He pushed the gun into Jason's hands, but he didn't grip it so Nick couldn't let go of it yet. "You said you wanted to help."
"I want to help you," Jason said, "not kill you. I don't want to hurt you."
"It's not gonna hurt," Nick said. "Not if you do it right."
"Do you think that this is fair?" Jason asked, trying to buy himself some time. "Do you think it's fair to ask someone, let alone your brother, to take your life? It may be easy for you to think about, but what about me? Do you really think I could do that to you?"
"Do it for me," Nick corrected.
Jason shook his head again. "No. I'm not doing it. You're fucking crazy Nick."
Nick pushed the gun against Jason again, but this time Jason pushed him back. Nick kept trying, and Jason kept pushing him back. Jason was not only older than Nick, but he was also taller and stronger. He didn't used to be this much stronger than Nick, but he figured the heroin was to thank for that. Nick putting up a fight would be futile, but he was going to try anyway.
They were in the living room now, and Nick decided to try and different tactic. He quickly flipped the gun around and pressed it into his own chest before grabbing Jason's arm. Jason was quicker however, and since he was stronger he was able to pull the gun completely away from Nick and throw it onto the couch ten feet away. He grabbed Nick's wrist tightly with his strong right hand and twisted his arm, turning Nick around. Jason kicked out the back of his knees and pushed Nick forward until his chest was against the hardwood floor he had been standing on moments before.
Jason held Nick down firmly, his struggles doing nothing against the other man's hold. Jason knelt down, one knee on the floor and the other in the small of Nick's back. After a few more tries, Nick finally gave up with a sigh and closed his eyes.
Jason released Nick's arm, but didn't stand up. "Are you done being a fucking maniac?" When Nick didn't respond, he stood up slowly. "Stop acting like there's nothing you can do to fix this. You know there is, you just gotta figure out what it is. Don't give up when you haven't even tried."
"I don't know what else to do," Nick said weakly as he slowly opened his eyes. "I don't want anyone to end up getting hurt because of me."
Jason bent down, grabbed one of Nick's arms and pulled him to his feet before responding. "Everything's gonna work out man, but not if you give up. Don't ever give up, okay?"
Nick shrugged weakly. "I don't think I have any other choice."
Jason nodded. "Yes you do. You can fight this. You are the smartest person I know. You can't seriously try to tell me that some washed up gangster is smarter than you are. He may know how to make millions doing illegal things, but you know how to think. You have this totally insane, but at the same time ingenius thought process. Coming up with schemes is like your past time. If you tell me that you're not gonna try to come up with the greatest plan ever, you really are crazy."
Nick smiled slightly. "I'm crazy no matter what."
Jason nodded again. "Yeah, that's true, but it's to what extent really."
Before either one of them had any time to do anything, the front door flew open and Mike walked in with James right behind him. Jack followed soon after, his face pale and masked by a defeated expression.
"What the hell's going on?" Nick asked.
"We need you to come with us," James said. "Both of you. If you will," he said politely, motioning to the still open door.
"Nick, what the fu-" Jason started, but was cut off.
"Silence is golden," Mike said sarcastically.
Nick looked at Jack, who was clearly avoiding his eyes. "Mind if I ask what's going on and where we're going?"
"I'd mind it less if you would just come with us," James said. "Don't worry Nick, everything's gonna be okay."
Nick looked at Jason, who looked terrified. Nick was scared himself. He didn't know what was going on or why. James had clearly known that Jason had been there and had either been waiting for him, or had chosen this point in time to carry out some part of his plan that was still unknown to Nick. Sighing heavily, Nick slowly walked out of the house, not looking up at Jack as he past him. Jason followed him out, not knowing what else to do.
As the exited the house, Nick looked up at the setting sun and focused all his attention on willing everything to really be okay. He didn't know what he would do if something happened to someone he loved, especially if it was because of this. He hoped that Jason was right and that he'd be able to find a way out of this, preferably sooner rather than later.