Disclaimer: I still don't own KH. :)
Ehehe... sheepish grin Did I say 'tomorrow'? I meant in a few days! Seriously, though this is late because A. Roxas POV is EXTREMELY difficult for me to right in a way that I'm as happy as possible with, B. I wanted to actually read some Akuroku fics on Akuroku day before I passed out, and C. I needed to help my sister and her husband move in. But it's here now! :) Whee, I'm so happy!
P.S. In this chapter I reference servant nobodies for all the Org XIII that were at Castle Oblivion, but not all of them have confirmed specific lesser Nobody followers. Some do, however, like Zexion (creepers) and Axel (assassins). If anyone's curious, Roxas had control over Samurai nobodies.
Behold, part 2! Starting... now!
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The next thing I heard was a soft gasp that seemed to echo all around me and a thought that was not my own: 'Axel!'
What? Who are you? Who's Axel? I'm pretty sure that's not my name... but I think it does have an 'x' in it...
The next thing I saw was my best friend burning to death, and everything cleared up almost too easily.
"You're... fading away..."
Kingdom Hearts, Axel, what have you done? If this is one of your stupid jokes, I swear I'll...!
"Well... that's what happens when you put your whole being into an attack. You know what I mean?"
Of course I do, and so do you, you imbecile! You know better than this! Part of me vaguely understood the strange sense of distance, but mostly I just wanted to scream for how he ignored me. At the moment I didn't really register or care about the other speaker in the conversation.
"Not that Nobodies actually have beings, right?" A weak chuckle. Stop this, Axel, you don't have to pretend... I know how your burns feel, quit wasting your energy joking and do something about it! "Anyway, I digress. Go, find Kairi. Oh, almost forgot: sorry for what I did to her."
...Kairi? What? That girl Sora saved? Axel, who cares, where's the potions? LISTEN TO ME, DAMNIT! Stop... stop dying right now, or I'll kill you...! I was freaking out a little too much to bother chasing after my train of thought with the last pinch of logic I currently had left.
"When we find her, you can tell her that yourself."
...Sora?
"Think I'll pass. My heart just wouldn't be in it, you know? Haven't got one." Idiot... what did you think you could accomplish by doing this? Whatever this is...
"Axel... what were you trying to do?" BESIDES THE STUPIDEST STUNT YOU'VE EVER PULLED! Would you LOOK at me, for Kingdom Hearts' sake?
"I wanted to see Roxas." I'm here! Axel, I'm right here! Look at me! Damnit, if Sora's such a hero, why doesn't he have any potions? Stop talking! "He... was the only one I liked. He made me feel... like I had a heart." You idiot, would you just... shut up? You can tell me these things once you're okay! In fact, never say this again! It sounds way too much like last words!
"It's kind of funny." Axel... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry I left, I'll do... whatever, I'll do anything you want! Just... stay! I want to hear all the stupid things you think are funny!
"You make me feel... the same." Axel. Please, Axel. Stop talking, concentrate. Call back the fire, call it back! I've seen you do it a million times! "Kairi's in the castle dungeon." SHUT UP! I don't care about Kairi! I just... would you just STAY? I promise I remember you! I remember everything! I've 'got you memorized', you asshole, don't you dare die on me now!
Why have you waited so long to say those things? I could've... I would've... I don't know, but we should have SAID...
"Now go." Axel... Axel! AXEL! I'm not LEAVING, you idiot! Don't waste your energy on that...!
"Axel..."
I can't even reach out to keep what's left of you here... If only Sora would reach for you, maybe the last of the flames would travel through and carry me away, too... we could find each other in the darkness, you're certainly conspicuous enough... at least I wouldn't be so cold anymore...
AXEL!
--
I've never felt more useless... all I can do is sit and watch and listen and feel. Why did I ever yearn for a heart? It's actually not so different, except that the aching inside is more like a stabbing pain than a dull emptiness (but was the emptiness my lack of heart or my lack of answers? That is what I left to find, after all). I can't seem to get warm, it's like I'm frozen.
But I've been to wintery worlds before and it's never felt quite like this.
So now I have a heart. What we all dreamed of. And I have all the answers I set out for.
Stupid Axel. With all that rambling he always did, you'd think he could've bothered to slip in the illuminating information that it wasn't worth it.
I miss him in a way I never thought I could. I miss his stupid rambling and his ridiculous catch phrase and his annoying habit of always ignoring his needs and fussing over me constantly and his teasing and his over-the-top gesturing and his corny jokes and the way he dragged me into EVERYthing and his laughter at odd moments, those ludicrously short eyebrows, those eyes, those hands, that smirk, and the rare smile...
I wish I'd taken the time back then to realize how much it all meant to me. Sure, I didn't have all the answers... and the Organization is far from perfect... and yeah, things were pretty freaky during the Castle Oblivion mission, when no one would tell me anything. (No one really spoke to me much at all, really, except for Demyx, and mainly he kept pestering me to take it easy on the missions. I preferred lots of missions to loitering around Never Was trying not to think about how bored I was.) But except for the day when Vexen's, Marluxia's, Lexaeus's, Zexion's, and Larxene's servant Nobodies all went mad and Axel didn't come back until Kingdom Hearts how late, I was never cold like this.
That night he appeared in my room with his face blank and drawn, and neither of us spoke as he curled up at the edge of my bed and squeezed his eyes shut, his brow barely smoothing as I touched his hand loosely. He'd never spent the night in my room before, and I had no idea what else to do. At the time, I had thought I could never feel (notfeel?) more helpless. The next night when we stopped by his door and I said goodnight he only nodded, again with that drained look in his eyes, and with a sigh I pulled him with me to my room. It was a solution that stuck, not even ending when he eyes finally began to glow with something like life again. We never questioned it; never spoke of it out loud.
"Axel said Kairi's in the dungeon."
"Then we'd better find a way to get to that castle."
Right, Kairi - that's all that seems to matter to you right now, Sora. I don't get it. What wonderful, amazing things did you do before all this began that make you more deserving of existing - of saving the people you care about instead of watching them destroy themselves?
I know that none of this is Sora's or Kairi's fault. They're just trying to live their lives. But when your own life isn't yours to live, I guess you can get a little bitter. The question has still been driving me crazy, though. Why Sora?
I don't plan on waiting around like a good little Nobody to find out, either.
"Sora!"
Huh. At least we can see each other face to face in a mental capacity. I guess I got my wish.
"A Keyblade?" Yes, a Keyblade - I just HAD to know why I had it.
I can relate to the utter confusion I find in his eyes as he grunts under the strain of my assault. After all, I spent six days amidst all this madness with no memory of what any of it meant. I'm overcome with a wistful sensation (or is it a feeling?) as he demands, "Who are you?"
Now I can feel my face twist into a sneer as I recall that repulsive man's offhand words and if Sora hears the bite in my tone, he doesn't mention it, "Someone from the dark." As we finally both release and move back, a strange desperation ignites in his eyes.
"You can't be... Riku?"
"Riku?" He does say things like that, doesn't he? I feel my shoulders tighten at the mention of the guy who Sora is so close to, the one who helped Diz lock me away again. I can't say I feel too much remorse as I reply, "I defeated a Riku once."
"You what?" It gives me a small amount of satisfaction to ignore his question after being hidden away all this time, but I still don't have my answer - the last answer I really need.
"Tell me! Tell me why he picked you!" I lunge again and frown as Sora rushes to defend and begins fighting back almost as an after thought. He doesn't fight like we do - sure, some times Axel and I would talk occasionally during spars, but it wasn't so much about the words as how they punctuated our battle. We didn't focus on things like anger, fear, confusion that we didn't have. Both of us fought with the understanding of the rhythm of our bodies and breath melding into movement - attack, defend, lunge, brush, slash, shout, dodge, connect, restrain, disarm. We always found ourselves closer to each other than we expected to be at the end of a spar. Often we knew each other's fighting patterns too well, and it was usually a draw. We fight like it's a part of us. Sora fights as one forced to it through circumstance. However, despite our differing styles, Sora is still a skilled fighter.
It isn't only fighting skill, though. We're fairly evenly matched as far as I can tell.
Never yielding once in my assault, I notice the images stained onto the 'floor', and felt my stomach knot. The image of the Keyblade Hero, alongside his companions and loved ones. Sora is someone everyone expects to save him. People depend on him and care for him. I know for a fact that no one depends on me for any sort of heroics, and now after Axel's reckless sacrifice, no one will miss me if I fade to nothing. I won't spit on his memory by denying his words.
"I see... that's why." The cold encroaches and I feel impossibly weary once again. If I could only fade into sleep, maybe I could dream of the next life until it finally comes... if we get a next life. Perhaps we aren't important enough.
I force my mind back to the battle - I have to finish this. If Sora going to be the conquering hero in all of this, he'd better at least be strong enough to defeat me.
Huh. Guess you aren't as perfect as you're made out to be, Sora. I had expected to be pleased by my victory, but I only felt (didn't feel?) vaguely disappointed. Why is he reaching out like that...?
"-What-?" I felt the wind get knocked out of me at the sudden, blunt pain from my shoulder to my side. As I stumbled forward, I let my control of the twin Keyblades slip and felt my hood sweep backwards from my face.
I took a moment to catch my breath as I got to my feet. The disappointed feeling seeped away, leaving a strange satisfaction. I felt my lips slide up in a smile. Sora... I guess you are strong enough to protect your friends after. Something that I couldn't do...
Being proven wrong can be such a bittersweet experience. I almost chuckled as I saw his - I can imagine that same expression has graced my own face plenty of times.
"You make a good other."
You'd better appreciate how lucky you are. This was my last thought before my world again went dark.
--
I wasn't sure what I expected after all that, but it certainly wasn't to wake up outside of Sora's head. I blinked and resisted the urge to rub my eyes as the world I found myself in blurred to life before me. Twilight Town...?
"Finally woken up?" Had I not already realized where I was, I might've jumped right off the tower. That voice...! I felt my body ease instantly as I looked up to find that my ears weren't just playing tricks on me. But was my mind...?
"Axel..." So many (not) emotions and thoughts flooded through my mind at that moment that for the moment I couldn't process any of them. He's here... he's HERE. I could only stare and vaguely recognize the sorely missed warmth seeping back into my body. The sun was shining on us both.
"No... maybe you're going back to sleep." His words were tinted with melancholy, and I suddenly felt endlessly guilty, "Soon I won't even be able to talk to your consciousness like this." He cast his eyes downward, and I had to look away, even though I was so relieved to see him.
"I..." I'm sorry. I want to stay. I miss you so much. I can't take this cold. Please wait for me. If you get ahead of me again I don't know how I'll catch up. "I'm going back to how I was." It sounded so much like an excuse, but it was a truth I was only now coming to terms with, and I hated forcing him into it too. As Axel bent down to join me at my seat, he still didn't look at me, gazing out into the sunset, and I found myself wondering what this place was, anyways. Was it a place Sora could reach someday? A place I could reach?
"I've thought about it a lot. Namine said the same thing." At the mention of Namine, I glanced at him, but his face revealed nothing - had she visited this place as well? Again, our eyes didn't meet, so I looked down again. I hated this because it felt almost like his death all over again, staring just past me, endlessly.
Axel, please. Look at me. You wanted to see me, right? I need to see you too.
"Roxas," Relief filled me. I hadn't realized how much I missed that, either: the way Axel said my name, as if I was important to him, just me, and no one else. I didn't have to wonder if he actually wanted Sora, he wanted to know what I thought. I watched as emerald green eyes finally, FINALLY met mine, "You have a heart, don't you?" His voice was soft. He always seemed younger, more his own age, when we talked about things like this, "While Namine and I... we don't really have hearts, do we?" His smile was sad.
"I... I don't know either." I replied, shaking my head. Having a heart, if I did indeed have one now, didn't make things any clearer at to whether or not you did have one. I can't help you with this one, Axel.
"...I guess not." He looked so disappointed. I couldn't blame him, it was extremely frustrating. Really, though... it doesn't matter if we have hearts or not. I realized, Even before... I always felt differently toward you than the others. And Demyx... Demyx seemed happy enough, and he just decided that he could feel.
"But, the heart's not something you can see..." So maybe... as long as you can feel something, can realize that you care about another person... maybe that's what a heart can be. Isn't that the thing we wanted most? If I do have a heart now, I didn't notice a difference... "I've started wondering whether it's something you can't feel, either. If so, then..." I trailed off. I could see him shifting a little, glancing towards me in my peripheral vision. If so, then what?
If so, then if we hear Xemnas telling us we can't feel things like love and friendship, we can tell him to go fuck himself. If so, then this warmth I've felt inside me for so long is more than just sensation. If so, then there's so many things I should've said. ...If so, then I still have to go, and I'll still lose you anyways...
How could I do that to him? Tell him something like this and then rip it away by leaving him again?
...I can't. I can't say it. If I say it, I won't be able to say goodbye - and I have to. I clenched a fist a little, frustrated and pained, and looked down, frowning, "Nah. Never mind."
Axel grunted in response, "Huh? What are you getting at?" I can hear a little frustration in his voice as well, though it wilts into something I hope is understanding. I pause for a moment and just gaze at the sunset. I'm glad, at least, that we can watch this together.
I'm sorry, Axel. I'm dodging his question and we both know it: "I'm sure that Sora will find the answer." I smile a little, wistful, "Because he's me." Not exactly - but I hope he searches for that answer for us. Maybe I can remember it for when we meet again. I suddenly feel some weight ease from my shoulders at a new realization: I have no doubt that there is a next life for both of us. After all - we're here, aren't we?
Axel gives a small huff that seems part laughter and part resignation, "Yeah, that's true." I take a moment to engrave that smile in my memory. I'll probably need it later. Silence falls over us for a moment and in my mind I'm telling him everything I can't say. As the sun dips lower over the horizon I catch a flash of blue in my peripheral vision and glance over curiously. Axel's somehow managed to acquire my favourite ice cream, and I hmm in surprise. One thing I'm confused about is where he's been keeping those, but mainly I'm wondering why he has two of them. Axel isn't actually a huge fan of Sea Salt Ice Cream, and he only ever eats it when I'm around. Was he waiting for me? Stupid question, but... How did he know I was coming?
Roxas savoured salty sweet taste as it glided over his tongue, and enjoyed the feeling of contentment as he looked over to see Axel nibbling his own ice cream, probably trying to avoid getting too much of the taste into his mouth. He nipped once more and sighed softly, "This really takes me back. Do you remember? We first met the day you got your new name, and then we watched the sunset from up here..."
Roxas did remember. He remembered wondering if seeking out activities like sunset watching was a usual thing for people (Nobodies) without hearts, or if Axel was just a special case. He remembered eyeing the ice cream stand curiously and spending a good minute studying the bar before Axel laughed and told him to hurry and eat before it melted. This was when Roxas had first experienced the sticky sensation of the sugary liquid on his fingers. He'd stared for a moment, unsure of himself, before Axel had shrugged and instructed him on the subject, "Just lick it off. No harm, no foul, no wasted ice cream. Got it memorized?" Roxas had stared at him oddly for the strange phrase, and then tried out this rather messy method. It was simple and effective, and Roxas had decided then that Axel seemed like a fairly practical person (Nobody). He'd then glanced over in surprise as Axel took an especially large bite of ice cream and exclaimed, "Blergh! What the hell? I thought the Sea Salt thing was just a gimmick name!"
Roxas smiled at the memory, "Yeah. This is where I came from." It's always where I lived out a fake life. He frowned a little bit, "Everyone..." None of them had been real... but they'd been based on their real counterparts, they couldn't have been so different. "Hayner, Pence, Ollette... I hope their okay." I hope you're all still friends with each other. We - you were good together.
"You should go see them again, looking for your answer." His voice was soft again, perhaps picking up on some of my melancholy. He was always thinking of me. How could I have missed it before...?
"Yeah..." I knew my time was running out. I could feel my thoughts getting fuzzier as I spoke - I was going back to sleep. I didn't look at him as I spoke, I hated to watch his expression fall like that. "So... I have to go." I want to stay. "Sora's waiting for me." Will you be waiting for me, Axel?
"Yeah... I guess he is." He turned away and took a huge bite of ice cream to cover what I knew must've been some amount of frustration. I couldn't blame him, this was much too short. To really say everything we wanted to, and to do everything we wanted to... well, it would probably take a lifetime. Nobodies were good at wanting, after all.
I waited. 3...2...1...
"Gah! This ice cream is really salty!" For such a smart person, you can be an idiot sometimes, I thought fondly, and I couldn't help but smile.
We sat in silence, and all I could do was bask in this warmth and his scent, until I could physically feel myself being pulled back, and a soft light began to glow around me. All I could do was smile for him, "See you later, Axel."
"See you... Partner." My eyes burned at the sight of his defeated gaze, and my smile became infinitely sadder as I watched a single tear escape. Even as my body became more translucent I reached out and slid my smaller hand over his own, just as I had that night long ago, and held firm for as long as it took for me to disappear. I kept my eyes on his and tried to convey with my gaze what I really believed, now: Everything will be all right. Even if we need each other here... I'll meet you there in the next life. Then I'll tell you everything. I promise.
Sora wasn't the only one with promises to keep. I gave his hand one, final squeeze before closing my eyes to feel the warmth fade from under my touch. As I faded back into the recesses of Sora's mind, I could taste salty remnants of the ice cream we'd shared on my lips, and a few more drops of saline liquid joined them.
--
No, Sora, I'm not doing your homework for you. That's cheating, and frankly, it's some form of Nobody abuse or something.
Come on, pleeeeaaaase, Roxas? I can't figure it out and it's taking forever! It's not good for our health to be stuck inside all day!
You get plenty of sun, you live on an island. And you've only been working for 20 minutes, genius. It's not that hard.
Well if it's so easy why can't you help me?
Quit pouting. I know you are... and don't you think you look a little crazy sticking your tongue out at nothing?
Rox-aaas!
Sor-aaaaa. Anyways, what are you in such a big hurry today for?
Riku's meeting me at the island, we're gonna spar! Even in his head he sounded more excited than anyone I've ever met, except maybe Demyx. Kairi might be coming, too.
She's busy today?
Yeah, helping out her mom with some home improvement project or something. It's okay. It's kind of nice to just be alone with Riku sometimes, too. We can't always talk about the same things with Kairi anymore, I mean, we don't lie to her or anything, but there's just some things that I think she'd... prefer not to hear, you know? I hate seeing her upset by things that happened to us.
You get upset by some of the things Riku tells you about.
Yeah, but... it's just different with Kairi, sometimes. I can't help but worry about her, she's one of my best friends ever. Why didn't he just say 'bestest'? Anyways, it's also nice to be with just Riku sometimes because... He's Riku. Does that make sense? I'm not sure how to explain it.
I think I get what you mean. Don't worry with Kairi though - you three all just met up again after two years of absence. You've all grown, so you're bound to fit together in different ways than you did before. Give it some time.
Thanks Roxas. I'll remember that. But you do get what I mean? Did you have someone like Riku?
Someone EXACTLY like Riku? No, thank Kingdom Hearts, but... yeah. Someone like that.
...I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up. Was it someone from Twilight Town? Maybe we could pay a visit there! Then you could at least see them!
...I'm sure we'll cross paths again eventually. Anyways, what time did you say you had to meet Riku and maybe Kairi?
Three thir-oh my gosh! I'm so late!
What about your homework?
I only have a little bit more to do! Will you help me with it later?
...Fine. Just this once. Remember though: "helping" doesn't mean "doing everything while Sora takes a nap in the back of his mind."
No mind-napping! Gotcha!
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The End
Hope you enjoyed! Please take some time to review, I will love you forever and give you virtual cookies!
Love, Kelska