Chapter 16: You'll have to take my word for it.
"Elizabeth, do you have a minute?" Sheppard stood uncertainly at Doctor Weir's office door an hour later.
"Of course," Elizabeth agreed, closing her laptop to focus on John. "Are you ready to tell me what had you dragging Rodney out of here earlier?"
"I guess," Sheppard said unenthusiastically, stepping into the office but remaining standing just in case he needed a quick escape. "I'm just gonna blurt all this out and I'd really appreciate it if you could save your reaction until the end, okay?"
"Is there a problem?" Elizabeth looked up at Sheppard in concern.
"That really depends on how you define 'problem'," Sheppard replied. "You already know some of this from when the city was threatened by the hydrothermal vent and I admitted that I could hear Atlantis – that hum in my head?" Elizabeth nodded wordlessly. "Well it ah ... it goes a little deeper than that."
"It's not just a hum?" Elizabeth frowned in confusion.
"Not exactly," Sheppard clenched his fists resolutely. "The energy beam that knocked me out at that outpost had an unexpected side affect that wasn't obvious straight away. It opened my mind to my connection with the city and Atlantis began speaking with me directly. She helped me tighten the plan to tug the city out of danger and during my attempt to get the city moving she directed extra power from other systems. Without her the plan would have failed," Sheppard paused before continuing. "Most recently when I was trapped in Aperio's system I didn't even know it wasn't real. It was only Atlantis appearing as an avatar at the end that changed that. She showed me how to get out before it was too late."
"She?" Elizabeth asked curiously.
"Ah," Sheppard looked a bit sheepish before admitting, "it's a chorus of voices but they sound feminine to me so 'She' seemed appropriate." He looked at Elizabeth intently as she remained silent, worrying about what she was thinking. "Are you gonna say anything?" he finally asked.
"I'm not sure what to say," Elizabeth admitted. "I can guess why you kept quiet about this but perhaps it would be more helpful if you told me yourself."
"Politics," Sheppard said grimly. "I know you'll have to let the IOA and the SGC know about this ... there's no way the IOA will resist the opportunity to use it to their advantage. Just think how much we could find out about all the devices and systems still to discover because I can guarantee the IOA will be."
Sheppard quietly watched Elizabeth as she sat looking off into the distance, clearly thinking about how to handle the situation.
"Is there any proof of this?" Elizabeth finally asked with a calculated look.
"No," Sheppard admitted. "This is all taking place in my head so unless you can find a way to listen in you'll have to take my word for it."
"Well until we can do that I don't see that we have anything to report," Elizabeth raised an eyebrow, waiting for John to work out what she was offering.
"You'd keep my connection to Atlantis a secret?" Sheppard asked incredulously.
"What connection?" Elizabeth quizzed. "So far all I know is that you think you can talk to the city. Probably a sign of the stress you've been under and certainly nothing to worry the IOA with. A few sessions with Doctor Heightmeyer should help."
"Thank you," Sheppard said gratefully, confused surprise still in his tone.
"Why are you so surprised I'd react like this?" Elizabeth asked curiously.
"Doctor Beckett in the virtual environment diagnosed me with PTSD – the symptoms of Aperio messing with my head were very similar to what you'd get with that," Sheppard admitted. "In the beginning she pretended to be Atlantis, using my connection with the city as the explanation for how she could appear to me. I needed to remove the suspicion of PTSD so I could move around freely and work out what her real agenda was."
"So you had to tell everyone you could speak with Atlantis," Elizabeth worked out.
"Yeah," Sheppard agreed.
"And my reaction was different?" Elizabeth persisted.
"Very much so," Sheppard replied. "You gave a report to the SGC that resulted in orders for me to report to Area 51. You agreed to that – fully supported it in fact."
"I see," Elizabeth said with a troubled frown.
"Look I'm sorry," Sheppard spoke quickly. "I know Aperio was manipulating my reactions but she only knew to do that because she tapped into my worries. I have been concerned about the reaction I'd get if I revealed the true nature of my connection to the city."
"You thought you wouldn't get the support you needed for this?" the tone in Elizabeth's voice was a little hurt.
"No!" Sheppard denied. "I trust you Elizabeth, you and the rest of my team. My worries had nothing to do with you ... I guess I'm just not comfortable with this yet. I don't want to be different – and especially this kind of different, where there really is no proof beyond what I tell you."
"What kind of reactions did you imagine from the others?" Elizabeth asked curiously.
"It got around the city pretty quickly," Sheppard admitted. "Half the expedition was scared of me and the other half wanted to study me. Lorne wanted to replace me because he thought I was a security risk. Teyla got all weird, trying to turn me into some kind of Pegasus galaxy prophet. Ronon thought the touchy feely connection made me weak as a soldier. Oh and Beckett didn't believe me – he thought I was crazy."
"Wow," Elizabeth murmured. "You certainly covered the full spectrum of fears didn't you?"
"I'm sorry," Sheppard said again, not really sure what he was apologising for this time.
"It's okay," Elizabeth reassured him. "I can't begin to imagine how difficult this is for you but perhaps you could focus on all the positives rather than concentrating only on the negatives. This city has witnessed the comings and goings of the Ancients and stood firm for thousands of years ... and you can talk to her directly. That really is a special gift you've been given John ... perhaps it's time to start appreciating it instead of worrying about maintaining your 'under cover' mindset."
"Geeze, don't hold back or anything," Sheppard grumbled, finally deciding sitting down would be a good idea. "I get what you're saying and I'll work on it okay?"
"Good," Elizabeth agreed. "I'm guessing that Rodney already knows but Teyla and Ronon deserve to be informed as well."
"Rodney kind of worked it out for himself," Sheppard said defensively. "As for the rest of the team ... I was planning to let them in on things once I'd gotten a bit more comfortable with it myself."
"Take the time you need," Elizabeth agreed, "just don't keep them in the dark for too long. You have a good dynamic with your team – don't risk that by letting in the suggestion that you don't trust them."
"You're right," Sheppard rubbed a tired hand over his eyes, not looking forward to that conversation. "I'll do it after we've fixed the Aperio problem."
"I'm assuming you've come forward now because talking to Atlantis has become a factor is our plans to remove the Aperio system?" Elizabeth raised an eyebrow expectantly.
"Yes," Sheppard admitted. "Rodney suggested we get Atlantis to protect my mind from being trapped again so that I can do everything we were intending my avatar to do. I didn't think you'd approve me returning to the virtual environment unless you knew that."
"You're right," Elizabeth nodded in understanding. "And have you checked with the city to see if she's capable of helping you?"
"Of course," Sheppard said in exasperation. "I wouldn't have gone to the trouble of spilling the beans otherwise."
"No I don't suppose you would have," Elizabeth said with a certain grim tone in her voice that let Sheppard know he was still in trouble for that. "Once this crisis is past I'd like to talk to you about that. For now, proceed with your plan."
"Thanks," Sheppard jumped up quickly and headed for the door. A thought occurred to him and he turned back at the doorway. "I don't really have to see Doctor Heightmeyer do I?" Sheppard asked casually.
"Get out of here," Elizabeth dismissed him, deliberately not answering the question.