Chapter 6

The next day was Christmas Eve. Jaime kept watching the clock in her room waiting until it was time to go catch a cab to Oscar's house. She made sure to wear his gift – in fact she had never taken it off the night before. It was if his heart was pressed next to hers, and it gave her a sense of comfort to wear it.

Jaime had brought Oscar a present as well. She had knitted him an Irish fisherman's sweater. She had guessed at his size, sneaking a peak inside on of his shirts he had left lying around after a mission last year. It had taken her a few months to find the wool and learn the stitches, but the result pleased her. She hadn't thought about taking it to him last night - it wasn't exactly something she could have slipped into her purse. Jaime grabbed the gift and darted to the lobby and out the front door right at 11:45. Within 15 minutes to the second she was at Oscar's home.

Walking up the driveway to the large black front door, she rapped hard on the door with the knocker. It made her nervous to think that she had been here once before. She brought the gift from behind her back as he opened the door. "Merry Christmas, Oscar." She stepped inside quickly to get out of the cold. The wind was picking up, making the somewhat balmy December weather a bit more intolerable.

He stared at the elegantly wrapped box - he hadn't expected this as he and Jaime didn't usually exchange gifts. "You didn't have to buy me something babe." Oscar found himself a little tongue tied and unable to move.

Jaime ran her hand up his back supportively. "I didn't buy it – I made it. Go ahead – it won't bite – open it." Jaime walked with him into his living room and sat down on the oversized leather sofa. She liked his house. It was very manly and dark, but had a warm, comfortable feel about it.

Oscar tentatively slid the ribbon off the package and unwrapped the green paper from the box. He lifted the lid and took out the sweater. "You made this? For me?" His heart was touched. He had never received such a thoughtful gift. He looked at Jaime sitting next to him. What had he done to deserve the love of such a woman?

Jaime smiled. She knew by the look on his face that he truly liked his gift, and piped in, "See, I used four stitches: the honeycomb stitch for hard work; the diamond stitch for success, the cable stitch for good luck, and the basket stitch for…hope." She lingered on the word 'hope' as her eyes, full of it, looked into his. "I hope it fits you."

Oscar quickly slipped it over his head. It was a perfect fit. "Thanks babe. I love it. Really." He could feel a lump rising in his throat, the anxiety over their lunch discussion was beginning to overwhelm him. He could see Jaime's eyes scanning the room, looking for information, clues into his past, clues into his existence. She was a trained agent – and a damned good one. He knew it wouldn't take her long to notice the pictures on the piano. He watched her as she walked over to the piano to pick up the picture of his wife.

Jaime sensed that Oscar was waiting for her to make the first move. It was going to be hard to feign ignorance, but she was going to do her damndest. "Who's this?" she said, feigning curiosity. She wanted to put some distance between herself and Oscar, for his sake. Her heart ached for him, knowing how difficult this was going to be – for both of them.

Oscar swallowed hard. "My wife."

"Your what?!" Jaime said softly.

Oscar walked over to the other side of the piano and picked up the pictures of his children, tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. "That's Suzanne, and these are my kids – Rose and Sam." He could see Jaime's jaw drop. It wasn't all a ruse, she found it hard to fathom the words now that they were coming from his lips and not Rudy's. They seemed all the more real, raw and filled with sorrow.

"Where are they now? I mean, I've never heard you mention them." Jaime hated to force him into this corner, but they might as well get to it.

"They're dead. It'll be 13 years this June." Jaime was silent, forcing Oscar to continue. She sat back on the sofa, watching Oscar pace back and forth in front of her. "We had gone up to Maine for a little vacation. Suzanne and I were…well…we were having some problems, and I wanted to try to work it out, but I think she had had enough of Oscar Goldman – OSI. We weren't up there two days and we had a big fight. She took Rose and Sam, got on our boat and left. I ran after her, begging her to stay, but it was too late. The boat exploded. By the time I got there, there was nothing I could do." His voice was a hoarse whisper, choked back by the tears flowing from his eyes and sobs pushing up from his chest. Jaime walked over to him and wrapped him protectively in her arms, trying to keep him safe from himself and his past – to make his troubles and guilty memories disappear.

He was such a powerful man – in presence and in body, but now, to see him like this, he seemed like a little boy who just needed to be cared for, to be loved. Jaime's emotions had gotten the best of her, and she found herself fighting back a torrent of tears. It was too much to contemplate that three such bright lives had been snuffed out with such callous indifference, leaving behind the tattered shell of the man that was once Oscar Goldman. A man capable of such emotion, such tenderness and caring now relegated to a shadow of his former self, unable to pull himself out of the depths of his guilt and despair.

Jaime resisted the urge to say anything, feeling like there was more Oscar wanted to say. She took his hand tenderly in hers, and led him back to the sofa. "It took Jack Hansen two days to find the bodies. He and Suzanne had been college sweethearts, and he took her death pretty hard too. He pretty much laid the blame at my feet, implying that the Asian splinter group that had threatened me earlier was most likely behind the explosion."

It was the first time he had talked about his family in more than a decade. Being such a strong, private man, Oscar never wanted to burden anyone with his feelings of grief and anguish. It seemed to him to be a sign of weakness, and he had never allowed himself to grow close enough to someone to let them see his vulnerability. The old wounds hadn't healed, and it hurt Oscar deeply to relive the events of that fateful day. But with Jaime, he felt his heart would be safe. She wouldn't see him as weak.

He took her hands in his, caressing them gently. Jaime patted his hands lightly, dipping her head to look up into his downcast eyes. "Oh, Oscar…I'm so sorry. I just can't imagine what you've been through. What were they like? Would you like to talk about them?"

Oscar surprised even himself when he began talking about Suzanne, Sam and Rose. It was almost cathartic. He even dragged out a large family photo album. Jaime sat next to him, leaning slightly against his chest for comfort as she looked at the pictures of a once vibrant, happy family. Even though Oscar was right next to her, he was miles away – back at his house in Maine, more than twelve years in the past. He told her about how he had met Suzanne at a State Department function. She was still dating Jack Hansen at the time, but soon fell in love with the dashing young OSI man. Oscar recalled the day he first found out he was going to be a father – of twins, how nervous he had been at first that he would break them. "They were such bright, happy kids. I loved coming home, having them run up to meet me at the door. I'd sweep one into each arm and tickle them….And I played a pretty mean game of hide and seek – all my training you know."

Jaime could see the wistful look in his eyes. "They always felt safe in my arms. They knew daddy would never let anything happen to them. That I'd always be there for them." Jaime had to use her bionic ear to hear his last words, they were almost inaudible. She leaned in to hug him, resting her chin on his shoulder.

"Oh, Oscar…" she said soothingly as she gently rubbed his back, feeling his body heave each time he choked back the tears. They sat there in each other's embrace for what seemed like an eternity. The tension that had been building in him over the last several months was finally diminishing, melting away as Jaime held him in her arms. It felt so good to feel tenderness and compassion again.

Pulling his head away, he looked into Jaime's eyes, his face inches from hers. The urge to kiss her, to allow her to kiss him was overpowering. He could feel the years of defenses crumbling around him, and he suddenly felt very exposed, very vulnerable. Jaime had begun to unlock his heart and he hadn't even realized he had given her the key. This concerned him and his mind drifted back to his family.

"So…I guess I wasn't much of a father…When my kids needed me most, I wasn't there for them...Now do you see why I can't get involved with you?... I'd be hazardous to your health." His voice was filled with sadness, and tinged with bitterness.

"Actually, I don't see. I mean, I understand that they'll always be a part of your life, a part of your past. But that shouldn't mean that you don't get a present – that you have to punish yourself for the rest of your life. It won't change anything –it won't bring them back."

"But Jaime…"

Jaime interrupted him, and continued. "It's not as if I don't live with danger every day anyway – it's not like I hear you saying you're afraid to be with me because of the danger I could put you in. Well, I'm willing to take that chance – and that's my decision to make. " Jaime was desperate to make Oscar see her point of view – to open up to her . She could feel the muscles in her neck tightening from the stress. It was exhausting her emotionally to be on this rollercoaster ride with her feelings – she couldn't even imagine what it must be like for Oscar.

He shook his head. "No, Jaime. It just has to be this way. I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you because of me. It's bad enough that I have to send you out on missions, never knowing if I'll ever see you again. I don't know how I've made it these last twelve years, but it would kill me if it happened again." He could see her eyes misting over, their rims reddened, her lips and chin quivering, and it made his heart ache for her. "Babe, I want you to be happy, and I just don't think that it would work between us. You know how much I care about you though – don't you? If I didn't, this wouldn't be so hard."

Jaime nodded. She had enough for one day – and she was sure Oscar had. There was going to be no breakthrough today, but Jaime felt like she had made a start. At least his secret was out in the open between them now. That was something. "Okay – for now." She couldn't help adding in the last bit of hope.

It was 6:00, and his guests would be arriving soon. Jaime offered her help with the last minute details, which Oscar gratefully agreed to accept. The party went off without a hitch. Everyone had a great time, and Jaime enjoyed being able to play the surrogate hostess. A sense of comfort swept over Oscar as he watched her flowing around the house with ease and grace. It was as if she was meant to be there. It had been so long since a woman had been in the house. Oscar rarely had people over, and he didn't like the way he rattled around in the cavernous home all alone – except for Kitty. But it had been his children's only home, and he couldn't bring himself to sell it. He liked going up to their rooms – sometimes just to sit. It was all he had left of them - besides his memories.

It was just past midnight when the party started to wind down. Steve and his parents waited for Jaime out in the car while she said goodbye to Oscar. Most of the guests had left by now –it was now actually Christmas Day. She found Oscar in the study, showing Russ and Rudy a model of one of the ships he had served on early in his career. It was nice to hear him laugh – he had such a deep, resonant voice, and when accompanied by that flashy white smile, it was a devastating combination. She knocked softly on the door. "Oscar, I just wanted to thank you for a lovely evening. Russ, Rudy, Merry Christmas." She walked over to give Russ and Rudy a quick hug and she turned to walk out the door. Oscar excused himself to see her out. He rested his hand lightly on her shoulder and turned his head to kiss her on the cheek, just as she turned hers to kiss his cheek. Instead, their lips met, sweetly savoring the unexpected surprise. They looked at each other for a moment, unable to deny the chemistry between them. "Merry Christmas babe," Oscar said with a smile.

"Merry Christmas Oscar…. I love you." She smiled as she looked back over her shoulder as she raced for the safety of the car.