"Nick Stokes is not a criminal. He is not a murderer. He has been cleared from the accusations and because of his bravery and help in catching James Sparazza, virtually shutting down his crime organization, I hereby reinstate him with the power vested in me from the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Thank you."
Agent Waters' was short, sweet and to the point. Surprisingly, there were no protests or outbursts from the crowed or media. Everyone was so happy that James Sparazza was finally behind bars that they saw Nick as a hero, not one of them. Nick was glad that he got his job back and was cleared from being seen as a killer. He didn't care that it was a complete turn from what it had been before. Now, as he was walking down the halls of the lab with Brass, people were smiling at him and waving, even occassionally giving him a thumbs up. Nick shook his head slowly, but soon forgot about all that when he realized that Brass was leading him to the break room where one person and one person only sat at the table, waiting for him.
Brass didn't go in with Nick. He didn't even tell him to go in the break room, or break his stride. He just walked right on by, knowing that Nick knew he was meant to go in the break room. Nick hesitated at the door, but didn't know why. He wasn't sure what to say once he got inside, and hated himself for feeling so lost when he should be happy that the person sitting inside was there for him. Nick took a deep breath and reached out his shaking hand and opened the door, going inside and shutting the door silently.
Nick stood there, staring at the other man's back. He hadn't heard him come in, but just as Nick was thinking of turning and running, he turned around and faced Nick.
"Hey Nicky."
Nick smiled involuntarily. "Hi Jason," he replied softly. He wanted to go over to him, but was rooted to the spot.
Jason seemed to be fine, however. He stood from his chair and walked over to Nick, stopped two feet away from him. "How ya doin?" he asked.
Nick shrugged casually. "Fine. I got my job back and was cleared."
"I know," Jason said with a nod. "Warrick told me."
"I should have known he was behind this."
"He always is," Jason replied. "It's because he cares about you, and knows I do too."
"I know," Nick said, wondering why his voice sounded so weird to his ears.
"When are you going to stop lying to me?" Jason asked.
Nick frowned slightly. "About what?"
"You said you were fine. Whenever you say that, it means you're anything but fine," Jason answered. "I've known you for thirty years, I think I can tell when you're lying. I can definitely tell when you're not okay. Stop pretending to be okay."
Nick shook his head slowly. "I can't. I have to pretend until it happens."
"What if it never happens?" Jason asked, but didn't wait for an answer. "What are you gonna do when you realize that you wasted all this time pretending to be fine when you could really have been fine if you would just let someone help you?"
Nick tried to swallow the lump in his throat before he spoke. "Don't ya think I've done enough damage as it is without asking for more help? Besides, nothing can help me. Not after what I've done."
"Those things are forgivable if you let them be," Jason said.
"I killed Mike," Nick said without thinking about it. It just came out before he could do anything about it.
Jason stared at him in shock for several long moments. Then he finally spoke. "What?"
Nick nodded weakly. "I killed him. I woke up in the desert and he was next to me and beat up real bad. He was suffering. He begged me to do it, do I did. James left me a gun to see if I would do it, and I did. I shot him. I killed him."
"He was dying anyway Nick," Jason said, trying to reason with him. "You put him out of his misery. You helped him."
Nick ignored the fact that Jason had just spoken. "He had his hand on my ankle. I closed my eyes because I couldn't watch it happen. I pulled the trigger, and right after, I fell to the ground. I can still feel his hand on my ankle, but he let go when he died. I can still feel it because it's my fault."
Jason shook his head as he put his strong hands firmly on Nick's shoulders. "You can still feel it because you love him," he said. "You feel guilty for what happened, but you know that at the same time, you did the right thing. You didn't make him suffer because you love him, and he loved you."
"I don't deserve to be fine," Nick said, his voice nothing but a whisper now.
"Yes you do," Jason said, nodding slightly. "If anyone does, you do. Don't give in now."
"I've never given in. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe now, after all that's happened, I should just give up. Maybe that's the secret," Nick said, the tears building in his eyes threatening to spill at any moment.
"That's bullshit and you know it," Jason said gently. "What would giving up get you other than more pain and heartache? Why don't you want to be happy Nicky?"
"Because I don't deserve to be," Nick replied. "And I'm scared."
"To be happy?"
Nick nodded slowly. "Anytime I've ever been happy, something happens and takes it away. Like you not being my real brother. Then meeting my real brother, only for me to have to kill him later. And Jack dying. Happiness never got me anywhere good."
Jason shook his head. "You can't be scared to be happy. Shit happens, and I know, mostly to you. But everything will be alright if you just hold on."
Nick laughed humorlessly. "Jack told me to let go."
"Somethings you gotta hang on to," Jason said, "and others you have to let go. The trick is finding out which is which."
"Which is this?" Nick asked, looking briefly at Jason's hands on his shoulders.
Jason didn't answer verbally. Instead, he pulled Nick towards him until their chests were pressed against one another before wrapping his arms tightly around the younger man's back. Nick was surprised at first, but then the surprise went away and he hugged Jason back.
"I won't let go if you won't," Jason said, then pulled back. "Metaphorically, of course."
Nick smiled the first real smile in a long time. "You're such a dork," he said, referring to the other man's lame joke.
"You're the biggest dork I know," Jason fired back. "I get it from you."
"But you're older than me," Nick argued. "If anything, I'm the one that got it from you."
"Not true," Jason, shaking his head slightly.
"And why's that?" Nick asked.
Jason smiled slightly. "Because I'm older than you, therefor I'm always right and you're wrong little brother."
"I am always wrong," Nick said.
"Stop," Jason replied. "Give yourself a little credit sometimes man."
"I can't," Nick said with a sigh. "Not after everything's that has happened to me. Not just this. Everthing."
Jason frowned slightly. "What else do you mean, just like the Walter Gordon and Nigel Crane thing, right?"
Nick nodded. "Yeah," he answered a little too quickly.
"What else?" Jason asked.
Nick shook his head. "Nothing."
"Stop lying to me," Jason said. "What else is bothering you? Other than this whole thing and the other stuff, I know that and don't blame you there. What else aren't you telling me?"
Nick had unvoluntarily backed up until his back was pressed against the glass wall on the far side of the break room. He had been shaking his head as he backed up, but stopped abruptly when his back hit the wall. He stood there, wanting to run away, but was rooted to the spot. Jason was staring at him, worry filling his eyes. He slowly walked over to Nick, who tried to move backwards even though he knew there was a wall behind him.
"Nick," Jason said softly. "What else haven't you told me?"
Nick shook his head again. "Nothing," he said, his voice soft and cracking. "Nothing, just that other stuff. Nothing else, only that. That's all."
"Then why are you trying to run away from me right now?" Jason asked. "Through a glass wall," he added.
"You don't wanna know," Nick said as he began to panic. "You just don't, okay?"
"Yes I do," Jason said with a slight nod. "Let me help you."
"I tried to let you help me," Nick said. "But you didn't want to do it."
"Killing you isn't helping you," Jason said. "I could never hurt you."
Nick laughed humorlessly. "I could kill Mike, but you can't kill me. Either I don't love him or you don't love me."
"I do love you Nicky," Jason said softly.
"Then you should have fucking killed me," Nick said. He wanted to yell, but his voice came out barely above a whisper.
"Why?" Jason asked. "What could make you want to end your life so bad? Why won't you tell me?"
"I always think about it," Nick said. "That's why I tried to kill myself before, not just because of the kidnapping. I had nightmares all the time. They wouldn't go away, not even after over twenty years. They kept coming back."
"If you don't talk about it, they'll keep coming back. Let it out Nick," Jason said. "Let go."
Nick's eyes locked with Jason's when he echoed Jack's words from what seemed like ages ago. Nick had only told Catherine this before, no one else. Not even Jack. He had almost told Jack and Warrick a few times, but never could. Now, after hearing those words, he felt like he had to tell Jason, even though he really didn't want to. At all.
So he kept shaking his head. "You don't want to know."
"Will telling me help you?" Jason asked. "Don't lie. Do you want to get this off your chest or not?"
Nick swallowed. "I...you don't."
"That neither answers my question nor is it a sentence," Jason said. "Honestly, deep down, do you want to tell me?"
Nick nodded weakly. "But I can't," he said sadly.
"Yes you can," Jason said. "Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and let it all out."
Nick did as Jason said. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. He kept his eyes closed, but images started flooding his mind, threatning to take over. His eyes snapped open and locked with Jason's right before he forced the words from his lungs out through his mouth.
"I was molested when I was nine," Nick blurted. He had to admit, he did feel better after saying it. If only a little.
Jason, on the other hand, looked like someone had spray painted his face white. "What?" was all he could manage.
"Mrs. Hanin," Nick said. "Our old babysitter."
Jason was the one shaking his head now. "I was with you when we got babysat."
"You were at your friend's house, mom and dad went to a dinner party or something and everyone else was out or at college. I was getting ready for bed and she came in and..." Nick trailed off, then somehow continued. "I didn't know what was going on. She was nice, and I figured she was just giving me a goodnight hug or something. Then she started taking my clothes off."
"I don't understand," Jason muttered. "She didn't...actually...she just..." he couldn't bring himself to say it at that moment. When he finally did, he stumbled over the words. "She only...t-touced you, r-right?"
Nick shook his head slowly.
"No," Jason said in disbelief. "You had, I mean...she made you have-"
"Sex with her," Nick finished, knowing Jason wouldn't be able to. "She was stronger than me, I couldn't help it. She was just on top of me and I couldn't move. I had obviously never done anything like that before, so I just kinda laid there."
"She was married," Jason said, as if that had mattered to her. "And you were only nine. How could she have done that? How could she make you do that?"
"I don't know," Nick answered lamely.
"She actually touched you...there?" Jason asked. Nick nodded. "I just don't know what to say right now. You were so little, how could she do that?" Nick didn't try to offer an answer. "Did you ever tell mom and dad?"
Nick shook his head. "No, the only other person I've told was Catherine. I didn't want anyone else to know, especially you."
"Why?" Jason couldn't help but ask.
"I didn't want you to know and blame yourself or anything," Nick replied.
"Do you blame me?" Jason asked. "For not being there? For not protecting you?"
Nick shook his head again. "No, of course not. I don't blame anyone but myself."
"It wasn't your fault," Jason said. "She forced you to have sex with her when you were nine-years-old. That's not your fault. It's hers. You didn't do anything wrong."
"Isn't it wrong that it still affects me now?" Nick asked.
"Of course it's not wrong," Jason said. His eyes widened a bit. "That's why you never had sex in high school or anything."
Nick nodded weakly. "I couldn't. It freaked me out. It still does. I can't do it unless I'm drunk, because then I don't think about it. I don't realize what I'm doing. I know it sounds bad, but it's true. I have to be wasted to have sex."
"There's nothing wrong with that," Jason said. "Not after what happened to you. It's totally understandable."
Nick closed his eyes for a bit longer than a normal blink. When he opened them, he stared at the floor for a moment before forcing himself to look back up at Jason.
"I can't believe I actually told you," Nick said softly. "I never thought I could. Especially now, of all times."
Jason smiled slightly. "Well I'm glad you did. Now I know why you haven't found yourself a girl yet," he joked, knowing he could without getting Nick mad.
"That, and the fact that I work so much doesn't help. Neither does getting arrested."
Jason nodded. "Definitely not. But now you know that no matter what happens to you, you can always come to me. I'm sorry about what happened to both Mike and Jack, but you still have me Nicky. Don't forget that."
Nick smiled. "I would never be able to."