Hello, my name is Anno Hideaki, and I own Neon Genesis Evangelion. It's all mine, every bit of it. In case you're wondering about the legality of that, I recently bought all of Gainax and a number of our publishers around the world. I've been busy these past few weeks. Also, I've learned English. So surely you won't mind if I write this little story about my own grand story, and if my lawyers were ever to look at this in a strange way, then I'd promptly fire them.
So Congratulations! to me for moving on from world famous projects to this:
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He's got no shortage of foibles, but in some aspects you've really got to hand it to Shinji: he's dependable. Of course, you wouldn't say that if you were depending upon him to always remain at home or to pilot without hesitation; no, he's really not one to rely on in those situations. Anyone who would depend on him to do that sort of thing really must not know him well though; hell, his dad doesn't know shit about him, and even he anticipates that the kid'll run away. (And return.)
But that's just the thing. You can depend on him to run away for a bit, then almost leave, and then kill the Angel, and then whine about it. I can't blame you for thinking that those are the actions of an indecisive loser, but if you are you're missing the point: you can depend on him to kill the Angel. Really, what more should we ask of him?
Testicles. That's what we can ask of him. Grow a pair, kid. We don't ask it just because we're mean, but because we know that it's for your own good. (Just like we agree that a certain contrary Kraut could use a good spanking—she needs discipline! Lots of it. Often. Also, leather accentuates discipline; where as other clothes do not. FYI) Now in a world of clones and Angels and purple-haired people who have pet penguins, the idea of a guy who actually doesn't have any jimmies isn't that far-fetched; I'm being figurative. That's painfully obvious for Shinji, I'm sure…
…but perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself; as I was saying, you can depend on Shinji for a lot of things. Punctuality, for example. It's like the kid has an alarm clock in his brain. (That's no surprise; the kid is like the Baggin' Saggin' Barry of psyches. I'm pretty sure that having that many people in one mind is against a fire code or something.) So while Misato is still sleeping it off, and while Asuka punishes her snooze button, and while PenPen…anyways, while they're doing all that, Shinji is already up and cooking breakfast. Seeing as no one else in the Katsuragi residence can touch a stove without producing abominations before God that would make SEELE pack up and go home, that's pretty convenient.
That's exactly why it was so strange when the female/avian population of the apartment rose before Shinji. This caused great interest and ire amongst Asuka and Misato, (NERV personnel deal with many strange things at work, so every scrap of expected monotony that they can get is cherished.) and two such proactive people were left with only one option: cook breakfast.
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Wait wait wait, this isn't going to turn into an outlandish AU just yet.
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Two such proactive people were left with only one option: barge into Shinji's room and make the boy cook breakfast. Well, one of them at least. Why would Asuka Langley Sohryu ever want to go into Shinji's room? (Some might see this as denial behavior from a high-fragile self-esteem personality, but in reality it was just that she's lazy. You'd be surprised at the stuff you can get away with when people think you're hiding crippling emotional issues.) So it was that which brought Misato into Shinji's room that morning, to find a boy who was feeling much more pleasant than the two lucid ladies. A contented smile was spread across his face as he comfortably tossed and turned under the sheet that was draped across him. In fact, you could say that that it were draped much more definitively over certain parts of the young man. It's not like he could help it…he's got to take a whiz or something.
Barely suppressing a giggle, Misato loudly whispered "Asuka! You've got to come see this! "
"What is it? Does the dork have his thumb in his mou--" Asuka froze fast upon entering the room and seeing what Shinji was obviously doing with his unconscious time.
It started with a snicker. It elevated to a giggle. Before she could contain herself, Asuka had let out a full-fledged chortle. It was only due to Misato's quick removal of the girl that the uproarious guffaw that followed didn't wake Shinji.
"Asuka!" Misato hissed. "Quiet down!"
"I…I…I just can't…he…he was having a…AHAHAHA!"
After a good minute or two rolling on the floor, the girl finally managed to regain her composure. Mostly.
"So," Misato asked with a snort," do you think we should take pictures?"
Asuka's blue eyes lit up. "The blackmail opportunities…they just go on and on!"
"We'll have him waiting on us hand and foot after this!"
"Yeah, we can make him cook and clean and—wait a second Misato, what's the point?"
With their initial machinations put to rest, the two just snuck into Shinji's room again. There was really only one thing to see in there; Asuka had already started to get a little uncomfortable, but such things were old news for Misato.
"You know," the older woman said with a giggle, "he's really grown a lot since I last saw him like this…"
Flustered, Asuka shot back, "You're just as perverted as he is! Only you would notice how lusciously massive his—uh, hey! What do you mean 'since the last time?' What have you two been doing together, you child molester!"
"Oh, nothing. Not nearly what we're doing together in his head!" Misato teasingly answered.
"What are you talking about? It's obvious that all his little jack-off fantasies are about me!"
"Not likely. I'm sure he'd much rather dream about a real woman…" Misato said, stretching back to stick out her impressive chest. Unfortunately for Misato, the effect was ruined by the loud pop that issued from her back, which Asuka wasted no time in exploiting.
"Yeah, he probably has nightmares about wrinkly old hags like you!"
"Are you so sure? I bet you a week's worth of chores that he's thinking about me right now."
Knowing that:
A. Neither of them would be doing any chores while Shinji was around,
and
B. She was the greatest at everything,
Asuka readily agreed.
"But how the hell are we going to find out?" Asuka asked. "It's not like he'd ever tell us."
"Now while he's awake," Misato replied as she crept to Shinji's side, "but while he's still dreaming…"
Misato leaned over to Shinji's ear, and in her most seductive voice whispered, "Ooooh, Shinji, say my name!"
The boy's mouth opened slightly, but all that escaped was a quite moan.
"I guess he's not into golden girls then," Asuka cackled as she pushed Misato out of the way to lean over Shinji. Putting on the sexy voice she always used to drive Shinji up the walls, she whispered, "Yes, yes Shinji! Oh, say my name!"
Once again, the boy just groaned, this time a little more intensely.
Flustered with her defeat, Asuka grew angry. (Raise your hand if you saw this coming!) "Well what the hell is that Blödel thinking about!" she yelled, wildly pulling herself up. As she rose, she brought up a side of the sheet with her, to reveal that Shinji's underwear had been pushed aside by its prisoner. The color in Asuka's cheeks finally matched her hair as she stood agape.
Shinji's eyes fluttered and he turned once again. His mouth opened for another moan, but this time he finally released a word:
"A…Ay…AYANAMI!"
There's actually a reason beyond his natural inclination towards housework that Shinji does the laundry around the apartment. Certain embarrassing stains should be kept private, and this incident was not the first of its kind. On this particular occasion, however, neither underwear nor sheets stood in the line of fire; the girl standing directly above him, however, might as well have been the broad side of a barn. PenPen had waddled into the room to see what all the excitement was about awhile before, and then got a bird's-eye-view of the action. (For something going on on the floor, this particular bird's view was perfect.) He watched as the product of Shinji's passion flew out, as it gracefully arced through the air, and as it landed messily right on the front of Asuka's uniform skirt.
"MEIN GOTT!" Asuka screeched, suddenly waking Shinji from his eventful slumber.
"I'm sorry! Wait, what's going on—" was all he could get out before Asuka's foot slammed squarely into his stomach as she sprinted out of the room.
"EWW EWW EWW EWW EWW EWW EEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" she continued to bellow as she ran to her room. As soon as she got there, Asuka ripped off the soiled garment and in an act of characteristic impetuousness, flung it out the window.
"I'M…I'M GOING TO TAKE A BATH, A REALLY LONG ONE, AND WHEN I GET OUT…I AM GOING TO KICK YOU IN THE NUTS SO HARD YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT AGAIN!" she yelled as she stormed into the bathroom, forgetting in her fury even her lack of clothing.
"Mi…Misato?" Shinji stammered, covering himself and looking up at his guardian, "What the hell just happened?"
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Several floors below on the sidewalk outside, loser-extraordinaire and self-confessed diabolical bastard Kensuke Aida watched as a skirt flew out of the window of what he knew to be his best friend Shinji's place. Kensuke is a fairly intelligent boy, though he can sometimes make unwise decisions. Due to his unique ways of thinking and distinctive interests, it's rarely a surprise when he gets his ideas. You could say that he's…dependable. So it was no surprise when Kensuke, an avid lover of everything perverted, quickly snatched up the girly item. Luckily for him, and all of us who have eaten recently, he noticed the offensive addition to the garment before he took a big sniff.
"Whoa! What was going on up there! Wait…that was Shiji's place…so this must be Asuka's…and THAT must be Shinji's…"
Kensuke's bespectacled eyes lit up. "The blackmail opportunities…they just go on and on!"
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(To be continued?)
I really don't know about the continuation. I had an idea for the basic story of this, and while I had considered it as a start for a longer story, I sure didn't have any ideas for anything beyond this. When I sat down to write it, I intended for it to just be a one-shot gag…but in review of it, it really seems to need more. So maybe there will be. I've got a whole summer ahead of me, hopefully I'll keep going. This is the first story I've ever written, so we'll just have to see how it works out. Hope you enjoyed it!