Are you Sho'Nuff?
No.
No.
No.
I'm not Sho'Nuff. I'm Sho Nuf, Sho'Nuff's superviser. I warned him. But he got caught up in this fanfiction crap to save it from mediocrity and the fanboys who love it.
Hogwash.
He broke a lot of copyright laws. Now he's on the run from Gainax. Maybe he got his ass kicked by Leroy Green while looking for the Glow?. Somewhere in the depths of Harlem.
Hey Sho, let's make out!
Okay!
…you're female, right? I mean, that's what the lack of bolding suggests, isn't it?
We'll presume that for now.
Good enough for me.
---
For a dude who gets his pseudo-limbs blown off by alien warriors of God rather frequently, Shinji's a laid-back dude.
But…
He's a lamer. He's not so uncool that he'd call himself "The Shininator" or anything; no, it's nothing like that. That's for dumb folks. He just sucks with…people. And life. So much that Asuka scares him shitless. Which is fairly dumb. So I think he at least deserves the demeaning handle of "The Shinster."
The Shinster arrived at school early, hoping to find refuge through distance from the Second and proximity to law and order. By the time he'd arrived, however, the initial terror he felt had diminished. Surely she wouldn't care that much about him. He didn't have much time to feel the comfortable embrace of self-pity though, because I great and obnoxious voice rang out from the basketball court near bye.
"YO SHIN-MAN!"
Unlike The Shinster, Touji was lame and dumb enough to say stuff like "Shin-man."
"Oh…hey Touji. Hi Kensuke." The Shinster replied.
"Kenny-A here told me some interesting gossip, Icky."
"What's that? Who's it about?"
"Actually Shinji," Kensuke (Dorkier than either of his friends, but in a more classic sense.) "it's about an Eva pilot, so we were wondering if you could tell us anything."
Giggles were suppressed from the two of them.
"An Eva pilot? I doubt there's any hot gossip about Ayanami, so it must be Asuka, right?"
"Indeed it is, Shintron 3000. We have…"
"Reason to believe…" Kensuke filled in with a snort.
"That Asuka has…"
"A LOVER!" they shouted in unison.
"A Boy toy!"
"A fuck buddy!"
"A piece of meat!"
"A WHAT!" the Shinster cried out in horror. "She's…sleeping with some other guy! No!"
In the world of Evangelion, there is no such thing as a Freudian Slip. There's no such person as Freud, in the same way that we know of no such person as Atom.
"Hah!" the Stooges shouted, still showing synchronization rates that'd get Kensuke that lovely piloting job in no time, assuming they stuff Touji's soul into the next Eva. "That proves that you two are doing it!"
The Shinster was taken aback, realizing that somewhere he'd taken a wrong step and was rapidly sinking into a pit of conversational quicksand.
"Wha, what are you guys talking about? Me and Asuka don't, it's not like that, we just live together, she'd never, um, she'd—"
Touji cut in. "Don't even get started, Shin-alumpagus. Applegate here found the remains of your sinful coupling. Ain't that right?"
"Yeah!"
"So start explaining yourself now! How could you do it with The Devil?"
"No, I—"
Kensuke piped in: "How did you do it with The Devil?"
"Do you have pictures of The Devil?"
"Yeah, hook us up with some Underworld-class Underwear!"
"YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF ASUKA'S PANTIES!"
The sudden outburst shut all three boys up long enough for them to notice their surroundings. More students had entered the schoolyard. One head stuck out from the crowd, partly due to its closeness, partly due to its bright red hair, and partly do to the spiked war helmet on top of it.
Asuka stared. There was no movement, save for the small hammer that she softly, rhythmically pounded into the palm of her hand, and that of a length of rope hanging coiled around her arm that swung with the motion.
She spoke. Growled. Whatever.
"I...won't be soiled. Like an object. Like a filthy little blow-up doll...don't try to use me like that. I want you to remember that. So I'll do them one at a time, Shinji. I'll do them one at a time."
The beat continued.
Silence reigned. Again.
Then the bell rang. God damn that bell—all bells, really. That's what Silence thought. Except for when it was in Ankh-Morpork, Silence got screwed over by bells. But this is a story about The Shinster, not Silence. Silence makes for boring stories.
The general hustle and bustle resumed, and H. Hikari called out to her friend. "Hey Asuka! Good morning!"
Asuka smiled and turned. "Good morning Hikari! Let's get to class." She scowled back at The Shinster and his band of merry men, then quit the scene. It's not like it really matter where the hell she went off to.
"Shinji?" Kensuke hesitantly asked. "If you don't make it…can I have Unit 01?"
"Relatively laid back" was gone. Paranoia was The Shinster's new mode of existence. This wasn't right. She should have just yelled and hit him on the head or something. Or maybe it could have just blown over. But she still hadn't done anything…but she was going to. Surely this couldn't be.
---
The Shinster: And stop calling my Shirley!
Sho: Huh?
The Shinster: Every time you vocalize my thoughts, you say "Shirley:"!
Sho: No I don't. You're dumb and you can't read good. I say "surely" as a rhetorical technique to highlight your questionable thought patterns while remaining in the third person.
The Shinster: Oh. Well, you're writing in English, how the hell was I supposed to know?
Sho: You SPEAK English, baka.
The Shinster: Yeah, I do. And like a dozen other languages, it seems. But have you ever seen me READ English? No! The dubbers don't go through all that trouble to change the text!
Sho: Damn, you're right. Wait, no you're not! There's English all over the place in the show! You Japanese have language envy!
The Shinster: Not all Asians have small penises!
Sho: …Language envy. Not penis envy.
The Shinster: Oh. Yeah, I, umm, misheard you.
Sho: Ever hear of a Freudian Slip?
The Shinster: No.
Sho: In this case, it would suggest that you're a, ahem, LITTLE concerned about—
The Shinster: You said yourself that I was "lusciously massive!" What's up with that, anyways? That wording sounds a little too inspired.
Sho: Asuka said that! I was writing in character! I refuse to acknowledge these, these wild allegations?
The Shinster: Is that so? I don't remember you writing me as thinking about Misato's bouncy, so-soft breasts!
Sho: I just did, ass.
The Shinster: Shit!
Sho: Oh, shut up already. You're so insecure about your masculinity that you contested the possibility of me calling you "Shirley" before even recognizing that I've been referring to you as "The Shinster" this entire time.
The Shin—"SHINJI DAMN IT": Fuck you dude!
Sho: No thanks. But no hard feelings.(Really) Feel free to call me after you bang Kowaru, I'll coach you through all the strange feelings you'll be having. Just to get it out of the way, they're called "sexual attraction." You hang out with a bunch of chicks, so I doubt that you've experienced it before.
Purple Poop Pirate: Now wait just a minute, I—Oh come on, how immature can you get!
Sho: XFD
The King of All Cosmo: That's it, I'm tired of this name crap, especially from a dude who's started to use emoticons. We're throwin' down right here!
---
And then I just lost it and kicked his heart out. Alright, now that that uppity whiner is out of the way, I can go back to illustrating his thoughts however the hell I want.
---
You are Shinji Ikari. You are baffled at the behavior of Asuka. You know that she wouldn't have carried a joke or a game so far. It's really creeping you out. You here some weak-ass chumpette from beyond the grave telling me that the second person blows, and I cede the point. Shinji couldn't concentrate at all. When faced with a history test, he couldn't remember any of what the teacher had taught, or any of the guidelines Section 2 had given him about what he was supposed to tell people, resulting in him just writing the first thing that came to his head about the test: the truth. Yeah, Guan Yu kicked the most ass, he didn't care if Gendo liked Liu Bei better.
Meanwhile, Asuka herself considered her actions.(And the fact that the test was obviously bunk. There wasn't even an option to put Lu Bu.) She had firmly decided that the morning's events had grossly offended everything about her, and that there was going to be retribution. She decided that for once someone would actually pay for it. Someone besides her.
But…
She wasn't quite sure why she was doing it like this. She was glad that Shinji had left before she could get to him, because she would have just yelled at him and insulted him and hurt him…it would have been inevitable. So she had brought along the ropes, and the hammer, and even the helmet in a bit of dark humor. But it took too long. She started thinking about it. She knew that it wasn't his fault, but for some reason it just made her so angry. Being demeaned by that pervert, while he screamed out her name. She didn't know why it made her so mad, and…she didn't want to find out.
Shinji looked depressed and worried, which was obvious to Asuka. "Why can't he get over anything?" Asuka thought. "He probably hates me for how I've been acting. I don't know why I tried to tell him why I was mad. Not like I even know…"
Asuka still had a grimace on her face, and Shinji noticed. "Why did this sort of thing always happen to me?" Shinji thought. "She's going to do…something, and I don't think she's ever going to speak to me again. Why won't she just tell me what's wrong instead of taking it out on me? What am I supposed to do?"
---
I Get Fed Up With Real Writing And Decide To Screw Around Time! (Omake)
---
Kensuke was excited, and no one really cared. "Man, what if they really did have to remove Shinji or Asuka for not getting along?" he thought. "I might actually get to pilot! Aww man, there'd be Evas and Angels, and I bet NERV has lots of cool gadgets, and I'd get to go inside the Pyramid, and chicks totally dig Eva pilots! Shinji can't keep Ayanami off of him…or did he say it was the other way around?"
Hikari Horaki was looking very studious, to the approval of her teacher, and her dad, and all those expectations! "Please Master, will you put it in again?" she thought, where no one else could hear her. "What? Bu—of course Master, but I don't know if it will fit back there Master. What! I'm sorry Master! Please don't punish me! I'm Your's! Oh…oh yes!"
Toji Suzuhara was looking rather bored, as usual. "Ass. Boobs. Sports. Sudden deep, serious, manly thoughts about life." he thought. "Ass. Boobs. Sports."
Some other dude was actually paying attention, until he noticed all the crap going on between the actual characters. "Fucking Eva pilots. They think they're the only ones with problems! Yeah, my mom died too, and my dad actually beats me! You don't see me killing the entire damn world over it!"
Rei Ayenami was looking out a window, so that she could see those two dogs doing it.
---
You know, I think I'm spending more time on this Asuka bit than I did on the entire rest of the story. Shinji is about a million times easier to write for, especially when I'm not getting in deep with him. I wrote up to the second "but…" one night when my internet had gone off. It still hasn't come on, and I've decided to occupy myself with this again. But trying to come up with how she'd act how I want her to act is hard! Believe it or not, the idea of keeping the actual (main) characters is a little important to me. I think I've reached the point where just writing as I go along won't work. Or maybe I should just scrap any shred of seriousness or meaningful characters and keep going for wacky situations. Lemme know. So far, this paragraph is longer than anything about her thoughts, and I've spent about a tenth of the time on this. Basically the only clear windows into her character are Episode 22 and EoE, which is too bad. She could've had more. Damn you Gainax, there could've been another episode of FLCL about Ninamori too!
Due to my strong personal hatred of the over-use of "baka" and other such convenient Japanese words in English stories, I must mention that I only used it here as a self-referencing joke about speaking in English. Which you should do, if you say you're going to. Japanese every now and then is acceptable, and honorifics aren't too bad. I confess, I even inconsistently used "Shin-chan" earlier, simply cuz I think it sounds cute coming from Misato. Asuka spouting German sometimes is alright, since she does that on the show and you aren't necessarily supposed to understand all of it then. (Auch, die Deutsch ist echt stark.) But if every third line features "ana-baka" or "baka-Shinji," there's a bit of a problem. Well, there's a problem even without the vocabulary issue if every third line has that, but whatever. You get the point.
Also, "sweatdrop" is not a verb, damn it, and the entire concept should have nothing to do with written media. It's a visual gag, so unless your story is illustrated, shut the hell up with it.