Notes: I still don't own them. More notes at the end of the interlude. Yes, it is short. I know. But Akatsuki got to his conclusion faster than I thought he would, so blame him. Heh. Hearty thanks to Glozinga, and to the two people who put me on their alert list. Sorry it took so long. Reasons at the end. For now, it's fic first! (what the-- some kind of wacky campaign slogan?!)
If Walls Could Talk
The Fire Interlude of Akatsuki Kain
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resume
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--
If history does not repeat, if things change the more they stay the same, if the opposite of life is not death,
what is the purpose of fire that burns?
--
It feels as if we have known each other for years, as if we have grown old together, always together. It makes no sense when I imagine him crying, but it is a whole other thing when I see him waiting for them to fall. Maybe that was why I came to him, aside from wanting to find out what it was all about. That information felt less important to me then should have scared me, that I wanted to see his tears and wipe them away, watch them fall, gather them and taste them--
It is a longing stronger than that of our craving of blood
--instilled in me a fog of indifference, that I didn't mind not truly knowing it at all.
All things considered, perhaps I should not have intervened. To merely watch from the sidelines was what I did best, what kept my status fairly safe and force-free, what -I suddenly realize- kept me at the perfect spot to watch him perform.
He was a magnificent actor, a Fake but magnificent nonetheless. He was beautiful, but then I saw that in just about everybody. When you lived for quite some time in the world, you undoubtedly see too many things that you could not have seen at all. Being a vampire didn't mean advantages forever, and usually it meant a lot more suffering than is normal and or necessary.
When you live for a long time, you start to wonder when death will ever come.
And if it ever will.
--
Laughing in a crown of jewels,
Numbness from a scepter's wound.
Toss and Turn, I spin and learn,
"Catch yourself before you burn."
--
I'd felt the wrath of Kuran-senpai before, usually as a victim of circumstances, but that must have been nothing compared to what Takuma had to go through. He may have pined for him, relishing the memories of their childhood together before anyone else came into the picture. He would never forget them, if he could. He must have had dreams and nightmares about Kuran-senpai, but whether or not they spoke of life or death, he may have been glad to have them.
Why was he fooling himself?
Even he should have known, maybe he already did, that Kuran-senpai's heart was not for him to take. He must have seen the way he looked at Yuuki Cross, at Zero. His eyes were sharp, are sharp, his eyes are heavenly blessing and hellish curse. To know too much was a burden, and he would have been weary.
I could have vowed not to interfere.
"Ichijou-senpai, you're shaking..."
I do not remember when I fell for him, though it must have been a pleasant thing. For me to go on as I was, it could have been as simple as breathing.
Loving him in reality, though, was a tougher thing.
--
A joker's dance before the king,
Jangling beads, a silver ring.
--
We danced well, he and I.
We moved and bended around each other, our movements as fluid as water, as passionate as fire. We complimented each other, in a way that I never thought would have been possible for a vampire such as myself and an Ichijou like him. Our elements were against each other, but they had no part in this. We danced with our words and our actions, unfettered and with the utmost restraint. With the freedom of knowing that no one would know, with the fear that the other would soon give in, we waltzed.
A slow and lazy movement.
If we were to truly dance, our foreheads may touch. My arm would be around his waist, the other holding his hand aloft. But we would be intimately close, because in truth we were. Even more so than we would dare acknowledge. He was prideful, and I was wary. But we dance beautifully.
Even if during this dance his tears would flow, I have dreamt about them too much to even think as I kiss and lick them away. They taste better than blood, I should say, but I haven't tasted his yet so I can't be sure.
Maybe it would be bitter.
--
Close your eyes and bare the sound,
Jumping up-falling down.
--
And now, hours after the 'game' that may have broken everything I had started to hold dear (this confession in itself is amazing-- before, only Hanabusa and his family were in my heart, now it seems that there is someone else), I realize it.
My logic had nothing to do with my decision.
I can't remember when I fell for him.
Wasn't there an old saying about that?
When you have reasons for loving someone, you're using your head.
How could it? I'm quite sure I've lost it already, somewhere between his first smile at me and the time I started to wish I could ask him to live on the moon with me (Hanabusa has told me it would be quite lonely up there, and that I needed more than one person to keep me company there). Yes, my mind has been gone since then. To where is a question indeed.
But when you don't have reasons for loving that someone, you're using your heart.
It can't be his smiles, because I know they're mostly fake (I see the sparkles, and wonder why they were there, adorning his fake smiles, why they weren't with the true ones, the small ones I only saw when Kaname Kuran would be called away by the Council and rain was falling). It can't be his eyes, because they are mirrors whenever they are open (they're beautiful, why doesn't he take the damned mask off and let me see?). It can't be his touch because I've lived for some time without it (and yet, when he holds my hand in his, when he runs his finger over my neck, when just hours ago his lips were on mine-- I felt, am feeling, an odd sense of... of... why does it feel so right?) and I don't seem to be craving any of these things--
--my long-gone mind says otherwise, it says that I have been craving them, using our games as excuses, claiming him as King Henry would his wife, and is it any wonder why he retaliates?--
--so what could be the reason?
--
I cross myself before I die
The leaping man, he asks me, "why?"
"Well your rhythm is off" I reply,
--
There is a word on the tip of my tongue.
There is a sentence, after that word.
There is a long line of words that I want to tell him, compounded with the strange ache in my heart, an ache, a longing to hold the blood-lusting angel who cries after ten thousand wars and one game.
I look up through the window of this abysmally empty room that Hanabusa and I share, and I sing the last lines of a song playing in whatever it is that is making me go on at the moment. I want to sing it to him.
"Akatsuki?"
Maybe Hanabusa can help me find the meaning behind this nonsense. Or is it so sensible that I refuse to acknowledge it, because to do so would be to erase the long string of words on my tongue and sum it up into one expression of an idea, a feeling, an ache, a longing, a want, a need--
"Hanabusa..."
"Hm?"
"...this song..."
What on earth does it mean?
--
"Now you must dance the dance
That you imply!"
"Your actions will follow you full circle round,
Your actions will follow you full circle round,
--
He raises an eyebrow at me, and peers at me with his ice blue eyes (he has green eyes, light green eyes, peridot eyes, eyes the color of the monster within, eyes that drown me, eyes that would call out to me when his actions could not).
"Hmmm. Well, I didn't think I'd see the day!... or night, as it is."
I look at him. He laughs.
"Akatsuki, I think you found the other person who you want to live on the moon with you."
His smile is kind and somewhat in awe, partly sad and wholly caring as he grasps my hands which have fallen to my side, as he grasps them in his smaller ones, as he says what I have been fearing (what I have been wanting) to hear,
"Hey, Akatsuki, I think you're in love..."
No, Hanabusa. I don't have a mind to think with.
He smiles at me quizzically, and I clear my throat (it has somehow likened itself to sandpaper when Hanabusa said those words), and I repeat his words, with a simple correction.
"...I'm in love..."
--
Your actions will follow you full circle round,
Your actions will follow you full circle round,
The higher the leap, I said,
The harder the ground!"
--
And what a thing to be in.
--
Its purpose is to be the only constant, the only thing that should remain. You do not govern over life and death, Akatsuki.
Fire is more dangerous than that.
--
caesura
Author's notes: this took about a month to update because of college exams, my brain bleeding ideas for other stories, my brain bleeding something with a rating that exceeds M, school work care of our dear advisor and AA teacher, my pen pal, my BoTMF and the fact that I got a little depressed when I saw that there was only one legitimate review. : ( Is it that sudden?
Song: "Center Stage" by the Indigo Girls, from lyricsdomain, once again.
Reviews? next up is Part Two, "Save Me From My One-Hole Heart", this time, a SenTaku take.