Disclaimer- I don't own Inuyasha or memorable quotes and plots from Clerks.

Thanks for the reviews!

TiffanyM- Yeah…don't worry…she'll come back fighting next chapter.

love-is-poison39- Glad you enjoyed…don't worry she'll be back in the last chapter!

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER CONTAINS FOUL AND EXPLICIT SEXUAL LANGUAGE

WHIMSY

After Inuyasha left to go change for his date Miroku got his special movie up and running. The movie was hitting it's climax, pun intended, when Kikyo walked in and began watching it behind Miroku.

"Miroku…you know most people would be turned off and shocked to find someone watching this out in the open, but with you I'm not surprised." Kikyo greeted him.

"Well, well, well if it isn't Mrs. Swedish Designer herself!"

"You know about that too!" She groaned. "God isn't it awful! My mother's doing of course…"

"She must really like him." Miroku guessed.

"You'd think she was one marrying him. So what are you watching anyway?"

"Children's programming. So what did mother say when she heard you weren't marrying that big, soft blondie boy?

"I'm not allowed home until graduation."

"That's rough. So you got thrown out for Inuyasha then. I don't get it…" Miroku said, casually insulting his friend.

"What can I say? That boy does weird things to me." She smiled.

"Can I watch?" Miroku grinned.

"It may be disappointing as I'm not a hermaphrodite…" She said, referencing the video.

"It's a rare gift…so you think you and Dante will work out this time?"

"Woman's intuition Miroku. Something's telling me I need to ride this feeling out."

"Well I'm sure you'll be riding Inuyasha really soon…" He smirked.

"I forgot how much of an asshole you were."

"Anyway I'm thinking about ordering dinner. You eat Swedish meatballs?" He teased.

"Dick." She glared at him.

"Exactly." He smiled.

Kikyo rolled her eyes. "Where's Inuyasha?"

"Changing for the big date."

"He's so great." Kikyo said dreamily.

"No, this is great." He pointed to the porn.

Kikyo looked at the TV and then at Miroku in disgust.

"I'm gonna go use the bathroom."

"No lights back there."

"Why not?"

"The light turns off at 5:14 everyday no matter what."

"You're kidding."

"I'm not. Anyway no one can figure it out. They'd called the electrician, but the boss won't pay because he owes the boss money."

"That's unfortunate."

"Sometimes I'd rather just pay him. As much I want to prove my undying loyalty to the boss I also have an unfailing desire to pee with the light on…"

"I guess I'll manage." Kikyo said and headed toward the back.

"Kikyo wait."

Kikyo turned to him. "Yeah?"

"Break my best friends heart again and I'll kill you. Nothing personal."

"You're so overprotective of him. It's just the same as in high school. I guess some things never change…"

"Well, technically he was mine first." Miroku crossed him arms.

"Aw that's so cute!" She ruffled his hair and headed toward the bathroom.

QUANDARY

"Hey." Inuyasha said, coming into the store wearing a nicer sweater and good jeans.

"Looking good. Oh and Kikyo's here…actually she went to the bathroom and she's been there a while. Maybe you should go check on her…" Miroku remembered.

"There aren't any lights back there."

"I told her, but she really needed the potty…you should go back there with her and make some bam-bam." He grinned.

"I love your sexy talk. It's so kindergarten! Wee-wee…poo-poo…"

"Fuck you." Miroku said.

Meanwhile Kikyo finally came out of the bathroom and walked toward Inuyasha with an overly satisfied grin on her face.

"Hey you. How'd you get here so fast?" She grinned.

"What do you mean? I left about an hour ago."

"Are you always this weird after violating a woman." She smirked and wrapped her arms around him.

Inuyasha and Miroku looked at each other confused.

"Maybe she lit up with Kouga and Sango before coming in." Miroku decided.

"Sounds about right…" Inuyasha agreed.

"Promise me it'll be like that always." Kikyo said goofily wrapping herself around Inuyasha.

"Like what?" Inuyasha lifted his brows.

"Letting me do all the work while you just lay there…it was so hot."

"Now I'm definitely confused." Inuyasha looked at her.

"I think something's missing here…" Miroku agreed.

"Remember when I went to the back. This boy was waiting up for me…if you get my drift." She winked.

"Um…Kikyo…" Inuyasha said, starting to get worried.

"You dog you!" Miroku hit him playfully. "I didn't even see you go back there."

Inuyasha looked distressed.

"And the fact that the lights were on…oh man!" She growled and hugged Inuyasha tighter.

"It wasn't me." He said, horrified.

"Yeah right. Who was it then? Miroku?" Kikyo joked, not believing him.

"Was it you?" Inuyasha looked at his friend accusingly.

"I was here the whole time." Miroku looked just as shocked.

"Guys quit it." Kikyo laughed nervously.

"I'm serious"

Kikyo stood there silent for a moment. "So you didn't just have sex with me in the bathroom?"

"No."

Everyone fell silent.

"Guy's stop joking around…this isn't funny." Kikyo said, freaking out.

"I'm not joking. Who went back there Miroku?" Inuyasha asked.

"Nobody I swear!" Miroku said.

"I'm feeling nauseous…" Kikyo said, looking pale.

"Are you sure someone was back there?" Inuyasha asked Kikyo.

I didn't just fuck myself!" She exclaimed, hitting Inuyasha and then clutched her stomach. "I'm gonna be sick."

"You just fucked a total stranger?" Miroku gaped.

"Shut the fuck up!" Inuyasha yelled at Miroku.

"I'm gonna faint." Kikyo paled even more.

"Call the police." Inuyasha told Miroku.

"Why?"

"Because someone back there just raped Kikyo!" Inuyasha held Kikyo.

"Oh god." She said weakly.

"But I thought she said that she did all the work?" Miroku realized.

"WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?" Inuyasha blew up.

They were all silent again for a minute when Inuyasha asked the ultimate question.

"Who's in the bathroom?"

It turned out it was the old man who had asked to use the bathroom hours before. The police came in and found him dead with a smile on his face.

"Who is he?" The coroner asked.

"I don't know. He came in and asked to use the bathroom." Inuyasha answered honestly.

"What time was this?" She asked again.

"Um…Miroku what time was the hockey game over?"

"Three."

"And what time was the funeral?"

"Four."

"Wait a minute. Who was working here then?" The coroner asked.

"Me." Inuyasha answered.

"Wait. Didn't you go to a hockey game and funeral."

"We both did."

"Who watched the store?"

"I closed it up."

"You closed it with this man inside?"

"I forgot he was back there... Everything just happened so fast…" Inuyasha looked down, ashamed.

Meanwhile the attendants wheeled the body out of the store.

"Was he alive when Kikyo…" Inuyasha started.

"No. He probably died around three-thirty."

"Then how was Kikyo able to…"

"No. The body can retain and erection even hours after death…did he have the adult magazine when he came in."

"No I gave it to him." The coroner shot him a look. "He asked me for it!"

"Anyway I need to get results from the lab, but I think he died while masturbating. His heart seized and he died. Then the girl found him later…"

"Wow…this must be the weirdest thing you've ever been called in for." Miroku wondered.

"No, I've seen weirder. Once I came to take in a guy who killed himself while trying to suck his own dick." She recalled.

Miroku gasped.

"What's going to happen to Kikyo?" Inuyasha asked. Worried.

"She's in shock right now. This girl will need years of therapy after something like this. My question is: how did she come to have sex with the dead man in the first place?"

"She thought it was me." Inuyasha sighed.

"What kind of store are you running here?" The coroner asked.

Inuyasha and Miroku shrugged and the coroner left to file some reports.

"Hey Inuyasha?"

"Yeah Miroku."

"Do you think she was talking about my cousin?"

Inuyasha shrugged and watched as Kikyo, wrapped in a blanket and basically catatonic was taken away in an ambulance.

LAMENTATION

Completely bored Miroku began playing with chips and salsa. Making the chip look like a fin swimming in the salsa he started humming the jaws theme and began quoting the movie. Inuyasha stayed quiet.

"You haven't said a thing for twenty minutes. What the hell is with you?" Miroku said, setting the chips and salsa down.

"My life."

"Your life?"

"Why do I have this life?" Inuyasha whined.

"Have some chips. You'll feel better."

"I'm stuck in this pit, earning less than slave wages, working on my day off, dealing with every backward fuck on the planet, the fucking steel shutters are locked all day, I smell like shoe polish, I've got an ex-girlfriend who's catatonic after fucking a dead guy, and my present girlfriend has sucked thirty-six dicks!" Inuyasha vented.

"Thirty-seven." Miroku said, feeling the need to correct him.

"My life has gone to shit. Can you just let me vent on my own?" Inuyasha said, exasperated.

Meanwhile Miroku went to attend to a customer. When he returned he had a lot more to say.

"You're full of bullshit. You know what's wrong with you?"

"The fact that I exist."

"You need to shit or get off the pot."

"What?"

"You heard me. You have this weird malady and it prevents you from improving your pathetic life so you can complain about it."

"Fuck you."

"If you hate this job so much, the people and the way you're treating my them and your boss then you should just quit and stop complaining about it."

"It's not that easy."

"Sure it is. You're just a lazy son of a bitch who likes the comfort of a terrible dead-end job you can always complain about."

"And your life's any better?"

"I'm ok with my life. I don't bitch and complain every chance I get, unlike you who did it all fucking day."

"Why don't you go back to the video store now?" Inuyasha said, getting annoyed.

"It's the same with Kagome."

"Leave you out of this." He said over protectively.

"You like dating her because she's low maintenance and convenient, but all you've done while dating her was pine for Kikyo. This is a girl you dated in high school. Fucking high school!"

"Leave me alone." Inuyasha groaned.

"Let me simplify this for you. If you want Kikyo, then let Kagome go. If you want Kagome then be with Kagome. Don't be an asshole and pine for one while you fuck the other. Just do it and stop being such a fucking coward."

"I wish I could simplify everything like you do…"

"Sure you can. You just choose not to."

"Besides the way things went down tonight I destroyed any chance I had with Kikyo anyway." Inuyasha groaned, thinking about how quickly the night went sour.

"You mean because she fucked a dead guy. Please. My mom's been fucking a dead guy for thirty years. I call him dad." Miroku stated.

"I guess Kikyo and I are impossible…" Inuyasha began to realize.

"Here we go again…" Miroku rolled his eyes.

"It's not that simple Miroku. Look I can't just change my life."

"Sure you can. Just get off your ass and do it."

"Look I can't just risk my comfortable life for the chance of a big prize. It impractical at the very least…"

"Excuses…yes you can. Stop being so fucking afraid."

"I CAN'T!"

"So you'll just spend the rest of your life a miserable wreck? And this is all because you don't have the guts to try and change?"

"My mother told me once that when I as three, my potty lid was closed, and instead of lifting it, I chose to shit my pants." Inuyasha recalled sadly.

"What an epic tale."

"The point is I'm not the type of guy who will disrupt my life just so I can shit comfortably."

And with that he got up leaving Miroku to let it all sink in.

Well wasn't that dark and dramatic?

I hope you all enjoyed! I'll have the last chapter by the end of tomorrow! Please review!