Title: Is That Neil Patrick Harris?
Characters: Kutner/Thirteen, Neil Patrick Harris (a la Harold and Kumar, not the real Neil Patrick Harris)
Prompt: Young
Rating: PG-13
Warnings/Spoilers: Through season 4
Summary: An old friend visits Kutner and they have an...interesting night. (Slight Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle/Escape From Guantanamo Bay crossover?)

"Is that Neil Patrick Harris?" House whispered to Wilson, eyeing a blond man in dark shades a few feet away.

"I think it is," Wilson agreed.

"Neil! You got here in one piece," someone said from behind Wilson and House, rapidly approaching the mysterious guest.

"Kutner, my good man, how are you doing? Ready to party with your old friend, like back when we were young?" the stranger that so resembled Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser, M.D.) asked emphatically as he shook Kutner's hand.

"Uh, I don't know, I've got some work to do."

"Forget it," his friend said. "You and me are going to get blitzed out of our skulls just like before you went to med sch- well hello, beautiful," he said, momentarily distracted as Thirteen walked by.

"What?" she said, turning to look at him.

"Me and my good buddy here are going partying tonight, how about you come with us and show old Neil around town?" he said slickly, smirking slightly.

"No thanks," she said, raising an eyebrow and laughing at him a little before disappearing around a corner.

"Hey man, chill out," Kutner said, hitting his companion on the shoulder. "You can't hit on my coworkers."

"Oh, you want a piece of that?" he asked, gesturing to where Thirteen had disappeared as they walked towards the doors.
"That's not it," he said, shaking his head.

Two hours later, in a dark bar, Kutner and his mysterious blond friend (who everyone seemed to think was Neil Patrick Harris) were drinking shots at a surprising rate.

"So dude, remember that one time I stole you guys' car and was out all night?"

"Yeah, I do," Kutner said lightly. "God that was such a long time ago."

"Really, I'm still sorry about the love stains."

"It's cool, really," he said dismissively. "You've gotten us out of some tight spots."

"Happy to help," he said. "So what about that chick?"

"Who? Thirteen?"

"Yeah that crazy hot one," he agreed. "Gonna tap that?"

"In my dreams, maybe. She's way too hot for me."

"You never know until you try."

"I guess."

A dark headed guy who barely looked old enough to drink too a seat next to Neil. "Dude, aren't you that guy that screwed my mom?"

"Fuck yes bro, that pussy was bomb."

The kid got up and practically ran from the bar.
The drinking continued and the two of them eventually stumbled out of the bar, arm in arm, singing some ridiculous tune.

"I am…way too drunk to drive," Kutner said, fumbling for his keys.

"I'll drive."

"Neil I don't think that's a-" but Neil had already grabbed Kutner's keys and gotten in the car. Before Kutner could get in the passenger seat, Neil sped off.

"Dammit," Kutner muttered, beginning the long walk down the dark street. He didn't exactly know where he was going, but he remembered vaguely that Thirteen's apartment was around here somewhere, and decided that could be his destination.

"Kutner?" Thirteen asked as she opened the door to her apartment. "What are you doing here?"

"Neil Patrick Harris stole my car," he said simply.

"You're completely wasted," she said, sounding irritated. "You reek of weed, get out of my hall," she said, pulling him inside.

"I'm not that wasted," he defended as she closed the door.

"Right, okay, Neil Patrick Harris stole your car," she repeated back at him.

"He's done it before. But he was on ecstasy. He's a lunatic."

"…Okay. Kutner. Go to sleep," she said, gesturing towards the couch. But Kutner wandered off in his own direction. After a moment, she followed him and found him to be sprawled out on her bed, snoring loudly.

She sighed and shoved him over a couple of inches and dedicated half of her bed to her sleep (she only needed half of it anyway, so she didn't bother trying to rouse Kutner).

Kutner woke up the next morning with the most pleasant smell in his nose.

And a not-so-pleasant headache. He sat up and looked around.

He was lying in bed with Thirteen, still in the clothes he had worn out with Neil. She was in pajamas that didn't leave a lot to the imagination. He had to stop and appreciate it for a few minutes.

She stirred and rolled over onto her stomach, propping herself up on her elbows and looking at him.

"Did we…?" he asked, not clearly remembering the events of the previous not.

"No."

"Good," he said, sounding relieved. "No offense or anything. I just, get stupid when I'm drunk. Especially last night, I felt like I was twenty-two again."

She laughed. "Get up, we have to get to work."

"God," he groaned, holding his head. "Neil stole my car, again," he muttered. "I've got to stop partying with him."

"Let me get a shower and I'll give you a ride to work, if you need it, we'll go and find your car after."

He nodded.

She showered and get dressed, and they walked down to where her car was parked.

"How are you going to find your car?" she asked him as she opened her car door.

"Neil has a habit of showing up at the perfect moment and resolving everything," he said.

"So you've known him a while?"

"Since before I went to med school," he said. "Me and my roommate got into some crazy shit one night and he kind of bailed us out, numerous times." He smiled at the memory. "I miss being young."

"You aren't that old," she said, rolling her eyes.

A short drive and they were back at Princeton-Plainsboro. Thirteen parked and they walked up to the building, as soon as they walked through the glass door, someone called out to Kutner.

"Hey! Kutner! Hey!"

Neil ran up to Kutner, who looked irritated and relieved.

"Your keys," he said, handing Kutner the keys and clapping him on the shoulder. "And fifty bucks for a steam cleaner." He handed Kutner a few bills.

"Neil, not again."

"Sorry, man. But, yeah, sorry about stealing your car again."

"It's fine, I guess."

"Oh, and you, hot girl," he said, looking at Thirteen. "My friend here wants to bone you," he said, wiggling his eyebrows a little.

Thirteen turned away briefly and Kutner glared.

"Neil."

"I felt that honesty is the best policy."

Kutner wasn't one to stay mad about things. "Do you need a ride to your car or anything?"

Neil laughed and put his sunglasses on. "Are you kidding? I'm Neil Patrick Harris!" he said, pulling a cord hanging conspicuously out of his jacket, the sound of an engine rumbled and Neil rose into the air and sped off into the morning.

"I told you it was Neil Patrick Harris," House hissed at Wilson as they walked into the hospital.