Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girls.
Author's Note: Thank you all so much for the kind reviews. I really appreciate them. In the next chapter, we will see Chuck/Blair. :)
Serena was looking for her-- three people had stopped her in the halls to tell her so.
That's what almost three weeks of being nice did; it made people comfortable with stopping you in the halls to talk.
She was, of course, studiously avoiding Serena.
She'd made a quick exit from the Bass suite. Chuck had been sitting on the sofa staring at the door when she'd left the bathroom. She had mustered as much dignity as she could while inside it, had quickly done what she could with her appearance.
Her retreat from Chuck's presence had been anything but graceful, she'd nearly stuttered as she'd reminded him that they had school and she needed to go home to shower and change. He had nodded at her, told her he had the driver waiting for her downstairs, then he had watched her as she'd practically run to the door.
Her descent down the stairs had been fast and silent; her escape had gone unnoticed, save for the driver who was experienced enough in such dealings to not twitch so much as an eyebrow when he'd opened the door for her.
"Hey Blair…"
Blair pulled up the friendly, approachable grin she had perfected and directed it at the young blonde approaching her. "Hi, hi, I know, I know… S's is looking for me…" she said lightly.
The girl shook her head, ducking it a little and actually blushing a bit, "No, no. Chuck is—Chuck Bass," she clarified with a touch of awe in her voice, "Is looking for you. He's in the courtyard."
"Oh." Blair's smile almost faltered, almost. "Okay, thank you."
The girl nodded and went on her way. Blair stared after a moment, before turning and heading in the opposite direction of the courtyard. Another Chuck encounter was not in the plan this morning. She checked her watch-- in another six minutes she could disappear into her class.
She had just rounded a corner when she and Serena simultaneously spotted each other. There was no way to pretend that their eyes hadn't met, no way to back away with dignity.
So Blair took a mental deep breath and didn't miss a step.
"Blair, I've been looking for you." She said hurriedly, her face scrunched up in that genuinely distressed expression she had. She wore no makeup and her hair was pulled back away from her face. She looked tired and upset, probably had one hell of a headache too.
Blair offered her, her perfected friendly approachable grin. "So I heard, but we have class to get to."
Serena shook her head, "Last night--"
"Class, Serena."
"Blair..." Serena touched her arm and Blair felt herself slip.
"No," she spat the word with more venom than she'd meant to let loose, her eyes dark and boring into Serena's. It was the first sharp thing she'd said to S since the night of her mother's fashion show.
She had been unfailingly polite and kind at school and hadn't seen her for more than a few minutes outside of Constance; she had ignored every attempt Serena had made to bring up that night—not that S had really tried to bring it up. When Serena wanted something discussed, she got it discussed.
Blair had played the game slowly, quietly—and she had still lost.
She shook off Serena's hand. "I have class." She said tightly and left Serena standing there, watching her.
When the lunch hour rolled around Blair found herself hesitating a moment before heading for the school steps to join the girls.
She had eaten lunch with S and the girls every day despite the new status quo; she hadn't wanted to give them anything to speculate about. The key to her success in this new game, was to not acknowledge the shift in power, to not see the way the crown now rested on golden locks rather than chocolate, and thus far it had worked. She had somehow become an unknown element within the group, they could sense she was no longer in charge, but they could also sense she was not out of play.
She didn't particularly want to sit with them today, but she also knew that avoiding them, avoiding Serena, would only add fuel to the fire. She didn't want to make an issue of last night. In fact during her AP Calculus class she had decided that the best course of action was to pretend that last night had not happened.
That no part of last night had happened.
Serena was already there when she reached the steps, surreptitiously eyeing the front door, waiting for her.
The girls were discussing the premiere of a new Broadway show.
Blair sat down with a chipper, "Hi," as she set her books next to herself and began opening her yogurt. They sent wan smiles her way and continued their conversation.
Blair wasn't following; she was planning her escape, which would take in approximately ten seconds.
She had already shifted minutely on the step when Serena spoke, voice softly commanding, "Hey, can you guys leave Blair and me alone, please."
The girls froze as if sensing blood in the water; they sat up straighter, hands already on their cell phones as they shot sharp glances between the two of them. Blair said nothing, kept her gaze straight ahead on the comings and goings of the street.
"Sure, S," Penelope simpered. The others nodded and murmured their assent.
"Everything okay?" Hazel asked.
"Nothing you need to worry about," Serena stated, her eyes on Blair—who was completely ignoring her.
Moments later S and B were alone.
Blair said nothing as Serena shifted closer to her, just stirred her yogurt and waited.
"Blair—would you look at me."
And it was the pained, earnest tone she used that hit Blair's fury button.
She looked up and sent Serena a scathing look.
If S hadn't been so concerned with getting the right words out of her mouth, she might have recognized the flashing of danger signs in Blair's dark eyes. "Last night I got carried away, didn't think things through and everything just got so… I can't even remember it, really… and I wanted to--"
"You're actually going to sit there and thank me?" Blair knew she sounded surprised, but sometimes even she couldn't comprehend the sheer audacity Serena carried around.
"Of course, I am!" Serena cried, "I know I said things that hurt you, but you still--"
"Came through for you." Blair cut in softly, echoing Chuck's words to her last night.
Serena nodded, blonde hair swishing around her face, "Yes and I've been trying… you've been avoiding me, putting up those— high walls and fake smiles you do and I've… I've let you because—"
"You've let me."
Serena nodded, still too focused on expressing herself to really see Blair's gaze. "Because I know that what I did..." she shook her head, cutting off her own sentence. "I want us to talk today— I mean not just about last night, but about everything—these past couple of weeks… about the night of the fashion show… I'm so sorry—about what I—I'm sorry I hurt you."
Blair blinked at her. Serena's blue eyes were radiating that sincerity that she produced sometimes, that ability to need so strongly you could feel it.
Somewhere, she could feel the others watching, waiting. It didn't matter if they'd heard or not, they could see Serena's face; knew something big was going down.
Playing the game quietly and slowly hadn't worked. B wasn't strong enough to let S fall. She would have to settle for taking her down.
"You could never hurt me, Serena. I'd have to be a fool to believe anything you say," she murmured, kept her voice low and hit that falsely sweet tone she knew conveyed pure disdain.
Serena reared back.
Blair smiled at her icily—and it felt good to use this particular smile. "You're treacherous, Serena; people as reckless as you always are."
"Blair, I--"
"You glide through life and leave the ones that can't keep up destroyed in your wake. Even when you do slow down, you can't stop yourself from breaking people —Dan should know."
Blue eyes filled with hurt, "That's not what happened--"
No, it wasn't, but the veracity of her words wasn't what was important here. She gave a careful shrug. "You're not nearly the iconoclast you like to pretend to be. You're as vain as the rest of us." She gave a meaningful glance towards Serena's new Marc Jacobs bag.
Serena shook her head. "You're only saying this because you're hurt. I know the things I said--"
Enough.
Blair stood, "Oh look at the time, Business Management awaits."
Serena stood too, "Blair, please! I'm trying here, okay. Don't do this."
She employed the same look on S she'd give Chuck earlier this morning. "Do what?"
"Don't pretend… let's stop pretending. We've pretended long enough. I hate it when we're not speaking."
Blair considered the statement. "Odd," she said, the same ice in her smile tainting her voice, "Because you know, if we're not speaking-- then I'm not holding you back."
Serena's entire body flinched.
Blair kept her face impassive as she continued, her voice becoming tight to keep emotions out of it. "You're free to… shine as brightly as you like… without having to…" she paused delicately, skimming her eyes over Serena's entire form before continuing. "Bend over backwards… to protect my… feelings."
She had to swallow hard after she said the words; even now, they hurt.
Serena took a step towards her. "I shouldn't have said that," she whispered, eyes tear-filled; and Blair suddenly felt violent-- wanted to scratch her eyes out because she had no right to cry.
And this charade was going to fall to pieces around Blair in another heartbeat if she didn't get away—because, no, Serena shouldn't have. Because it hadn't been fair of her to say the things they never said, to change the game.
And pretending she didn't care, pretending it had never happened, was getting harder by the moment.
The school bell rang. Blair reached down and gathered her books in her arms.
She turned to head back up the steps; Serena reached out and stopped her with a hand on her arm. "That night…" she began, "These past few weeks, they've felt almost surreal… like I was watching myself spin away in a daydream or something. Every choice I made seemed right, but I only let myself think of it… on the surface… because that's easiest—and I… I needed easy… after… Dan. But then last night…" she drew in a hiccup of a breath, "B, I told myself I wasn't ever going to be that girl again. I promised myself I wouldn't be that gone ever again and then I was… I let myself spiral away… and I'm so scared that…" She trailed off, didn't finish the sentence because she didn't need to; because Blair knew what she was scared of.
Blair stared at her for a moment and then brusquely shook off Serena's hand and dropped, or maybe threw, her books onto the steps; giving up the charade, letting go of the game, dropping the illusions in favor of not pretending.
"Why should I care?! Huh, Serena? Why?" She yelled at her, "You hate that we aren't talking? Really? Because you didn't seem to hate it until you got a vivid, regurgitated memory of needing someone there to hold back your hair!" Blair cried and she didn't care if there were people who hadn't gone to class, who were waiting to see what S and B would do to each other.
"You're only trying because you're afraid next time I won't answer the phone and you'll wake-up in the rat-ridden loft of some middle aged has-been with no memory of how you got there! Or maybe you're afraid that Gossip Girl will end up with pictures of you with vomit in your hair! Whatever! You're trying because you're afraid that the next time you spiral away I won't be there to stop it, that you'll just spin off into the abyss! But you didn't care for an entire two weeks that we weren't talking!"
"I cared! I tried to get you to talk to me! I couldn't reach you! You locked up tight! I couldn't--"
"And whose fault is that!" Blair shouted.
Serena's mouth snapped shut.
Blair continued, "You're only trying now because you remember that you need me whether you like me or not! Whether you have to bend over backwards or not! Whether I'm threatened by you or not!"
Serena's eyes went wide and maybe even filled with anguish, not that Blair was acknowledging that.
"Which by the way," Blair spat, voice full of venom, but no longer yelling, "I'm not." She lifted her chin a hairsbreadth higher, "I am Blair Waldorf. I know my worth."
And she did, even if at times, she forgot it.
The chilly declaration was followed by silence.
"I was angry at you that night." Serena responded softly a few moments later as her tears spilled.
Blair looked away, had never liked to see Serena cry; had never liked for Serena to see her cry.
They were silent and still as statues for what felt like a long time; standing across from each other on the same step of the entrance to Constance Billard School for Girls, wearing their plaid skirts and white blouses, heads turned away from each other, their lunches and books strewn around them; a portrait of a shattered childhood friendship.
It was Serena that broke the silence with a voice choked with tears, eyes trained on her sister's profile. "I know your worth too, B."
Blair turned her head at the declaration, let Serena see her own eyes wet with tears. Let Serena see how much she counted on S knowing, because sometimes she did forget and she needed… she needed Serena to come through for her.
When Serena reached out and pulled Blair into a hug, Blair let her, went willingly. They wrapped their arms around each other tight and closed their eyes to block out the world.
Around them, the entryway and steps loomed empty while the windows and doorways stood full of prying eyes.
TBC.