CHAPTER ONE: What Fans do to Other Fans
The first mistake of the day, Tuima decided, had been waking up.
There were worse mistakes as the day progressed, but that was the first. And it was memorable, because none of the other mistakes were her fault. Mistakes so rarely were, after all.
She strode on, feeling irritable. This was not an unusual emotion for her, except that in this case there was actually a reason for it. That reason involved getting lost – a thoroughly humiliating occurrence for the daughter of a Lorien Warden – and wandering out into some place that was all queer black roads and noisy vehicles and large ugly houses in rows. At first this was intriguing and only a little alarming, but as the day drew on and she still couldn't find anything she recognized, the first tendrils of panic began worming their way into her brain.
Against her better judgment, the Elf stopped several people (such strange-looking mortals!) to ask for directions, but received only odd looks, nervous mutters, and once an exclamation of, "You look like a freak! It's just a movie!" which made about as much sense as a Gondorian ball gown on a troll. By sunset she was frightened, homesick, confused, and very, very irritable indeed.
Somebody, Tuima decided, was going to suffer for this.
"Wow – great costume!" she heard suddenly. Tuima turned to skewer the speaker with one of her trademark glares, and stopped. It was a pretty mortal girl with long dark hair and – Tuima was relieved to see – a dark red dress and a cloak. At last, someone dressed sensibly.
"Where did you get those pointed ears? They look completely real!" the girl said.
…Too bad she wasn't actually sensible.
"Mandos charges four pennies extra if you want them pointed," Tuima said acerbically. "Most mortals forget to carry change."
The girl laughed at that. "My name's Dilly," she said. "Or at least that's what they call me – this club's full of the weirdest nicknames; don't ask me why."
"I won't." Who names a club? It's just a glorified stick.
"So what's your name?"
"Tuima. Orophiniel."
"Nice one. Are you here for the party? Well, of course you are, or you wouldn't be dressed like that. -- Oh, Ere, there you are. Tuima, this is my friend Eredolyn."
Eredolyn was also dressed normally, in a long green dress. But her hair was cropped shockingly short for a female, and she wore an enthusiastic grin which Tuima associated only with lovers, sportsmen, children, and other people of no discernable intelligence. "Hey… 'Tuima'! Wow, that costume is fantastic!" Eredolyn gushed. "Where'd you get those boots?"
"Imladris."
This was in fact true, and as Tuima had said it with no more sarcasm than she usually dosed every other sentence with, it rankled that both mortals seemed to find it funny. "Don't you wish," said Dilly.
"I sure do," said Eredolyn. "Come on in." Tuima followed them stiffly. "I haven't seen you around before," the short-haired girl said as they pushed through a door and into a room full of conversation and music. "Are you new?"
"Yes," said Tuima carefully, staring around for the musicians. There were none. Nor was there a fire, though the room was warm and well-lit. She was beginning to feel even more out of place than before, even if the room's occupants were dressed in familiar clothing. "Can you tell me the quickest way back to Fangorn, please?"
The two humans exchanged a look. "Fangorn Forest? Like in the books?"
"Yes," Tuima said, deciding to ignore the bit about books.
"Um…" said Dilly suspiciously. Her friend, though, hunched up her shoulders excitedly and asked, "Oh, is this like a trivia game? Fun! Okay, Fangorn Forest… Starting from where?"
Tuima raised an eyebrow. "Here."
Eredolyn paused, deflating. She and Dilly shared another look. "Um… no," said Dilly. "It's just a book."
Eredolyn tacked on a sigh. "A really amazing book…"
Tuima opened her mouth for a scorching comment, and then shut it again. There was no point getting into a battle of wits with two obviously unarmed opponents. "Do you perhaps have a map, then?" she asked resignedly.
"There's one in the front of all the books," offered Eredolyn, and dug a very battered tome out of her bag. "There you go."
Tuima studied the sparsely colored page. "Where are we, then?"
"America?" Dilly offered. "If you find it on the map, you get a prize and a nice padded cell."
She thought she'd said the last bit too quietly to be overheard, but Tuima glanced up and observed scathingly, "Well, there is precious little on the map at all. The cartographer appears to have left out nearly everything."
"Tolkien drew it himself," said Eredolyn, in an almost offended tone.
"Who?"
"The author," said Dilly. "Look." She closed the book and pointed to the words "J.R.R. Tolkien" emblazoned on its cover.
Tuima looked blankly at the weird letters. And then her gaze shifted to the illustration: a golden ring, etched with familiar Tengwar characters. She mouthed the first few words and felt the blood drain from her face. They were written in the Black Speech.
"You okay?" asked Eredolyn.
"Beg pardon?" Tuima responded vaguely.
"Are you all right?"
"Oh. Ah, yes. Perfectly. Can you tell me what these letters say?" She pointed to the title. "I'm afraid I'm not familiar with your alphabet."
"Oh. Are you… foreign?"
"I'm beginning to feel so."
"Oh. Well, it just says The Lord of the Rings, and then down here, The Fellowship of the Ring."
Tuima sucked in her breath with a little icy hiss. No one was supposed to know about that! Even she wasn't supposed to know about that, at least not in any sort of detail. And what kind of horrible people were these, to cherish books emblazoned with the Dark Lord's title?
"I need to get home," said Tuima bleakly. She pulled herself together; frost grew across every syllable as she continued: "I would like you to tell me how to get to Fangorn. Now, please. Without any more ridiculous babbling about books and authors."
Eredolyn's eyes narrowed. "I don't know the way to Fangorn," she said. "It doesn't exist."
"I was in Fangorn Forest this morning," said Tuima, and now the frost had reached glacial proportions.
Dilly and Eredolyn exchanged a look. Their expressions had a lot to say about weirdos. "That's nice," Eredolyn said at last. "Um, why don't you go get some food or something? We'll see you later, probably."
"Hopefully not," Dilly added in her friend's ear.
Tuima pretended not to hear. She gave them the slightest and stiffest of farewell bows, and strode away. Hopefully there'd be someone in this crowd whose grip on reality was a little firmer than Dilly's and Eredolyn's.
Some time later...
"But Fangorn isn't real," the blonde human told Tuima. She was the fifth one to do so that evening.
"It's on the map!" Tuima insisted. "Right there!" She stabbed a finger at the decorative map on display.
"Yeah, but…" The girl trailed off, and finally just shrugged. "Well. Uh, good luck…"
"I am not crazy," Tuima hissed at her back. She crossed her arms tightly across her chest, gripping her own shoulders, and added, "I think."
Night drew on. The room stayed bright as noonday, though there was still no sign of a fire or even candles. Tuima sat against the wall, motionless as a statue, and listened to the tide of conversation.
"She hasn't written? Still?"
"That's what I heard."
"But the suspense is killing me here!"
"No kidding. This is probably the best piece of fanfic I've ever read, and Coralie hasn't updated in months."
"She says her muse has abandoned her and she can't write."
There were groans. "She said that?"
"So how does she get her muse back?" asked the blonde girl Tuima had spoken to earlier.
"I dunno… lasso her?"
"Maybe they should hold the next club meeting in Greece," opined a young Man with a thick accent and wild dark hair. "On Mount Helicarnasus. We could sacrifice someone to the Muses. Sweet-smelling savour, and all that Homeric rot." He grinned.
"Har, har."
"I volunteer," said Eredolyn, waving her hands. "So long as I get to finish reading Coralie's fic in heaven. And I think it's Mount Helicon. The Muses have a spring there; if you drink from it you get inspired. Have you guys had any of these cookies yet? They're really good."
The boy took several, and eventually wandered away. His departure seemed to be some sort of signal: the remaining three girls – Dilly, Eredolyn, and the blonde girl – launched into a bout of intense whispering. They obviously didn't think anyone could hear them (didn't they know that Elvish hearing was far superior to their own? Idiotic mortals). The whisperers made frequent references to their earlier conversation: Coralie and fanfic being the most common words. There was another word they kept throwing out: Cebu. After a while Tuima decided it was a name. She didn't really care much; she was a bit preoccupied.
The girls' conversation continued for nearly an hour, while the party ebbed and flowed around them and finally began to drain away altogether. At last the blonde girl, whom the others called Eicys, gave a decisive nod. "Tonight, then?" she asked.
"Might as well," said Dilly.
"I can't wait any longer," Eredolyn agreed. "Onward, Immies!"
The three of them gathered purses and jackets, took down the last decorations, rolled them neatly, and left. Dilly touched a square on the wall, and the lights went out suddenly, without a single servant to extinguish them.
Tuima didn't move. She wondered if she were going insane: it was the only explanation she could think of.
After a second Eicys poked her head back into the room. "Hey," she said uncertainly. "Um... the party's over."
"Thank you," said Tuima without looking up. "I think I spotted that on my own."
"You can't sleep here."
"I don't have anywhere else to sleep," Tuima told her icily. "There aren't even any proper trees in this city."
"We have trees," said a bewildered Eicys.
"None tall enough to sleep in."
"Oh. Um. You really don't have anywhere to stay?"
Tuima shook her head.
"Hang on a second." Eicys disappeared. Tuima looked around: hang on to what, exactly? She shrugged and settled back against the wall.
Eicys' head reappeared. "Do you have any money?"
"Just a little," Tuima said warily.
"Well, there's a motel over by the university; you could stay there. Eredolyn says she'll give you a ride, if you really need one." Tuima hesitated a moment longer, then nodded. She stood up and crossed over to the door. "Woah," said Eicys. "How'd you do that?"
Tuima raised an eyebrow. "What, stand up?" she supplied sarcastically.
"Well – yeah – I mean… You just kind of…" Eicys scooped a hand smoothly through the air. "Like floating… Never mind."
Tuima rolled her eyes, and followed Eicys out of the building. What was wrong with this daughter of Men? She ought to know that just because the Secondborn were hopelessly clumsy did not mean that the Firstborn had to lurch around the same way.
You would almost think she'd never heard of Elves before.
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"Calm down, will you? I'm barely going forty!"
"Forty what?" asked Tuima through gritted teeth.
"Uh, miles per hour," said Eredolyn. "Are you drunk or something?"
"No, but I think I'd like to be. Did you say forty miles in an hour?"
"Yeah…?"
Tuima muttered something in an odd, liquid language and gripped the seat cushion until her hands were white to the wrist.
"So…" said Eredolyn, turning to Dilly for inspiration. "Uh, great party, don't you think?"
"What?" asked Dilly, watching Tuima out of the corner of her eye. "Um, yeah. Um, lots of fun. Didn't you think so, Eicys?"
"Oh. Um, yeah. Uh, Tuima, are you going to… Hey! Hey, there she is, there's Cebu, she's walking home! Stop the car!"
"I can't, she'll see us!" cried Eredolyn. "I'll pull up over there." She swung smoothly into a cul-de-sac and cut the engine.
"That was the Cebu you talked of all night?" asked Tuima from the back seat. "She does not look menacing at all. Why in Arda are you planning to kidnap her?"
This earned Tuima a stunned and chilly silence.
"You were listening?" Dilly asked at last.
"Well, if you insist on 'whispering' so noisily, you must expect to be overheard. What do you want with this Cebu? She looked almost laughably harmless."
"Fat lot you know!" said Eredolyn heatedly. "She introduced us all to fanfiction about a month back, and then she showed us this story by LadyCoralie, and now none of us can sleep at night!! Coralie hasn't updated her story in forever!! But she and Cebu know each other, so we figured we can hold Cebu ransom and make her write chapter 41!!"
"Valar preserve me from multiple exclamation points," muttered Tuima.
"She's coming," hissed Dilly. "Let's go."
The girls piled out of the car – and found their path blocked.
"Excuse us," Dilly ordered Tuima, but Tuima didn't move. Instead she pulled a long knife from a shoulder holster and began to play with it idly. "I cannot let you kidnap someone just to find out the ending of a story," she said.
"Be careful with that thing!" said Eredolyn.
"-- Unless," Tuima continued, "you promise to help me."
"Help you how?" Dilly demanded.
"I need a place to stay, a decent map of the area, and some supplies. In return for these things and your oath that this Cebu will not be harmed…" Tuima produced a coil of thin grey rope and waved it at the Immies.
Eredolyn was first to smile. "It is a nice touch, tying her up."
"I guess Tuima could sleep at my house," said Eicys doubtfully, eyeing the knife. "My parents are out of town. And we can swing by Sonic or something for the supplies."
"Better decide fast," said Dilly, "Cebu's almost here."
"I say yes," said Eredolyn.
And, as Cebu caught sight of them just then, that seemed to settle the question. "Hey guys!" she said brightly. "What brings you all here? Who's the friend? I love your ears, by the way!"
Tuima slid her knife smoothly out of sight again, but didn't let go of the rope. "That compliment is beginning to grow stale," she muttered.
"Cebu, this is Tuima." Eredolyn informed her friend, who had twinkly blue eyes, a curvy smile, and hair like an exploded copper mine. "We've just finished telling her about Coralie's story."
"Oh!" Cebu gushed, "Isn't it great? Have you seen the new comments on Chapter 40? They say that there's a good chance Lady Coralie will post soon."
"Really?" asked Eredolyn eagerly.
"How soon is soon?" asked Dilly, more practically.
"Well, she's got writer's block, and she's been sort of under the weather, so… within the year, I guess."
Even Cebu, who radiated eternal optimism as bright as her poofy red curls, looked a little glum at this. But the others looked positively grouchy. "A year?" demanded Eredolyn, folding her arms. "No way are we going to wait that long."
"But there's nothing else to do," Cebu insisted nervously.
"Well, actually, there is," Dilly smirked.
Cebu shivered involuntarily. She was surrounded by four girls with rope, threatening poses, and gleaming eyes. In three cases they were gleaming with fanaticism; in Tuima's case they appeared to be glazed with condescending boredom. That was not comforting either. "What do you mean?" asked Cebu.
"Well...to tell you the truth, old friend...we're desperate," Eredolyn confessed. "It's the absence of Chapter 41, and gosh darn it we're gonna do something about it."
"That something includes you, Cebu," Eicys put in.
"Me? But…" She stared at the circle of fanatics surrounding her. "Wait!" she began.
"Get her!" cried Eicys.
Cebu shrieked, turned to run, and tripped over Tuima's smoothly extended leg. Ten seconds later, there sat Cebu on the pavement, her bright copper curls standing on end and an expression of astonishment plastered all over her face. She was tied up neatly as a Christmas present.
"Holy Hannah," said Dilly. Whatever else one might have to say about Tuima – and Dilly could think of a lot to say about Tuima, very little of it complimentary – she had at least one thing going for her: she was eerily fast.
"What are you guys doing?" cried Cebu.
"Quick, get her in the car before she wakes up the neighbors," said Eredolyn.
"What? No! Get off me! Help!"
"It's for the greater good," panted Eicys.
"I'm your sister!" Cebu yelped indignantly.
"Really?" asked Tuima, intrigued. "There is very little familial resemblence."
"We can discuss genealogy later," said Dilly, heaving her struggling friend into the backseat. "Get in!" Tuima threw the smelly metal box a sideways glance, but climbed in behind their captive.
"This is ridiculous!" Cebu was wailing as Dilly slammed the door and hopped into the passenger seat. "I tell you about a really good fanfic and you tie me up?"
"I'm failing two classes because of you," Eredolyn said sternly. The car roared to life.
Tuima gritted her teeth and held on tight. Sometimes, when life turns upside down and backwards and spits you into an unheard-of civilization populated by fanatical Sauron-worshipping human girls with ludicrous hair and no sense of the bonds of kinship or the respect due the Eldar, those are the only things left to do.
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