HAPPY INTERNATIONAL ANGST DAY!
The Lost One
A Danny Phantom FanFiction by Cordria
Part Two: Insanity
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I'm up and moving again, walking slowing around in the largest circles my chains will let me. It's been so long since the end of the silence and the start of the noises that I don't even flinch anymore when the sounds reach my ears. They aren't anything recognizable – today is one of the days I remember what words are – these sounds are just strings of harsh sounds and smooth sounds and bubbling sounds. I like the bubbling sounds; they remind me of something I lost so long ago, not that I can remember what it was I lost.
I can't decide if I like the sounds. They are a welcome break from the long years of silence, but they are so very distracting. I haven't finished my pattern on my fingers since the sounds started. Each new sound makes me sit up and listen, pay attention, focused and wary. Soon, though, the sounds become something normal and I stop being startled when I hear them. They just sway through the background of my life.
One combination of sounds – one word, my mind informs me – slips through the cracks most often. For some reason the sounds cause a warm sensation in my stomach and a fluttery whisper in my mind. Phantom. Why am I drawn to the sounds? I'm not even sure what they mean. Perhaps the sounds mean freedom.
Quietly dropping back onto my heels, I wait for a moment as I contemplate my sanity again. I must be crazy today, I think. Now that I'm hearing things that do not belong to anyone, surely I can be insane. If only I could finally allow myself to lose my reason and my sanity, to just admit that I am nuts, I could be a bit happier, I think. The burden of having to stay sane would be off of me. In the end, though, I decide that I still don't know for sure. The safety of insanity stays beyond my outstretched fingertips.
Sighing quietly, I shake my head and drop the rest of the way to the ground, crossing my legs and closing my eyes, propping up my chin with an arm, just listening to the strange sounds. Tu… om… ee… ss… ta… tr… ay…ks…
Such a strange combination of sounds that I can't help but be drawn to, listening rapturously, half-loving and half-fearing what the noises mean. The noises are slipping through the widening cracks in my walls. Slowly my prison is breaking down and the rest of the world is being let inside. I'm not sure what I'll do when the day comes and my world falls completely apart. I understand, now, that it's coming – slowly but steadily. And I fear what is on the other side of my prison walls.
There is nothing out there I understand. There is nothing out there that I know I want. I want so desperately to be free of this prison and of the silence and of the loneliness and of the chains… but when I think about being free, I only want to be locked up again. Only fear accompanies my mind when it wanders towards thoughts of what I would do if I were out of the chains.
My chains. My chains.
Such beautiful chains. I run my free hand over the sparkling silver metal with my eyes still closed, feeling the cold press into my fingers, touching the place where the chain runs straight into my leg. No cuff, no lock, no ring of silver to hold me in place; the chains are welded right to my bones. They are there to keep me in place. To keep me safe. To keep me locked away in my prison. To keep me from leaving.
I want to leave.
I want to stay.
And still the sounds echo through my tiny prison, breaking into my thoughts with their strangeness and their newness, scattering my mind into a million pieces with each sound. I… ve… ou… am…
I curl my fingers together tightly in frustration, unable to think, both loving and hating the sounds that have marred the timeless silence of my prison. Over and over I try to think, I try to understand what's going on, I try to decide if I want to be free or if I want to stay safely in my prison, and each time my thoughts are dashed against the jagged rocks of the sounds of the outside world. Tears prickle in my eyes before I finally give up, allowing myself to let it go and think about it later.
For now, I am trapped, safe, wishing to be gone from this prison and half-panicking over the idea of being free.
Against my cheek, I can feel my fingers tapping unconsciously to the beat of the sounds coming through. I lean into the feeling slightly, my heart slowing down it's frustrated pace at the gentle calming pattern. One, two, four, five, three, two, one, four…
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Gotta go to work, will upload more when I get home. :D