Title: Mail Order Bride
Author: Amused Death
Rating: PG-13 ( T )
Challenge: Fearless Hearts
Pairing: ItaHina

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He glanced through the magazine, more than a little embarrassed. His foolish little brother had dropped it off as a joke, but looking through the profiles...

A few of the women were from the United States, and they were Beau. Ti. Ful. Exotic. Down right freaky. He stopped at a particularly striking young girl.

Page A3. Haruno Sakura.

Hair Color: Pink.

Pink. Pink! How...outlandish. Itachi adjusted his rectangular spectacles and eagerly read on.

Eye Color: Green

Height: 5'6"

Weight: 115lbs

Breasts: 30...AA

The Uchiha quickly turned the page, coughing awkwardly to himself.

A4. Yamanaka Ino.

He observed the thin Ukrainian girl with the bare midriff and long blonde hair.

Itachi was twenty-two and fresh out of college with a Bachelor degree in Forensic Pathology. It was a little early for him to be thinking about marriage, but still...he didn't mind entertaining the prospect. He turned to the next dame. An Asian girl in a Chinese dress, her hair drawn into two buns. She had accompanying swimsuit photos, and Itachi nearly had a dirty little accident right then and there. His cell phone rang and the young man hastily dug it out of his black and red bathrobe.

"Uchiha Itachi," he muttered sinisterly into the receiver.

"Hey," it was Kisame. "Check out page A7."

Itachi blinked. "You got one too?" He idly examined his purple-painted toenails and frowned upon noticing that the nail polish was chipping.

"Yeah, your brother's been passing them out," his roommate responded. There was a heavy pause in which Kisame inhaled. "I'm getting one."

Itachi's eyes widened. "What!?"

"Gotta go. Boss is coming."

With that the line went dead. Itachi sat in frozen silence for a moment, before quickly picking up the magazine and turning to-

Page A7. Hyuuga Hinata.

Dressed in a flowing white robe, the Japanese girl was truly something. She nipped her bottom lip in the photograph, an adorable blush decorating her gentle features. She couldn't have been anything over eighteen. After observing her for a moment longer, Itachi tilted his head in surprise. Is she blind?

No, her description spoke nothing of vision problems. The girl had long dark hair, pale skin, a nice figure – very nice breasts – but her eyes...they were truly freakish! And it was natural. Simply the product of a genetic deformity.

...

HE WANTED HER!

Itachi quickly recovered his phone. He dialed the number as fast as he could, bloodied tears rolling down his cheeks, his fingers sweating and shaking madly. 555-H-I-N-A-T-A. He activated speakerphone.

"We're sorry. This bride is no longer available. Please see our selection of-"

"Dammit!" Itachi hissed, throwing the phone out the window.

- - -

The day had finally come. The day they would meet her.

The apartment was spotless. Half-melted candles covered every visible surface. A thicket of rose petals lead to Kisame's bedroom.

Sasuke was covered in hives, and fervently scratching himself.

Kisame wore an emerald green tuxedo, his blue skin gleaming in the romantic candlelight. Itachi lurked jealously in the kitchen shoving bon-bons into his mouth as his brother's foolish little friends crowded around, whispering and giggling about the coming events.

There was a knock on the door. Everyone perked and peeked into the living room where a nervous Kisame slowly opened it.

It was the girl. Hyuuga Hinata, in baggy jeans and a pullover, a purple duffle bag slung over her shoulder. She slowly looked up, white eyes meeting Kisame's blue face.

"N-n-nani!?"

She had an adorable little voice.

Kisame grinned widely at her, baring his fanged teeth.

Hinata released terrified scream. Itachi rejoiced, the teenagers giggled, and Sasuke scratched himself inappropriately.

In a flash of black and purple, Itachi had run out the door, snatching Hinata in the process. He carried her bridal style and made a mad dash for the local speed-chapel. "Welcome to Canada, eh. I am your new husband."

The girl's eyes widened. "Hu-husband?" she managed, in a thickly accented voice. "Arigato!" she cried, wrapping her arms around his neck.

Itachi shuddered perversely, and the two lived happily ever after...at least until he met Sasuke's bride – a nudist woman from Italy who danced with snakes – in which the weasel proposed a trade.

The End

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Okay, the locations are based solely off the places me and my friends (many who are foreign exchange students) have been. Itachi's Canadian because I'm tired of all the controversy surrounding Americans. He's a forensic pathologist because he reminds me of my friend who studies it, and seems like the type who'd enjoy dissecting dead people.

Thanks for reading.