AN: Sorry, I disapeared. We have not had any internet access for two weeks! I was lost in the real world for far too long!
Disclaimer: These characters belong to the wonderful Stephenie Meyer who dreamed them up, I only turned them human and am enjoying playing with them.
Stand in the Rain by Superchick
She never slows down
she doesn't know why
but she knows that when she's all alone it feels like its all coming down
she won't turn around the shadows are long,
and she fears if she cries that first tear the tears will not stop raining down.
stand in the rain stand your ground
stand up when its all crashing down
stand through the pain you won't drown
and one day what's lost can be found,
you stand in the rain.
she wont make a sound alone in this fight with herself
and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
she wants to be found
the only way out is through everything she's running from,
wants to give up and lie down.
This past week has been surprisingly uneventful. I thought getting everything together for the move to Washington would be more difficult that it has turned out to be. I had hoped to be able to take a few days off of school to get everything packed up and spend a couple of days just saying goodbye to the city I have called home my entire life, but no, Katherine drove me to school every single day. The last couple of days of school were stressed, the teachers all knew why I was moving and I received numerous unanswerable questions about the program I have been enrolled in. I did not think moving to a new program was such a big deal, and had not thought about asking all the questions now raging in my mind. Most disturbingly of all I had failed to ask how long I would be living there. I had narrowly warded off a panic attack in fifth hour chemistry when the teacher asked me that very question. Seeing that I was having trouble breathing and the shaking of my hands, he had sent me to the nurse. As soon as I was able to explain to her what had caused my little break down she called Jan. Jan scheduled a phone conference for me and the directors of the program to talk about all the little details I had so thoughtlessly forgot to think about when I signed up.
Later that day I sat in Katherine's high back swivel chair with my feet resting upon her cluttered desk staring around her office at framed photos of all the children who have passed through this house since she has worked here while I waited for the phone to ring. As promised at exactly four my glassy daze was disturbed by the shrill ringing of the phone. Dr. Cullen and Mrs. Cullen immediately set my mind at ease. They explained how the whole situation was going to work, and I have to admit I got pretty excited hearing that I will be living in a three bedroom townhouse with two other girls my age. I'm going to have my own bedroom! I know that's a silly thing to get excited about, but I can't help it! I could not believe it when they told me that I am only obligated to remain in the program for one year, but as long as I am going to school and doing well I am welcome to stay till I graduate college. If I choose to remain in the program while I attend college there will be financial aid, and I still don't have to pay for room and board! Oh my God are you kidding me! I never thought I would be able to go to college. Now they tell me I don't even have to pay living expenses, and I will be helped with tuition! I am definitely going to have to give Jan a nice Christmas gift this year!
All week I kept expecting to wake up suddenly and find out all this is just some great dream and in reality I'm going to be kicked out of my group home and told good luck. That wake up call never came. I still can't believe this is really happening to me; I still can't believe that with all the rotten luck I have had my entire life that suddenly something this great is really going to happen. I packed the few things in my room that actually belonged to me in two large duffel bags Jan had gotten donated for foster kids to have when they moved from home to home. They now sit half empty on my bedroom floor. I could combine everything I own into one of the large bags. I just can't make myself do it; the thought of my entire life, every piece of physical evidence, the proof of my existence fitting into one duffel bag is just too depressing.
I glance over at the digital alarm clock casting a glow over Abigail's bed. 12:25 am. There is no way I'm sleeping tonight. Thunder blasts loudly as lighting lights up the room through the cheap vertical blinds on our window. I lean over the edge of my bed opening the window to let some fresh air in the stuffy room. I inhale deeply wanting to burn the scent of the desert during a monsoon storm into my memory forever. There is no better smell than the desert soil when rain first starts soaking in. Laying on my side looking out the window I attempt to relax my body piece by piece starting with my feet and working my way up, just like some psychologist seven years ago taught me to do to manage the panic attacks that used to control me. Soon the sound and smell of the rain, the roar of the thunder, and the dancing of the lightning begin to fade into the background.
The setting sun lights the sky with a rainbow of colors reflecting off of the high clouds making the sky appear to be filled with different flavors of cotton candy. The light catches in the slow falling rain making rainbows dance off each drop. Mom and I run hand in hand splashing in puddles lining the street, laughing and having a great time. Mom had noticed the rain as soon as it started and grabbed me by the hand pulling me outside to play without even putting my shoes on. Her face looks radiant, her joy and happiness shines through her eyes as she hops in another large puddle spraying me with the muddy mixture. A childish squeal of delight erupts from me as I dash toward her kicking as much water at her as my small feet can. "Oh you little monster!" Mom teases chasing after me. She catches me easily tickling my ribs till I fall to the ground in hysterical laughter. The muddy water splashes up covering my clothing and hair, leaving me a royal mess. Mom pulls back reaching down to help me up. As soon as I am on my feet I rush toward Mom and hug her tightly, happily sharing the mess covering my clothing with her. I pull away smiling at the four foot mud impression of me left on my moms outfit. If you look closely you can almost see a clean spot where my mouth was open in a smile when I hugged her. We walk back to the house hand in hand in the down-pouring rain. The clouds darken as the sun settles behind the mountains. My father's Phoenix PD cruiser waits in the driveway. A dark silhouette stands on the front porch arms crossed against his chest, an empty glass bottle at his feet. Mom stiffens beside me, "Honey, why don't you go over to Sally's house and see if her mom can get you cleaned up. Just tell her mommy and daddy needed to talk." She pushed gently on my shoulder urging me to go. "I love you baby." She whispered just before I crossed the street. I turn looking back once I reach the other side of the road, wanting to wave to my mom, but Dad has her by her arms dragging her angrily into the house. Tears stream down my dirty cheeks as I walk down the road in the darkening dusk toward Sally's.
My arms flail as someone grabs my shoulders tightly shaking me. "Isabella! Wake up, it's just a dream no one is going to hurt you." Katherine's soft but commanding voice breaks through my dream awakening me. My eyes flutter open frantically looking around the room for my father.
"Oh Isabella." Katherine sighs wiping tears from my cheeks, then using the sheet to wipe sweat from my brow. "Everything is okay now, he can't get you. You're safe." But everything is not okay, the emptiness in my chest argues. Mom's gone, she's never coming back. I am completely alone.
"It's five thirty hon, you need to get ready to go. Jan will be here in half an hour to take you to the airport.
"Thanks." I mumble as I carefully slip my legs over the edge of the bottom bunk bed and grab my crutches. "Can you shut the door behind you please."
I grab the grey and burgundy ASU jersey left behind a few months ago when another kid turned 18 and struck out on his own. I thought it would be appropriate to wear today, a final farewell of sorts to my hometown. I slide it over my grey ribbed tank top not bothering with a bra today; if I have to spend hours sitting in an airport and plane I might as well be comfortable. It's not like I have anyone to impress anyway. The black gypsy skirt laid out does not exactly match the jersey but really who cares. I hate skirts; I wouldn't own any if it were not for the several times in the last three years that wearing pants has been made impossible by bulky, itchy, smelly casts like the one that's on my leg right now. Oh well that's the way life goes for those who can not keep their balance when standing in an upright unsupported position. I slide my uninjured foot into a flip flop and pull myself up using my crutches, glancing around the room one more time to make sure I have not forgotten anything.
Unwelcome tears well in my eyes as a sudden intense feeling of nostalgia and sadness sweeps over me almost leaving me breathless. I'm leaving, I'm really leaving, I will never see this room again. Connie rolls over throwing her arm out over open air above the safety rail. An unfamiliar emotion overwhelms me looking at her small hand. I lean forward and place a small kiss in the center of her palm. "Take care of yourself squirt." Tears flow freely down my face as I realize I am leaving behind not only the house that has been mine for eight years but the only people who know who I am, who love me, or at least like me just because I'm me. No one here cares that I have no family, nothing to offer but myself as screwed up as I may be; they accepted me anyway. Hobbling over to Abigail I lean down sweeping her bangs off her forehead and kiss her brow. "Be good to your sister. I'm going to miss you guys."
I have to get out of here before I loose it. I breathe in deeply, sniffling and trying to stop the flow of tears as I head down the hallway silently saying goodbye to each of the children behind the closed bedroom doors. Katherine waits for me in the common room with little Samantha perched on her hip sucking her thumb and holding her pink silk blanket in the other hand, tears wetting her blotchy red face.
"Isa" she cries loudly stretching her arms toward me as I hobble toward her urging my crutches faster than I know is safe for me. I lean my weight against my crutches stabilizing myself as I reach out to hold her little body one more time. "You weaving me?" she cries burying her face in my neck, and shattering my heart into a million little pieces. Handing her back over to Katherine I place both my hands on her sweet little face and plant kisses on every available surface.
"I gotta go Sammie. I have to grow up now." I answer kissing her tears away, tasting the heartbreaking saltiness on my lips. God, I thought leaving would be easy. "I will always love you sweetie. You be a good girl for Miss Katherine." I have got to get out of here; I can't do this.
My eyes meet Katherine's over Sammy's head my eyes pleading for escape. Katherine nods her head knowingly and looks toward the open front door. "Take care of yourself Isabella; write us when you can." Sammy's screams echo behind me as I step out the front door closing the it behind myself.
The violent sob bursting from my lungs as I lean against the heavy wooden door of Casa Amigos is drowned out by an explosive peel of thunder ripping the clouds in two releasing a torrent of rain. I stand there letting the warm September monsoon flood over me, mixing with my tears. As repetitive booming thunder shakes the sky I scream again and again freeing myself of pent up emotion. But the more I scream the more pain fills the gap left behind, like water being forcefully poured down your throat leaving no room for oxygen to get through. The pain, the memories both happy and heartbreaking that swirl around fighting for dominance leave me gasping for breath, drowning in an endless sea of despair. How did I ever think I could run away, just leave this all the pain here behind me.
Two warm arms wrap around my shoulders pulling me up from the ground I never knew I was kneeling on. My lungs gasping for air as I wrap my arms unseeingly around the person holding me securely to their chest. I stand there clenching the warm body to me for dear life as I stand in the rain and cry.
"Let's get you back inside Isabella." Jan's warm voice commands lovingly as she rests her hand on my shoulder leading me back through the door I escaped through what seems like only seconds ago. Jan shuts the door behind me and unzips one of the duffel bags laying on the floor, grabbing out a new outfit. "You're a mess hon, let's get you changed."
Fifteen minutes later we are heading out the door. My tears dried, face washed, clothes changed, and completely empty inside. There are no more tears to cry, no more screams to yell, just a numbness filling me as if Novocain has been injected directly into my heart. It's time to go.
We drive to the airport in silence. Jan's occasional glances letting me know she fully expects me to loose control again any moment; her lips pressed in a tight line as we approach the departing flights entrance. Pulling up to a luggage valet she puts the car in park and pops the trunk. I sit unmoving in the front seat staring out the window watching the happy people buzzing around preparing for their flights. A mother holds the hands of two young children each of whom are dragging a miniature rolling travel case behind them. The picture of a perfect family jealousy and anger taint the scene. Closing my eyes I try to erase the image just burned into my memory. The door opens beside me and a warm hand is placed on my arm. Opening my eyes I see Jan perring in at me overly concerned . "You need to go get checked in. The porter is going to check you baggage for you." She steps back holding out my crutches to me as I grab my beat up backpack out of the back seat and carefully pull myself to a standing position hoping desperately that I keep my footing walking along the slick sidewalk toward the airport entry. As the sliding glass doors close behind me two final words break through my mental fog. "Good Luck." I refuse to look back or acknowledge I have heard her, knowing my protective fog will be burned away leaving my feelings raw and unprotected. I know I can't make it through this day like that.
Check in goes uneventfully, the desk person kindly arranges for me to be escorted through security and directly to my gate since I am on crutches. I hate the idea of being singled out and having attention lavished on me like this, but it does mean I get to bypass the twenty minutes of standing in line at the security checkpoint, and also means I get to be among the first to board the plane when it arrives letting me skip the long lines and crowded isles of the plane. A fair trade off for the staring faces that follow me as I gimp along at a painfully slow pace behind the airline employee who insists upon carrying my backpack for me. Finally we reach the departure gate and he leaves me to sit alone in the priority seating section to wait for my flight. I pull out my battered copy of Romeo and Juliet and pretend to read as my mind wanders between past, present, and questioning what is in store for me in Washington.
"Flight 1437 to Seattle Washington now boarding at gate E12" A metallic voice states drolly over the intercom. Grabbing my boarding pass and replacing my book in my backpack I pull myself to a standing position using my crutches and approach the black belt blocking the entrance to the plane. No one else has been escorted to the priority seating area so I am allowed to enter the gangway on my own. Thank goodness, if anyone were behind me trying to hurry me up I know I would have fallen on my face trying to navigate down the narrow aisle between seats.
"May I see your ticket please?" The flight attendant asks at the entry of the plane. The grey haired woman looks over my stub briefly seeing my seat number. "Your seat is toward the back of the plane on the right. Would you like any help with your bag?" She asks sweetly glancing toward my crutches and casted leg.
"Uh, no, thanks." I reply feeling the heat of embarrassment building in my face. "I can manage." Taking my ticket back I head slowly toward the back of the plane. Fortunately not many passengers are left in aisle seats from the previous flight. The seats on the right side of the plane are only two deep. Good, I will either have a row or window seat, no need to worry about being crushed between two strangers. My eyes search the numbers listed just below the overhead luggage bins as I carefully maneuver my crutches past each row of seats. 32, 33, I look up knowing the next row is mine.
"Um, excuse me." I say tapping the gorgeous boy, blocking my way, on the shoulder. He pulls his earbuds out and looks up at me grudgingly. His eyes catch mine, so green. I try to pull my gaze away from his eyes, failing miserably. It's as if a fire is lit under the deep green making them dance. I smile thinking of a faint memory of lying in the grass on my back watching the sun dance through the gently blowing, green leaves of eucalyptus trees forming a canopy over me. For the second time today I feel as if I am drowning. Inhaling becomes extremely difficult leaving me gasping for air as stars begin to cloud my vision. I feel myself wobbling slightly as my balance fails due to light headedness, my crutch slips on the slick aisle light strip as I push against it trying to regain my footing.
AN: Hugs, kisses, and a sneak peak for those who leave reviews!