Edward carried me all the way over to the bed and sat me down. I could barely control my breathing as he placed his hands on either side of my face. My whole body felt weak as he stared deep into my eyes. There was no worry in his eyes, nothing but want. His hands went from my face to my waist. His mouth met mine and chill passed down my spine. I loved the cold from his lips, it was refreshing. He deepened the kiss and pushed me down onto the bed. He kept his weight off of my but I could still feel his chest against mine. It was so cool with him there, I almost got chills.
He pulled away when he felt me shiver. "Maybe this isn't the best idea," he whispered. I sighed and shut my eyes. "Edward I don't care to be cold, and if this is headed where I think its headed, I don't think we have to worry about me being cold." My smile was mirrored in his face as he got what I mint. He pulled himself onto the bed next to me and ran his fingers along my arm. "Well since you put it that way." He leaned down and kissed my collar bone, slowly going up my neck. I shivered again but this time it have nothing to do with his cold skin. A smile spread over his face. I ran my hand through his hair and brought him down to my mouth. I could kiss him forever and be happy. It didn't appear he felt the same way. His lips became more aggressive as they tore at mine. I was enjoying his new attitude until it became hard to breath.
I tried to pull away but he didn't even seem to notice. Panic was starting to set in when he finally removed his mouth from mine and moved back down to my neck. I took the moment to take several deep breaths. His hands were pulling at my dress but it wasn't enough to rip it. Yet. I tried to grab his face and push it up where I could look at him but he took it the wrong way and attacked my mouth again. I don't know why but I started to feel afraid. I suddenly thought back to all those times he pushed me away in order to salvage his self control. Maybe I had finally pushed him to far. My body tensed under him but there was no change in how he was pulling at me. His breathing was just as harsh as mine. With all my force I pushed at his chest. He didn't even budge a little bit. Fear was overwhelming me. I never thought I would have to be afraid of him. He was the only person I was never afraid of.
Tears burned there way from my eyes and I continued to push at his chest. His mouth moved again to my neck but it was different. His mouth hovered there. I held my breath. Was this going to be it? Was he really going to do it? I held perfectly still while he judged his action. I felt the breath come from his mouth as he opened it. I imagined his teeth inches from my flesh. Time seemed to freeze there. Neither one of us moved. All of a sudden I remember that I had to breath and I took in a huge gulp of air. This seemed to bring Edward back from where he was and I felt him lift away from me. I never realized my eyes were still closed until I looked up into his face. There was nothing there but horror. He knew what he almost did and it was tearing him apart. I didn't know what he was thinking. The look on his face changed as he saw the tears in my eyes. "Bella", he sighed. I couldn't find any words. It was all I could do to keep breathing normally. He reached for my hand but I pulled it away. I could see the hurt in his eyes but my body wouldn't do what I told it. I didn't want to pull away from him, I didn't want to be scared. He stepped away from the bed and leaned against the wall.
As I set up I noticed that my tears may not have been the only things that sent him away. Along both sides of my dress at my hips were four long jagged tears. Where his hands had been. I looked over at him but he did not return my gaze. Though he wasn't looking into my eyes he was looking at me. I wondered if he was looking for some other reason to hate himself more. Suddenly I was able to control my limbs again and I rose off the bed. "Oh Edward," I said as I ran to him. He tensed as I wrapped my arms around his middle. It felt like forever before he put his arms around me. "I'm so sorry Bella, I don't know what I was thinking trying this." I just hugged him tighter. "I thought my self control was great enough to handle it." He pressed his cheek to my head and sighed. We stood there for a long time before he pulled me up into his arms. He walked us over to the bed and placed me on it. His eyes were somewhat glazed as if he were thinking about something else. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him into the bed with me. "Edward it's just as much my fault as it yours. I could have stopped this whole thing but I…I just wanted it so bad." I felt my face grow hot and I tried to act like it was nothing. He wasn't fooled though. A smile spread across his perfect face. "I want it every bit as much as you but it was just to risky…and still is," he added at the end.
For some reason I wasn't tired at all. My eyes never drooped at all even though we sat in silence for close to an hour. "Edward?" I asked. "Yes love," he answered. "What exactly am I supposed to tell Charlie when he wants to know where I was all night?" "Alice already called to tell him she was stealing you for the night." "Ah." Charlie would never bother to question Alice. I rolled over to face Edward. He was leaning on his elbow playing with a loose strand of my hair. He seemed so innocent but I knew he was fighting with himself. His conscious must be killing him. I placed my hand on his cheek and he closed his eyes. "Your touch is amazing," he whispered. I smiled and leaned down to kiss him. I sensed his hesitation before he kissed me back. Something seemed to click into place then. I scooted closer to him and pressed my mouth to his. I could tell he was still worried but he didn't entirely fight me. His hand ran down my back but it was much gentler than it was earlier. It may have been gentle but it still caused me to arch into him. He didn't seem to mind it too much.
His breath grew more and more labored and we pushed against each other. This time felt different. His touch was careful. Each move he made was though out before he did it. I knew this was hard for him and part of me yelled to stop. That part just didn't have enough pull. Even with his cold body against mine I still felt my skin getting hotter and hotter. This sprung up an idea. I started to unbutton his shirt. He didn't stop me like I had thought he would. Soon enough I had it off of him and onto the floor. "How much," he gasped, " do you like this dress?" I pulled my lips away from his. "Not enough." A smile broke across his face. He ran his nail down the front of the dress and I felt the sides fall to the bed.
His hands explored my now bare body. I was suddenly very self conscious and blushed. He smiled at me and brought his hands back up to my face. "don't be embarrassed Bella, there is no part of you that isn't beautiful to me." His hand dropped down to my waist to play with the small black thong Alice had insisted I wear for "panty line" purposes. The feel of his hand there caused shivers to run down my spine. My reaction must have pleased him because he dropped his hand lower. I pulled his mouth down to mine. The force of my kiss must have had some affect on him because his hand moved up to my hair and pulled me closer to him. Whatever I had done, it really changed him. His hands held me tighter, his body pressed against me even more. I wasn't sure if I had made the right decision.
My heart pounded against my rib cage. I tried to keep up with his movements but that whole vampire thing made it much too hard. Again, it was all I could to keep breathing. His mouth covered mine and I had to steal breaths when his mouth ventured down my neck. This time I wasn't so much scared as I was anxious. I didn't know what was going to happen. Even if I wanted him to stop, would he?