Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all characters © J.K. Rowling.

A/N: So that was pretty fast, right? The other updates will probably not come very regularly. Maybe every 3 weeks. I'll try. Anyway, I have a new title, which may change again. Decisiveness is not my forte.

Chapter 2: Obsessions and Delusions

"You know, Lily Evans could do a lot worse than me," James said dully. It had been three days since his humiliating epiphany, the one where he had realized she was not actually in love with him. He was currently examining his face in the bathroom mirror. "I'm pretty good-looking. I mean, I'm not deformed or anything, I have a sexy Quidditch-toned body- what?" he asked indignantly.

Sirius had snorted Butterbeer all over his bed. "Sexy Quidditch-toned body?"

"Ramona Vane wrote that in one of her fan letters to me last year," James said defensively. "She also called me a 'sex muffin' and repeatedly requested that I go to Madam Puddifoot's with her."

Sirius looked disturbed. "I still think you should have reported her for harassment," he shuddered, spilling some more.

Remus rolled his eyes from over on his own bed where he was writing an essay for Transfiguration. "I'm not cleaning that up for you," he told Sirius severely. "I don't care if you think you're too handsome to soil your hands, just look up the spell."

Just to annoy him, Sirius flicked the rest of the drink at him and swept a few chocolate frog wrappers on the floor.

Remus stared straight into his textbook. "I'm still not doing it," he said levelly. But James noticed that Remus's eyebrow had developed an almost imperceptible twitch. This happened only when he was about to change into a werewolf or when Sirius was being insufferable.

"Anyway, she's friends with Snape, who makes me look like a supermodel- Remus! Are you still listening to me?"

"I'm still listening, James," Peter said patiently. He was also working on his essay and had a smudge of ink on his chin. James pointed this out, and Peter swiped at it with his free hand. All he managed to do was smear the ink across the rest of his chin, giving the impression of having developed a small black beard, a look that was at odds with his dishwater blond hair and round face.

"Uh, yeah, that's good." James lied. "But it's nice that you care, Peter. Now where was I…?" He propped his chin up on his hands, pondering this as he flipped through his Potions notes.

"Evans didn't say you were ugly. She just hates your hair," Sirius offered. "And Pete, you look like a pirate." Sirius unwrapped another chocolate frog and threw the wrapper over his shoulder, where it hit Remus. Remus snapped, hurling his textbook at him and immediately regretting it when the book landed in a puddle of Butterbeer.

"I hate you all," James informed them. "And I have great hair."

Remus, Sirius and Peter were starting to become very concerned about James.

Over the last few weeks, he had started to show some very distressing symptoms of insanity, or was at least harboring some particularly delusional fantasies. They couldn't be sure exactly how or when these symptoms had begun to manifest.

It could have been after he started making the list about Lily Evans, which was now several scrolls of paper long and dragged on the floor. James would not be parted with it.

Or when he started drawing pictures of her in class (James did not possess an ounce of artistic ability; they made sure that these pictures never ever reached Lily, lest her considerable wrath encompass them all. Remus was especially sure that she would not appreciate the one in which James had depicted the two of them at the beach, and was equally sure that Lily would never wear a bikini like that anyway.)

Or possibly after James had seen Lily eating cheese one day and decided that she had a fetish for sophisticated French people. He immediately set to the task of learning French with disastrous results. It had not really been a good idea to suggest "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?" to her, although to be fair, Sirius had been the one to suggest that he try it.

Lily was not pleased. (Madam Pomfrey told James that the scars would probably fade over time, although he claimed they would last forever as a testament to their love. Remus thought James was missing the point.)

Sirius tried to distract him whenever he could, but it was a hopeless cause. James developed a panicked look in his eyes whenever his friends tried to bring him out of his Lily-induced moods, which alternated, often abruptly, between euphoria and misery.

Remus was also becoming concerned for other reasons. Snape had apparently caught on that James was in love with Lily, and it was obvious that he was trying harder than ever to get them in trouble. With the full moon approaching, this could get bothersome.

It infuriated James. "He's so ridiculous," James muttered one day, after they'd caught Snape lurking around in the loo trying to eavesdrop in on one of their conversations. "He's everywhere. We should just hex him and be done with it."

"We did do that," Peter reminded him.

"Oh, yeah." James felt momentarily comforted, but then he quailed under Remus's glare. "What? We were making sure he didn't find out about your- you know!"

Remus looked pale and wan, but he could still muster up a frightening Voice of Reason™ look. "I appreciate that, James, but you're just making him more suspicious. And he's Lily Evans's friend, remember?"

James got that glazed expression he was prone to whenever Lily's name came up. "Right…"

Sirius looked disgusted. "Can you take your mind off of bloody Evans for two minutes? We're supposed to learn how to become Animagi this year, which is never going to happen if you spend all your time mooning around after her."

"Right." James sounded supremely unconvinced.

At dinner, James had planned to sit as far away from Lily Evans as possible, but ended up sitting across from her after they got down late.

This was because he and Peter had ended up spending the rest of the afternoon squabbling over who got to have the last butterbeer. They had avoided the kitchen ever since that time Sirius had accidentally sat on one of the house elves (he claimed he had mistaken her for a stool), after which the house elves had never treated them the same and watched Sirius with a wary eye. As a result, the Marauders had been running low on food supplies.

When James sat down, he very pointedly coughed and looked in the opposite direction. As usual, she ignored him. It was at least better than having his love mocked, James reflected. Lily had not yet acknowledged his love for her and seemed to think it would disappear if she just pretended it didn't exist.

But James Potter was never one to be ignored for long. He made an attempt at a charming smile. A little ways down the table, Ramona Vane sighed and his smile slid off quickly. Loudly, James asked, "Hey, Evans, pass the yams?"

She turned and gave him a cool look. She did not pass the yams. "I heard what you did to Severus this afternoon."

"He told you? What a little cry baby-" James said in disbelief.

"Actually," she interrupted. "Someone else found him and told me. What is your problem, Potter?"

"He was bothering-"

"He wasn't doing anything to you!"

James did not have a good answer. Reflexively, he ran his hand through his hair, a habit he'd adopted years ago.

"He's really not a good person," James said lamely.

Lily glowered. "And you are? You put a hex on him for no reason! Can you blame him for hating you? You're awful to him."

She pushed back her chair and stalked off. James watched her with adoring eyes.

Later that night, James lay in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about a certain redheaded girl.

"Hey, Sirius?" James asked aloud. He'd realized years ago the only way to get a sincere answer out of him was to ask him when he was sleepy and disoriented, and therefore less likely to be obnoxious.

"Whuzzat?"

"Am I awful to Snape?"

Sirius yawned. "Who cares? He deserves it. Are you still thinking about Lily Evans?"

James made a noncommittal noise.

"Forget about it, James. Everyone thinks it's hilarious when you put hexes on people, anyway."

"Yeah."

Lily Evans was only one girl. Lots of girls were interested in him. Did it really matter to James if she was unimpressed with him?

He rolled onto his front and buried his face in the pillow. Yes, it did.

James dreamed of yams and emeralds that night, and refused to get up the next morning until Sirius threatened to talk to Lily again.

Sirius thought James was being an enormous dolt. After Lily had told James that hexing Snape was awful behavior, he continued to do it. It was kind of baffling.

Lily would appear within 20 feet of him, and James would start talking loudly and mussing his hair. And when Lily rolled her eyes and either ignored or shouted at him, he seemed to think he was being encouraged and continued by demonstrating his impressive hexing prowess. Whenever Lily was in his vicinity, the number of students sent to the hospital wing increased sharply.

Remus, returned from his monthly "sick day", made an honest effort to save James from his foolishness. Things like this were the reason that Remus and Lily were actually on cordial terms. Lily regarded both Sirius and Peter suspiciously, since James' antics seemed to amuse them.

Sirius even tried to be supportive about it. James was the best and the first friend he'd ever had, but enough was enough.

"James, do you realize that we haven't played a good prank in weeks?" Sirius was trembling and had the look of an addict going through intense withdrawal.

James was pretending to practice his Cushioning Charms while actually staring at Lily from afar. Distracted, James waved his wand and nearly stabbed Sirius in the eye.

"Um. Sorry about that. What about pranking?"

Sirius screwed up his handsome face in anguish. "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE BECOME?"

James finally faced him, annoyed. "MY LOVE FOR LILY EVANS IS A PURER AND MORE BEAUTIFUL THING THAN ANY PRANK-"

"Ahem." They turned to see the entire Charms class staring at them. Professor Flitwick looked stern. Lily looked like she wanted to punch James in the mouth very badly.

"Sorry, Professor," James and Sirius chorused together, both with the same winning smile. Flitwick shook his head and turned away, but the corners of his mouth twitched.

"Unbelievable," Peter whispered to Remus, awed. "They can get in any kind of trouble and charm their way out. Er. No pun intended."

Sirius was smug. "Try not to feel bad. I'm naturally gifted."

"Incoming," Remus muttered. James looked up in time to see a scowling Lily Evans bear down on him. His hand drifted up to his hair.

"Hello, Evans-" he began.

"Listen, Potter," she cut him off. "I know all about your creepy little crush, and I don't care. But I'm begging you. Please do not talk to me. Do not talk about me. Do not even look at me and hopefully you'll eventually forget that I even exist. I've been thinking, and this is probably the best solution to your… problem."

James took this advice surprisingly well. "So, you've been thinking about me?" His voice got deeper, and Sirius sniggered audibly. "What a happy coincidence."

"I don't think about you if I can help it," she told him. Her freckles stood out and her cheeks got blotchy, as they were wont to do when she was considering dismemberment. It was a look the Marauders were accustomed to by now, since it was the look she adopted whenever James was around. "I think of you the way I think about other unpleasant things, like chicken pox and mold."

"I could be like mold," James said eagerly. "Mold grows on you."

Sirius looked embarrassed for him.

"We are not having this conversation anymore," Lily said with a kind of horror in her voice. Fortunately, the bell rang at that moment.

"I'll make her like me," James declared. "You'll see."

A/N: Reviews make me write faster. Just sayin'.