A/N: Yes, well. This is late. Apologies. Please don't hurt me.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all characters © J.K. Rowling.

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Chapter 3

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Late one night in November, the Marauders were huddled together at a table in the library, making plans for their special map of the school. The project was in the beginning stages, and while they were usually rabid with excitement about it, no one seemed able to concentrate tonight. Peter's head kept drooping and James was sporting a mysterious black eye that he kept rubbing distractedly.

"Let's finish this later. I'm tired," Peter complained. "And Madam Pince is looking at you funny, Sirius."

"She's probably in love with me," Sirius said knowingly. "A lot of the teachers are."

"I doubt that, she keeps glaring and muttering curses under her breath. She never got over the time you exploded your Potions book in front of her after exams."

"Whatever. You know, Madam Pomfrey is pretty hot," Sirius commented, yawning. "I think I might have a fetish for nurse uniforms."

"Sirius," Remus sighed. "Madame Pomfrey is twice as old as you are. And that is every kind of creepy, not to mention illegal."

"Actually, I'll be 15 in one month, and she's 29. Do the math," Sirius said smugly.

Remus stared at him. "And… she's twice as old as you."

Sirius counted his fingers. "Wha- oh, bugger. Fine." He pouted. "In ten years, she'll be 39 and I'll be 25."

"Still creepy."

"Why do you have to be such a buzzkill?"

"I'm not being a buzzkill. I just don't think you should make any plans to woo the school nurse yet. Start with something smaller," Remus advised. "Like a girl your age. One who actually likes you, for that matter."

"Good luck with that," James muttered. He was hard at work doodling another stick figure picture of himself with his future wife. Remus noticed that Lily was a lot happier to see James in the picture than she had ever been in real life. "Girls think you're mental, Sirius."

"Ah, but that's where you're wrong," Sirius crowed. "Girls think I'm 'gorgeous' and 'charming'." Sirius examined his face in a small hand mirror carefully, turning it to the side in order to best capture his features. "You see, I am just as, if not more handsome than James. For one thing, his hair is a mess. Mine is perfect. And my smile is way sexier." Sirius pulled the corners of his mouth out in a crazy grin, the kind that made people want to shove a fist in his mouth.

Peter looked as if he agreed with this.

"Since when?" James grinned, finally looking up. "And stop talking into the mirror, Sirius. I can hear your voice coming out of mine in my bag." Their set of matching mirrors had proven to be an invaluable communication device.

"Actually, it's true," Remus said reluctantly. "I heard some girls in the common room discussing you two. Apparently, Sirius is hotter but you're funnier."

James almost peed himself with excitement. "Was Lily Evans one of them?"

"Um… no." Remus lied. He decided not to mention that she had rolled her eyes, disagreed, and called him an arrogant jerk in dire need of a haircut. He wasn't sure if James could take another slight about his hair. "Ramona Vane was, though."

"I thought you weren't very interested in the girls here, Sirius," Peter broke in.

"I'm not," he said casually. "But if they're interested in me, then I might as well take advantage of it. After all, I am terribly handsome." No one could deny this. Sirius had slightly too-long black hair, striking grey eyes, and amazing cheekbones, which Remus supposed was enough to combat the craziness in his smile.

"Take advantage how?" Peter asked. His eyes were very wide.

"Obviously, he's going to make them do his homework," Remus said dryly. James snorted and held up his completed work for all to gaze upon in reverence. "Also, I don't think Lily's boobs are that big, James. You're just projecting your image of what you think Lily should be, which is at odds with what she actually looks like." Remus was taking Muggle Studies this year. Recently, his new favorite activity was enlightening the other Marauders on their mental problems according to Muggle psychology.

"Maybe the occasional visit to the Astronomy Tower," Sirius admitted. Peter almost fell out of his chair, and his mouth formed a scandalized 'o'.

James stared at his picture, resentful of Remus's comment. "Such a thought has never crossed my mind. Lily is, true to her name, like a delicate flower-" ("Not exactly," Peter murmured) "-and deserves much better than such perversion from your minds! My mind and intentions are pure!" He cast a glare upon the others, as if daring them to contradict him.

"Liar. When we were at Quidditch practice yesterday, you flew up to Gryffindor tower to see if you could catch a glimpse of her changing through her window," Sirius informed him. There was an inordinate amount of glee in his voice, as there always was when he discussed James' shortcomings.

"I don't want to talk about it!"

"And you accidentally looked into Jacob Abercrombie's when he was changing, and he saw you and came down and gave you a black eye," he supplied helpfully.

Remus put his quill down, appalled. "You told me you got hit by a Bludger."

"I never liked Jacob Abercrombie," Peter said. His voice trembled with indignation and concern. Poor James, suffering from his love of a harpy.

"That girl is bad for me," James grumbled. "She makes me do ridiculous things."

"I think it has less to do with her than the fact that you are, by nature, a ridiculous human being." Remus tried to be tactful. "It's not your fault, James. You've been mad since you were a young child. I think your parents encourage it. They're your enablers." He raised his eyebrows wisely.

"Speaking of which." James pulled a letter out of his pocket, one written on thick parchment with a red and gold 'P' seal. "My mum wrote me to give all of you an early invitation for their Christmas party. It's not that fun, mostly people from the Ministry." He grimaced, and then hesitated a little. "She also told me she got you new sheets, Sirius. In case you want to stay over."

The Potters were very wealthy, extremely indulgent to all of James' whims, and fond of his "little schoolmates". It went without speaking that Sirius was invited to stay the entire break. They all understood how Sirius did not get on with his family.

"Thanks," Sirius said. His voice turned bitter. "Things haven't been so good lately. They write me a lot of letters about Lord Voldemort and how he has the right idea, and I should keep track of his rise. Because he's so amazing, and all."

"Don't worry about it. We like having you around." James shrugged, a little awkwardly. Remus didn't quite know what to say either. What could you say when your friend hated his family, and with good reason? Peter's eyes were wide, this time with sympathy.

Sirius drummed his fingers on the table and seemed to want to change the subject.

At that moment, Lily and Snape entered. Sirius perked up. "Look, James!" Usually Sirius wasn't thrilled to have Lily around, not because he didn't like her, but because it meant James' mouth would hang open and he would adopt a disturbing puppy-dog expression that was extremely embarrassing even to look at. Right now, he more than welcomed the distraction.

James' head whipped around so quickly that it sent a breeze across the table, and Remus hastily stashed the parchment they had been enchanting into his school bag.

Snape's mouth lifted at the corner in a sneer when he saw them, but he didn't say anything. Lily, on the other hand, gave Remus a friendly smile before sending the rest of the Marauders a withering glare that rivaled McGonagall's in intensity.

Sometimes Remus wondered why James had chosen to fall in love with someone who was obviously capable of and itching to inflict bodily harm upon him. James was strange like that.

"Hi, Lily," Remus said. Remus and Lily were both taking Ancient Runes, and they sometimes talked in class, although Remus always felt a slight underlying urge to apologize for James and what was probably his legitimate insanity. Right now he tried to convey that feeling of sincere apology in his face.

"Hel-looo, Evans," James greeted her in an awful voice, one that he'd been practicing in the mirror for weeks. Remus thought that it made him sound like a sick frog. James' face had undergone a massive change since Lily stepped into the library: his hazel eyes brightened, he pushed his glasses up his nose, and he sat up straighter. The overall effect was not unimpressive, but he had a mad glint in his eye that threw the whole thing off.

Probably that was why he and Sirius were friends, Remus surmised. The craziness in their faces had found each other.

"Hi, Potter," Lily said unenthusiastically. James had mostly stopped bothering her ever since that time she had told him to pretend she didn't exist, but he still stared at her, hexed people randomly (this particlar annoying trait happened to be sticking with him, regardless of Lily's presence. James had always liked showing off) and greeted her in his creepy voice all the time. It was an improvement, Remus admitted to himself. And it was still kind of funny to watch Snape's eyes narrow whenever he saw James watching Lily. At least the Marauders and Snape hadn't gotten into any fights lately.

Lily tucked her red hair behind her ears and determinedly did not look at James. "So, Remus," she began. "You know the test we had in Ancient Runes yesterday? I think I found a mistake in the translation that…"

As James watched them talk, a new idea dawned on him. After Lily and Snape had left, he trained his eyes on Remus imploringly.

"You're friends with Lily. Help me woo her. She won't be able to resist me."

"How am I going to be able to help you? It's your personality that she doesn't like, and she told you why. She tells you why all the time, actually."

"But she likes your personality." James raised his eyebrows. "And I'm very good-looking, and we found that book on how to make Polyjuice Potion…"

"No," Remus told him flatly.

James tore at his hair and pounded the table in exasperation, causing Madam Pince to throw them out of the library. They argued all the way back up to Gryffindor Tower.

"It's so easy to pretend to be me! Just look cool and joke around in classes a lot. And do that thing with my hair. Please?"

Alarm was visible in every line of Remus's face. "Lily's right. You're completely insane."

"Just for one day! Just so you can talk with her and make me into someone she likes! I'll give you all of my wizard cards!"

"No," Remus repeated. "James, this is seriously the worst idea you've ever had. It's worse than that time with the house elves and the exploding laundry. So much worse."

"Hey," Sirius interjected, looking offended. "That was my idea, and it was brilliant. They were ok after Madam Pomfrey fixed their burns. And I apologized. They thought it was funny."

"I'm sure the house elves thought it was hilarious," Remus said sarcastically. "That's why they don't pick up your laundry anymore."

"Is that why?" Sirius asked, distracted. "I thought it was because I sat on one in the kitchen."

Impatiently, James rounded on him and Peter. "What do you two think?"

Peter looked taken aback. "Oh, uh. Sure. If Remus wants."

"Do it," Sirius said excitedly.

"NO."

Remus refused to talk about it any longer, and they dropped the subject. But the idea lingered in James' mind, as all dangerous ideas are wont to do.

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A/N: I feel like it's practically a MWPP fanfiction requirement to have some sort of Polyjuice Potion mishap come up. Clearly, clichés and I get along well. Oh, and readers, let me warn you of this: Potter hair jokes will always be funny to me. Always.

Sorry for the delay, junior year is to blame. Please review!