Gentle-Fist Massage V: Life of Shinobi

Part 5: "A Time for Mourning"

Shikamaru sniffled, wiping away another stray tear from his face. He was lying on his big bed in the dark bedroom, staring intently at the empty pillow beside him. It was hard for him to imagine waking up alone every day, having the other half of the sheets vacant and cold. He scooted over as far as he dared, not wanting to lie on his love's side. Slowly the shadow wielder brought a hand from beneath the blanket he was wrapped in and gently touched the soft pillow.

He could almost see Neji beside him, sleeping soundly, his beautiful skin bathed in the moonlight pouring in from the windows, lips slightly parted as he breathed. A smile touched Shikamaru's lips at the sight, carefully running his fingers over a pale cheek.

He gasped at the feel of it. '…so cold.' Why would he be cold? Shikamaru looked closer and saw a faint splattering of blood across his face. What was this? He tried to pull his love closer, but the other didn't move. Neji's head rolled to the side and a gaping, pale, dead face landed before the shadow wielder's. His breathing stopped as he stared into lifeless, white chocolate colored eyes… the eyes of a corpse.

Shikamaru screamed, sitting up swiftly in bed and turned to look beside him, already crawling to the edge. Relief steadily flowed through him as he saw an empty pillow and undisturbed sheets on Neji's side of the bed and he released a shaky breath. His heart was pounding and tears were already pouring from his eyes. Trembling hands came up to wipe away the wetness from his cheeks, even as more came to him. He hugged his knees and cried, though whether it was from the aftershock of the dream or the still upsetting realization that Neji would never return, he wasn't sure.

Suddenly there was a warmth on his back as pale arms encircled him. Shikamaru tensed, picturing his lover's corpse draped over him, but then he realized if that was the case, he'd be cold. Slowly, he turned his head to look into the artist's dark eyes. "Sai?" he said in a very soft whisper. "What are you…?" he trailed off at the tender gaze in the other's orbs.

Sai smiled. "You shouldn't cry alone," he stated, pulling the Nara to hold him against his chest. "I've read that people, when looking for comfort, like to have… what's it called?" His eyes looked across the room a moment before returning to the slightly confused man in his arms. "Oh yes, 'a shoulder to cry on.'" He shocked Shikamaru completely by tenderly wiping away the tears on his cheeks. "I was brought here to be your shoulder, Shikamaru."

The Nara's chest tightened at the statement. He stared up into that pale face that held a very soft expression. The moonlight made his skin almost glow and dark eyes sparkled. Within that gaze and that embrace, Shikamaru felt… safe. The cold loneliness of his heart was kept back and he suddenly didn't want the artist to let go. He buried his face into the dark material of his tank top and wrapped his arms tightly around the other's slender waist.

"Would you like me to stay with you tonight?" Sai whispered, running a hand up and down the shadow wielder's back.

Shikamaru merely nodded, a few stray tears escaping his shut eyes at the thought of the paler man not wanting to remain there. This man's warmth was so welcome in his cold heart, and the Nara was very glad as Sai lied down with him, wrapping them in the blankets.

Shikamaru nestled as close as he could to the paler man, not wanting one part of his own body to be without that heat he missed so much; it wasn't the same as Neji's but would have to do. As he fell into slumber, he could have sworn he felt fingers gently running through his hair, but wasn't sure. It was enough to lull him into sleep, which didn't have morbid pictures of his dead lover.

He awoke the next morning in an empty bed. Heat still lingered from the artist's body and he was quick to cover himself with the blanket, treasuring it like the rarest of feelings on the planet. Soon after all the warmth had left him again, the shadow wielder could smell coffee floating into the room. He begrudgingly got up, knowing the paler man would do so at some point anyway, and headed out of the bedroom. Not even bothering to grab a shirt, Shikamaru walked down the stairs and entered the kitchen in nothing more than his black pajama pants.

Sai was standing at the counter, his back to the shadow wielder, waiting patiently for the coffee to finish brewing.

Shikamaru gazed at him for a few moments, unsure of what to say, if anything at all. This stoic and unemotional ninja had been so kind to him. Well, maybe kind was the wrong word for him, but the shadow wielder didn't know how else to say it. He didn't hate the artist anymore, he was grateful for him. This man had brought Shikamaru back to reality, even if his methods were sometimes too straightforward, or too intricate depending on what he was trying to do. He was smart and talented and—

All thoughts stopped as Shikamaru's eyes caught the sight of long, dark hair hiding a bare back from him. He saw the head turn and white chocolate colored eyes looked back at him, a smile curling his delicious lips upward.

He blinked and the vision was gone; Sai was pouring his coffee into a cup and grabbed the container of sugar.

'Neji,' he thought, eyes filling with tears again. Shikamaru had been having those flashes every so often, seeing his lover instead of the artist. He wasn't sure what it meant, but it always made his heart clench sadly and now he wasn't afraid to show it.

The shadow wielder walked up to stand directly behind the paler man and slowly placed his head against Sai's shoulder, letting more tears fall from his already bloodshot orbs, sniffling.

The paler man slowly turned, looking into his eyes for a moment before wrapping his arms around the Nara's shoulders and holding him close.

Shikamaru draped his arms around the artist's waist, letting the other's warmth encompass him as he cried softly. This man was so comforting and he wondered where he learned it. He used to be so… cold and distant, an unfeeling bastard who prided on having no emotion. He only cared about art and completing his mission with the greatest loyalty, not to mention his odd obsession with penises.

The man holding the shadow wielder was not the same as before; he was starting to embrace the emotions he had hidden away for so long. He wondered what caused the artist to want to change. More than likely it was because of Naruto; he seemed to have that kind of effect on people. However, that really didn't explain his recent actions. Shikamaru had never known the artist to touch others willingly. Why was he doing it now?

The Nara pulled back a bit to look into Sai's dark orbs, searching them for some kind of answer. He was slightly shocked at the warmth he found in them. He gazed for a long time into that darkness, wishing that heat would consume him, keep him warm and comforted for the rest of his life. Shikamaru leaned forward, trying to be lost inside those eyes, to never deal with the coldness surrounding his heart ever again. He could feel hot breath brush passed his skin and a small tremor ran through his body; he needed that.

Wanting that heat to surround and fill his body, Shikamaru carefully pressed closer, lips lightly touching. He gasped as bolts of electricity shot throughout him at the contact and moved closer, needing to feel it again. He covered the artist's lips with his own, a small moan rumbling deep in his throat. Those lips were a bit warmer than the rest of his body and the shadow wielder wanted more of it. He moved his mouth against the paler man and was glad the other returned the gesture, the movement causing heat to pool within Shikamaru's chest and slowly spread to the rest of his body.

Shikamaru became greedy, running his tongue along a bottom lip, begging for entry and was elated when his request was accepted. He slid his tongue into the artist's mouth and moaned again. It was so hot! He could taste some sweet coffee still on his tongue and he quickly licked it up, sucking the other's muscle into his own mouth, trying desperately to get more of that glorious heat into his body.

The other man moaned, the sound going straight to the shadow wielder's groin. He shuddered, enjoying the small noise and the heat holding his body tighter. Shikamaru needed more of that, damn it! He needed more heat, more moans, more of the man within his arms.

'I love you, Neji.'

Neji… only, this wasn't Neji.

Shikamaru stopped moving, his eyes opening wide in horror. He was kissing Sai! He pulled away, breaking out of the embrace and stumbling back several feet until he bumped into the table. The shadow wielder panted, wiping his mouth of the saliva that had smeared across his lips, looking anywhere but at the artist.

Fuck. He shouldn't have done that. His conscience screamed at him, 'What would Neji say if he saw you making out with him!' He flinched, tears stinging in his eyes once again, but he refused to let them fall right now. Shikamaru couldn't believe he did that. Neji was barely cold in his grave and he had kissed another man. No, not just kissed; he had wanted another man. That couldn't have been right.

'Forgive me, Neji,' he thought sadly.

Shikamaru sighed; suddenly having a strong urge to move, work through the confusion within his mind. Immediately, he walked to the staircase to get some clothes.

"Shikamaru?"

The shadow wielder stopped on the first step, slowly raising his eyes to look at the artist. His pale cheeks were lightly tinged pink, dark orbs glazed over and was softly panting. 'Fuck that's cute.'

Flinching again, he looked away. Why was he having these thoughts? "I… need to be alone, Sai," he whispered, quickly climbing the stairs and entering his bedroom. The Nara put on suitable clothing and moved fast to get out of the house, not wanting an awkward encounter with the artist; well, not until he'd worked things out in his mind, at least.

He flew out the door, not even pausing to check on the paler man. He released a long breath, taking a moment outside to enjoy the morning air.

Shikamaru began moving, not sure of where he wanted to go, but knowing where he needed to be.

Shikamaru gazed at the stone sitting at his feet. He wondered if maybe he should have gotten some flowers, but he really didn't feel like seeing Ino just then. He wanted to be alone… with his lover.

The marker hadn't changed since the funeral; Neji's name was still carved onto its face, some dying roses stood in a vase beside it. He briefly wondered who had brought the flowers before slightly shaking his head. His lover had lots of friends and relatives; it's only natural that they would visit on a regular basis. It was more than he'd done.

The shadow wielder felt a small twinge of shame at not having visited this spot since the funeral. He had been the Hyuga's soul mate and closest friend; it should have been his job to see the grave daily and comfort the other people who had been important in his love's life.

He sighed, blocking the thoughts in his mind. It was too late to think like that and pointless to waste his energy on it.

Slightly shivering, the memory of Sai entered his mind and he gazed sadly at the marker. "I don't know what to do," he whispered, silently praying Neji was listening. "I love you… I miss you, Neji. I know it's too soon for me to move on, but… he is so warm." He paused, a stray tear falling from his eye. "Please… tell me what to do."

The only answer he received was the wind, rustling the leaves of the trees and blowing his loose hair around; he'd been in too much of a hurry to tie it up.

"Shikamaru?"

His eyes slowly rose from the grave to see Lee standing a few feet away, some fresh yellow roses in his hands. "Hey, Lee," the Nara replied, returning his gaze to the marker.

Lee smiled a little. "I haven't seen you with your hair down in a while," he said, walking up to the shadow wielder. "Almost didn't recognize you." He kneeled down in front of the stone and removed the wilting flowers, replacing them with the fresh and bright roses. Saying a small prayer, he stood next to the other. "How have you been fairing?" Lee asked.

Shikamaru shrugged. "Getting along."

A moment of silence passed, another small gust of wind causing the trees to sway at the silent song.

"It doesn't seem real," the bushy browed ninja whispered. "I can't believe that he's…."

The shadow wielder closed his eyes, halting the tears that wanted to escape. "I know." He took a deep breath, calming the sadness within his heart and opened his orbs again, gazing at the tombstone.

Lee sighed heavily, and the Nara turned to him as he wiped away the tears that had fallen to leave wet trails down his cheeks. Sniffing, he smiled at the other. "While I see you, Shikamaru," he said, voice a bit more cheerful and like his old self, "Sakura and I are having a get-together tonight. You are more than welcome to join us, if you'd like. I know there are a lot of people who'd like to see you."

Shikamaru glanced at the grave, a small smile curling his lips. "Uh, we'll see. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go to parties, yet."

The green-clad ninja cocked his head to the side a little. "You can bring Sai; he is also welcome to come."

The Nara remained silent, proud he was able to keep from flinching at the artist's name. He wasn't sure if he should do that; wouldn't it insult his lover's memory? He turned to Lee as he placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"You shouldn't lock yourself away, Shikamaru," Lee stated, still smiling. "Your loss hit a lot of people, and I for one would be honored if you joined us tonight… and mourn with us."

Shikamaru raised a curious eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"The get-together is a party for the memory of Neji Hyuga. It would be a shame if the departed's soul mate couldn't make it."

The shadow wielder slowly nodded, tears pooling in his eyes once more. "I'll be there," he whispered.

"Good." Lee gazed at him a long moment before pulling him into a tight hug.

Shikamaru returned it, noting the warmth of this man wasn't the same as the artist's. The warmth Lee had was mostly in his words, eyes and expressions. Sai rarely expressed anything and his words were usually cold. It now made sense why his body was so warm; it was the only outlet he had.

"Don't be sad," the bushy brow ninja said as they parted. He smiled a little wider. "Neji would want you to be happy, you know that."

The shadow wielder nodded, wiping the tears from his eyes before they could fall down his face. "Yeah, I know."

Giving Shikamaru a gentle pat on the shoulder, Lee gave him a short farewell before walking around the other graves, heading back to the village.

Shikamaru sighed, dark orbs focusing on his love's marker again. Neji hadn't given him any answers, but maybe Lee had given him a push in the right direction. He shouldn't stay cooped up on his house for the rest of his life and he couldn't be sad forever. He still didn't know what to do about the artist, but hopefully that answer would come with more time.

The shadow wielder turned and left the graveyard, deciding that he would go to the party and actually mingle with his friends, he would take things one day at a time, he would let the sadness flow through him naturally… and he would bring Sai with him, for better or worse.

And he would always love the man he had lost until the end of time.