I went back to the mall alone. I looked in all the stores that might have something halfway decent. After awhile it all started to look like commercial crap. Shit made in China. Shit made with lead paint or some toxic substance or it was flammable. None of it seemed to say what I wanted it to say, and that was that I knew this year was different.
I fingered sweaters and lifted up ties and even looked at the stupid tie rack that Sydney had suggested. No good. There was nothing here to get him. Maybe I was trying to squeeze it all into this gift because Ashley wasn't the only one I couldn't say things to. I couldn't say real shit to anyone. I kept it all to myself, all the feelings, all the everything. Why was that? I knew I was pretty screwed up, I knew that. I mean, my mom died when I was pretty young and when that happened I shut down. I had to to survive it or the pain would have killed me. And of course my dad wouldn't talk about it, or let me talk about it. I'd say stuff about her but then I'd see the look in his eyes, that 'shut up or I'll beat you,' look.
Yeah, so I shut down. But maybe I was still shut down. I still wouldn't say anything even though my dad was dead and this whole inability to admit my feelings was causing more harm than good now. I couldn't change. Shit, that sucked.
I left the mall even though I still didn't find anything. The days were ticking away. I'd have to get him something sooner or later.
At home I watched Ang make him a poster, coloring away. It had everything. Christmas trees and presents stacked a mile high and elves and Santa and all of us. There was Sydney with her long black hair cooking something that looked like a plucked ostrich but I was betting was a turkey. There was Joey, bald head gleaming away and a big goofy smile on his face opening an oversized gift. There was me in the corner with my curly hair and a guitar. There were hearts exploding all over the place and in big bubble letters she wrote, 'I love you, daddy,' Angie got it. That was all I was trying to say with this impossible to find present.