A/N - Much thanks goes to Bloody Ampersand for being the most awesome beta in the world!

One More Day That I've Survived

"We really appreciate this," I heard Detective Anderson say. "Thank you so much for agreeing."

Charlie Swan nodded. "When I heard about the circumstances, I couldn't say no."

"We'll be keeping in touch with her at regular intervals," informed Detective Manning. "We've also put a wire tap on your telephones and a tracking device on her car."

"Do you have any questions for us, Chief Swan?"

He shook his head. "Not any I can think of right now."

"Okay, well if you do just ask Bella. She has our contact information."

"Will do."

The detectives turned to me. "We'll be back in a few days to see how you're adjusting," Detective Anderson told me.

I nodded.

"And remember, just give us a call if you need anything," reminded Detective Manning.

"I will."

They both shook my hand. Then they turned to shake Charlie's hand. "Stay safe."

"We will," he promised.

The detectives got into their car and sped off into the distance, leaving me with my new foster father.

"So," he began awkwardly. "I guess this is going to be your new home for a while."

I nodded.

"Do…do you need help unpacking?"

I shook my head.

"Uh, okay…well if you need anything just call me. I'll just—I'll just be in the living room. And uh, try not to go outside without telling me first."

I nodded again.

When he was gone, I began my ascent up the narrow wooden staircase. The upper floor was very dim, illuminated only by a lone light bulb in the middle of the hallway. There were no windows and even if there were, they wouldn't have made a difference. The sky outside was blanketed with steel gray clouds, refusing to let the sunshine so much as peek through. It effectively mirrored my outlook on my current situation.

I got to my room and took a look around. It was modestly furnished with a desk, a bed, and a rocking chair. The boxes and suitcases sat innocently at the foot of my bed, waiting to be opened and emptied of their contents. I found it a little sad that I managed to fit my entire existence in three boxes and two suitcases.

By the time I was finished unpacking the boxes, the room looked semi-lived in. It looked nothing like my old room in Phoenix, which was what I was going for. It was bad enough that I had brought everything that reminded me of my past life—reminiscing was the very last thing I wanted right now.

I was almost through with hanging my clothes in my closet when I heard a soft knock on the door. "Bella?" Charlie's muffled voice asked from the other side of the door. "I ordered pizza. Would you like some?"

"Yeah," I called in a voice, hoarse from disuse. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Yeah. I'll be down there in a moment."

I made a quick detour to the bathroom to wash my hands before I descended the stairs and into the kitchen. Charlie was pulling silverware out of the cabinets and setting them around the pizza box sitting in the middle of the table. "I didn't know what toppings you liked, so I got everything. I hope that's all right."

I shrugged. "That's fine."

We ate in silence. I knew that Charlie was trying to find something to talk about, but I didn't feel particularly willing to help him. It struck me that he was probably used to a taciturn existence and I didn't really want to change that for him. Besides, there wasn't much to talk about. From the sounds coming from the television and the tacky singing fish on the wall, he loved sports and fishing, pastimes in which I did not share an interest. Needless to say, I was fine with not talking. In fact, it was preferable to the less silent alternative.

When we finished eating, I took our plates and started to wash them as he cleared the table. "Oh, uh, Bella?" began Charlie rather nervously as he wiped down the table. "I just wanted to let you know I'm a snorer and a really heavy sleeper. I hope that doesn't bother you."

I shook my head, but kept my eyes on the sudsy plates in my hands. "No, it won't. I'm prone to night terrors and I scream in my sleep."

His reaction must have been surprised and uncomfortable; I wasn't exactly sure because I refused to look up from the sink, but after a lengthy pause, he replied with, "Oh. Okay." Then I heard his footsteps get progressively softer as he walked away.

When I was finished with the dishes, I wiped my hands and retired to my room to finish putting my clothes away. The work was finished quickly and I was left with nothing else to do. So I pulled my window blinds wide open, turned off my lights, and dragged the rocking chair next to the window. I curled up on the worn cushions and stared out into the cloudy night with my chin on my knees.

My body was exhausted; I hadn't slept well at all for the past three months, but I was reluctant to close my eyes. I knew the moment they did, the nightmares would descend.

Sometimes, I just wished Alan Vickers would kill me already. I didn't see any reason in living anymore; everything of importance was taken from me that fateful night three months ago. I could find no escape from the emptiness: I didn't have anyone to talk to, I didn't have any hobbies to lose myself in and my favorite pastimes had lost their entertainment value for me. And sleep was no longer an option. I was reduced to nothing more than an empty shell, left to reclaim a shattered lifestyle.

Julia Andrews, Detectives Manning and Anderson…they all worked so hard to keep me alive. And Charlie was risking a lot to take me in. I felt so grateful to them, more than I could ever express for protecting me. But I often felt unworthy of their concern. Their efforts were wasted on me, because I certainly didn't deserve it.

I wasn't sure how long I stayed there, staring out the window. It must have been quite a while because when I finally pulled myself from my deep musings, I heard Charlie snoring across the hall in the other room.

Unfortunately and completely against my will, sleep began to take me as well. I struggled against my heavy eyelids, but my body overruled my scared subconscious and drifted into a very deep slumber.

Raindrops served as the soundtrack of the dream. The rhythmic beats echoed through the room as each drop of water fell from the sky. I could feel the ripples vibrate in my skin, setting my heartbeat in a similar pattern. My breathing came out harsh and ragged as air filled my lungs and dragged out again. I couldn't see anything in that dark, but I could feel it. I felt the dread pouring down on me with each drop.

"Bella," my mother whispered fearfully. She was suddenly crouching right next to me in that dark, tiny space. The rain continued to beat on my skin. "Whatever you do, do not make a sound. Do you understand me? Just close your eyes and your ears and the first chance you get, run."

"But—"

"No buts!" she insisted. "Run as fast as you can and don't look back. Here." I felt cold hands force my trembling fingers open and she pushed something small and hard in the palm of my hand. "Take my cell phone. I'll call you when it's safe."

But we both knew she wouldn't call.

Suddenly her hands around mine were much larger and warmer. The rain beat down harder.

"Bella…Isabella," a throaty voice whispered. I felt hot breath on my wet skin and I shivered at the unpleasant sensation. "There you are. I've missed you."

My hand tightened around the cell phone only to feel it disappear in my palm. My fingers closed around empty air and his hands were suddenly surrounding my face. "So beautiful…so smooth and soft…" the voice continued. "I wonder…"

Suddenly a pair of chapped lips found mine as rough skin grated against my cheeks. A tongue forced its way into my mouth and it searched around, marking every part it could reach as its own.

"You're mine," he whispered when he finally pulled away. Then he dropped my face.

I felt a sharp blow to the stomach and I cried out in pain.

"That's right," the voice laughed. "Let me hear you scream."

His fist connected with my cheek and I felt the bones shatter with the force of the hit. Tears streamed down my eyes and my throat burned with the muffled scream that desperately tried to escape. Rough hands found their way to the zipper of my jeans.

"Scream, baby. Scream for me."

"Please, stop!" I shouted. I was soaked, shivering, and in pain. Why wouldn't he stop?

His hands gripped the top of my shoulders and threw me into the ground. I fell on my shoulder and I felt the bone pop out of the socket. I yelled in agony, but the pain didn't go away.

Then he yanked me by the hair and whispered in my ear, "You're mine. Forever."

"NO!"

My eyes flew open and the dream quickly dissolved. The rocking chair continued to sway gently from the force of my sudden movement, which helped calm my erratic heartbeat. My breaths became less ragged and eventually slowed to a steady pattern.

When I was calm, I realized that the snoring in the other room had faltered. With a sigh, I realized that I had woken Charlie. I would have to find a way to soundproof this room. I didn't want to wake him up in the middle of the night for something as silly as a nightmare.

I glanced over at the clock. The red digital numbers said it was one o'clock in the morning and I had no desire to go back to sleep, so I curled back in the chair and continued to stare out the window. I found that after staring at one point for a long time, my mind would drift and I would find a point of complete numbness. I felt nothing: no pain, no joy, no anger…nothing.

At six o'clock, my alarm clock screeched, knocking me out of my numbed state. Slowly, carefully, I uncurled my stiff limbs and walked to my bedside table to stop the incessant nagging. Then I began the arduous process of getting ready for school.

For the past three months, routine had been my friend. Routine ensured I didn't have to remember anything. I could just concentrate on my actions, my movements and never have to think once about the things that mattered the most. I thought through everything I did that morning: I removed my clothes, I turned on the water, I squeezed a handful of shampoo and washed my hair. Each scrub was careful, each stroke was calculated. I absorbed myself in everything to avoid everything else. It was an extension of my numbed state.

When I was dressed, I slowly walked down the stairs to the kitchen for breakfast. Charlie was already there, sitting at the table and chewing thoughtfully on a mouthful of Cheerios.

My presence startled him. He wasn't used to company so early in the morning. "Oh, uh…good morning, Bella."

"Good morning," I said quietly.

"I don't have very much breakfast food," he admitted. "All I've got is Cheerios. I hope you don't mind."

I shook my head. "I don't." I reached into the cabinets and pulled out a bowl and poured my breakfast. They were bland and flavorless and they were perfect for so early in the morning.

"Are you excited for school?" he asked when I sat down.

I shrugged.

"You shouldn't worry about the kids," he continued, grasping at the subject to dispel the awkward silence. "They're really nice. They're friendly and they don't get into trouble, not like kids from the cities. Not that I'm saying that all kids in the cities get in trouble," he quickly amended, remembering that I came from a city. "They're just regular kids."

I nodded.

"So you'll probably make friends real fast."

I truly doubted that.

Charlie waited for me to finish my meal before he left. We both departed the driveway at the same time and he waved goodbye before he sped off in the distance. He took his duty very seriously, and I felt guilty at my apathetic attitude to my own survival.

With a sigh, I stuck the key into the ignition of the used truck the state had given me and turned. My hand held the directions to the school, though they consisted only of two sentences. It must not have been very far, which disconcerted me. I was used to having to drive everywhere.

In less than ten minutes I had pulled into the school parking lot. I wasn't even completely sure it could be called a school; it just looked like a conglomeration of mismatched buildings. But once I found the main office, everything fell into place. The parking lot surrounded it, so I found a parking spot as close to the building as I could to avoid walking in the rain for too long.

The interior of the main office building was warm and comforting, a sharp contrast to the weather outside. The room was filled with desks, telephones, and potted plants. As if there wasn't enough greenery outside.

"Hello, miss?" a plump woman behind the main counter called to me. She wore a pink t-shirt that clashed with her frizzy red hair, but her face bore a comforting smile. "May I help you?"

I walked closer to the main counter. I had to stand on my tiptoes to see over the mass of disorganized papers on the flat surface. "I'm Isabella Dw—Swan. I'm new."

"Oh, yes!" the receptionist cried as recognition flashed in her eyes. "We've been expecting you." Then she started searching through a teetering pile of loose paper and pulled out several sheets. "Here we have your schedule, a map of the school and a slip for all of your teachers to sign, so please return that at the end of the day. I highlighted the quickest routes to your classes. If you still have trouble, don't hesitate to ask one of your fellow classmates. They'll be happy to help."

I nodded. "Thank you," I said as I took the papers from her. I folded the papers and stuffed them in my pocket. Then I exited the building.

Remember that your last name is Swan now, I mentally chided myself as I swiftly walked through the rain. Swan…you are a Swan.

When I was safely under the nearest overhang, I pulled out my schedule and map to find my first class. Trigonometry…well, that would distract me nicely.

The morning passed in a numb haze. Charlie and the receptionist were right; my fellow classmates were willing to help me in any way they could, even though I never asked for their assistance. The males especially seemed eager to lend a helping hand to a building that was adjacent to the one I was leaving. I hoped they realized that I was in no mood to form attachments with them. If they were looking for any sort of romantic involvement, they had best look elsewhere.

They even tried to get me at lunch. Mike Newton, one of my new acquaintances, insisted that I sit with him and his friends, but I shook my head. After I paid for my lunch, I strode to the far end of the cafeteria and sat at the table closest to the window. Here, I finally found a reprieve from my sudden claustrophobic existence. The moment I got to Forks, I was surrounded by people. I could never find a moment to simply be alone, not even in the moments I had in Charlie's house. The walls were much too thin to have a moment truly to myself. And though I was in a roomful of boisterous teenagers, I at least had a moment where no one was paying attention to me.

Suddenly, my skin crawled—it was a sensation felt only when someone was watching me. I looked up from my sandwich and scanned the crowded cafeteria. My eyes finally landed on a pair of black, fathomless eyes. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. Quickly, I turned away and brought my knees up to my chest in that tiny chair. That moment had brought the memories back; they came rushing in an overwhelming deluge and the festering hole in my chest ripped wide open. I clutched my sides in desperation, as if trying to physically keep myself together. The pain of it all was just too unbearable.

My skin crawled again and pangs started to beat against me. My heart pounded in my chest and my limbs began to shake. I forced my eyes closed and pressed my forehead against my knees, but it wouldn't go away. This gnawing, aching, terrified feeling continued to tear at my insides, ripping what was left of my heart to shreds.

I remained in that position until the numbed feeling slowly began to course through me once again. When the hole inside me stopped throbbing, I released my legs and let them fall to the ground. Lucky for me, the bell rang at that moment. Without another thought, I stood and threw away my hardly-touched lunch and strode out of the cafeteria before my overly-friendly classmates could insist on walking me to my next class.

Biology wasn't so far away; I reached the building with two minutes to spare. Mr. Banner's desk was right in front of the door, so I approached him and handed him my slip. He signed it without ceremony, glanced quickly at the room and pointed me to the empty spot in the middle.

When he handed my slip back, I approached the empty stool and took a seat. Soon after I settled, I saw a pale white hand in the corner of my eye and I looked up.

Sitting directly next to me was the most beautiful, most magnificent specimen of a male I had ever laid eyes on. His features seemed to be chiseled into the most unblemished of white marble by the angels themselves and his hair was the color of the Phoenix sky when the sun set. But his eyes were the same fathomless black pits I had caught staring at me during lunch.

When we saw each other, our faces froze. His expression quickly morphed into one of horror and contempt, while mine merely shut down. I could feel the hole start to throb once more.

No, I thought desperately to myself, not again. Not again.

The bell rang and I turned my attention to the front where Mr. Banner was beginning the lecture. I knew his eyes were still on me; the goose bumps on my skin tingled and my lungs constricted. My breaths were harsh and ragged as I struggled to get enough oxygen.

Finally, it was too much. I leapt to my feet. "Mr. Banner," I rasped desperately, "I don't feel well. May I go to the nurse's office?"

He blinked once in confusion, then nodded. "Yes, Miss Swan. Be sure to get the homework assignment from a classmate."

I nodded, then quickly gathered my things and left the room. I didn't glance back once at the living god who sat next to me. I just wanted to get away from those eyes.

For once, I welcomed the constant cold and moisture. It settled against my overheated face and helped to settle my raging insides. The hole in my chest still ached, so I slowly walked to the main office building with my arms wrapped around myself.

When I finally got to the main building, the receptionist from this morning looked up with a confused expression on her face. "Miss Swan? Are you alright?"

"I need to visit the nurse," I whispered quietly. "Where is she?"

She pointed to the door on her right and I strode in quickly.

The nurse looked up and gasped when she saw me. I must have looked absolutely terrible because she immediately stood and led me to the nearest chair. "My dear, are you all right?"

"No," I immediately replied.

"What happened?"

"I can't breathe," I rasped. My lungs were still constricted.

The nurse immediately handed me a brown paper bag and instructed me to hold the opening over my mouth and breathe in and out as deeply as I could. I did as she told me and my breathing slowed and steadied. When my heart stopped pounding, I realized to my horror that I had been crying. The traitorous tears streamed down my cheeks and I quickly wiped them away before anyone else could see them.

"Miss Swan?" asked the nurse tentatively. "How do you feel now?"

My breathing had slowed, but my chest still ached in pain. "Terribly," I replied quietly.

She nodded sympathetically. "I think you should go home and get some rest. You must have suffered a panic attack. Poor dear, it's only your first day here. It will get better." She gave me a reassuring smile and walked to her desk to write me a pass. When she was finished, she gave it to me to give to the receptionist. I stood to leave and gave her my thanks and she in turn offered her hopes that I get better soon.

I left the nurse's office and handed the receptionist the pass and the slip my teachers were supposed to sign. The woman glanced down at it and clucked sympathetically. "Okay. I'll just keep this slip and tomorrow morning you can come here to get it so Coach Clapp can sign. I hope you feel better."

That was an impossibility, but I smiled briefly before turning to leave. No need to divulge the gory details.

When I got back to Charlie's house, I despaired to realize that I was alone. I needed something to do, something to occupy my time until Charlie came back. I couldn't just sit still, otherwise I would dwell on this empty feeling and I would completely break down. Breaking down was not an option at this point.

Finally, I decided to cook. Charlie didn't seem to be much of a homebody and the cabinets and refrigerator were empty of any food that wasn't instant macaroni. So I found a jar of cash labeled "Food Money", got into the car and drove to the nearest grocery store.

When I got back, the house was still empty, so I unpacked the bags and began on dinner. As I waited for the potatoes to bake, I sat at the kitchen table and did my homework. Aside from trigonometry, it did little to occupy my mind and I found myself thinking about forbidden topics and remembering things I had worked so hard to suppress.

Around five o'clock, Charlie came back. "Bella?" he called. He found me in the kitchen.

"I went to the grocery store and started dinner," I informed him as I started to put away my homework. "I used the money in the cabinet. I hope you don't mind."

He quickly wiped the bewildered look off his face. "Uh, no, I don't mind. Smells good…what are you making?"

"Steak and potatoes," I replied.

He nodded in appreciation. "Thanks." He must have felt awkward standing there, so he grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and went into the living room.

Cooking was an effective distraction; I hadn't been able to cook for three months, so I didn't know how much refuge it could give me. Hopefully my food was good enough to let me keep this up.

Twenty minutes later, dinner was served. Charlie warily took a bite, but his suspicious expression immediately cleared up with the first bite. "This is really good, Bella."

I nodded. "Thank you."

"I wouldn't mind turning over the kitchen to you while you're here. That is, if you want to keep cooking."

"That's fine."

The rest of dinner was quiet, but it wasn't the kind of awkward silence that seemed to invade most of our meals. It was a contented silence, without expectation.

"So how was school today? Did you make any friends?"

I shrugged.

When he realized that this was the most I was going to give him, he went back to his meal. I washed the dishes after we finished eating and we each retreated to our corners of the house: Charlie to his living room and me to my room.

I finished the rest of my homework and looked around desperately for something to distract me. Finding nothing, I turned off the lights and curled up in the worn cushions of the rocking chair. I stared out the window once again and quickly found that point, that state where I felt nothing.

I suppose I should have felt grateful; people went to great lengths to numb themselves. Some people spent small fortunes on stupor-inducing drugs, some people found comfort in bottles of bitter alcohol. Some people even sliced their wrists open just to escape the realities of their existence. All I had to do was think about what I was doing and stare out a window to reach that state.

Perhaps it had to do with the fact that I was never really mentally in synch with anyone. I felt like my mind was always on a different plane with everyone else. I could never relate to anyone, not even those closest to me. And there I sat, staring at the endless dark, devoid of all emotion—just as I wanted.

A/N - Please review!