Was it You?

Over the next week, I found that my days were beginning to hold equal parts of pain and joy. The joy was mostly due to Edward's presence; the moment I opened the door and saw him waiting for me an intense happiness rose within me, completely overshadowing the agony that had played such a prevalent role in my life up until now.

Edward's family was also a contributing factor to my increasing contentment. Despite Emmett's intimidating appearance, he was really just an overgrown teddy bear; he always found a way to make me chuckle no matter what the situation and often at Edward's expense. I had a feeling that Edward would have been a lot more sensitive about his brother's jokes if they hadn't made me laugh. With Alice, there was too much infectious energy radiating from her tiny body to be sad or lethargic. She had the ability to make me grin with a single word. And of course, it was impossible to feel upset at all around Jasper; he was always a soothing presence. Rosalie's friendship was a comfort as well, now that I knew her better. She was always there to give me an encouraging smile whenever I needed it.

The siblings weren't the only ones that comforted. Whenever I visited the Cullen home, Carlisle would give me a free physical and Esme loved any excuse she had to fuss over my general health.

Of course, I never could completely escape the unhappiness; it was something that I couldn't change and its intensity had not decreased by any means. I felt it the most at night, before I curled up in Edward's lap and fell asleep. My dreams were still nightmares more often than not, but at least I didn't scream myself awake anymore.

And Alan Vickers' voice still resounded through my mind, an inescapable presence. Every time Edward murmured in my ear that he loved me, Alan echoed the same sentiment with that terrifying, throaty whisper.

Dr. Levsky managed to find an apartment close to Forks soon after his last visit. I went to his place for a session the Friday night before the dance. Edward was there too, though the good doctor had no idea.

"So, Bella," he began as he settled into the ottoman next to the couch, "do you have any weekend plans?"

"Uh, yeah," I said, tugging on the ends of my sleeves. I still felt uncomfortable talking to him. "I'm going to a school dance tomorrow with some friends."

He smiled. "That's good. Are you excited?"

I shrugged. "Kind of?" My answer sounded more like a question than a statement of fact.

Dr. Levsky laughed, totally oblivious to different set of musical chuckles coming from the closet in the hallway. "It sounds like you're not exactly sure."

"I'm not," I admitted sheepishly. "I'm excited because I'm going with Edward, but I'm not very graceful."

"Oh, so you're worried about the dancing part."

My mouth pulled down in a frown. "How did you know?"

He laughed again. "I may be old, Bella, but I remember my adolescence rather well for my age."

I smiled a little. "And I'm sort of worried about my dress. I went shopping with Alice, Edward's sister, because she insisted on it and I found this dress that I'm not sure looks very good on me."

"Are you very close with Alice?"

I nodded. "I'm actually pretty close to his family. Dr. Cullen was my doctor while I was in the hospital here and Esme, his wife, always insists on feeding me whenever I go over to his house. And he's got four siblings that go to school with me. They're all very kind."

"I assume they know about your circumstances as well."

I felt a little sheepish. My secret wasn't so secret anymore. "Yeah, but they won't tell anyone. They've been looking out for me, too."

"Don't look so guilty, Bella," he said with a smile. "It's a good thing that you're reaching out to people. But I have to ask; what changed your mind about them? I was under the impression that you weren't looking for friends."

I shrugged. "I wasn't, but they were like Edward was; they didn't give up on me. They all took me under their wings. Especially Rosalie."

"How so?"

I looked down at the coffee table and stared at the grains in the wood. I couldn't look Dr. Levsky in the eye when I told him this part. "I never told her—in fact, I never told anyone—but she knew anyway. She knew what really happened to me because she went through the same thing."

There was a short silence as he absorbed my words. "You mean she was raped too?"

I flinched at the word. "Yeah," I finally answered. "She was."

"She told you about it? How did that change your perspective?"

I thought carefully about my words before answering his question. "Well, it made it easier to talk to her and be around her. At first I thought she hated me, but it turned out she didn't. And in a way, it made it easier to talk about what happened in general."

"Why?"

I shrugged. "I don't know…I guess it's because it felt better to know that there's someone who's gone through it and now she's stronger. Rosalie's one of the strongest people I've ever met. It sort of gives me hope."

He thought a little bit before he asked his next question. "Why don't you tell me a little bit about it?"

My muscles stiffened at his words. I knew that I would eventually have to do this—I had agreed to testify, after all—but it still didn't change the fact that I wanted to jump up and run away at the thought.

"We'll start slowly," Dr. Levsky said gently. "What happened after Alan found you and your mother?"

My hand was wrapped around my arm and my thumb lightly traced the faint scar on my forearm. "My mother tried to fight him off."

"Then what happened?"

"She…she wasn't…"

All of the images came rushing back. I managed to escape them for three months and now they had caught up to me. They ripped at me with a vengeance. "She wasn't dressed."

Dr. Levsky didn't say anything for a moment. "Do you think she was raped, too?"

I hadn't realized that tears had fallen until I felt something wet fall on my hand. "Yeah," I said hoarsely. "When she was fighting him off, she kept shouting, 'Not my daughter, you bastard!' And she had this wild look in her eye." I swallowed around the lump that had formed in my throat. "If she were capable of it, she might have killed him."

"What happened after that?"

My gaze wandered all over the bare room. One moment I was looking at the table, the next I was looking at the ottoman. My knees wouldn't stop bouncing and I didn't have the energy to stop them. "I launched myself at him and told her to run."

"What were you thinking at that moment?"

I shook my head hard, as if trying to dislodge the images that continued to bombard me. "My mother was already covered in bruises and Alan was so much stronger than she was. If it were your mother, what would you have thought?"

More silence. I hated the silence; I wanted him to say something, anything. I wanted him to distract me from the roaring memories in my head.

"What do you think about that now?"

I jerkily wiped away the moisture on my cheek and turned to face the wall. "That I failed. I failed her."

"Why?"

It wasn't said as an accusation, but it felt like a finger jabbing me in the stomach. It felt like a realization of guilt.

"Because it didn't work. Because she died anyway. Because that…that bastard ended up getting what he wanted after all."

"No he didn't, Bella," he said gently.

"Yes he did," I whispered through clenched teeth. "He did. He got what he wanted; he ruined me. That was what he wanted all along. And I just fell into his plan. I was such an idiot. I did exactly what he knew I would do." My burning fists shook in my lap. I wanted to get up and throw them into something. I wanted to feel something break in my hands.

Another pregnant silence permeated the atmosphere. "Are you angry at him or yourself?"

I couldn't help it…the irony in that simple question was too much. A laugh escaped my lips, and then another. My whole body was shaking with hysterical giggles and I couldn't stop. Part of me was frightened—the situation was hardly funny—but there was no stopping it. The tears started to flow faster, but I wasn't sure if it was because I was laughing so hard or because of the overwhelming emotions.

Dr. Levsky waited for me to finish. The uncontrollable, slaphappy laughter gave way to huge, racking sobs that tore through my chest. My lungs were trying desperately to breathe around the pain, but they couldn't. "I'm angry at the both of us."

Dr. Levsky's eyes were so indescribably sad at that moment. It felt like I was looking at my own reflection. "Bella…you don't have to hold yourself accountable for this."

"Yes I do," I wept. "I wasn't strong enough to save my mother, so now I have to face the consequences. This is all my fault."

"No, Bella," he said fervently. "You know that's not true."

So presumptuous. "Do I?"

He set aside the notebook he had in his lap and leaned forward to stare me in the eyes. "Bella, you said that you didn't have the strength to save your mother. Let's assume that's true. Is that why you're trying to shoulder your pain on your own? Because you're trying to make up for your lack of strength?"

His words were like a scalpel straight in my chest. It relentlessly twisted and twisted, mangling my lungs, my heart, and ripping that hole wide open in the process.

But he kept going. "You're punishing yourself because you weren't strong enough. And you think the only way to build up emotional strength is to bear this terrible burden all on your own."

I shook my head, but it was really no use. He was right, and the gnawing, aching feeling inside of me was proof. It wouldn't hurt this much if it wasn't true.

"You don't have to do this. You shouldn't have to do this."

It was no use. "I'm trying," I insisted hoarsely, trying to still my trembling fingers. "But I can't…I'm just…no matter what I do, I'm not strong enough. I wasn't strong enough to save my mother and I'm not strong enough to face this."

"What do you mean by that? How are you not strong enough to face this?"

"I have to rely on Edward. I have to rely on you. I can't just make these stupid memories go away on my own. I can't fight him off and each time I try he gets stronger and stronger." My tears were flowing so fast and the sobs in my chest were ripping themselves out of my chest that my words were hardly understandable.

But Dr. Levsky seemed to understand me anyway. "So you think that by relying on others, you're showing weakness? Weakness isn't such a terrible thing. People like Edward and his family and Charlie and the detectives all want to help you. Just let them."

"I can't do this to them! I can't…I won't let others suffer like this! No one should have to go through this! No one!"

"But you're the only exception?"

That one sentence stopped me short and I realized with frustration that I didn't have anything to say in reply.

"Look, Bella," he began in a very paternal tone, "I've seen and heard a lot of things. I've talked to a lot of women who went through the same thing you did. But you are the only one I have ever met that doesn't want to talk about the trauma not just because of reliving the pain, but also because of the pain it would cause others. The fact that you still have such compassion after what has happened to you shows that you have so much strength.

"I realize that you no longer feel human, that you've lost everything that makes you who you are. But you haven't. You've stubbornly held onto your compassion for others, to save them from what you're going through. You're still you, can't you see? You haven't fallen off the edge of humanity yet."

Something peculiar happened. As his words sunk into my brain the cracks in my chest started to mend. My breathing slowly eased and the involuntary shaking began to subside.

A memory from before the incident floated to the surface of my mind. I was sixteen years old, and I came home from a quick trip to the ER (one of many in my adolescence) that I hadn't told my family about until they saw the stitches on my leg. Naturally, my mother was frightened out of her wits and she scolded me for hours. But later that night, she started talking to Dad about how worried she was.

"I swear, that girl!" she cried, banging the dishes against the sink as she scrubbed them. "Is she trying to give me an ulcer? Doesn't she know how much I worry?"

"Of course she does," Dad replied in a soothing voice. "That's why she didn't tell you. She knew you'd worry and she wanted to ease your mind. It's how she shows her love."

Mom huffed. "She's always trying to be so independent."

"No, not independent. Just less of a burden. She hides her pain so people won't get hurt with her."

There was a prolonged silence. Then I heard my mother sniffling.

Dad continued. "She's so compassionate. Ever since she was young, she's been taking care of herself and of others. That's just who she is, dear."

Mom's voice was shaky with her tears. "I know…but I just wish that she'd let herself get taken care of every now and then."

My chest welled with emotion. And for the very first time in three months, I let myself cry. I didn't bother to restrain my sobs, and I didn't once think of the fact that Dr. Levsky was witnessing my breakdown. I just let it all out. And I let Dr. Levsky and an invisible Edward see my pain.

Later that night, I found myself waiting nervously in Alice's room, sheathed in the deep violet silk of my dress, every inch of my body powdered and buffed. The two sisters declared that I was absolutely perfect and that Edward would drop dead at the sight of me (figuratively, of course), but I wasn't so sure.

Fifteen minutes before the dance started, the smallest Cullen sister pushed me down the winding staircase of their home to meet her brother waiting for me at the entrance. I concentrated on each step I took; I had to if I was to ensure that I stay upright. Alice had decided on the spur-of-the-moment to dress me in a pair of ridiculously high-heeled stilettos. As if I didn't have enough trouble with gravity.

I looked up when I finally made it to the base of the staircase. The moment I did, my eyes locked onto Edward's figure.

He stood next to the door of his home in a pair of crisply pressed black dress pants that hung just right on his slim hips. His torso was covered by a long-sleeved, royal blue button down shirt that managed to accentuate his straight, broad shoulders and the length of his muscled arms. A gold silk tie, the same shade of his eyes, hung from around his neck, emphasizing the long line of his body.

In short, he was breathtaking.

Equal parts of ecstasy and despair welled up inside of me. On the one hand, I was overjoyed that I was going to the dance with someone so beautiful. But on the other hand, how could I possibly compare to that level of perfection?

I finally brought my eyes to Edward's face and the floor suddenly became very shaky. His eyes, his perpetually intense eyes were suddenly burning in a way that made my heart pound so hard, it practically broke through my ribcage.

"You look amazing," I told him in a shaky voice. It was so hard to believe that he was real.

"You stole the words right out of my mouth," he said in reply, his voice thrumming with the same intensity that shone in his orbs.

"Are you two finished ogling each other, or can we leave yet?" demanded a sardonic voice behind me.

I jumped out of my trance and turned around. Alice was swathed in a pale pink, spaghetti strap dress that sparkled in the light. On anyone else, it would have looked plain, but on Alice, it looked spectacular. Her normally spiky black hair was smoothed carefully around her head and her inhumanly lovely face with its delicate features completed the picture of a petite fairy. However, her expression was currently twisted into one of impatience.

"We're going to be late if the two of you don't get moving," she pointed out tersely. Moments later, Jasper appeared behind her dressed similarly to Edward, but with black pants and a light, rose colored shirt, the exact same shade of Alice's dress. His tie was black with pink, diagonal stripes.

Emmett walked in from the direction of the living room. His huge, muscled frame was covered in black from head to toe; the only reprieve from the darkness of his ensemble was the slender white tie hanging from around his collar. The moment the huge Cullen brother spotted Jasper, he started snickering.

"Wow, Jazz. Next you're going to be asking for a unicorn for Christmas."

Jasper shot his brother a deadly look. "Haven't you heard, Emmett? Real men wear pink."

I wanted to point out the obvious: that he technically wasn't a real man. However, the glare he was sending Emmett wasn't something I wanted to experience, so I kept my mouth shut.

"Can we leave now?" Rosalie demanded impatiently as she flew down the stairs. My heart immediately sank at the sight of her. She was dressed in a floor length, black gown, slinky and sensual. It was strapless and the bodice was cinched in such a way that it emphasized her incredibly narrow waist and hugged tightly around her hips. And there was a slit on the side that ran all the way up her thigh, giving a hint of the well sculpted, pale leg underneath the skirt.

"Yes," Edward said. Then he laid his cold hand on the small of my back and led me gently out the front door and to the sleek, black car that sat in the drive.

A thought occurred to me as I climbed into the car, careful not to twist my ankle in my ridiculously high heel. Edward's shirt was the exact same shade as my dress. We matched, just like Alice and Jasper, Rose and Emmett. "Did Alice dress you too?" I asked.

He chuckled. "Of course. She was the one who knew the color of your dress. There was no way she would have let go to the dance if we didn't match."

So it probably wasn't Jasper's idea to wear pink. "Huh. Poor Jasper. I guess he doesn't like pink after all."

He chuckled again. "I'm very partial to that shade of blue against your skin, though," he said very softly.

I blushed. There was no use telling Edward the same thing because just about anything looked good on him.

The drive was a short one. I had learned very quickly that Edward and his entire family had a penchant for speeding. It terrified me at first and it still continued to freak me out, but I tried to suppress the fear.

We arrived at the dance a couple of minutes late. Already there was a long, winding line leading out of the gym, filled with people waiting to get past the administration and into the party.

Edward and I took our place in line, followed closely by Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett. The moment we did, though, all eyes were turned on us.

For the most part, the stares were ones of admiration. I could understand it when the girls' eyes glazed over when they saw the company I kept, and I could also understand their looks of anger and jealousy when their eyes turned to me. Edward must have noticed this too (or maybe he just heard their undoubtedly murderous thoughts), because the arm that was around my waist tightened and he pulled me closer against him.

"Don't worry about them," he whispered in my ear. "They don't matter tonight."

I nodded, but I wasn't as certain as he was. The uneasy feeling their glares sent me, coupled with the pit of fear in my stomach, was too difficult to ignore.

Once we got into the gym, Edward took my hand and led me onto the lit dance floor. The speakers blared a generic, fast-paced pop song, but we didn't pay attention to the rhythm. We dictated our own beat, softer and gentler than the others gyrating around us. And as I stared into the deep gold of his eyes, everything else started to fade away.

It was so easy to believe that we were alone in the middle of that crowded gym, gazing into each other's faces as if we would disappear at any moment. I drank him in like the desert sand in the middle of a rainstorm. He was an undeserved blessing in my dark and unhappy existence and while I knew that I shouldn't have him, I couldn't help but hold onto him as tightly as I could.

"What are you thinking?" he asked in a low voice, too low for any bystander to hear.

"I was just wishing that I could stay like this with you for the rest of my life," I answered.

His arms around my waist pulled me tighter against him. I couldn't breathe properly, but I wasn't complaining. "Well that's a good thing," he replied, "because I didn't plan on releasing you."

I smiled widely. "That's fine by me."

He grinned as well, with one corner of his mouth pulling up higher than the other in an uneven smile that never failed to send my heart racing. "I'm glad." And he tilted his face forward slowly so his lips could touch mine.

We stayed like that for a very long time, swaying to our own rhythm in the middle of a crowd of noisy teenagers, paying them mind as we kissed deeply into the night. All that mattered in that moment was Edward; all the rest of it fell away.

When he finally pulled away he chuckled at the bright red that spread across my cheeks. I ducked my head into his shoulders and he buried his face in the hair piled up on my head.

Halfway through the dance Edward pulled away slightly to smile into my eyes. "I'm rather proud of you at this moment."

I frowned in puzzlement. "Why?"

"Because you haven't once tripped on your heels tonight."

I rolled my eyes but smiled at the same time. "Well part of the reason is that you haven't let me go long enough to let me trip."

He scoffed. "I was trying to give you a compliment."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you very much."

"You're welcome."

All too soon the dance ended and the gym lights turned on. Several couples jumped apart the moment the darkness disappeared, but Edward and I didn't. We stayed pressed against each other, oblivious to the fact that the music ended and that people were gathering their things and leaving.

Twenty minutes later, the only ones left in the room were the student council members cleaning up and the rest of the Cullen family, waiting for Edward and me to realize that everyone had already gone home. Emmett eventually got tired of waiting and cleared his throat rather loudly.

"Are you guys planning on going home any time soon?" he demanded.

Edward ripped his gaze away from me, the first time since he first saw me this evening and scowled at his huge brother. "Have I ever interrupted you and Rosalie?"

He snickered. "No, but only because you were too afraid of what would have happened."

Edward scoffed, but didn't say anything. He just turned to me and asked, "Are you ready to leave?"

I nodded. He took my hand securely in his and led me carefully out of the gym (I was determined to keep it an accident-free night) and to his car.

When we got to Charlie's house, we staged a long goodbye for my guardian's benefit. Then he drove his car back to his house while I fielded Charlie's questions as quickly as I could. The moment he lost interest in my evening, I dashed up the stairs as fast as I could without tripping on my stilettos and got ready for bed.

By the time my nighttime routine was already completed, Edward was sitting in my rocking chair with the afghan draped over his beautiful body. He too had changed from his stunning semi-formal attire to a simple sweater that still managed to look spectacular against his pale, devastatingly handsome face. Shyly, but still with great excitement, I crossed the room and climbed into his lap, cuddling into his chest as he wrapped the afghan snugly around me. As I drifted to sleep, I thought vaguely of the progress I made with Dr. Levsky and I realized that the hole in my chest had healed ever so slightly.

A/N - Sorry I haven't had the chance to update lately. School started a few weeks ago and it's been kicking my ass ever since.

If you'd like to see a sneak peek and/or you'd like more my personal interpretation of this chapter, please visit my writer's blog! It's listed as my website on my profile.

And as always, reviews are much, uber, very, intensely, awesomely appreciated. If any of you have a question, I will be happy to answer them!