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Chapter 2.
A couple of months later, Sawyer was still having issues. He couldn't get the fact that he'd killed someone, again, out of his head.
It had been different with Duckett, somehow. There'd still been guilt, and pain, and that feeling of being unworthy of anything good, of somehow being less than human. But he'd planned that one. He'd thought it over obsessively; what to say, what to do. His whole life had been leading up to that moment, that one event that would erase all the wrong doings that he had done and had been done to him. It was supposed to be the turning point. Life was supposed to be good after it.
It was the wrong person. In a way, it made it easier to deal with it. He was still in his 'bad person' stage. The life changing event hadn't happened yet. It was still to come; and now it would counteract this event on the balance sheet of his life, along with all the others. He still had a chance.
And then it happened, right when he wasn't expecting it. That was what worried him the most; the fact that he'd snapped. Instead of cleansing his soul and setting him on the path he should have been on all along, he found it was like looking in a mirror for the first time. He saw who he really was, and he despised himself. He was afraid. There was no guarantee he wouldn't do it again. He wasn't a safe person to be around.
Kate had been good to him. She realised now what was going on, and he knew she understood what it was like. She was trying to support him, but at the same time she had her own issues to deal with. So it was easy for Sawyer to avoid her.
He disappeared into the jungle regularly. He wanted to be alone, to think about everything. He liked to wallow in his guilt and self-pity. He often wondered why he got such satisfaction out of feeling miserable, but he never thought too hard about it.
One particular day as he sat on his own, remembering the weight of those chains in his hands, Locke appeared. Sawyer was stunned. He hadn't seen him since that day. He stood up, speechless. Locke stood, as though he was waiting for Sawyer to make the first move. He didn't have to wait long for Sawyer to find his voice again.
"Where the Hell have you been?" he spat out, fuming.
Locke remained calm. "With the Others. Like I told you before."
"What are you doing with them? We have Ben. They ain't got a leader anymore. What exactly do you think you're gonna get out of it?" Sawyer demanded to know, pacing. Seeing Locke again was making it all the easier to conjure up the images of that day. Another reason to hate him.
Locke ignored his question. "I came here today to thank you for killing Cooper," he said, stunning Sawyer even more.
He stopped pacing, and stared at the man. He could barely comprehend what he'd just heard.
"Why did you want him dead so bad?"
Locke rubbed a hand over his head, considering the question. He sat down, indicating for Sawyer to do the same. He ignored the gesture.
Locke began. "He conned me. Not for money, the way he usually did. He wanted my kidney. I never knew him growing up. He waited til he got sick before he decided to meet me."
Locke paused for a moment, clearly growing angry at the memory. "He made me think he cared. It was my idea to donate the kidney. When I woke up from the surgery, he was already gone.
"I became obsessed. I followed him around, sat outside his house for hours. Eventually someone came to me. He was conning someone else. He never stopped. I confronted him, and he threw me out a window. I was paralysed until I came here."
Locke paused again. "He deserved to die," he mused.
"So why didn't you kill him?" Sawyer asked, his voice menacing. Why couldn't he have just done it himself?
"I told you. I'm not a murderer," Locke said. Seeing Sawyer's obvious anger at his response, he elaborated.
"I knew you wanted revenge. I knew about the letter. You made it your life's mission to kill that man. Now you've done it. I thought you'd be grateful by now."
"What do you mean, 'by now'?" Sawyer asked, trying to wrap his head around what he was hearing.
"Once the shock wore off. It's been a few months; I thought you'd have moved on by now."
"Oh yeah? And how am I supposed to move on from killing someone?" Sawyer asked. Although there wasn't a trace of it in his voice, he really wanted to know.
Locke sighed, perhaps sensing that this was going to be harder than he thought. "What are you feeling right now, James? Guilt? Regret? Disappointment? You thought everything would be okay after you killed Sawyer. But now you have, and things are worse. You think you're a bad person. You want people to hate you, so they won't want to be around you. You think you're protecting them from you by staying away."
Sawyer didn't move. He was both annoyed and amazed that Locke knew what he was feeling.
"You're not a bad person. People who are bad, truly evil, like him, don't feel guilty. They don't regret what they did. They're the ones who're a danger to everyone around them. The ones who feel guilt are safe to be with. The guilt will stop them from doing anything like it again.
"You had a reason to kill him. Maybe when you stepped into the brig you didn't plan on killing him, but you've been planning it since you were eight years old. It wasn't random."
With that, Locke left, just as suddenly as he'd arrived. Sawyer could only stare after him.
After a few minutes, he sat down again. He felt as though a huge weight was gone. Even though it had taken a long time to process, everything Locke had said made sense.
He felt relieved that someone other than Kate had understood. That someone other than her believed he could be good. It made it seem like it could be true.
He knew he'd still feel guilty about killing Sawyer. He'd probably never feel entirely guilt free again. But he realised now, he couldn't let it consume him. He had to accept it, and move on.
This would be his turning point. It wasn't like he'd planned, but he was going to make it happen. He had Kate. It was the start of a good life.
Following his discussion with Locke, Sawyer began to act more like himself again. It was slow going, but things were returning to normal.
With the normality came a sense of guilt about how he'd been acting, especially towards Kate. It occurred to him that he should have been paying more attention to her, rather than leaving her on her own, pregnant with his child.
So he apologised to her. It was an unusual event; they weren't in the habit of saying 'sorry' to one another. It had never really felt necessary before. This was different.
Kate, to her credit, didn't make a big deal out of his unusual act. Sawyer was glad about that. She simply accepted his apology and moved on.
Later, they sat side by side staring out at the ocean, enjoying each other's company. It was only then that Kate brought up the topic of why he'd been so distant.
"How are you coping with things?"
For once, Sawyer decided to answer her question honestly, first go.
"I'm dealing with it. Might take awhile. But it's getting better."
Sawyer could tell Kate was relieved by his answer.
"How are you coping?" he asked her.
"I'm scared." she replied simply, not looking at him. He waited a moment for her to elaborate. She didn't.
"Has Juliet said anything else?" he asked, not wanting to push her, but needing to find out more.
She looked at him. "She's taking me to the medical station tomorrow for an ultrasound."
Sawyer looked back at her, wondering if he should ask, or if she would offer. After a few seconds of uncertainty, Kate looked away. Sawyer took that as his answer.
"Can I come?" he asked, hoping she'd say yes.
To his relief, she did.
The next day, Sawyer found himself in a strange hatch, looking around at his surroundings while Kate and Juliet were getting ready for the ultrasound. Unsure of where Kate wanted him, he stood against a wall, out of the way.
Just before Juliet was about to begin, Kate suddenly turned her head, seeking him out.
"Are you coming?" she asked, looking at him curiously. Feeling awkward, he went over to her, opting to stand beside the bed she was lying on.
He had no idea what was going on. Juliet didn't offer any explanation about what she was doing or why she was doing it. Sawyer just watched her move the paddle across Kate's abdomen. Occasionally he glanced at Kate's face, trying to figure out what she was thinking. A couple of times he saw her grimace, and he wondered if it was hurting her.
After awhile, Juliet paused and pointed at the screen in front of them. "There it is," she said.
Sawyer peered at the screen. There was definitely something there. He could see it. A kind of small blob.
"It's still only small," Juliet continued. "But it looks good. Everything's going well so far."
Sawyer was barely listening to her. He kept staring at the image on the screen. It was hard to believe it was a baby, and that it was currently living and growing inside Kate. Tearing his eyes away from the screen, he glanced down at her to see how she was taking it all in.
She seemed unfazed by it all. Sawyer supposed she was a little more used to the idea than he was.
"It's a lot bigger than it was last time." Kate said, sounding somehow detached.
"Well, they grow pretty quickly." replied Juliet. "Last time we did an ultrasound it was about the size of a peanut." she added, looking at Sawyer, perhaps sensing that he wanted to be included. He stared at the image again, absorbing that new bit of information.
Juliet turned off the machine. Sawyer watched the image disappear from the screen. He couldn't get it out of his mind, though. Even as they cleared up and headed back to camp his mind kept drifting back to that little image.
A few short weeks late, Kate and Sawyer sat outside their tent, arguing. No one passing them paid any attention; it was a fairly common occurrence. They seemed to love nothing more than to debate things, teasing each other over their opinions, refusing to see the other's point of view. Most of the time it was meaningless, a way to pass the time. Today, there was some substance behind the disagreement.
"Will you stop calling the baby Peanut?" Kate said, exasperated. Sawyer seemed offended at the thought.
"Why? There's nothing wrong with the name." he replied, smirking, knowing it would stir her up even more.
"It's not a name, Sawyer. It's a food." Kate knew it was pointless arguing, but the name was really starting to annoy her.
"You heard what Juliet said. Right now, it's the size of a peanut. It makes sense to call it that."
"It is not! Were you even listening? You saw it, it was a lot bigger than a peanut then, and it'll be even bigger now. And in a few more weeks it'll be the size of a mango. Are you going to start calling it Mango then?" Sawyer seemed to consider the idea, causing Kate to instantly regret suggesting it.
"Sounds like a good idea to me, Freckles." he replied, teasing her. Kate rolled her eyes and turned away, attempting to hide her smile.
"Well, if you don't like Peanut, what else should we call it?" he asked.
Kate continued to stare at the ocean. It took her a few moments to answer. "It feels strange calling it anything. It doesn't feel real." she said wistfully. "I've seen the ultrasounds; I've had all the check ups with Juliet, all the questions and information, but I still can't wrap my head around the idea that there's something living inside me."
"Not something, Freckles, someone. A little human being called Peanut."
Kate shook her head, trying to hide a smile. "We're not calling it Peanut."
Sawyer grinned; glad she'd taken the bait and relaxed a little. "Not even until we think of something else?"
Kate glared at him. "Not even - " she broke off suddenly, frowning. Putting a hand on her belly, she seemed to be concentrating on something.
Sawyer was instantly alarmed. "What? What is it?" he said anxiously, ready to run for help if he had to.
"It's nothing. It's just... I can feel it moving." she said, sounding amazed.
"Are you sure?" Sawyer asked, wanting to be certain nothing was wrong.
"Yeah. I'm okay," she added, seeing his worry. "I just can't believe it." She looked at Sawyer, her expression a mixture of fear and excitement.
Sawyer smiled and moved to sit beside her. Reaching an arm around her shoulders, he pulled her close to him while placing his free hand on her stomach, gently rubbing small circles. She leaned against him silently, lost in her wonder.
"Does it feel real now?" Sawyer asked quietly. Kate nodded in response, still staring vaguely off into the distance.
"So, what do you think about the name Peanut?" he asked. The slap on the arm he received as an answer came as no surprise.
tbc.
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