Chapter 4.
Everything was happening as though it was in a dream. Time no longer made sense, it drifted meaninglessly, speeding up then slowing down. Kate was in another world, unable to connect to anyone around her. Everything was distorted. It was eerie, though she was slightly glad for it. As long as it felt like some horrible nightmare, she could delude herself into thinking she would wake up.
She barely heard the celebrations of her friends when a helicopter landed on the beach. She felt nothing as she was shuttled aboard. As she was flown over the ocean, back to the longed-for ship, she stared wistfully back at the island, her paradise. Only Sawyer's presence by her side kept her tethered to reality. She had the sense that if he was to leave her, she'd float away into nothingness. With that thought, she felt an urge to laugh. She held it in, wanting to keep it to herself. It was her secret; her only weapon for what she knew was to come. They couldn't hold her while she felt like this. No one could.
As they neared the ship, dread started to creep in again. She knew there'd be someone waiting for her. Another marshal, ready to put her back in chains. It would be as though nothing had happened these past months. She'd be back where she was, only instead of a plane she'd be bound aboard a ship. But she'd done the right thing. It was her mantra, her prayer. Those words, the syllables strung together with even tone and steady pacing were the beats of her metronome. They steadied her.
The helicopter landed. Sawyer was still with her as they stepped onto the ship, their portal back to the world. Then he was gone.
A stranger had taken his place. She felt the usual motions. Her hands going behind her back. The cuffs on her wrists. The words she'd heard before. She ignored all of it. She focussed on everyone else. They stared at her, and she stared back.
What were they thinking? Would they worry about her? Would they fight for her? From their expressions, she wasn't getting that impression. She didn't know what they were thinking.
She felt exposed. She hadn't expected that. They already knew she was a criminal. They'd known for a long time. Yet they were looking at her just as they had on the day Sawyer had outed her, as though no time had passed.
Sawyer. He was staring at her too. She avoided his eyes. This ship, this situation, changed everything. No one was who there had been only minutes ago. She was a criminal again. Everyone else had a higher moral standing again. They were able to look down on her again. And Sawyer would go back to who he had been, too. He would leave her and not look back. Everyone would leave her.
As she was led away from the people she had considered her friends, she finally started to wake up. The nightmare was her reality. She was alone.
Her body craved rest, but her mind refused to yield. She kept seeing their faces. She'd never felt so betrayed. After all this time, after everything they'd been through together, she'd expected sympathy. Caring. Worry. Anything but the staring accusations, the silent wondering, the disbelief that they'd actually lived alongside a monster for so long.
She couldn't help thinking about how unfair it all was. She didn't deserve this. She'd already served her sentence, what more did they want from her? Surely if the punishment came before the crime, then the crime couldn't be considered legitimate.
He was still ruining her life, from far beyond the grave. Because of him, she'd been forced to live the last few years of her life on the run. Because of him she'd been unable to form attachments, just in case those people figured out who she was. Because of him, she wasn't with her mother when she died. And because of him, she would spend the rest of her life in prison.
Now he'd ruined two more lives. Sawyer's, and their child's. Her stomach was in knots as she imagined their future together, a future she could have no part of. She couldn't go to jail. It would kill her. If the baby survived, if by some miracle she survived this pregnancy, she would run. It was the only option for her. She couldn't leave her fate in the hands of others.
At that moment, alone with only her unborn child for company, it was the hardest decision Kate had ever made. She felt the baby move inside her, as though objecting to her plan. Yet Kate was resolved. Silently apologising, she felt it would be the best for all of them.
Once the baby was born (she tried very hard not to think 'if'), she would leave. She wouldn't tell Sawyer yet. For now, it was best if he didn't know.
Sawyer sat alone, cradling his drink. Following his forced separation from Kate he'd blindly followed his fellow castaways to this area. Evidently, the ship's crew had decided a celebration was in order. He wanted no part of it.
Kate had considered these people her friends. Yet here they were, drinking and laughing, not sparing a single thought for her misery. Or his. He was glad they weren't paying attention to him, though. He didn't want their pity. He didn't want to have to focus any energy on what they were saying or thinking. He had to focus on Kate.
She'd been so distant. He doubted she'd even remember anything about this moment. Nothing good, anyway. It would just be another journey to another prison.
He knew she was thinking of running again. The idea was ingrained in her. Sometimes he wondered if she ever considered alternatives. If she ever realised there was a choice.
Then again, it was usually a choice between imprisonment and some degree of freedom. The alternative to being on the run was being in prison. He knew how that felt, and he found he couldn't blame her for what she'd done.
This time though, she'd be running from him as well. He'd never thought of himself as much, but for some reason he'd hoped that Kate considered him to be worth staying for.
He hoped she wouldn't leave too soon, too suddenly. He wanted a chance to change her mind.
Glancing around the room again, he suddenly grew annoyed at the people surrounding him. He hated the way they'd all stared at her. He thought of her reaction to them, and hated them even more. They'd made a bad situation so much worse. He'd thought maybe Jack would have done something. He'd expected it, he realised grudgingly. But Jack had been too caught up in his own problems to help someone else.
Sun would have done something. At that thought, Sawyer glanced over at Jin. He was sitting on his own, just like Sawyer, looking as miserable as he felt. Sawyer watched for a moment, then turned away. He was determined to focus on Kate, and Kate alone.
He hoped she was holding on. He hoped she was okay, that the baby was okay. The stress of the situation couldn't be good for them. He wished he could be with her. He hated the thought of her being alone, with nothing to distract her.
He wondered if he'd done the right thing, convincing her to leave the island. He'd thought he had, but her look on her face... He felt like he'd single-handedly delivered her into her worst nightmare.
She was better off alive, he remaindered himself. No matter what the conditions, life had to be better than death. He needed her alive, he thought selfishly. She was the only person who understood him. Hopefully, she'd realise she could have a life with him. They still had a chance, however small.
Nothing in life was certain. They both knew that better than anyone else. They couldn't be certain that she'd go to jail. He couldn't be certain that she'd run. Even her death was no longer a certainty. Juliet had said that her chances would be better if she left the island. It was possible that things would turn out okay for them. It was a glimmer of hope.
With the thought of Juliet came a sudden surge of sympathy for Jack. At least he knew where Kate was, and that she was alive. He couldn't imagine what the other man must be feeling.
Just as Sawyer was thinking he could sit and wallow in his thoughts forever, Hurley appeared beside him. He ignored him, hoping he'd leave. He didn't.
"She's gonna be okay, man," Hurley said.
Even though it was what Sawyer wanted to believe, he hated that someone could say it so flippantly.
"What would you know?" he snapped. Hurley didn't seem bothered by the tone.
"I know what she did. And I'm gonna help her," he replied, piquing Sawyer's interest.
"And how exactly are you gonna do that?"
Hurley fidgeted for a minute in response, intriguing Sawyer. He'd never considered Hurley to have some deep, dark secret. Not seriously, anyway.
"I'm... kinda rich," he said slowly, avoiding Sawyer's eyes. "I'm gonna get her a lawyer, help her fight this thing."
"What makes you think she'll accept your money?" Sawyer scoffed.
"You'll have to help me convince her," Hurley replied, seriously.
"Why would we need your money, anyway? Everyone's talking about some kind of settlement from Oceanic."
"This could go on for awhile. It could be ages before we see any kind of payout. And Kate's gonna need a lawyer straight away. Not to mention how long her court case will go for, with all the appeals. You don't want to end up bankrupt before it's over." Hurley smiled. "The kid's gonna need a roof over its head. Then there's the cost of school and health insurance and..."
"Okay, I get your point," Sawyer interrupted him, irritably. Why hadn't he thought of any of this stuff? Why was Hurley better prepared for their child's future than he was?
He stalled, not wanting to accept the man's offer. He didn't want to be indebted to him. It was his responsibility to take care of his family, after all.
"Why do you want to do this so bad? Don't you have better things to spend your money on? Hell, I'm sure I could think of a few things," he said, aiming for a casual tone.
"Kate's my friend. I want to help her. And dude, you gotta admit, she needs all the help she can get."
Sawyer sighed, the truth of that statement stinging a little more than he would have liked. Finally, he looked Hurley in the eye.
"Okay. How are we going to do this?"
tbc.