Chapter 5.
A minute ago, she'd been exhausted. She'd felt like if someone gave her the option of sleeping for a hundred years, she'd take it. She'd been in the worst pain in her life; more excruciating than she'd ever imagined possible.
Not anymore. Now her mind was flooded by a huge sense of accomplishment, and she felt nothing more than an overwhelming desire to finally see her newborn baby. She'd been waiting so long to meet her, and now that she was here she didn't think she could wait a second longer.
She was aware of Sawyer moving beside her, but she didn't pay him any attention. She didn't have to look at him to know that he had a grin on his face to match hers, or that he had tears in his eyes like she did. The baby was here, she was crying, and she needed Kate, and that was all that mattered.
After what seemed like an eternity, the infant was placed in her mother's arms. Kate didn't know whether to laugh or cry, and so ended up doing a bit of both. Sawyer had an arm around her instantly, looking over her shoulder to see their baby girl. In that second, the euphoria of the previous moments passed, replaced by an almost surreal sense of belonging, of tranquillity.
"Oh," Kate sighed, feeling so overwhelmed she could barely breathe. She stared at her daughter, tracing her nose and her chin with one hand, stroking the downy hair on her head. She was perfect.
"What do you think, Freckles?" Sawyer said softly, the room having become quiet. Kate tore her eyes away from her baby for a moment and glanced up at him. She'd never seen him look the way he did now. He seemed utterly astonished. Glancing back down, she examined the baby for a moment, considering his question.
"She's so beautiful," she said, barely able to believe this was happening. Sawyer smiled proudly, obviously, though silently, agreeing.
After several more minutes of quiet adoration, Kate noticed Sawyer's hand was hovering near the baby, though he hadn't made any move to touch her yet. She looked up at him again, seeing slight trepidation on his face.
"What's wrong?" she asked, frowning.
"Nothing," he replied, unconvincingly. Seeing Kate's look, he spoke again.
"She's so tiny."
Realisation dawned on Kate. Smiling at Sawyer once more, she said, "You can touch her, you know. She won't break."
She thought Sawyer wasn't quite so sure of that; nevertheless, after a few more moments he tentatively stroked his daughter's hand. Her fingers uncurled at the contact, wrapping around Sawyer's much larger one. Kate watched his reaction closely, and decided that this was what it looked like when someone was in the process of falling head over heels in love. From that moment, she knew he'd never be able to deny his little girl anything.
"Do you want to hold her?" she asked, already knowing what the answer was. He nodded, unable to speak. Very slowly and with great care, the baby was transferred from her mother's arms to her father's. Kate lay back against her pillows, watching the two most important people in her life, thinking she wanted to freeze the image and hold onto it forever.
She'd never been happier.
It wasn't long before visitors began arriving to greet the new baby. Hurley was the first, surprising no one. He'd been a regular visitor to the Ford-Austen household ever since the recue, and had become a close friend of the family.
He burst through the door, barely containing his glee, carrying bunches of balloons and flowers and a teddy bear, all of enormous proportions. Sawyer had never been so happy to see him. He'd been looking forward to showing of his daughter for the last few hours, and he was thrilled that the moment had finally arrived. One look at Kate confirmed she was thinking the same thing.
"Congratulations!" Hurley whispered loudly, his eyes quickly seeking out the baby in Kate's arms.
"She's awake, you don't have to whisper," Sawyer said, obviously appreciating the gesture nonetheless.
"What did you do, buy out the gift store?" asked Kate in amazement as Hurley moved closer to her, attempting to deposit his many gifts on the bed side table.
"I wanted to get her a present," Hurley replied, shrugging.
Sawyer picked up the bear, examining it closely. Hurley noticed.
"There's no price tag on it, so don't bother looking," Sawyer pretended to ignore Hurley's accusation.
"It's about ten times her size. The thing'll probably give her nightmares. She'll be terrified of bears her whole life," he said in horror, clearly imagining the worst possible impact anything could have on his little girl. He glanced over at Kate to see if she shared in his fear.
With one look, he ascertained that she thought he was being slightly over protective, and that he should try harder not to hurt Hurley's feelings. He sighed.
"At least it's not a polar bear," he conceded.
"Thank you Hurley," interrupted Kate, shooting a glare at Sawyer. "I'm sure she'll love it."
"I know it's a little big," admitted Hurley. "I got her a couple of smaller ones too, to play with until she's big enough for that one. And some books, and some of those cds for babies. They're meant to stimulate the brain or something, I don't know. Oh, and -"
"Hurley, that's really sweet, but you don't have to buy all that stuff," Kate interrupted again. "You already bought us a house, even though we told you we didn't need you to."
Hurley sighed. "Look guys, we've been over this. I bought the house before we knew how much the Oceanic settlement would be worth. I don't want you to pay me back, because I don't need the money. And now you don't have to worry about bail and lawyers' fees and college for the baby and insurance and all that stuff."
"We would have managed on our own," said Sawyer defensively.
"Well, now you don't have to worry about it. And I told you I want to do good things with my money. I want to help people," Hurley continued. Sawyer couldn't argue that point. Hurley certainly had put a lot of his fortune into helping people since he'd gotten back, friends and family as well as strangers. What he and Kate appreciated the most was that he never made it feel like charity. He was simply a person who insisted on regularly buying people very expensive gifts.
"And if you're worried about me spoiling the baby or playing favourites or whatever, don't okay? I bought Aaron this awesome train set the other day that he can actually ride around in." Hurley finished.
Kate and Sawyer realised there was no point trying to argue with him. "Alright, just don't go overboard, okay? We don't want her growing up thinking Uncle Hurley is only around to give her everything she wants," Kate said.
Hurley seemed a little stunned. "Uncle Hurley?" he repeated.
Kate grinned at his reaction. Sawyer just scoffed. "Well, it's not like she's got any real uncles."
Hurley responded by crushing Sawyer in a bear hug. After releasing him, he turned to Kate, giving her a much gentler hug.
"Do you want to hold her?" asked Kate once he'd let her go. Hurley just nodded, apparently having momentarily lost his ability to speak. His voice quickly came back once the baby had been settled in his arms.
"Hey there, kid. I'm your Uncle Hurley. Do you have a real name now, or do I have to keep calling you Peanut?"
Sawyer and Kate glanced at one anther. After a moment, Sawyer spoke. "We haven't decided on a name yet," he said carefully, settling himself on the bed beside Kate.
Hurley saw right through his words. "You mean you haven't been able to agree on a name yet," he stated slyly, know very well how many arguments this topic had sparked over the last few months.
Neither answered him.
"That okay. Peanut's a cute nickname for a cute little girl," Hurley cooed to the baby. Sawyer instantly puffed up with pride at the compliment.
"She's gorgeous, isn't she? Six pounds twelve ounces, 20 inches of perfection. And she's gonna be beautiful when she grows up. She's gonna look just like her momma."
"What if she looks like you?" said Kate
"She won't, she's gonna look like you. She's already got your nose." Sawyer replied as though it was obvious.
"No she doesn't, she's got your nose," Kate insisted. Sawyer didn't see it, and was about to deny it, but stopped himself. She'd just given birth, after all. He figured she deserved to win all their arguments for a couple of years at least after that effort.
"Hmm, I suppose you're right," he agreed. Kate looked at him suspiciously, but didn't say anything. He realised she probably knew what he was thinking, and it wouldn't be long before she made things go back to the way they were.
"So, was everything...okay? You know, with the birth?" Hurley asked tentatively.
"Everything was fine," replied Kate. Hurley looked like he didn't quite believe her, so she elaborated. "It wasn't exactly fun, but there were no dramas."
"Kate was amazing," added Sawyer, putting an arm around her, his pride taking over his features once more. She smiled and leaned against him, yawning. Both men noticed.
"I guess I should leave you guys to it," Hurley said, handing the baby to Sawyer. With one last hug for Kate, Hurley went on his way, leaving the family on their own once more.
Not long after Hurley left, Kate fell asleep. Sawyer now had the baby all to himself for awhile, and he decided to use those precious moments wisely.
Lifting the baby out of her crib, he settled into a chair with her. He stared at her, trying to figure out who she was. Who did she look like? What would she be like when she was older? What name should they give her?
No matter what Kate had said to the contrary, he was convinced the baby had her nose. He imagined it would be covered in freckles one day. There was nothing else about her that Sawyer felt he could attribute to either Kate or himself. Maybe she'd turn out to be a perfect blend of the two.
Personality-wise, he had a feeling this little angel would grow up to have a devilish streak in her. He hoped she would. He had a feeling he'd eventually grow to regret that wish one day, but for now he saw nothing wrong with a bit of mischief, a little rebellion here and there.
He had no idea about what to name her. He hoped Kate had some ideas, because he could only think of her as Peanut. And he had a feeling that wouldn't go down too well as an "official" name.
"What are we going to call you, Peanut?" he asked the newborn quietly. She moved at the sound of his voice, turning towards him. It seemed to him that she recognized the nickname. The feelings that grew in him at the motion overwhelmed him.
He thought back to those months on the island, back to when he'd first found out Kate was pregnant. It seemed so long ago now. He was a different person.
All his doubts were gone. He'd thought he'd be a bad father. He'd thought he didn't deserve anything good. He'd thought he'd screw everything up. He'd thought Kate and the baby would be better off without him.
He couldn't believe he'd ever thought that way. Looking down at the baby in his arms, he realised he never wanted to leave her. He couldn't imagine not watching her grow up. He hated the very thought of the idea that someone other than him could raise her. It was his job. No one else could do it.
He wasn't going to be a bad father. All he had to do was love his daughter, and she'd think he was the best dad in the world. It wouldn't be hard for him to do.
He felt almost giddy at the thought of the future.
Just as he was settling back in his chair to gaze in adoration at the baby some more, a knock sounded behind him. He turned toward the door quickly, annoyed, not wanting this visitor to wake Kate or the baby. He was startled by what he saw.
Jack. Only he didn't look the way Sawyer remembered him. He looked incredibly tired, like he hadn't slept since their rescue. His eyes were flitting around the room shiftily, never resting on one spot for too long. As he entered the room and drew closer to Sawyer, he detected the unmistakeable scent of alcohol.
Sawyer stood, feeling somewhat awkward, holding his daughter close. He didn't want Jack near her in this state. He was staring at the baby, the look in his eyes making Sawyer uncomfortable.
"I can't wait to tell Juliet about this."
The first words he'd heard from Jack in months, and they were extremely disconcerting. Maybe it was simply his protective streak shining through, but all of a sudden he wanted Jack as far away from Kate and his daughter as possible.
He placed the baby back in her crib, and with a quick glance to ensure Kate was still sleeping, he moved towards the door, hoping Jack would move with him. He did, though he stopped before leaving the room altogether. Still, it was better than nothing.
"What are you doing here, Jack?" Sawyer asked, hoping he didn't sound too threatening. Whether he was or not, Jack didn't seem to notice.
"Hurley called. Congratulations, man. I just wanted to come and see how Kate was doing, meet the baby."
"They're sleeping. Maybe you should come back another time. I don't want to disturb them," Sawyer said, wishing Jack would take the hint and leave. The slight slurring of his words was doing nothing to reassure him of Jack's currant mental state.
Jack ignored Sawyer, moving further into the room again. Sawyer grabbed him before he got too far.
"Are you drunk?" he asked, deciding he couldn't ignore the topic any longer.
"No!" replied Jack, laughing and shaking his head as though the very idea was ludicrous. Sawyer stared at him. Maybe Jack noticed that he didn't believe him, as he amended his statement.
"All right, I had a couple of drinks. I wanted to celebrate! A new baby, what better excuse?" he said, still chuckling.
With that, Sawyer advanced upon him, forcing Jack back towards the door. Once out in the hallway, he spoke to Jack quietly, barely keeping his anger in check.
"Don't you ever come back here in this state again. You hear me? I'm not gonna let you anywhere near my daughter until I know you're sober."
Not waiting to see Jack's reaction, Sawyer headed back in the room. He went over to the baby's crib and checked in on her, smiling when he saw she was still sleeping. Feeling his anger ebb away, he moved over to where Kate lay slumbering. He sat on the bed beside her and pulled her into his arms, revelling in the feel of her.
He tried to forget about Jack. He tried to ignore the obsessive look he'd had in his eyes as he glanced at the baby. The way he'd spoken of Juliet as though she wasn't being held captive somewhere in a place no one could find. The fact that the once respected doctor had turned up at a hospital drunk. He couldn't forget it. He was worried.
Just what he needed, he thought wryly. Something else to worry about. He decided not to tell Kate about their visitor. Not yet, anyway. She had enough problems without having to think about how Jack was doing.
Settling down with Kate in his arms, he tried not to think about anything but the present. He found it was an impossible task.
Kate was alone with the baby, Sawyer having finally gone home for awhile. She was enjoying having the baby to herself; to stare at her, marvel at her absolute perfection.
She couldn't believe she'd ever imagined things would be different. Already she was having a hard time remembering what life was like before all this. People had told her she'd eventually feel this way, but she'd had no idea it would hit so suddenly.
She'd actually thought there would be something wrong with the baby. Like those genes she was so sure had corrupted her very soul would be passed on to her daughter. That everyone would be able to see it. She'd been wrong.
It was simple genetics. The baby was perfect. She'd gotten everything she had from Kate and James. So that had to mean that there wasn't anything wrong with them, either. They were simply what their lives had made them. Their flaws weren't written into their DNA.
Kate's father had been a bad person. But that hadn't been passed on to her. Kate's basic reasoning, her deepest fear, her motivation for ending a life, was falling apart. It didn't make sense anymore.
Kate could feel a massive wave coming towards her; of guilt, of fear. She braced herself for the impact.
When it hit, she felt like she couldn't breathe. She gave herself over to her tears as sobs wracked her body.
Sawyer entered the room at that moment. He was by her side in an instant, trying to calm her down. She barely noticed his ministrations, simply feeling relieved that he was there to listen to what she needed to say. She couldn't hold it in any longer.
"I'm gonna go to jail. There's no way I'll be let off. I'm guilty. I did it. I don't even know why I did it anymore," she sobbed, letting her emotions break free. "I thought I was making things better, but it's worse. I'm gonna be sent away, and I deserve it, but the baby's going to grow up without me. I won't get to see her. And she'll hate me. God, she's only just been born and I've already ruined her life."
Sawyer didn't say anything while she rambled. Once it had appeared she'd said everything, however, he said what he could to lift her spirits.
"We'll figure it out. We'll figure something out. It'll be okay. Don't worry about it now." He knew it wasn't much, but her crying eased nonetheless. He continued. "And no matter what happens, she's not going to hate you. I'll make sure she doesn't."
"How are you going to do that?" Kate asked wearily.
Sawyer was stumped. "I don't know. I'll think of something. Just don't worry right now, okay?"
"Okay," whispered Kate, sounding exhausted. She let her eyes drift closed again, falling into an uneasy sleep. Sawyer sat watching over her, trying to think of what they would do next. He had no clue.
tbc.