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Chapter 6.
It had only taken a few short weeks, barely even a month, but their lives as they knew them had been dismantled. Every thought and action now revolved around the screaming bundle of joy that was their baby daughter.
They'd expected sleepless nights, days where they questioned whether they had the slightest clue what they were doing. But they'd also expected it to pass. Everyone they'd spoken to said that as the days went by they'd get to know their child, they'd get to know what they were doing, and they'd gain confidence.
It hadn't happened yet. At least, Kate didn't think so. Sure, there'd been a few times when she thought she'd been able to figure out what the infant wanted quickly, given it to her, then settle her down again. A routine had almost developed, and although both parents were exhausted, life had seemed almost normal.
Then the crying picked up again. Nothing they did seemed to make a difference. Neither of them slept, both began to doubt themselves again. Kate thought the only thing keeping either of them sane was the fact that they had each other; to lean on, to moan to.
But after a few days of this chaos, this all changed. Sawyer started leaving the house more and more, disappearing for hours at a time. Kate often snapped at him upon return, reminding him that Peanut was his kid too, and how would he like it if she left him alone with the screaming for a few hours everyday?
It didn't make a difference. He kept leaving, and grew more distant. He barely spoke to her, and it seemed to Kate that he only spent time with their daughter to keep her off his back.
It scared the hell out of her. After all his promises to be there with her, to never leave them, he was doing this. She felt alone. She was barely sleeping, she was starting to think there might be something wrong with her baby, and she needed someone to comfort her. She needed someone to tell her it was normal, that things would get better. She needed him.
Kate was at her wit's end. She paced anxiously around the house, holding the once-again screaming child, hoping she'd calm down. She barely had the energy for it; she felt the only reason she was doing it was because she couldn't handle sitting and doing nothing while her daughter was so distressed. If she could, she'd sleep and just let the baby cry til she wore herself out.
The minute she thought that, she hated herself. Surely a mother shouldn't think that about her own child. A good mother would never think of her child as a burden.
It was the lack of sleep, she reasoned. It was driving her crazy. All she wanted was for someone to take the kid off her hands for a few hours so she could rest. Everything would be better after that; she'd be able to figure out what was going on with Sawyer, why her daughter wouldn't stop crying, she might even be able to catch up on some of the house work that needed doing. But she would never admit to anyone that she couldn't cope.
Finally, the screams died down. Barely able to believe it, Kate settled the baby back in her crib and too tired to do anything else, slid down to the floor beside her. Leaning against the crib, she closed her eyes. It wasn't the best place for a nap, but she didn't care. She'd take sleep wherever and whenever she could.
The silence was broken too soon by the sharp ringing of the telephone. Finding a burst of energy, Kate jumped up and ran to answer it before the ringing woke the baby again.
As she lifted the phone from its cradle, she leaned against the wall. Holding the phone against her chest for a moment she waited for the inevitable crying of a child disturbed, struggling to hold back her own tears of frustration and anxiety. Nothing came. After taking a few more moments to compose herself, she finally lifted the phone to her ear, hoping the person on the other end had gotten tired of waiting and simply hung up.
No such luck. However, Kate found herself glad to hear Claire's voice. Her broad accent always transported her back to the island and right now that was where she wanted to be.
More than anything, she was glad to have someone to talk to who actually understood what she was feeling.
After general chatter about their children (during which time Kate never mentioned the frustration she was feeling), Kate found herself asking how Claire was handling being back in the real world. She was enjoying feeling like her old self again and wanted it to last as long as it could. Experience told her that this topic, more than anything, was one that could have all the Oceanic survivors talking for hours.
"It's been weird since I got back," said Claire. "Thomas is still insisting he wants to be part of Aaron's life, and mine, but I can't help wondering if he's only doing it for the money. He's been around to see us a lot, and he's good with Aaron. But I'm so used to doing it on my own, you know? It's just so much easier that way."
And with that, finally, Kate burst into tears.
Claire was instantly alarmed. "Oh my God, what is it? Are you okay? What happened?"
It took Kate several minutes to calm down enough to speak coherently, but when she did, she finally spilled everything that had been bothering her.
"It's Sawyer. He's been so distant lately, and I don't know if it's because of me, or the baby, or something else. It's like he's never around, and the baby won't stop crying and I don't know what to do and I'm just so tired. I'm scared he's gonna leave. I don't think I can do this alone."
"He won't leave," responded Claire firmly. "You can't think that way. Everything's going to be fine. And I know how scary it is when the baby's crying and nothing you do helps, but it's normal. You're not doing anything wrong."
Kate couldn't help but believe her as she said all this. She was beginning to feel calmer than she had in awhile. Claire understood, so she listened to her.
"It'll get better, I promise. But in the meantime, you need to talk to Sawyer. There's probably a really simple explanation for what's happening with him, and he needs to know how you're feeling too."
"There's never any time to talk," commented Kate hopelessly. "The only time I can do anything is when the baby's asleep, and she never seems to want to do that, so all the other things I have to do have been building up and I don't think I'll ever get them done. I'm supposed to be talking to my lawyer, getting ready for my trial, but even when I am awake enough to be paying attention to what he's saying all I can think about is whether I forgot anything when I went grocery shopping or if I'll have time to do the laundry when I get home or some other thing."
"Again, you need to talk to Sawyer. And you should probably talk to Hurley as well; you know he'll help you out. He was great with Aaron. Why don't you see if he'll watch the baby for a couple of hours so you can get some sleep? You can't take care of her if you're not taking care of yourself."
The simple logic in Claire's statement was almost too much for Kate to handle. She struggled not to start crying again. Everything she said made so much sense.
"In fact," continued Claire, "I'm going to call Hurley myself and ask him to check in on you."
"Claire, you don't have to do that," Kate said wearily.
"Yes, I think I do. You can't do everything yourself, and I know you're too bloody proud to admit it half the time." Kate laughed at the definitive statement. This was the Claire she loved, and missed.
"Thank you," she said quietly. The serenity that had overtaken Kate disappeared with a loud cry from overhead. Quickly saying goodbye to Claire, she hurried up to her daughter's room, feeling anxious once more.
The closer Kate got to the wailing infant, the more her anxiety grew. By the time she reached her and lifted her into her arms, she felt like she could barely breathe. She sank into the armchair holding the baby close to her, trying to relax and willing her daughter to do the same.
Thankfully, this particular bout of crying didn't last as long as some previous episodes had, and the baby was soon asleep once more. Kate felt almost afraid to move, certain that if she did she'd break the spell and the crying would start again. At the same time, there were things to do, and she knew she couldn't sit there forever.
Slowly, carefully, she stood up and returned the baby to her crib. So far, so good. She tiptoed out of the room, gently closed the door behind her, and quietly made her way downstairs.
Near the bottom of the stairs she ran into Sawyer, and almost fell the rest of the way down. Luckily, he caught her, though the collision didn't occur silently and for a moment both froze, waiting to see if they'd disturbed the little sleeping beauty above them. Seconds passed without a sound. Feeling it was safe to move again, Sawyer helped Kate back to her feet. In return, Kate grabbed Sawyer's wrist and dragged him into the living room.
"Where have you been?" she asked accusingly.
"Nowhere," he answered, looking at the floor.
The answer infuriated Kate. "What the hell is going on with you?" she demanded to know.
Sawyer pulled away from her, moving over to the couch. Feeling sure this was his way of avoiding the question, Kate was surprised when he motioned for her to join him.
Once she was seated opposite him, he started talking.
"Today's the anniversary," he said. "The day my parents died," he added, seeing her confusion.
As realisation dawned on Kate, she was selfishly relieved. All the worry of the last few days, the fear, had been for nothing. She was so glad she was wrong.
Sawyer didn't seem to register her reaction. He continued talking, starring into the distance. What long vanished images he was seeing, Kate could only imagine.
"This is the first year I haven't gone to their graves. When I was a kid I used to go all the time. Then I became Sawyer. It... it didn't feel right anymore. I wasn't their son, I didn't belong there.
"For months I stayed away, and it didn't bother me. Their birthdays, my birthday, Christmas; none of it mattered. Then the anniversary came along, and I couldn't stay away. I tried to.
"Since then I've gone back every year. It's the one day a year when I'm James, not Sawyer."
"You thinking about him?" Kate asked softly, not wanting to push him.
He nodded. "I don't know what they'd think of me." He sounded lost and confused, struggling to make sense of things.
"I killed him. Would they understand why I did it? Would they hate me for it? Would they be glad it's over? I don't..." he trailed off, his eyes bright, looking anywhere but at Kate.
Kate reached over to touch his arm, wanting to draw him back to her. "They'd never hate you."
"How do you know?" he asked, sounding like he wanted to believe her, but couldn't.
"Could you ever hate your child?" she asked him, smiling. He shook his head, tension leaving his body. He leaned back against the couch, at ease now.
"My mom would have loved to have met Peanut," he said fondly. "She was always saying she wished she had a little girl. She used to say there were too many men in the house, that we needed to even it out. I'd always say I'd rather have a brother, just to annoy her."
Kate smiled at the image. "Did you mean it?" she asked.
Sawyer shrugged. "Sort of. I was the only kid on my street who was an only child. I was always jealous of the other kids. They always had someone to play with. I think I would have preferred a brother, but a sister would have been better than nothing."
Kate knew exactly how he felt. She'd always wished for a sibling, just so she wouldn't be alone when her parents were fighting.
"There were times when it was a bigger deal than usual," he mused. "I was about six I think, and she was asking me how I'd like having a baby sister. She was asking my opinion on names, and she was talking about going through my old baby things. They talked about moving house, too.
"It didn't mean anything to me at the time. I mean, they never came out and told me anything. And nothing happened. We stayed where we were, and eventually they stopped talking about babies."He paused. Kate was trying not to cry, having a pretty good idea where this was going.
"I don't know for sure what happened. And I don't really want to find out now. But I remember there was one day when I wondered what changed. I thought they'd changed their minds because I kept pretending I didn't want a sister. So I went to them, and I told my momma that if I had a sister, I'd call her Summer." His voice was tight now, choked with memories.
"My daddy stormed out of the house. My momma picked me up and sat me in her lap. She cried a lot. I didn't understand why. I thought it was something I'd done. None of us mentioned it again."
Kate moved over til she was sitting right beside him, craving his touch. He leaned against her. She was glad to be able to comfort him; so often lately it had been the other way around.
"You should go and see them," she murmured into his hair. "Don't wait for the next anniversary."
"Will you come with me?" he asked, hesitant.
"Of course," she reassured him.
Silence fell between them. Kate had almost drifted off to sleep when Sawyer spoke again.
"The baby asleep?" he asked.
"Yes," Kate mumbled in response. Quietness again. Again, Kate's eyes drifted closed. Sleep was so close.
A small nudge in the arm. "You asleep?"
Kate groaned loudly in frustration. She opened her eyes again just long enough to glare at Sawyer. As she closed them yet again, hoping that a sense of peacefulness would last long enough for her to get some rest, she felt Sawyer get up. She ignored him.
Her eyes snapped open in alarm as she felt herself being lifted off the couch.
"What are you doing?" she half-shrieked as Sawyer started to carry her towards the stairs.
"You're not sleeping on the couch. Now quit squirming! I don't wanna drop you."
Kate wrapped her arms tightly around Sawyer's neck and tried to relax. She didn't fully manage it until he'd lowered her gently onto their bed. She had to try not to laugh as he arranged pillows beneath her head and covered her lightly with a blanket. He didn't usually display this degree of caring.
Just as he was finishing his ministrations, a loud cry came from the other room. Kate sighed wearily and started to get up. Before she could move, however, Sawyer seized her shoulders, guiding her back down to the bed.
"I got her. Get some sleep."
Kate wanted to say something in response; a sarcastic comment as to why it was only nowthat he was concerned with the amount of sleep she was getting, or perhaps a heartfelt thanks delivered through much sobbing. She wasn't sure. But all she managed was a deep yawn before he left the room.
She felt a little anxious, lying there listening to her baby cry. She considered getting up and going to her, regardless of what Sawyer had said. But then the crying tapered off, and the feeling disappeared. The baby was alright.
Almost instantly then, Kate fell asleep.
tbc.