Chapter 8.
The morning the trial was to begin, Kate and Sawyer woke up together, both desperately trying to forget, just for a moment, what day it was. Neither had slept well, the tension being too great.
Sawyer stared at Kate. Her back was to him and he had a feeling she was prolonging the moment before she had to face him. He let her. Whatever she needed to get through today, he was willing to give to her.
Minutes ticked past. Sawyer became aware of the fact that they had to get up, get ready. He reached over and put a hand on Kate's shoulder. With that contact, she rolled over and looked at him. Sawyer was shocked at how pale she was, but knew better than to mention it.
"You ready?" he asked, not knowing what else to say. She nodded tensely, obviously fighting to hold back her emotions.
"Why don't you go get the baby up while I make breakfast?" he suggested, sensing some time with her daughter might help. She nodded again. Unsure of what else to do, Sawyer leaned over and kissed her.
The kiss broke Kate out of her trance a little, and she finally managed a small smile. After a couple more moments of lying there, she sighed and got out of bed. Sawyer followed suit. They left the room together, separating when they reached their daughter's room. Leaving Kate, Sawyer continued down to the kitchen.
Time passed too quickly for Sawyer's liking. Before he knew it, breakfast was ready and Kate still hadn't come down. Deciding to see what was taking her so long, he headed back upstairs.
Reaching the baby's room, he glanced in. A slight sense of worry over took him when he saw that it was empty. Moving faster now, he approached his own room. What he saw almost broke his heart.
Kate, lying on the bed with the baby in her arms, silent tears streaming down her face. Perhaps sensing Sawyer's presence, she pulled the little girl closer to her, burying her face in an attempt to hide her tears. The baby looked up at Sawyer, and he thought that she seemed to share her mother's grief.
Moving over to them, Sawyer sat on the edge of the bed. He started rubbing Kate's back, willing her to calm down. Eventually her tears began to subside. She rolled onto her back, looking up at Sawyer. He stroked her cheeks, wiping away tears, before lifting the baby into his arms.
"It's still not too late to run, you know," he said to Kate seriously.
She shook her heading, sniffling. "I have to face it." She reached over to take the baby's hand, examining the lines on her palm. Not looking Sawyer in the face, she added, "I'm so scared I'll never see her again."
With a free arm, Sawyer pulled Kate into a hug, trying not to squash the baby between them. "However it turns out in the end, you're coming home tonight. Don't forget that. This is gonna take awhile, Freckles. Let's just take it one day at a time, okay?"
"Okay," she replied so softly he barely heard it.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you today?" he asked, hoping she'd changed her mind.
"I'm sure," she said firmly. "I don't want her left with strangers."
"Okay then. Let's go down and get some breakfast; we're running out of time. You need to get ready," he replied, determined to get her moving.
"I'm not hungry," she said, not surprising Sawyer.
"You need to eat. I'm not arguing with you today. Let's go." He started to get up, pulling her with him. She gave in. Together, they went down to face the day.
Kate sat in the courtroom, trying very hard to imagine she was somewhere, anywhere, else. She couldn't look around. She couldn't see the other people in the room. She couldn't hear them. This was the place she'd been avoiding. The place symbolised all her fears, her nightmare. It was her life coming to an end. She didn't want to be here.
She vaguely heard opening statements, charges being read out. Her mind flashed back to those moments, those events for which she was now being forced to answer to. She could smell gas, and fire. She'd once rejoiced in the smell. It had meant freedom. Only now did she realise the truth. It wasn't freedom, it was imprisonment. Physical, mental and emotional; the perfect trinity. She'd set her life alight that day. She'd destroyed her future.
Still lost in her memories, she felt herself being pulled to her feet. She could barely stand. This was it. There was no going back from here.
"Not guilty."
It was one of the most difficult moments of her life. She couldn't believe she was doing it. Her hope was disappearing. She didn't see the point of it.
She suppressed the thought as soon as it appeared, and focussed instead on Sawyer, and her daughter. She was doing this for them. She had to fight for them, do whatever she could to end this, to stay with them.
She knew no matter what happened, Sawyer would understand. She couldn't guarantee the same for her daughter, and that was what tormented her the most. Years from now, when her little girl was visiting her Mom in prison, as a teenager, as a young woman, she wanted her to know that she'd tried. That she'd wanted to raise her, to be there for her throughout her life.
She reminded herself not to think about that today. She couldn't dwell on the future, not when it was so bleak. There was no point in reliving the past which had landed her in this situation. She had to focus. She just had to get through today. She'd worry about everything else later.
Sawyer spent the day focussing on his daughter. It was something he enjoyed anyway, but today he had an ulterior motive.
He was trying not to worry about Kate too much. He knew it was natural to do so, but he'd promised her he'd take care of the baby. So if he couldn't be there in court supporting her, he would at least do what she'd asked him to do.
In a way, it made the situation worse. All of his moments with his daughter thus far had been shared with Kate, bar a few. It was impossible for Sawyer now to look at one without picturing the other. So every time he looked at the baby, he thought of Kate. He wondered how she was coping.
He couldn't get used to the idea that she wasn't there. Sure, it had only been a few hours. But there were days of this separation yet to come, most likely years.
He wondered how he would cope without her.
The minute he thought that, he repressed it. He hated that he was so convinced she was going to jail. He hated that he'd actually imagined his future as a single father, that he'd come so close to planning for it.
He felt he had to consider it, though. His daughter's life was at stake. He had to be sure she'd be okay no matter what happened. After all, there was no guarantee he'd be around to raise her, either.
He'd been thinking about his past a lot. While Kate was being called to answer to her crimes, Sawyer couldn't help but consider his. In so many ways, it felt wrong that the law hadn't caught up with him.
He'd killed a man in another country. So far, he'd gotten away with it. In a legal sense, anyway. He'd been punishing himself for it since it happened.
He'd eventually managed to justify his actions in killing Cooper, and he'd largely moved on from it. He couldn't do the same for Duckett. That man shouldn't have died, least of all by his hand.
In a way, he envied Kate for being forced to atone for her sins. He wished he could do the same; wipe his slate clean. Kate knew he felt this way, and she'd made him promise to keep it quiet.
It seemed hypocritical for her to ask this of him, but she'd presented the argument logically. People knew what she'd done, they'd already arrested her. She was going to be punished for it, no matter what.
He couldn't have the same. He had to stay out of jail. Their daughter needed him. No matter how badly he wanted to come clean, he had to do what was right for Peanut. Even if it didn't feel completely right.
In a way, it was his ultimate punishment. He had to live in his head, feel his guilt, and relive his memories. It was torture, and it was his secret. No one else could ever know about it. He was imprisoned in his mind, and he'd been dealt a life sentence. No one could ever inflict worse harm on him than that.
Despite Kate's warnings, however, he prepared for every possible outcome. He spoke to Hurley, made his wishes known, and in doing so ensured that his little girl would always be taken care of, even if he wasn't there to do it.
He just hoped it would never come to that.
Finally, Kate arrived home, and he had something to distract himself from imagining the worst. He went out to meet her, apprehensive. After seeing her that morning, he had some idea of how she'd by now.
He hadn't overestimated. She looked exhausted, moving slowly into his waiting arms without pause. As she leaned into him, he could feel her relaxing, gathering herself together, and gaining strength. He was relieved he was able to do this for her.
"Are you okay?" he asked quietly after a few moments of silence, still holding her close.
"Not really." He barely heard her response. A few more minutes ticked by before he decided it was time to do something.
"Come here," he said, pulling her towards the couch, pleased when she didn't resist. He sat her down, putting her feet up on the coffee table. He was rewarded with a slight smile.
"Don't move, I'll be right back, okay?" She nodded, settling in. Sawyer headed to the doorway, pausing for just a moment before he left, drinking in the sight of her. The day had really been too long.
He went upstairs to the baby's room, and quickly retrieved the sleeping toddler from her crib. He headed back down to Kate, knowing what she needed.
When he returned to the room, he was pleased to see she'd made herself comfortable. Her shoes were gone and she was now sitting with her feet on the couch, leaning against the cushions with her eyes closed. Quietly, he went to sit beside her, placing the baby in her lap.
Both mother and daughter opened their eyes at the renewed contact. Kate smiled fully now, and Sawyer pulled her against him, hugging her. This was how it was supposed to be.
"Hi, Peanut. Did you miss me?" Kate said, holding back tears.
"No," she replied. Sawyer closed his eyes. Why couldn't she have just cooed sweetly, or said one of her other two words?
He was surprised to hear Kate laughing. He opened his eyes again, thinking against reason that maybe this would be okay after all, and was met with the sight of tears running down Kate's face.
"Ah, hell, Freckles, she didn't mean it," he said, desperately wanting to make light of the situation.
Kate just continued laughing through her tears. Sawyer watched her, waiting for her to calm down. His patience disappeared and turned to alarm as he realised she wasn't calming down, that her breathing was becoming erratic, and that fear was now in her eyes.
"Hey, easy. Just breathe. Breathe. You gotta relax, okay?" He tried not to let his panic show as he took the baby back and manoeuvred Kate forward so he could rub her back. Eventually, her breathing slowed down, and she leaned back against him, exhausted once more.
"One day at a time," she whispered.
Now Sawyer had to hold back his emotions. "One day at a time," he agreed, before planting a kiss in her hair. He wondered how many more days like this they could take.
tbc.