Thanks again for the reviews guys! And if anyone is wondering (I know ParisAmy is) yes, Peanut does have a real name, and yes, I will eventually reveal it. Keyword there is "eventually". This chapter's kind of a long one, so you might want to make yourself comfortable before you start reading.
Chapter 11.Kate sat in the passenger seat of the car, staring blindly out the window. It hadn't taken long for her to plan this upcoming meeting with Cassidy, and now she and Sawyer were on their way. She wished, almost, that it had been more difficult. Right up until they left she kept hoping that something would happen to delay the event. But things never did seem to go the way she wished they would.
She hadn't spoken much to Sawyer during their trip. Luckily he was distracted as well; at least she could be grateful that the silence and uneasiness was mutual.
"Tell me again how you knew where to find her?" Sawyer asked suddenly. Kate didn't look at him. She'd already explained it to him what felt to her like a hundred times, but he was still suspicious, apparently. Either that or he was simply looking for a distraction.
"We kept in touch over the years. I wrote to her and asked if I could visit, she said yes. It's not that hard to understand," she replied simply.
"So you were on the run, looking over your shoulder a hundred times a day, and you still had time for a penpal?" he asked incredulously. Kate ignored him.
It had been risky, she knew that. She had no way of knowing that Cassidy wouldn't turn her in. She was putting both of them in danger by trusting her, yet she had to do it. She couldn't really explain why, even to herself, but there was something about the normality of writing a letter to a friend every so often, asking about her child, telling of the place she was currently "visiting", that kept her sane.
If she believed in fate, she would have thought that she'd kept in touch with her because this day was coming; because one day, she would need to know where she was.
"Does she know about us?" Sawyer asked, once again startling Kate. She was growing annoyed by the constant disturbances. She'd never been good at being cooped up for very long, and this was a long drive.
"I don't think so," she answered shortly. It made her think, though. She'd never told Cassidy about Sawyer. At least, she'd never mentioned his name. She'd told her about Peanut, and that she was living with someone she'd met on the island. And there'd been a lot of publicity after the rescue, and with the trial. She wished now she'd paid attention to the press at the time. She wondered just how many details of their lives had gotten out. Maybe Cassidy did know.
It made her dread their upcoming reunion just that little bit more.
"Do you think we should have left Peanut with Hurley, or your Dad?"
Sawyer. Again. Kate sighed loudly in frustration, hoping he'd take the hint this time. Still, she glanced back at her daughter, smiling a little at the way she was zoning out in her car seat. "No, I hate leaving her behind."
That statement brought back memories of That Night for both of them, and the tension in the car thickened. She still felt guilty for it.
Just as she was preparing to beat herself up about it once more, Sawyer pulled the car over. "We're here," he said quietly, not looking at Kate. For the first time she dared to glance at him, curious about what she'd see.
Dread. Excitement. Exactly what she was feeling, though for a different reason. She quickly looked away.
"You sure about this?"
This time Kate didn't answer straight away. She wasn't sure at all. In fact, she wanted nothing more than to turn the car around and drive home. And she knew that if she told Sawyer that, he'd do it.
But this was his daughter. He couldn't run away from her again.
Kate got out of the car and headed around to the back seat. As she unbuckled Peanut from her child seat, she reminded Sawyer what they'd agreed upon. "I'll talk to her, tell her you're here, then see what she wants to do. I'll call you when I know what's happening, okay?"
Sawyer nodded. "I'll stay close by." He sounded as though, by saying it, he was signing some kind of contract, something that would hold him to his word.
Both paused awkwardly for a moment. Neither knew what to say. Resigned to the fact that this was how it was going to be, Kate closed the car door, clutching her daughter to her, shutting herself off from her escape. She turned away from the vehicle, not wanting to see Sawyer's face. She stayed that way until she heard it moving, then she turned back to watch it leave.
Kate waited for the car to disappear at the end of the street before walking towards Cassidy's house, Peanut in her arms. She still couldn't quite believe the connection they shared.
She didn't have time to ponder this strange relationship, however. The front door opened before she even reached it, and her old accomplice was there, smiling in greeting.
"Hey," Kate said, returning the smile. She didn't know what else to say.
"Hi." Apparently Cassidy was having the same problem.
The moment passed quickly, however, when a little girl appeared at the door behind her mother.
"Who's that?" she asked Cassidy, pointing to Kate.
"Remember I told you a friend of mine was visiting today? This is Kate," Cassidy replied, "and don't point, sweetie."
"Hi," said Kate a little awkwardly. She couldn't stop staring at Clementine, Sawyer's other daughter. She couldn't help looking for some of his features in her, some resemblance to her half-sister even, despite the fact that she'd promised herself she wouldn't.
Upon glancing back at Cassidy, however, she realised the other woman was doing the same thing as she stared at Peanut.
So she did know. In a way, Kate was relieved she didn't have to tell her.
"Come on in," Cassidy finally said. Kate followed her inside, to the living area. After Cassidy had sent Clementine off to her room to play, Kate finally asked the question that was burning up inside of her.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She didn't waste any time with small talk, knowing Cassidy was also one to get straight to the point.
"I couldn't," she responded, without even thinking, it seemed to Kate.
"Why not?" Kate asked, trying not to sound too accusative.
Cassidy sighed loudly. "It's different. I saw you on TV and in all the newspapers after the rescue, and with the trial. You looked happy. I didn't want to ruin it for you."
Kate couldn't understand this. "What about what he did to you?" Why didn't you warn me, was what she really wanted to ask.
Cassidy understood her implication anyway. "Did you know who he was? Did you know he was a conman when you got involved with him?"
"Yeah," replied Kate, unsure where this was going.
"Then you knew him better than I did. And with what you went through, with your Mom, I figured you wouldn't be with him if you were worried," she answered.
Silence swept over the room as Kate tried to take this in. It wasn't long before she resumed her questioning, however.
"Do you think he's different now?" she asked. As much as she hated to admit it, she realised she desperately needed the opinion of someone who'd known him before.
Cassidy simply rolled her eyes at the question. "Well, it's not like I've spoken to him. But I saw the way he looked at you. He never looked at me that way."
"Do you still love him?" The question came out before Kate could stop it, and she wished she could take it back instantly. She thought she knew what the answer might be, and she didn't want to hear it.
Cassidy paused for several long moments. "No," she finally responded. Kate was unsure whether or not she was lying, but before she could question this Cassidy cut across her.
"Now it's my turn to ask the questions." Kate became very still at that announcement. She remembered all too well Cassidy's way of questioning, of almost always managing to get the truth out of her, and she wasn't ready for it just yet.
"Why are you here?"
At least that was an easy one, Kate thought. "Because I wanted to see you," she replied truthfully.
Cassidy shook her head at the response. "There's more to it than that. You never did anything for just one reason." She looked genuinely intrigued. "Were you worried there might still be something between us? Were you afraid I might try to steal him from you?"
Kate couldn't answer. That fear had been there from the moment she found out who Sawyer was to Cassidy, even though she didn't want to admit it to herself. She glanced away, unable to meet Cassidy's eyes.
"You don't have to worry." Kate listened, willing herself to believe her words.
"I'm not about to go there again. And even if I did, I doubt he'd be interested. Like I said, he never looked at me the way he looks at you."
Kate smiled, relieved. Suddenly she felt like an idiot for thinking the way she had been, for doubting Sawyer's love for her.
"So I'm guessing he told you about his daughter. Clementine." Cassidy added quickly, glancing at the toddler in Kate's arms.
"Yeah," she replied. An uncomfortable silence fell over them. Kate struggled with it, wanting to break it, not sure how.
"He's here," she finally blurted out.
Cassidy looked stunned. Seeing this, Kate explained. "He wants to meet Clementine. He told me about her a week ago. He told me everything. That's how I figured out it was you. We weren't sure if you'd want to talk to him, so he's waiting for me to call him. If you don't want to see him we'll just go. He's leaving it up to you."
Cassidy remained speechless. Kate, too, remained silent, giving her time to process this information. She could only imagine how difficult this decision must be for her; deciding whether or not to allow the man who had abandoned them back into their lives.
At the same time, she knew Sawyer was currently going mad inside a car, waiting to find out how his future would unfold from this moment. She didn't want him to have to wait too long.
"So, what do you want to do?" Kate asked.
Sawyer drove around in circles, keeping close to Cassidy's house, waiting for that phone call. He had no idea how long he would be waiting. Part of him hoped it would come quickly, so the excruciating task of waiting would end. At the same time, he hoped it would never come.
He didn't know anymore what kind of outcome he was hoping for. Maybe Cassidy wouldn't even let him see his daughter. Would he be okay with that? Kate was there; she was seeing Clementine, so at the very least she would be able to tell him something about her. Preferably that she was happy, and safe, and loved. He didn't doubt that Cassidy would love her and do everything for her she possibly could, but too much had happened to him in the past for him to automatically assume things would be okay. What if Cassidy had a partner who didn't treat them well? What if one of them had some life-threatening illness? There were so many possible scenarios going through his mind, and most of them featured pain and suffering.
Then again, what if they were perfectly fine? He knew that was what he should be hoping for, but a very small part of him didn't like the idea that his daughter could live her life perfectly fine without him. He wondered what he'd do if, after all this, he found out they were fine, he wasn't needed, and he and Kate could go back to their lives, never seeing this part of his family again.
It felt strange thinking of them as his family. Kate and their daughter were his family. He wasn't sure how his past lover and their daughter would fit into that construct.
His family was a mess right now. Kate was distant, clinical even. She wasn't avoiding him as such, but there was something about her that seemed fake. Her mask, long ago discarded, was back in place.
She seemed to support his interest in knowing his other daughter, but he wasn't sure if that was for his benefit, or Cassidy and Clementine's. Often when she'd mentioned them this past week, she'd glance at Peanut, and he knew she was thinking about all the "what if's". What if he'd left them when she was pregnant? What if he left now? How would she cope? She was putting herself in Cassidy's shoes all too frequently, and he hated that he'd driven her to that.
He'd thought maybe on the trip here he'd be able to get her to open up finally, being trapped together for so long. He'd tried so many times to get her talking, to get back what they had. It hadn't worked.
It hadn't helped that Clementine kept drifting to the front of his mind. He'd wanted to focus on Kate, fix things with her, before he tried to mend this other bridge. He couldn't do it. A blurry image of a smiling baby in a photograph was always there, distracting him. He couldn't even remember it properly. When he tried to picture it clearly images of Peanut appeared instead. Everything was a mess.
He wanted today to be over; he wanted to be past this stage so he could clear up his life and mend things with everyone in it.
Just as he was thinking this, his cell rang. He paused, dread creeping over him. It was happening. He couldn't do this.
Still, he answered it, feeling oddly detached. All of a sudden he remembered how Kate had said she'd felt when they were being taken off the island. He hadn't really understood it then, but he thought he was feeling it a bit now.
She wanted him to see her. It was a relief, and at the same time the dread only increased. Those worst case scenarios were still in his mind, only now he knew for sure that he had to face them. He couldn't back out now.
Hanging up, he drove back towards the house. The journey was too short; he was there too soon. He hadn't worked out what he was going to say yet.
Just as he was considering doing another circle around the block, the front door opened. He'd been spotted. Once again, Kate had taken control of the matter.
He got out of the car and walked towards her. She made no move to meet him halfway, and her face gave away nothing. He smiled nervously, hoping to incite some kind of response. He was hoping she'd be able to tell him what to expect before he had to see Cassidy.
His smile faltered as Cassidy herself appeared behind Kate. He froze for a moment. Her expression was inscrutable as well. It bothered him that there were two women standing in front of him and he didn't know what either was thinking. He'd always been so good at reading people. Had he lost his touch, or were they immune to his charms?
He shook himself mentally. Now wasn't the time to lose focus.
He paused once he was beside Kate. He didn't know what to say to Cassidy, and it didn't feel right to say anything to Kate in that moment, either. Two's company, three's a crowd, he thought to himself. He just couldn't figure out which of them was that third person. He'd expected each of the women to feel like the outsider when faced with his relationship with the other. What he hadn't expected was to see such a deep bond between Cassidy and Kate, something he wasn't a part of.
"Come in," Cassidy finally said. Sawyer followed Kate, trying not to look too interested as he took in his surroundings. He didn't want anyone figuring out that he was looking for a glimpse of Clementine; a photo, a crayon drawing, a stack of toys.
Once inside, the three adults stood around in an awkward circle. It was possibly the most uncomfortable moment Sawyer had ever experienced. Just as he was wondering how long it could last, a little girl wandered into the room.
"Clementine, I thought I told you to play in your room?" Cassidy said to her, a slight strain in her voice evident no matter how hard she tried to hide it.
"I was looking for my book," the girl replied innocently. She was either oblivious to the tension in the room, or she'd made up an excuse to come and see what was causing it.
Sawyer stared at her. This was his daughter, in the flesh. He realised that up until now, it had just been an idea. Now it was real.
He became acutely aware of both Kate and Cassidy staring at him. He tried to ignore the looks he was getting. This was one of those situations, he figured, where he couldn't win. Every second spent staring at Clementine felt like a betrayal to Kate. Yet he'd ignored Clementine for so many years; he felt like he owed her a few seconds of undivided attention, at the very least.
Eventually, Kate broke the ice. "Why don't I take Clementine back to her room, so you guys can talk?" she offered.
"Can the baby come, too?" asked Clem eagerly.
Kate had to smile at her enthusiasm. "Sure." Both looked at Cassidy expectantly.
"Alright," she relented. Clementine immediately grabbed Kate by the hand and started dragging her out of the room.
"Do you wanna..." Cassidy gestured to the couch.
"Uh, yeah." Sawyer sat. Cassidy took a seat opposite him.
Silence overtook them again. After several minutes, Sawyer asked the question he'd been dying to know the answer to.
"How's Clementine?"
Cassidy stared at him, and Sawyer realised just how far from easy this was going to be.
"She's fine," Cassidy responded simply.
Sawyer smiled bitterly. "I guess that's all I'm gonna get, huh?"
"Do you think you've earned more than that?" Cassidy was quick with that response.
Sawyer chose not to answer. He started searching for another question, one she might answer, anything to keep the conversation going.
"You got a boyfriend?"
Again, Cassidy stared at him. "Is that any of your business?"
Sawyer looked away, abashed. He couldn't help thinking that yes, it was his business if there was someone else in his daughter's life, but he knew that that wouldn't go down very well with Cassidy. Maybe after he'd spent more than a minute in his daughter's presence he could try it...
Perhaps sensing Sawyer's thoughts, Cassidy relented. "There have been a few guys over the years. Nothing too serious. Clem's more important, anyway. As long as I've got her I'm happy." Despite what she was saying, Sawyer couldn't help feeling that this was a sore topic for her, and he was sorry he'd brought it up.
She continued on. "The right guy will come along eventually. And if he doesn't, it's not the end of the world." Yet another uncomfortable silence followed that statement.
"Sorry," Sawyer blurted out. He was amazed at himself for how often he'd been saying or thinking that phrase recently. "I'm sorry I conned you, I'm sorry I abandoned you, and I'm sorry for how I acted when you told me about her."
Cassidy looked at him sadly. "You're not that sorry though, are you?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Sawyer, confused.
Looking directly in Sawyer's eyes, Cassidy explained. "If you hadn't done what you did to me, if you'd stuck around, you wouldn't have them," she said quietly.
Sawyer had never considered this before. It scared him a little. Was it wrong for him to be almost glad he'd abandoned his first child now? He couldn't imagine not having Peanut; as irrational as it
was, he was now terrified at the idea that she might never have been born. What was he supposed to be thinking and feeling about all this? What was normal?
Then again, if he'd never left Cassidy and Clementine, if he'd made a life with them, he wouldn't have known there could be a Kate and a Peanut in his life. He wouldn't have known what he was missing. Or would he have somehow felt that what he had wasn't enough? It amazed him how differently life could have turned out for him if he'd made a different choice.
"I don't hate you for it," Cassidy said, interrupting his thoughts. "You might have taken a lot from me, Sawyer – my money, my pride – but you gave me my daughter. The way I see it, the odds ended up being in my favour."
Just then, Sawyer considered asking Cassidy about the bank account he'd set up in Clementine's name. What she thought about it. If she knew about it. He decided not to. It wasn't really the time for it, he decided. Maybe later.
"What does she know about me?" he asked, curious.
"Not much. Not the truth, obviously. She's asked me where her dad was a couple of times. I told her he loved her very much but that he lived far away." Cassidy answered wistfully.
"And she doesn't wonder why, if her daddy loves her so much, he never wants to see her, or call her, or anything?" Sawyer asked incredulously, feeling bitter and self-loathing.
Cassidy simply replied, "She's too young to understand it right now. I think it was enough for her."
"And what about when she was old enough to understand?" He wanted to know what kind of crap she would have come up with to explain to the kid why her dad wasn't around. He'd heard so many variations of it as a kid, when he'd wondered why his own dad had done what he had.
"I was planning on explaining to her that it was because he loved her so much that he stayed away. That he didn't think he'd be a good father, and he knew she'd be happier without him." Cassidy replied softly.
It stung. It shouldn't have sounded so harsh; after all, it was the truth. But there was something about that statement that cut him to the bone.
He didn't want his daughter to think that way. He didn't want to think that way.
"Why didn't you just tell her I was dead, or something?" he asked.
"God, I don't know," she replied, exasperated. "Maybe I hoped you'd change your mind one day. Or maybe I thought about how much she'd hate me if she found out I was lying, if she thought I was the one keeping you from her. And then I thought you were dead, and I didn't want to admit to myself that it might be possible."
"Now what?" asked Sawyer, his mouth dry. He hadn't expected that she'd still care.
"I don't know," Cassidy whispered after a moment. "I don't know what to tell her. She's seen you now, and even if she doesn't know who you are, she's gonna be asking questions."
"What will you tell her?"
All of a sudden, Sawyer saw Cassidy raise her defences. "What should I tell her?"
"Why are you asking me?" he wanted to know.
"Because I need to know what's gonna happen!" She stood up and began pacing in front of him. "Do you want to be part of her life? Are you gonna start calling her, and sending her birthday cards? Or are just you gonna leave again?"
It suddenly struck Sawyer that he didn't even know when her birthday was. Pushing that thought aside for now, he pondered what Cassidy was asking him. "What do you want from me?"
Silent once more, Cassidy sat down again, considering the question. All Sawyer could do was sit under her penetrating stare while she decided on an answer.
"I want you to write her a letter," she finally said. Sawyer stared at her. "When I came to visit you in prison, I asked you to write her a letter, to tell her about yourself. I still want you to do that."
"What will you do with it?" He tried not to think about his last significant letter.
"I'll give it to her when she's older. When she's ready."
"When will that be?" Sawyer asked, trying to remain calm. Was this it? Was this all he was going to get?
Cassidy shrugged, infuriating Sawyer. Seeing his obvious frustration, she elaborated. "I've never done this before. I don't know what's going to happen; with you, with me. I have to think about Clementine, and do what's best for her. I'm not saying I won't let you see her. I just want to take this slowly. Maybe you could visit a few times, with Kate and the baby, and get to know Clementine before I tell her who you are."
Sawyer felt more at ease after hearing that. So she was open to giving him a chance. That was something.
"What's the letter for then?" he asked.
"In case it doesn't work out," was all Cassidy said. Sawyer considered this, trying to keep Clementine's best interests in mind. It made sense.
"I'm not going to leave her again," Sawyer said, meaning every word.
"I believe you," Cassidy replied sincerely, though she looked at him pityingly. "But what about Kate? How long is she going to put up with there being another woman in your life? She's already worried about it, and if you can't see that..." she trailed off.
More to convince himself that anything, he said nervously, "We'll be fine." Suddenly he was terrified.
"Maybe," Cassidy mused. "Maybe not." She glanced down the hallway, perhaps to ensure she wasn't being overheard, before continuing. "I knew her before you did, Sawyer. I know what her life
was like. She doesn't deserve this. The last thing she needs is for another man in her life to hurt her. She won't stick around if you do anything to her. And I can guarantee that if she leaves, she'll be taking her daughter with her."
Sawyer was frozen. He couldn't move. This sounded too much like a threat, and the worst part was he knew she was right.
"And I swear, if you do anything to hurt my daughter, you'll regret it," she added softly. "So you need to decide what you're gonna do. Either leave me and Clementine alone, write that letter, and have a good life with Kate, or be a part of Clementine's life, and risk losing your family."
"I can make it work," he insisted. He had to believe that. "I don't have to choose between them. Hell, there are plenty of people out there doing the extended family thing and it works out fine."
"I know," she agreed hesitantly. "I just want you to understand the risk you're taking. If you try to have everything, you risk losing everything. Kate would tell you the same thing."
He shook his head, fighting back the overwhelming fear that came with those words. "I can't abandon my daughter again. I want to be a part of her life. And Kate understands that," he pleaded.
Finally, Cassidy let it go. "All right. Just promise me you'll talk to Kate. Find out what she thinks about all this. Then we'll figure out what to do next."
"Why do you think Kate would leave?" He had to ask. She'd wanted him to meet his daughter, after all. Surely that meant she knew what she was getting herself into.
Cassidy didn't look at him as she answered. "Because last time I saw her, I told her I still loved you."
For a second, Sawyer was tempted to start asking follow up questions. Had she meant it? Did she still think that way? How could she ever have thought that after all he'd done to her? He stopped himself. Some things were better left unsaid.
Kate's attitude in the past week now made a little bit more sense. He'd definitely wondered, when she insisted on coming here. The fact that someone else saw it made it more likely to be true. However, he didn't want to assume that it was her only concern; she'd said herself that the whole situation reminded her of her parents. But it was something else to think about. Some other fear he would have to do his best to dissolve.
With that confession made, Sawyer knew it was time for them to leave. He felt a little like he was running out, avoiding a confrontation, but he figured it was for the best. He'd done what they'd planned, and he had to admit that it had worked out fairly well. At least, it could have gone a lot worse.
As though Cassidy realised what he was thinking, she stood up. Sawyer followed suit.
Hesitantly, Cassidy said, "Do you mind waiting outside for Kate? It's just, I think it'll be easier if Clementine doesn't see too much of you today. She'll already have about a million questions for me as it is."
Painfully, Sawyer agreed. After a quick and uncomfortable farewell, he headed back out to the car. After a few minutes, Kate exited the house, Cassidy walking behind her carrying Peanut. Kate paused at the door, finishing up a conversation with Cassidy. He strained to see her, to figure out what they were saying. Cassidy looked serious as she spoke, but Kate's face was turned away from him; he couldn't see her expression at all. He watched as they hugged, and then Cassidy passed the napping toddler back to her mother. Just before Kate left, he saw her wave to someone inside the house, and he could only assume that Clementine was lurking somewhere close by.
Kate seemed more relaxed now than she had before; she was all smiles as she passed Peanut to Sawyer. He was relieved at that.
"Did it go alright?" she asked casually as she deposited her bag in the car.
Before he could answer her, he saw Clementine appear at the door behind Cassidy, out of her line of sight. She gazed at him inquisitively. After a few seconds, he risked smiling at her.
To his delight, she grinned back.
As he turned to put Peanut in her car seat, he held onto that image.
"It was fine," he told Kate.
tbc.