"He said that Christmas was a humbug, as I live!" Charles Dickens
Stave Three: The Ghost Of Knowledge Present
Sheppard surprised himself by actually following Doctor Keller's advice. Once in his quarters he stretched out tiredly on his bed, dropping off to sleep between one breath and the next.
An hour later he woke refreshed and eager to find something to do ... something that didn't involve mingling with anyone else of course. No sense in giving anyone else the chance to criticise his Christmas choices. Grabbing his laptop Sheppard sat cross legged on the bed and switched it on, thinking a few games of Bejewelled would distract him quite nicely.
He'd just gotten the right folder open when his computer screen was taken over with the announcement box for new email. One day he'd have to get Rodney to switch that annoyance off. Unable to ignore what could be an urgent request for something Sheppard reluctantly clicked to open it.
Confidential ... Re requests for Christmas personal leave.
Sheppard read the subject title with a puzzled frown. It was from Doctor Jordan, the psychologist who'd stepped in to replace Kate Heightmeyer on a temporary basis. Like similar events on Atlantis the temporary placement had become permanent and Jordan had been in the role going on a year. Clicking to open the message Sheppard became even more confused.
"Mr Woolsey, as requested please find attached files on all staff with outstanding issues re Christmas leave. Most are just Doctor Heightmeyer's notes on staff she had recommended for leave approval the next time it was requested. Kate felt close attention should be paid to these files given they were either people where previous requests had been denied or staff with particular issues over the Christmas period. Where appropriate I have added additional information based on more recent observations. Please let me know if you feel more is required. Regards, Doctor Carol Jordan."
Thinking back over the timing Sheppard realised the files must have been one of the last things Kate had worked on before she died. That would have been a couple of months after the Christmas before last. They'd celebrated another Christmas since then ... why was Sheppard getting a message that was clearly so out of date?
More importantly, what should he do with it? Would it be wrong of him to open the attachments? Some of them could be about his own staff ... didn't he need to know if any of them were feeling resentful having to stay on Atlantis instead of going home? Talking himself into what could be seen as a breach of privacy Sheppard clicked to open the first attachment. As if to justify his decision he discovered it was about one of his men ... Major Lorne in fact.
"Major Lorne seems well adjusted to the idea of missing Christmas with his family last year," Kate had written. "He expressed some concern however that his nephews, the children of his only sister, would forget him given they are only four and six. I reassured the Major that children have surprisingly long and detailed memories and that they would understand the need for his absence. When I queried the fact that Major Lorne had not pushed for leave during the Christmas period he expressed reluctance to approach Colonel Sheppard. Although he was reticent to admit why, various comments I managed to coax from him made it clear he felt the Colonel would not understand the need, given his obvious impatience for anything Christmas related along with his lack of real ties back to Earth. Major Lorne is grounded by his family connections and I recommend he be allowed leave back on Earth next Christmas."
John sat back from his laptop with a feeling of sick dismay. Major Lorne thought he had contempt for people who liked Christmas because he didn't? And worse still, that he wouldn't understand the desire to be back on Earth this time of year because he didn't really have any family to speak of? Talk about getting a kick in the gut from a ghost! Kate had been gone for over a year and yet John could almost hear her gentle voice reproaching him for his attitude and encouraging him to keep an open mind.
Thinking back to this year's leave requests Sheppard groaned aloud. Woolsey had recommended Lorne's leave application be approved but John had overruled it, and for purely selfish reasons too. He hadn't wanted to deal personally with anything Christmas related ... he'd needed Lorne around to act in his place. The same had been true last year when Sam was still in charge ... in fact Major Lorne hadn't been granted any leave over Christmas since he'd been stationed to Atlantis.
Crap!
Worse still, Major Lorne had given no personal indication that he wasn't happy being right where he was. That only made John feel even guiltier, knowing Lorne had been hiding his disappointment because he hadn't believed John would understand.
Not sure he wanted to read anything else, Sheppard none the less felt compelled to click on the next attachment. After reading only a couple of lines he began to wish he hadn't.
"Kyle Radcliffe has personal issues to deal with back home but was denied leave over the Christmas period," Kate's explanation began. "He was told that his previous leave taken only a few months prior put his needs behind those who hadn't been back to Earth for more than a year. Rather than explain his reasons for requesting leave at that time Kyle repressed his feelings and focussed diligently on his work. When I questioned him about what was going on back on Earth Kyle admitted that his mother had recently been diagnosed with cancer. She'd insisted that he stay with his job rather than risk his career with an early return or worse yet a resignation. Kyle is well used to conceding to her wishes and did so without comment to anyone on Atlantis. Based on the promise of Doctor McKay that he would get leave the following Christmas Kyle resigned himself to maintaining contact with his mother and her condition through his brother and family friends. I recommend that Kyle be granted additional leave at the earliest opportunity to allow him time back on Earth with his Mother."
"Kyle Radcliffe?" Sheppard mused under his breath. Why did that name sound so familiar?
And then it hit him. Radcliffe had been the technician working with Doctor Zelenka the day Elizabeth's human form Replicator friends had come to Atlantis a few months ago.
The one who'd been with Radek in the Power Room when Koracen had tried to take over the city.
The one struck and killed by a lethal bolt of pure energy.
Quickly calling up Radcliffe's personal record Sheppard slumped in dejected dismay as he registered the implications of its contents. Radcliffe hadn't been granted that additional leave ... at least not in time for it to make a difference. His mother had died a month before Christmas last year ... Kyle hadn't even seen her again, hadn't had the chance to say goodbye. And he'd never put in another request for any further leave before he'd been killed ... not as far as Sheppard could work out anyway.
Why hadn't Radcliffe been granted that leave in time?
The evidence after delving a bit deeper had Sheppard cringing even more. He'd denied that request too ... because Radek had needed Radcliffe for some work off world. Rodney had wanted to keep Radek happy by making sure he had someone to do the work so Radek wouldn't have to go off world himself. And Sheppard had wanted to keep Rodney happy so he'd let Rodney make him the bad guy and personally denied the leave request ... without looking into it in more detail first. So because John hadn't wanted to give Rodney more reason for complaining he'd cheated a son of his last chance to say goodbye to his mother.
Sheppard felt like the walls were closing in around him, the similarity to his own past too cutting to ignore. His headache returned with a vengeance, painful waves throbbing from his neck across his forehead. John fell back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling as he concentrated on pushing down the memories and the anxious, angry feelings they carried with them. Usually he could do it but his coping mechanisms didn't seem to be kicking in. Rather than help with his control, the closed eyes and even breathing left his mind clear to play back in vivid detail another memory, this one much more recent.
"You said Dad regretted what happened," John sat across from his brother Dave in their parent's home ... well Dave's home now, only days after his father's funeral. "How can you know that?"
"Because he told me," Dave said simply. "He knew you were angry about Mom's illness. He felt guilty too ... just like you. Thinking he could have saved her if he'd noticed in time even though the doctors told him it wouldn't have mattered. That day, her funeral, he was angry too because he knew Mom was disappointed she didn't get to see you before she ... you know. He blamed your choice of career for that – even then you were difficult to get a hold of."
"I don't remember it like that," John admitted in surprise. "It just seemed like he didn't care it was Mom's funeral ... that it was just another chance for him to try to control me. He'd mapped out my whole life and couldn't resist suggesting everything would have turned out differently if I'd just towed the line."
"You were never very good at that," Dave said fondly, "even when you were trying to pretend you'd play along."
"This life," John gestured around the rooms of an obviously wealthy lifestyle, "it's not for me. I don't have anything against you living it but ... I'd suffocate if I had to live like this."
"Deep down Dad knew that," Dave returned. "That's part of what he regretted, that he never showed you he did understand you. Not like Mom but enough to see this wasn't where you needed to be."
"I wish he could have told me that himself," John said sadly.
"If his funeral brings the two of us back together he'd call that a win/win," Dave pointed out with a rueful laugh. "Assuming this does mean you won't be such a stranger anymore?"
"I only get leave once a year," John told him. "Where I'm stationed? It's a lot further away, and a lot more remote than you'd think."
"Then I'll get in now and ask you to come for a longer visit this Christmas," Dave said pleasantly.
"Dave," John protested bitterly. "Not Christmas ... I can't."
"You haven't celebrated Christmas since Mom died have you?" Dave queried in astonishment. "She wouldn't have wanted you to live your life like that John."
"You remember that last Christmas, the one before I joined up?" John asked his brother softly. Dave nodded with a fond smile. "That was the perfect holiday. Nothing I've had going on since even came close and ... it's not the same without the enthusiasm ... the sheer joy she brought to everything. What's the point in trying to duplicate something you know you can never match?"
"Don't you have friends, people you care about?" Dave asked intently. "Do you just bury yourself in a hole when December 24th rolls around? They let you get away with that?"
"Can we not talk about this right now?" John retorted dismissively.
"All these years I've been picturing you doing the 'team equals family' thing with your air force buddies," Dave said with a look of dawning and somewhat unpleasant understanding. "But you haven't, have you? Please tell me you haven't been closing yourself off for the past twenty years!"
"People die," John shot back grimly. "I had friends ... family ... and for a time that was enough to replace what I thought I'd lost. But it never lasted and I always ended up being forced to count on myself. Now I just skip to the end ... saves on personal energy when you're not bothered by the need to construct elaborate fantasies that can never make it in the real world."
"I thought I envied you the freedom," Dave said weakly. "Now ...?"
"It's not all bad," John insisted. "I might have lost but I've also saved a few too."
"Just not the ones who counted," Dave concluded.
"Not always," Sheppard agreed like that truth wasn't as disturbing as it sounded.
John snapped back to reality with a gasp, rubbing a hand to his aching forehead in dismay. That had been too real, too close to things he tried never to think about. All because of a message not even meant for him!
Sitting back up Sheppard pulled his laptop towards him, prepared to delete the offending email without pause. But his eyes betrayed him, feeding to his unsuspecting vision the name of the last file attachment.
LeaveReview_J_Sheppard.
Kate had been keeping a file on his leave habits? She'd put his name in with the batch of staff she'd recommended for leave last Christmas? Why would she do that?
Resolutely double clicking on his file John waited impatiently for it to load, eyes quickly scanning the words once they'd been displayed.
Colonel Sheppard hasn't put in a formal request for leave over the Christmas period and it is worth noting that he has worked through the holiday every year since arriving on Atlantis. Assessment of his leave records prior to his placement here indicate he was in the habit of volunteering for duty on Christmas day. One can only surmise that John is using work commitments to avoid confronting issues of particular relevance over Christmas. An observation of John's behaviour, particularly over the Christmas holiday, raises concerns that should be addressed. The Colonel is extremely supportive of others but doesn't avail himself of that same support in return. He often makes light of his own concerns, be they physical or mental in nature, and prefers to segregate himself in remote parts of the city to deal with issues. His coping mechanisms are all about denial and avoidance rather than confrontation and acceptance and he holds himself responsible for events well outside of his control. Given that his service record, along with what I know of his experiences in the Pegasus galaxy, is weighed down with the loss of colleagues and team mates, the fact that these mechanisms are still providing some protection from emotional distress is frankly amazing. It concerns me what would happen to John should his usual coping methods no longer prove effective.
The Colonel has always been reluctant to discuss his family ... with little to indicate what if any ties he might have back home. Some independent research revealed that John in fact does have a father and brother back on Earth who he hasn't seen for many years. I can't say whether his disconnection from his family is a symptom or the cause of his reluctance to engage in deeper relationships here on Atlantis but clearly there are issues to be resolved. I therefore recommend that Colonel Sheppard be scheduled for leave over Christmas next year to allow him the opportunity to at the very least reconnect with his family.
Sheppard frowned as he came to the end of Kate's notes, not sure whether he was more bothered that Kate had believed he didn't have meaningful relationships or that she thought his coping methods were in danger of not working.
The level of anxiety evoked by the idea that all his past issues could suddenly break free of the box he'd welded them in answered that question for him. He needed to count on his ability to repress the things he didn't have time or inclination to deal with. If events from the past started cropping up in the present John was going to be in big trouble. In fact he felt on the edge of having a meltdown right then just thinking about all the ways he could self destruct.
"Don't go there," he urged himself. "Think about something else John."
Something else, like why the hell that file had been sent to him in the first place! And he refused to believe it had anything to do with what he'd hallucinated with Holland and Ford earlier in the day. There was a logical reason for it ... he just needed some help working it out.
"You got a minute McKay?" Sheppard radioed Rodney once he'd decided to share his latest experience.
"What do you need?" Rodney asked first.
"I need you to trace an email I just received," Sheppard revealed. "It wasn't addressed to me and I'm worried maybe it's a symptom of some kind of system problem."
"I've got some time before the party," Rodney replied. "Where are you?"
"Quarters," Sheppard revealed. "I'm using my laptop here."
"I'll see you in five," Rodney said briskly before switching off.
oOo
Rodney turned up as promised, snapping his fingers impatiently until Sheppard vacated the position in front of his desk where he'd moved his laptop.
"Which message is it?" Rodney called up the email program and looked over at John expectantly.
"The one from Doctor Jordan," Sheppard pointed vaguely to the screen.
"What message from Doctor Jordan?" Rodney glanced at the laptop before looking back to John with a frown.
"The one titled 'Christmas leave' ... it's right there!" John pulled the laptop around so he could see it. He could feel the wave of panic sweeping over him when he realised the message wasn't sitting in his inbox anymore. "What'd you do?!" he demanded heatedly.
"Me?" Rodney bit back. "I didn't touch a thing ... are you sure Jennifer gave you a clean bill of health?"
"Yes," Sheppard retorted impatiently. "I had a message there McKay ... can't you check some kind of log, see if it got deleted somehow?"
"Of course," Rodney bent over the laptop, tapping and muttering as he cycled through screens too quickly for John to follow. After an embarrassingly short time Rodney sat back with a less than satisfied expression.
"I can't find any evidence of that specific message," Rodney revealed. "But there is some kind of glitch in the system."
"What glitch?" Sheppard asked.
"The system usually stores sent emails in archive for 28 days and then they get purged from the network," Rodney explained. "Some time back the purge didn't activate properly and the buffer's been getting more and more crowded ever since. Today it reached critical mass so to speak – couldn't hold any more files. It's possible that if the system couldn't work how to remove them, it might have forwarded them randomly inside the network."
"So maybe it sent the message to me initially and then recalled it once the error was recognised," Sheppard suggested.
"I guess," Rodney's tone broadcast that he thought it extremely unlikely that was what had actually happened. "It might not have been something current at all. From what I can tell there are messages in there dating back to last Christmas ... obviously the email purge hasn't been working properly for ages."
Sheppard nodded, ignoring Rodney's scepticism ... that would make sense. Not that it made the contents any less meaningful ... in fact it probably made them worse because he'd added to mistakes he'd already made with people like Major Lorne since Kate had composed those notes. The guilt was there ... along with a healthy case of worry when a sudden thought occured to him.
"Wait, does that mean other people might have gotten the same email as well?" he asked in concern.
"No," Rodney rolled his eyes at having to explain something he thought everyone would understand. "The system wouldn't treat the overload files like real messages ... at most it would want to park them somewhere, like in one persons in box. Why? Something in that email that concerns you?"
"Not exactly," Sheppard dismissed, hoping Rodney would just let it drop.
"Did Doctor Jordan think you needed Christmas leave?" Rodney persisted. When John frowned at his accuracy he exclaimed "Oh what? It's not like the title didn't give a pretty good indication of what the message is about!"
"The message could have been about anyone Rodney," Sheppard reminded him. "It's a breach of their privacy to even know it exists."
"But you looked at it, right?" Rodney retorted.
"I looked at the first couple of attachments," Sheppard admitted. "Even that was more than I should have done."
"Doesn't matter now," Rodney pointed out. "And it's not like you're gonna tell anyone that you read their stuff."
"Do you ...," Sheppard glanced at Rodney before deciding to continue. "Do you think I come over as impatient with anyone who's into the Christmas thing?"
"Yes," Rodney said abruptly before relenting somewhat. "For those of us who've put up with you for a while no, but everyone else probably does think you're a bit of a Scrooge."
"Oh," Sheppard didn't know what to say.
"You could convince them they're all wrong by showing your face tonight," Rodney suggested.
"I'll think about it," Sheppard offered reluctantly. "In the meantime you need to fix that purge thing so no more emails get delivered to the wrong in box."
"Shouldn't take long," Rodney jumped up and headed for the door. Pausing at the threshold he glanced back at Sheppard awkwardly. "You know ... if you ever want to talk about ... whatever Kate thought you should be talking about ... you could, you know ... talk to me."
"I appreciate the offer Rodney," Sheppard replied, genuinely touched that Rodney would offer something he was so clearly uncomfortable with.
"Okay then," Rodney resumed his exit. "Maybe I'll see you at the party."
"And maybe you won't," Sheppard muttered under his breath once Rodney had left. Just because he'd agreed to think about attending didn't mean he had any intention of changing his mind! Obviously he'd have to be much more diligent about checking leave requests before denying them but otherwise he was quite happy that nothing in his world had changed.
Authors Note:
Apologies if this chapter is a bit light on conversation ... couldn't think of any other way to do what I wanted with the story. I'm assuming Christmases take place at the end of each season so Kate Heightmeyer would have been commenting on Christmas Season 3 with recommendations for Christmas Season 4. And of course this is set now - Christmas Season 5. I made up Kate's replacement because I couldn't find anywhere a reference to who took over from her ... if someone else knows about that let me know and I'll amend the story appropriately. I also made up a background to go with the nameless technician who was killed in 'Ghost in the machine' ... I don't think he ever even had a name.
Finally, I couldn't help but notice there are two or three other Christmas stories based on a Christmas Carol doing the rounds ... I haven't read them yet but I hope mine is different enough to still keep you interested!
Only two chapters left ... definitely being posted before Christmas.