"I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future!" Charles Dickens.
Stave Five: The End ... And The Beginning Of It All.
Sheppard and Teyla walked in companionable silence down darkened corridors on their way back to the main tower. John was lost in his own thoughts ... cycling repeatedly through the days events. When they got to the intersection leading to his quarters he stopped, knowing the time had come to make his first significant change.
"John?" Teyla stopped too, looking at Sheppard expectantly.
"Do you mind waiting?" he asked her hesitantly, nerves jumping as he waited for her to work out why.
"You are coming to the party after all?" Teyla asked in surprise.
"If you'll let me escort you?" Sheppard replied almost shyly, eyes on the floor as he waited for her response.
"I would be honoured," Teyla said with a gracious smile.
"Okay," Sheppard grinned with little boy enthusiasm. "Just let me go get cleaned up. I'll be five minutes!"
"I will wait," Teyla moved over to a nearby couch and sat down graciously. John took real notice for the first time of the dress she was wearing, a swirling concoction of blues that flattered her figure.
"You look ... amazing," he said appreciatively.
"Thank you," Teyla smiled at the compliment. When John just stood there looking at her she laughed, urging him on with a wave of her hand. "Go!"
"Right," Sheppard blinked a couple of times, threw her an embarrassed smile and then hurried off to his room.
"You did good," the voice of Captain Holland greeted him as soon as he walked through the door.
"You again," Sheppard said in dismay. "What do you want this time?"
"To make sure you really did get the message," Holland replied. "From that scene back there I'd say you did."
"Did you do all this?" Sheppard asked. "Ford, that email from Kate, Posterus. Did you arrange that?"
"In a manner of speaking," Holland replied cryptically. "Like I said, you always were a stubborn son of a bitch. Had to pull out all the stops to get you to really listen."
"Oh I listened all right," Sheppard said with a grim laugh. "Hard not to when you're watching your friends suffer and die!"
"Just friends?" Holland queried meaningfully.
"As of right now yeah," Sheppard agreed simply.
"She is free to feel for you as you do for her," Holland revealed.
"I already knew Teyla and Kanaan weren't together like that," Sheppard explained. "That wasn't what was holding me back."
"I know," Holland smiled. "I just wanted to make sure you knew it too."
"That future stuff, it made me realise something," Sheppard sat on his bed, really looking at his friend for the first time. "I always thought I could avoid getting hurt if I didn't commit myself to belonging to anyone. Couldn't stop myself from caring but controlling how I saw it? I really thought I could minimise the risks if I kept the barriers up. Seeing Teyla dying just blew that out of the water."
"How?" Holland asked.
"Just because you don't belong to something doesn't mean you won't feel anything when it's gone," Sheppard concluded. "In that future I spent my whole life denying that I had any feelings for Teyla and yet seeing her die like that was ...," he swallowed hard, the echo of grief and loss still too close to the surface. "It felt real ... and it was just as difficult as any other losses I can remember."
"You can change it," Holland promised. "You've already begun."
"Thanks," Sheppard looked at his friend with real gratitude. "I appreciate the heads up ... being that pathetic old man is not how I want my life turning out but I can see now that would have been the natural conclusion."
"Glad to be of service Sir," Holland gave a mock salute.
"Listen," Sheppard continued. "Assuming this was all real ... assuming Posterus really is a device that lets you glimpse the future ... I need you to disable it. Seeing the future was difficult - it's nothing like you'd imagine, and not something anyone should covet. I don't want someone stumbling across the room, especially someone like Rodney who could easily fix it."
"Already done," Holland reassured John. "Don't you have a party to go to?"
"Crap!" John jumped up when he got a look at the clock. "I gotta get ready."
"Goodbye Shep," Holland said in a solemn tone.
"It was good seeing you again Neal," Sheppard replied. He stood for a moment before hesitantly asking one final question. "It was all real right? You really were here?"
"Reality is a state of mind," Holland seemed to be enjoying his cryptic facade just a little too much. "I was if you believe I was," Holland's image flashed brightly before disappearing, the faint sounds of his laughter lingering in the air.
Even though Sheppard had already taken longer than he'd promised Teyla he couldn't help but sit back down on his bed for a few moments once Holland had vanished. It was hard to believe his life could go from where it was right then to somewhere so unexpected ... and lonely. That he'd get to a place where he'd willingly let go of his closest friends ... and not just let go - actively drive away astounded him. That was as big a wake up call as the specific events he'd been forced to witness. Maybe he had been taking too much responsibility for everything that happened around him ... using that as an excuse to check out of everything else, to cruise without putting in the effort needed to make something permanent. Seeing that solitary marker in a military cementary was the ultimate conclusion to phrases like 'you get out what you put in' and 'you reap what you sow'. He'd put little of himself into his personal relationships because he'd needed to protect himself from feeling like he had when he'd been forced to cut ties with his family, along with all the other losses he'd had to endure every time he let someone get close. Clearly continuing down that track was no longer an option. He had to stop that future from happening ... he had to do whatever it took to change it.
Did his day really happen as it had in his perceptions? Sheppard guessed he'd never know and in the end it didn't even matter. Real or imagined, the events of the day had taught him a much needed lesson he was determined to act upon. To borrow the words of the original Scrooge he intended to live with the past, the present, and the future ... starting right then.
oOo
It caused quite a stir when Sheppard and Teyla walked into the party, her hand resting lightly on his arm. It seemed that everyone froze momentarily before motion began again, couples dancing together in one section while elsewhere groups of people talked and laughed. The whole place reeked Christmas, from the enormous tree heavy with ornaments to the lights and mistletoe that hung from every available place.
"I don't believe it," Rodney said incredulously when John and Teyla arrived at their team table. "You actually turned up!"
"Rodney!" Jennifer looked at her boyfriend in exasperation, offering John an apologetic smile.
"Glad you changed your mind," Ronon commented, slouched in a chair across from Rodney watching the festivities with curious interest.
"Had to," John turned to Teyla with a smile. "Can't very well ask Teyla to dance with me if I'm not here, can I?" Watching her closely he was pleased to see her 'surprised but in a good way' smile. "Will you?"
"I would be delighted to dance with you John," Teyla took the hand he offered and let him lead her out across the dance floor.
"It's been a while since I've done this," Sheppard quipped nervously, clasping her hand in his and putting his other hand at her waist.
"We will work it out together," Teyla reassured him.
He needn't have worried ... they danced in perfect harmony, using what they knew of each other as team mates to anticipate and compliment each movement. For the first time since that long ago last Christmas with his Mother, John let himself just exist in the moment, not worrying about what he was revealing by holding Teyla too close.
"Thank you for coming to find me earlier," John said softly a few moments later, leaning down to speak close to Teyla's ear.
"I will always be there for you," Teyla, with her usual wisdom knew that more had gone on for John that day than seemed apparent on the surface. She gave him her promise, sensing that he needed the words to follow through on behaviours she hadn't seen from him before.
"I know," John returned. Making some space between them so he could look into her eyes he gave his own promises. "And I'll always be there for you too, you and Torren ... no matter where we are or how far apart we might end up. If you need me all you have to do is ask."
"I believe I will always be able to count on you John," Teyla pointed out complacently.
"I would have thought so but ... things could change. I just want to make sure you know that won't," Sheppard made to draw her close again but she resisted, looking at him intently.
"You will tell me what happened to you today," she stated firmly.
"Yeah, just not now," Sheppard agreed. "We've got a party to enjoy!"
"Tomorrow then," Teyla agreed, letting John close the distance between them again.
oOo
"Major Lorne," Sheppard greeted his second in command, sitting down in the vacant seat across from him. After enjoying a few dances with Teyla John had decided to do the rounds, greeting everyone and letting them share their enjoyment of the holiday season with him. He fully intended to write a letter to Kyle Radcliffe's family tomorrow but there was one task he could take care of right there and then.
"Sir," Lorne nodded casually.
"I know it's a bit late," Sheppard began, "but if you still want to I've cleared your leave for a few days back on Earth. Maybe you could do a belated Christmas celebration with your family."
"Ah ... thank you Sir," Evan said in surprise. "That's ... of course I want to."
"I'm sorry I didn't approve your leave this year," Sheppard said, holding up a hand when Lorne made to comment. "I know none of us can expect to get leave every year but ... I was being selfish letting you take on all the Christmas related duties. You did a good job by the way ... everyone seems to be enjoying themselves."
"I was happy to do it Sir," Lorne said earnestly. "If you don't mind my asking, what brought on this change of heart?"
"The ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future," Sheppard quipped, laughing when Lorne looked at him in confusion. "From Dickens ... A Christmas Carol?"
"Ah ... yes Sir," Lorne replied uncertainly.
"I had some time today to reflect on a few things," Sheppard let the Major off the hook by explaining. "Made me realise some of my motives were ... misguided."
"Christmas celebrations can be difficult when you've lost people close to you," Lorne commented in understanding.
"They can indeed," Sheppard put a hand on the table, smiling across at Lorne as he pushed himself up. "Enjoy the rest of the party Evan ... I'll let Woolsey know I've cleared your trip tomorrow so you can head out when you're ready."
"Thank you Sir," Lorne reiterated, still grinning as Sheppard walked away.
oOo
"Official duties done?" Rodney asked when John finally sat back down at Team Sheppard's table what seemed like hours later.
"Finally," John agreed. "Where's Ronon?"
"He was dancing with Amelia Banks," Rodney offered. "I lost sight of him a while back. Jennifer went off to the ladies with Teyla."
"Good to know," Sheppard slouched back in his seat, glancing from place to place just taking everything in.
"See, it wasn't so bad," Rodney said after a few moments of silence.
"Mmm?" Sheppard looked at his friend curiously.
"The Christmas party," Rodney clarified. "It wasn't as bad as you were imagining."
"No," Sheppard agreed. "I hate to admit it but you were right Rodney ... I really didn't know what I was missing."
"Well now you do," Rodney returned smugly. "Make sure you never forget again."
"I'm sure you'll be reminding me before I get the chance," Sheppard retorted with a grin, well pleased by the truth of that statement.
"Gentlemen," Jennifer and Teyla returned to the table, each sparkling with their enjoyment of the night. Rodney drew Jennifer to him immediately, smiling at something she whispered in his ear.
"Are you enjoying yourself?" Teyla sat beside John, facing the room like he was so she could watch the celebrations.
"Surprisingly yes," John admitted, glancing over at her before looking back to the room. He spotted Ronon approaching through the crowd moments before he arrived.
"Sheppard," Ronon's voice was mischievous, his eyes twinkling with amusement.
"Ronon," Sheppard returned cautiously. "You all right buddy?"
"I've got something for you," Ronon replied with a grin. "Giving gifts is tradition right?"
"Yeah, but it's not a requirement or anything," John looked at his friend suspiciously.
"You'll like this one," Ronon promised, pulling the hand he'd had behind his back forward so everyone could see what he had.
"Mistletoe?" John shot a glance at Teyla before looking pointedly back at Ronon. "I'm not sure that's really appropriate but I appreciate the thought."
"Is it not tradition to kiss under the mistletoe?" Teyla asked, frowning when John groaned.
"You know about that?" he asked weakly.
"Pay up buddy," Ronon held the mistletoe over John and Teyla's heads, grinning all the while.
"Yes John," Teyla said firmly, with an amused smile at his obvious embarrassment. "Pay up."
"Okay, but we do this my way," John got up and pulled Teyla from her chair so quickly she let out a surprised squeak.
Enfolding her in his arms John dipped her low to the ground, smiling at the picture she made with her hair flowing over his arm. Their little show had drawn the attention of everyone, the cheers ringing out as John finally kissed his team mate. No little peck for him ... John made sure that if this was the only time he was gonna kiss Teyla (when he was in his right mind anyway) he'd make it a memorable one. It was passionate and heated and broadcast his feelings just as surely as if he'd said the words aloud.
Teyla was speechless when John broke away and pulled her up again, going so far as to assist her back to her chair with no protest.
"You never do anything half way do you?" Rodney teased with a pleased smile.
"Not if I can help it," John laughed, delighted at how well he'd managed to ruffle Teyla's peaceful facade. It wasn't a promise or even much of anything but he hoped at the very least, if she was willing, they could call it was a beginning. "Thanks buddy," he looked over at Ronon gratefully.
"Traditions are important," Ronon returned, greatly pleased with everything.
oOo
Neal Holland watched the scene with satisfaction from afar ... it had taken getting hit with an emotional sledgehammer but finally he was convinced his friend really would be okay. Not a bad days work, if he said so himself!
The End!
Authors Note:
Blame this one on spending two days putting my Christmas decorations up along with having to watch Barbie in a Christmas Carol over and over ... and over again! The title for this comes from the preface to the original edition where Dickens wrote "I have endeavoured in this Ghostly little book, to raise the Ghost of an Idea, which shall not put my readers out of humour with themselves, with each other, with the season, or with me. May it haunt their houses pleasantly, and no one wish to lay it." The quote at the beginning of each chapter comes from the corresponding chapter in the book. The chapters are titled staves because that's what Dickens did at one stage, thinking of it from the musical sense which I took a fancy to. I hope any purists or extreme fans of Dickens forgive the license I took in depicting the three spirits – the idea of past, present and future is the key to the story I believe and actual ghosts just don't seem to fit in with Atlantis. I wanted each event to be something that could have happened but at the same time something open to reality questionning ... I'll leave it up to you to decide which you prefer. Apologies for any errors that made it into this chapter ... it's 3:30am here and my brain is trying to force me into sleeping mode ...
That's it from me (I think!) until after the New Year when I get FJS4 off the ground. Merry Christmas ... hope you enjoyed my little Christmas gift to you all ... I certainly enjoyed writing it :D