Wow this was a long chapter. And guess what, kids? I actually did my research for most of this one! Meaning I went back and watched most of the old episodes. In other news, "Lost in 17 Minutes" has exactly 17 reviews right now! I thought that was noteworthy...
Disclaimer: If I owned Lost, Charlie wouldn't have died. There were at least three different ways he could have escaped that little underwater room! J.J. Abrams, you suck.
Jack: (in dark cell) OK, when did I wander onto the set of CSI?
Sawyer: (in zoo cage) Hey, I am NOT an extra for Curious George!
Kate: (on gorgeous sun-drenched beach) And I never signed on for… uh… Lost...
Ben: (in gorgeous island gazebo) Just think of this imprisonment as a romantic island getaway where you live in monkey cages and work on a rock farm!
---
Desmond: (naked) Guess what? EVERYONE'S STILL ALIVE!!!!!! (grins cheesily)
Hurley: (staring) Please tell me this isn't the only action I'm going to get now that my girlfriend's dead…
Eko: You and your stupid crisis of faith, John. Now I'm slowly dying because of… uh… was it the dynamite, the mild concussion, or the show's irrational need for bloodshed?
Writers: We're going to go with "electromagnetism".
Physicists: (spaz over writers not understanding electromagnetism)
---
Jack: (finally lost his mind) They're after me! Walls closing in! One flew over the cuckoo's nest!!
Juliet: Ok Chief- I mean, Jack. Have a grilled cheese sandwich.
Jack: (tries to stab her with a plate) Mwahaha, I'm escaping!! (sees door) Hey, "Es-cap-hey!" That's funny, it's spelled just like the word "Escape"… (opens door)
Cell: (somehow floods with water)
Ben: (saves Jack's ass) Jack, you crazy fool.
Jack: I will not be ignored, Kate! With Hurley's radish, we're going to win the competition!!
Ben: (projectile vomits) Ok, this guy's going back into solitary.
Juliet: Oh crap, I think I love him.
---
Sawyer: (trying to beat machine) Curse you, elusive fish biscuits!!! (gets one) Hahahahahah!!! (gobble)
Kate: (in cage next door) Sawyer, you crazy fool. I love you!!!!!!
---
Locke: Let's go find Jack, Kate, and Sawyer! I bet they're hiding at the question mark!
Desmond: What are you, nuts?
Eko: (still somehow dying) I guess I'll come too…
Shadow: (homicidal)
Eko: You're next, Norman and Sharona!!!!!!! (death by shadow)
New girl (Sharona): That was totally wack, yo.
New guy (Norman): Yeah… wiggedy wack… OMG flush toilets!!!! ("uses")
Desmond: Brotha… your name's Paolo. Not Norman.
Norman: Pfff, what?!? Who's going to name their kid Paolo? I think "Norman" much better captures my homicidal nature…
Sharona: And I'm such white trash, I think "Sharona" is a much better name for me, because "Nikki" is just laaaaaaaame. Such a Heroes ripoff…
Locke: Yeah, whatever Nikki. (starts divining directions to the Others' camp from Eko's Jesus stick)
Norman and Sharona: (sigh)
---
Juliet: OK Jack, you've gone three whole days without doing something really crazy, so you deserve a little treat. (brings in TV)
TV: (Charlie) Guys… where are we? (L-O-S-T)
Jack: (watching his own TV show) …How'd Charlie fit in that tiny box?
Juliet: Keep watching…
TV: (Juliet holding up signs) If anyone but you sees this tape, I am so dead. Anyway, I know that Ben wants you to do spinal surgery on him. So make sure you "accidentally" kill him during the surgery. "Accidentally," got that?
Juliet: (turns off TV) So how's about it, new boyfriend?
Jack: …TV go dark!
Juliet: (facepalm)
---
Sawyer: (gets stir-crazy from so much time in a monkey cage and tries to kill guards)
Ben: You have displeased us so much that if you do any more work for us, your face will explode.
Da Phoenix: Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! (weeps uncontrollably)
Ben: I mean, your heart will explode. And you'll die.
Sawyer: That doesn't make much sense either, but… Curse you, Benry!!!!!!!
Ben: (after making Sawyer jog up several mountains) Naw man, I was just messing with you about that whole bomb-in-your-chest thing. But just so's ya know, no one will find you since we're on a whole different island.
Sawyer: …Wait, how did we not see the other island? Or notice a boat ride to another island?
Ben: … uh… you were drugged?
Sawyer: You guys know about the heroin plane?
Ben: Yeah, let's go with that!
---
Kate: I've decided to take Ben's suggestion to see our captivity as a romantic island getaway a bit too literally! (sneaks out of cage to have sex with Sawyer)
Jack: (ranting in the dark) I was raised by a cup of coffee. (sees them on the monitors) Kate and Sawyer are together?! I NEVER saw this coming!!!
Everyone: Really?
Jack: Aw man, Kate left me for Sawyer AGAIN. Now that my heart's broken, there's only one sane thing to do… SPINAL SURGERY!!!!!!!!
---
Guards: (gun to Sawyer's head)
Kate: Don't kill him! I need to have his baby so people keep watching the show!!!!
Radio: (crackles) Gaaaaah!!!
Kate: Uh-oh, it's Jack… I'd better explain things to him…
Sawyer: Hurry up with the negotiatin', my little fish biscuit!
Jack: (sputtering like a madman) Pl… pl… pl… PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!
Kate: What?!? You purposefully-not-accidentally botched Ben's spinal surgery so Sawyer and I could escape from our monkey cages, steal a boat to go to our island with some kid named Karl, and never come back to rescue you from the clutches of Juliet? Are you deranged or something?!?!?!?!?!?
Jack: Meh!
Sawyer: I think his daddy issues have finally driven him insane… (escapes from monkey cage with Kate to the main island with some kid named Karl and never comes back to rescue Jack from Juliet's clutches… wait.)
---
Desmond: (has become new hero guy by saving Claire… twice!)
Hurley: Dude… Desmond sees the future…
Da Phoenix: Ok, now's when you know the show has absolutely NO concept of reality.
Eko: (comes back from dead) What, you couldn't tell that from the homicidal shadow? (dies again)
Desmond: Charlie! Bad news, brotha!! You're going to die!
Charlie: You can't kill me! You'll lose all the LOTR fans watching the show if I die!
---
Hurley: Dude, where's my car… plotline?
Sawyer: (comes back sans Karl, but with Kate) You're going to ride this Volkswagen bus off a cliff?! Oh man, are YOU the drug addict now?!
Charlie: Well, I'm marked for death anyway, according to the almighty Desmond, so I'll come with!
Hurley: Yayyyyyy!!!!!! (drives bus off cliff)
(Charlie and Hurley miraculously do not die)
Boone: (resurrects) I rode a plane off a cliff and I died… how does this show work exactly?!?
Charlie: Well, everyone loves us, while no one loved you. (Boone commits suicide)
---
(Jack is in the monkey cage)
Cindy: And this, kids, is the rare endangered species Crazius doctorus. They are characterized by their permanent manly five-o'-clock shadow and severely debilitating daddy issues.
Kids: Oooh!
Jack: I AM NOT AN ANIMAL, EVERYONE!!!! STOP SHOVING PEANUTS THROUGH THE BARS OF MY MONKEY CAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Juliet: Jack, shut up. We're all going back to the big island now, since it makes the story much less complicated.
Jack: Rawr!!!! (attacks fish biscuit machine)
Juliet: (pretends not to be turned on)
---
Kate: 'Mkay you guys, we need to go rescue Jack from the clutches of that evil temptress Juliet- I mean, the Others. Who's with me?!
Locke: Meh, why not?
Sayid: It's not like I've gotten anything to do since Shannon died besides shove bamboo under people's fingernails and stare at giant feet…
Danielle: ZOMG you guys my daughter is with the Others!!
Fans: (glare at Da Phoenix for this crucial plot point omission)
Kate: Ok, then you can come too on Operation Let's Rescue Jack!
Sawyer: (is sad that Kate can't make up her freakin' mind about who to love)
---
Charlie: C'mon Claire, let's have a romantic island picnic!
Sayid and Hurley: (remembering their own "romantic island picnics") NOOOOOOOOO, DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Desmond: (appears creepily out of the bushes) Why on earth would you do an innocent thing like have a picnic with your girlfriend when you can come kill wild animals with me all day, brotha?
Charlie: …Why would I do that when I can feed Claire grapes and help her catch seagulls?
Desmond: I know how you're going to die, remember?
Charlie: Oh yeah. Sorry babe, you're on your own.
Charlie and Claire's Relationship: (is strained due to this whole impending death thing)
---
(Locke, Sayid, Kate, and Danielle come across a house in the middle of the jungle)
Mikhail: 'Sup fools. I'm definitely not one of the Others, just the l'il old Dharma Initiative!
Sayid: Yeah RIGHT!! (kidnaps Mikhail)
Danielle: (suddenly homicidal) Let's kill him.
Sayid: (spacing out due to flashback with moral of forgiveness) Nah, let's keep him alive. Wow Mikhail, you've sure got a great house with satellite TV…
House: KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!
Kate: OMG WTF LOCKE?!?!?
Locke: Don't blame me! The computer told me to do it!
Sayid: Well, whatever. Just don't do it again!
Locke: (not listening) OMG you guys, there's towers! (shoves Mikhail in between them)
Mikhail: (spazzes out and dies)
Danielle: There we go! I mean, OMG WTF LOCKE?!?!?
Kate: Less talky, more rescue Jacky! (sees Jack playing football with the Others) OMG WTF JACK?!?!?
Jack: (cured from insanity) What the hell Kate. I told you not to rescue me.
Kate: (in tears) I didn't know you meant it…
Jack: Well, this time I'm going to escape all the way back to Los Angeles, so you'd BETTER not try to rescue me from there…
Kate: (cries)
---
Locke: 'Mkay Ben, I'm going to use your daughter to help me blow some more stuff up.
Ben: (in a wheelchair thanks to Jack's stupid PLAN) God, Locke, I had no idea you were such a pyro. Well ok. C'mere Alex, come help the nice crazy daddy-issues-having bald hunter ex-cripple!
Alex: (looks exactly like Rousseau) You're such a weird daddy.
Locke: Sweet, another character with daddy issues! (blows up submarine)
Jack: Oh yay, I'm so excited to go back to L.A. with all the movie stars and the flush toilets… (sees wreckage of submarine) OMG WTF LOCKE?!?!?
Locke: Uh… the computer told me to do it?
Juliet: You've GOT to be kidding me…
Locke: Um ok… I'm on heroin plane heroin?
Jack: (stern) Locke…
Locke: Daddy issues?
Jack: Locke!
Locke: Ok FINE! I blew up the submarine because it displeased the island! WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LEAVE NOW!!!! THE ISLAND HAS SPOKEN!!!!!
Jack: NOW who's the crazy?
Juliet: (tries not to drool too much)
Locke: The crisis of faith is OVAH!!!!!
---
Norman and Sharona: (get paralyzed)
Hurley: Aw maaaan, they're dead. We'll miss you, Nikki and Paolo.
Sawyer: Who?
Hurley: You know, those two redshirts.
Charlie: Nope, not ringing a bell…
Hurley: Those two bodies right there?
Sun: Never seen them before in my life.
Norman and Sharona: Maybe they'd know who we are if you'd call us by our proper names!!!!! (get buried alive)
Da Phoenix: Well that was tragic… and pointless…
---
(Kate and Juliet get handcuffed in the jungle together)
Kate: OMG what's going on?!? (mud wrestles with Juliet)
Juliet: Well, Ben's into kinky threesomes- I mean, mind games. (unhandcuffs and leads Kate back to Others City)
Sayid: Bad news, kids. The Others are gone, and Locke went with them.
Jack: What is UP with that guy this season? Oh well. Juliet's coming with us because she's hot.
Juliet: (cuddles)
Kate: (cries) But she doesn't KNOW you like I do!!
Juliet: I know his middle name, his Social Security Number, his mom's maiden name, his birthday, his street address, the fact that HE WAS MARRIED, and his favorite type of spinal surgery. Can YOU say that????
Kate: Uh…
Jack: Plus we've got the same first initial… we're soul mates! (beams at Juliet)
Kate: (starts looking for Karl, since they share a first initial)
---
Hurley: Ok Sawyer, since all the other crazy hero guys are gone, dead, or busy predicting Charlie's death, YOU'RE the new leader! I'm going to con you into being nice!
Sawyer: Oh man Hugo, you got me real good. Ever consider a career as a Mr. Sawyer?
Hurley: You're kidding, right? How am I going to seduce women with a physique like this? (indicates lard)
Jack: I'm back, everyone! And I brought a friend! (indicates Juliet)
Everyone: OMG WTF JACK! She's one of the Others!!
Juliet: No really, I'm nice! Let me save Claire to prove it!
Claire: I'm getting in an inordinate amount of danger lately, aren't I?
Juliet: Haha, just kidding, everyone! I'm really a manipulative little bitch!
Jack: (not listening) Ohhhhh my daddy issues are such a pain in the life.
Claire: Tell me about it. My stupid daddy, not being around until my mom got put in a freaking coma. Curse you, Christian Shepard!!!
Jack: OMG CHRISTIAN SHEPARD?!? …That's a nice name. Manly and… ironic…
Jack and Claire's True Relationship: (will probably never be discovered)
---
Desmond: (gets ANOTHER vision of Charlie dying) I give up. C'mon brotha, let's go on a camping trip through the jungle!
Jin: Camping! (grins)
Hurley: You speak English?!
Jin: Hajama.
Charlie: Whoops, false alarm. (guitar gets arrowed instead of his throat) Goddammit Desmond, you killed my guitar!!
Desmond: Oh whatever. You're going to die by the end of the season anyway. (sees parachute woman) OMG WTF it's my GF!! I'm coming Penny!!! (rescues her)
Naomi: (is not Penny)
Charlie: Or not…
Hurley: I wonder what Jack's up to now that he's back… probably something uber-heroic…
(meanwhile)
Sawyer: Hey Doc, let's play ping-pong!
Jack: For Kate?
Sawyer: (nods)
Jack: To the DEATH?!
Sawyer: (nods)
Jack: I accept!
Hurley: Or not…
---
Juliet: Hey, guess what, Sun? Pregnancy is a death sentence here! So it's time for the Fortress of Estrogen Part 2, what what!
Sun: Hm… would I rather be a dead faithful wife or an alive whore?
Juliet: Good news! You're a dead faithful wife!
Sun: Yay! …Wait.
Juliet: (to tape) 'Sup Ben? Sun's preggers and maybe Kate is too. You suck, BTW.
---
Mikhail: (is not dead) 'Sup guys? (saves Naomi)
Naomi: OMG WTF you guys?!? You're all supposed to be dead!
Mikhail: Yeah, I know, the electric fence thing really hurts…
Naomi: No no no, I mean that your plane crashed!
Hurley: What are you, new?
Jin: Check out her sweet phone thingy! Er, I mean, hajama?
Charlie: OMG WE CAN FINALLY ORDER PIZZA!!!!!!!!!!
Desmond: And I can call my GF Penny for hours and hours and hours! …or we can try to get rescued. Yeah, that might work too…
---
Ben: So, I bet you love this island because it's the one place where your daddy can't find you, right?
Locke: Yeah, pretty much.
Locke's Daddy: (OMG IS ON THE ISLAND!!!!!!)
Locke: Curse you, Benry!!! You ruined the island's magical awesomeness!
Ben: Like I care! I'M IN A FRIGGIN' WHEELCHAIR HERE!!!! Now come say hi to Jacob!
Jacob: (doesn't exist)
Locke: Um, now you're crazy too?
Ben: (sputters) NO! Whatever, you're boring. I'ma kill you now. (shoots)
Locke: (is left for dead in a pit full of bodies)
---
Charlie: So Desmond, I'm really going to die?
Desmond: (annoyed) YES!!!!!!!
Charlie: Ok fine. Let's go to the middle-of-the-ocean hatch then, because then the phone will work and Claire can order the peanut butter pizza she's always wanted.
Desmond: You crazy, brotha?! I can't let you die!
Charlie: But it's FOR THE GREATER GOOD!!!! (knocks out Desmond and goes to underwater hatch)
2 girls: OMG WTF IT'S A HOBBIT!!!!!! (beat him up)
Charlie: I love you too? But not as much as Claire!
Charlie and Claire's Relationship: (is doomed, but too cute for words)
2 girls: (die somehow)
Mikhail: (pops up) WTF you smelly little hobbit!
Charlie: Mate, how the bollocks do you do that?!?
Mikhail: It's obvious, isn't it? I'm a zombie!
Charlie: Dot dot dot!
---
Naomi: M'kay guys, let's go get rescued now!
Sun: (doesn't want to die) Hooray!
Kate: OMG I might be preggers?!? Sawyer can't pay child support! He can't even catch our baby a fish!!!!
Sawyer: (moping sexily) Aw maaaan, my baby mama loves Jack. (pout pout)
Hurley: Bummer, dude. Guess your kid's gonna have daddy issues too, huh? Speaking of which, I found some legit ones of my own!!
Sayid: And that makes you like, special or something?
Sawyer: Hey, if you were about 300 pounds lighter then you could be a cowboy like me! After all, all the best cowboys have daddy issues!
Jack: Whatever guys, let's go to the radio tower… or something… (kisses Juliet)
Juliet: Ooh, that was hot!
Jack: (spacing out) …Sorry, I was having a flashback. Or a flashforward… whatever…
---
Desmond: (enters underwater hatch) How many of these things ARE there? (sees Mikhail) How many times do I have to kill you, brotha- I mean, jerkface?! (spear guns)
Mikhail: (might actually be dead this time)
Charlie: Whatever, time for me to be a hero! (enters Beach Boys code)
Monitor: OMG Desmond's such a hottie! I wish I could see him again…
Desmond: Ooh Charlie, I had no idea you swung that way.
Charlie: It's not me, it's your GF Penny! (to Penny) Oy Penny, thanks for the boat!
Penny: OMG WTF what boat?!
Desmond: PENNY!!!!!!! (runs to room in slow motion)
Charlie: (slams door)
Desmond: (runs into door) WTF BROTHA?!?
Charlie: Sorry, but Mikhail's about to kill me!
Mikhail: (refuses to die) Die, smelly hobbit! (grenades porthole)
Charlie: Desmond… Penny's not comiiiiiiing… (drowns)
Da Phoenix: (might never watch the show again)
---
Locke: (singing off-key) All that I know is I'm… breeeathing…. All we can do is keep breeeeeathinggggg!!!!
Walt: Dude, you should never sing again.
Locke: Walt! Waaalt!!!!
Walt: Yup, that's me. Listen up, you got to get out of this smelly dead people pit and go save your friends. Oh, and you're a retard for opening the hatch.
Locke: (proudly) Tell me something I don't know! (gets up)
---
Jack: (singing) Well walk it out! Now walk it out! Now walk it out! Now walk it out! West side walk it out!
Ben: (pops up) OMFG quit the singing! We need to talk about Naomi. She's not who she says she is.
Jack: Hmm, sound familiar, BITCH?!?
Ben: Nope, not really. Now promise that you won't leave the island, or else we'll kill Bernard, Sayid, and Jin.
Jack: OMG WTF YOU HAVE THEM?!?
Ben: Um… yeah… they tried to blow us up, so we kidnapped them. All because we followed Juliet's instructions…
Jack: OMG WTF JULIET'S ON YOUR SIDE?!?!?
Ben: Yeah, that ho. (sounds of Bernard, Sayid, and Jin being shot over walkie-talkie)
Fans: OMG WTF THE THREE BEST LIVING CHARACTERS!!!!!!!!!
Jack: You SUCK!! This relationship is OVER!!!! (storms away) C'mon guys, let's get our asses rescued! And JULIET! Maybe she shouldn't be my GF after all… 'sup, Kate?
---
(Sayid, Jin, and Bernard aren't really dead)
Sawyer: C'mon Juliet, let's go rescue them!
Juliet: Um… how?
Sawyer: I have NO IDEA…
Hurley: (saves the day with his Volkswagen bus) See? My car plotline was really important after all!
Sawyer: Yeah, whatever. Road trip!!! (everyone hops in)
---
Alex: 'Sup guys? Anyone seen Karl around? (sees Danielle)
Danielle: OH MY BABY!!!!! (hugs)
Alex: Aaaaawkwaaaaaardddd…
Naomi: Yay, we're at the radio tower! Now alls we need to do is… (knife in back)
Locke: (having obviously just thrown knife) I still got it!
Jack: OMG WTF LOCKE?!?!? Do you not want to get rescued or something?!
Locke: Is it that obvious?
Jack: Well screw you, the phone thingy worked!!
Phone: We're coming, Jackypoo!!!
Locke and Future Jack: BAD JUJU!!!!!!!
L-O-S-T
Yeah, the whole Norman and Sharona thing? Those were the MUCH COOLER names I gave Nikki and Paolo before I knew they had official names. And when I found out their names weren't really Norman and Sharona, I almost died. So, sorry for any confusion.
Isn't this sad? The parody can't be updated until next May:( So until next time, kids, eat your vegetables, look out for the Others, and REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!