Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I said I wasn't going to update until the end of the season... or that I was going to do anything until I finished my other Harry Potter angst story... but we all know I'm a bigger liar than Benjamin Linus, so... yeah. (Not really.) It just got so freaking long that I decided to cut season 4 in half, and then I got sick of revising it so I'm posting it. Sue me! (Don't really sue me.) Season 4 has been kind of the most awesome thing EVER, so mocking it hurt my feelings a little bit. (Especially mocking "The Constant". Desmond might be my new favorite character - who's still alive. Because Charlie will ALWAYS be my favorite. And I will NEVER forgive the show for killing him off!!)
This chapter, obviously, covers everything up to the end of "Meet Kevin Johnson," so I'm all caught up until the show comes back in two weeks! Yaaaaaay!! And since I included the flashforwards this time, that's probably why it's so long. The flashforwards are in italics, and all the characters are labeled like, "Future Kate" and stuff, so hopefully it's not confusing! Enjoy, crazy fans o' mine/Lost. :)
Disclaimer: Still not mine. Though I do own all 3 seasons on DVD, an officer title in the Facebook group that refuses to accept Charlie's death, and... um... my brain? As I said above, don't sue me. Please.
Future Mangoes: (are vastly misleading)
Future Police: How dare you knock over that misleading L.A. pile o' mangoes with your car, you sick bastard?! (have high-speed car chase)
Future Hurley: (as he's being led away) You can't arrest me! I'M ONE OF THE OCEANIC SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIX!!
Fans: (start vast circular and largely uninformed debate on who the Oceanic 6 are, even long after we know who all of them are)
--
Jack: Oh boy Kate! (singsong) We're finally getting off this islaaaaaaaaaaaand!! (spirit fingers)
Kate: (blinks, but decides to ignore Jack's sudden gay behavior) Well, we've got about three more seasons to go before the end of the series, but…
Jack: (interrupting) Yeah! This is great, everybody!
Everybody: w00t!
Locke: (has mysteriously vanished… again)
Desmond: (washing up on shore) Guys! Charlie's dead!
Da Phoenix: Don't remind me! (sobs hysterically)
Hurley: My best friend's dead? Whatevs. Now let's go meet Jack!
Desmond: And he said "Not Penny's boat…"
Hurley: Dude, seriously? The almost-striking writers barely focused on this devastating loss, so I suggest you let! it! go!
Desmond: Okay… br-brutha. (misses Charlie)
(they meet Jack and his people in the jungle)
Claire: Yo, where my man at?!
Hurley: Oh, he dead. I suggest you let it go, since none of us are ever going to see him again.
Meanwhile, in the future, Hurley keeps seeing Charlie. He's still dead (sob sob), but still.
Dead Charlie: They need you, Hugo!
Future Hurley: Dude, since when have you called me "Hugo"?
Dead Charlie: Ha, since when have you called me………… Whatever! You have to go back, Hugo. You have to go baaaaack!
Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: Pffft, no we don't. Hey, I've been thinking about growing a beehive beard!
Future Hurley: (kicking his ass at basketball) Dude, that is sooooooooooooo not a good look for you.
Locke: (pops up) You totally can't go with these freighter people! They're evil!
Jack: No, they're going to get us rescued!
Locke: That's what makes them evil, dumbass!
Everyone: Ugh, we're conflicted!
Jack: Choose! Rescue… or being stuck on the island with the crazy jungle man?
Locke: We have VCRs and chicken!
Jack: Oh yeah? Well, we have, um… sand…
(Claire, Aaron, Hurley, Sawyer, Rousseau, Karl, Alex, and Ben go with Locke, as well as several redshirts that will probably die in the upcoming "war")
Locke: Wait. Rose, why aren't you coming with me? Don't you think your cancer will come back if you leave this maaaaaagical island?
Rose: (in her biannual appearance) I'm not going ANYWHERE with you, crazy man.
Locke: But… but Rose! Think of what we have!! (tears up)
Bernard: (defensively) And what might that be, Rose? Huh? Huh? What's the deal with you and him, huh Rose? Huh? Ya going to tell me? What? Huh?
Rose: Oh, can it, darling. Don't blow your annual appearance.
Sawyer: (turning around) Kate, you coming with me?
Jack: (looking sad) Kate?
Sawyer: Kate?
Jack: Kate?
Sawyer: Kate?
Jack: Kate?
Kate: (makes slack-jawed "contemplative" face) AN: Think Meredith Grey when she was trying to choose between Derek and Finn.
Jack: (close to tears) You know Kate, if we can't live together-- I'm going to die alone!
Kate: (sighs heavily) Fine. But I expect you to be a good boy and stay out of the cookie jar. You know how hyper they make you.
Jack: But what if I'm huuuuuuuuuungry??
Kate: NO. COOKIE. (goes with him)
Sawyer's Heart: (breaks)
Juliet: Um, what about me-
Jack: (over her, obliviously) Whaaaaaaaat? (blows past her)
Sawyer: (to Juliet) You know, if you wanted, we could complete the love square by hooking up randomly.
Juliet: (shaking head) Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-maybe. (goes back to beach)
--
Daniel: (crashes on the island with suspicious gas masks) Yo, what up? Ready to be, uh… rescued?
Jack: (unsuspicious of him) Hell yeah we are!!
Kate: Why do you have gas masks?
Daniel: To make you suspicious of us, of course.
Miles: (jumping out of the jungle and being all Rambo) Hell yeah we're suspicious!
Charlotte: (meeting up with the Locke Lot) Hey guys!!
Ben: (shoots her)
Charlotte: (somehow had the foresight to wear a bulletproof vest) WTF MAN?!
Locke: You Freighteries are weird!
Claire: (whispering) "Freighteries"?
Locke: Hey, shut up! No one questioned when we called those other freaks the "Tailies"! Now let's go visit my BFF Jacob!
Claire: You mean, that guy who doesn't exist?
Ben: (sagely) When you are ready to see Jacob, Jacob will appear.
Locke: You're an idiot. Because he was totally in that house with the white ash around it…
(there is no house near the circle of white ash)
Hurley: Um, dude, actually, he's Jack's dad and he lives in some weird cabin that moves around when you least expect it to.
Karl: I thought he was a physical manifestation of the Island. Maybe God.
Ben: No, he's my imaginary friend!
Locke: (giggling) Hey guys, maybe I'm Jacob! (imitating Jacob) Help meeeeeeee…
(crickets)
Locke: (scowls) Fine, let's go on a panty raid to the Others' bungalows-slash-just move into their houses.
Da Phoenix: I still say Jacob doesn't exist. But then, I also thought Smokey was a robot and that Charlie would survive, so what do I know?
Alex: (as they walk) Maybe Karl's waiting for us at the barracks!
Karl: (behind her) I'm right here, Alex! You already found me last season and sent me here to warn everyone…
Alex: (over him) I haven't seen him in such a long time!
Karl: …And I was a hero because I tipped off the fact that the Others were going to attack the beach camp…
Alex: (singing wistfully) …It's almost like you're heeeeeere wiiiiiiith meeeeeee, although we're far apaaaaaaaaaart…
Karl: …And your dad stole my gun to try to kill Charlotte just now… Alex! Are you listening to me?!
Alex: (looking up with a tear in her eye) Oh Karl, how I miss thee! I look up at the stars and see all our dorky constellations, and I miss you!
Karl: (insistently) Aaaaaaaaaaalex!!
Rousseau: Just ignore her, Karl. 16 years living with Ben has made her a little crazy.
Da Phoenix: Well, that, or your genes, Rousseau.
--
Frank: Guess what? All us freighter folk have sketchy pasts!
Jack: Join the club. Although technically, to get into our exclusive club, you need to have documentation of daddy issues somewhere in your murky pasts… do you??
Miles: You mean sketchy pasts. Um, maybe. The writers haven't decided yet. And they're on strike, so who knows when they'll find the time to decide?
Frank: We most likely do somehow though, since everyone else on this show has some kinda daddy issues.
Daniel: (suddenly whining) Miiiiiiiiles!
Miles: Ugh, what do you want, you weirdo physicist?
Daniel: (tearing up) I miss Chaaaaaaaarlotte…
Sayid: Wow, you're obnoxious. Miles, let's go get this Charlotte person from the psychopath who lives on the other side of the island.
Miles: (is a sketchball)
Kate: I'll go with youse! See ya Jack… (blows him a kiss)
Jack: (oblivious to her "advances") Ooh, Daniel has shiny equipment!
Daniel: (does freaky time experiments involving missiles and stopwatches)
Jack: (weirded out) Um… does he always do that?
Frank: (oblivious to weirdness of Daniel's behavior) Do what?
(In the background, Daniel yells, "31 MINUTES!!" and runs around in circles, eventually hitting his head on his equipment and collapsing)
--
Claire: (cheerfully) Kate! How are you? So glad you could visit… Do you want some coffee?
Kate: Um… sure… shouldn't you be grieving for Charlie or something?
Claire: Yeah, probably, but the almost-striking writers didn't give me any scenes in which to do that.
Charlie and Claire's Relationship: (has died silently, much like Charlie himself…)
Da Phoenix's Computer: (gets fried as her tears soak into the keyboard)
Claire: Anyway, you want to hold Aaron for a moment?
Kate: Nah, I don't want your baby.
Meanwhile, in the future, Kate has kidnapped Claire's baby.
Future Kate: Hey, she did say I should try parenthood!
Future Da Phoenix: I'm pretty sure she didn't mean with HER KID, though.
Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: (in court) Kate's a hero! She saved eight of us, but then two died…
Future Kate: Stop! You can't tell these lies in court, you stupid almost-beardy face!
Future, um… Judge: Whatevs. You're cleared of all charges, Kate, because even though you blew up your dad, saving people's lives in a plane crash makes up for everything!
Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: I don't want to see Aaron for some reason.
Future Kate: Fine. I guess you'll just be ambiguous for ambiguousness…s sake.
Future Non-Beehive-Bearded Jack: How's this for un-ambiguity: I love you!
Future Kate: And I still can't make up my mind, even when Sawyer's not in the picture!
Sawyer: (walking up) Hey, Freckles.
Kate: (overjoyed) Sawyer! (kisses him multiple times all over his beautiful face)
Sayid: There is no time for love triangle flip-flopping right now, Kate. Locke, just give me dang Charlotte already!
Locke: Fine, but I get to keep the mouthy, sketchy wannabe Ghostbuster.
Sayid: Deal.
(they both hock, spit into their hands, and shake)
Locke: (still shaking hands with Sayid) Don't trust anything Ben says, by the way.
Sayid: Pffft. I'd rather sell my soul to the devil than work for that guy.
Meanwhile, in the future, Sayid is working as a mercenary for Ben.
Future Sayid: So, I end up selling my soul to the devil?
Future Ben: Well, to me, but yeah.
Future Sayid: Anyway, time for me to be ambiguous. The economist! Is! Not! An! Economist!!
Future Da Phoenix: (indifferent to this "economist" development) Oooooookeaaaaaaaaayyyyy.
Kate: Okay, now that he's your prisoner, I really, really, really want to talk to Miles, even though I kind of had the chance to do so on the way over here.
Locke: Yeah, keep dreaming, Kate.
Kate: (kidnaps Miles and brings him to Ben's prison room)
Miles: (to Ben) You know we Freighteries are here for you, right?
Ben: And not to rescue everyone? Yeah, I got that much. Did you also know I have a man on your boat (coughMICHAELcough)?!
Miles: (pleasantly surprised) No, I didn't know that.
Ben: Yeah, just providing essential background information to the readers who are going to get on Da Phoenix's case later for not saying anything in the relevant part of the parody.
Fans: Yeah, except you still stuck it in the wrong part…
Da Phoenix: (fixes duct tape to the mouths of all the people who expect her to remain faithful to the stuff she's mocking)
Miles: Okay, cool beans. So, if you give me 3.2 million dollars, I'll lie to my boss and say that you're already dead.
Ben: Um, I'm a prisoner on a freaking island. How am I going to get money?
Miles: You tell me, Man of a Thousand Passports.
Kate: Bus-ted! (pushes Miles against a wall) Now… who am I??
Miles: Um, duh. You're Kate.
Kate: (releases him, disappointed) Crap. You know my name.
Miles: Basically, we know everything. We're like the Others were last season, except wayyyyyyy sketchier.
Locke: (bursting in) Kate! How dare you kidnap the person I rightfully imprisoned? You're banished!
Sawyer: Well, I un-banish you. (smiles heartbreakingly at her)
Kate: Oh Sawyer! (bats eyelashes) And I'm not pregnant.
Sawyer: (pumping fist) Score!
Kate: (suddenly upset) You suck! (runs off to Jack's camp)
Sawyer: (yelling after her) What? If you got pregnant here, you would die! Was your brain turned off last season? Aren't you paying attention to Sun's current plotline?
Kate: (is already gone)
Sawyer's Heart: (clearly belongs to the wrong woman. Not that there's a whole lot of women on this island to begin with.)
Locke: (back in sketchy lake cabin) Okay Miles, talk! Just talk!
Miles: I-
Locke: Shut up! (shoves a LIVE GRENADE in his MOUTH)
Miles: (will be like that for pretty much the next four episodes or so, since the almost-striking writers clearly forgot about him)
Hurley: Psych-o-path.
--
Sayid: (coming back to the helicopter with Charlotte) Mkay Jack, here's your stupid annoying British archaeologist who found polar bears in the desert. Can I please be the first one off the island now?
Jack: "May" I, Sayid. Just because English isn't your first language, that's no excuse for using impolite syntax.
Sayid: (sighs heavily) May I please be the first one off the island?
Jack: Why sure!
Desmond: (walking up) Can I go for a ride in the pretty helicopter too??
Jack: Well, I was hoping to leave this island eventually, maybe grow a beehive beard, get addicted to some kind of nondescript pills and desperately try to get back here…
Desmond: Whatever, I don't need your permission. You ain't the boss of me! I wasn't on the plane with you! (climbs into helicopter)
Frank: Room for one more…
Jack: Score! (tries to climb in but…)
Sayid: (pulls Naomi's rotting carcass into helicopter) Suckaaaaaaaaa!!
(they take off and fly to the pretty freighter through the pretty thunderstorm when…)
Desmond: Agh! Who are you people?!
Sayid: Desmond's gone crazy!
Frank: Ohhhh God. I've seen this before. His consciousness will go back and forth between now and like eight years ago until… BOOM! He gets a nosebleed and dies!
Desmond: You've seen this before?!
Frank: Eleven times, as a matter of fact. Oh, look at that! The freighter!
George Minkowski: (sketch) Ooh, the pretty Ferris wheel!! Just call Daniel, he'll fix you up! Just like he fixed me… (gets a nosebleed and dies)
Desmond: (frantic, on the phone) Hello, Daniel, I- what? Happened before? Eleven times?! Gah!!
Daniel: (on phone) 'S okay, Desmond. Just come visit me in the past and I'll fix you up!
Past Daniel: Oh yeah, you need a constant so your brain doesn't explode.
Desmond: PENNY!!
Past Daniel: …No, a penny would not make a good constant, since it could fall out of a hole in your pocket. Something like… a person, who exists both now and then… (bats eyes suggestively)
Desmond: I meant my girlfriend, idiot.
Past Daniel: Aw man! (hangs head in disappointment)
Desmond: (back on the boat) Okay Sayid, I need to call my GF Penny like NOW. Can you fix the phones?
Sayid: (looks at the destroyed control panel with a kajillion cut wires) Give me two minutes and a stick of gum, and we're in business. (takes the gum and chews it while fiddling with wires) DONE!
Desmond: Wait… why'd you need the gum, brutha? (misses Charlie)
Sayid: Because my breath is TERRIBLE. I ain't brushed my teeth in three months, brah! (snaps gum)
Desmond: Fair enough, Suddenly Ghetto Sayid. (calling Penny) Penny? Penny? Pick up, I need you to fix my brain!
Penny: (picks up) Desmond? You're alive!! Oh my God! I love you, even though when you left three years ago we weren't speaking to each other and I was going to marry some other dude!
Desmond: I love you too!!
(they both make kissing noises over the phone)
-SIX HOURS LATER-
Penny and Desmond: (are still making kissing noises)
Sayid: (slack-jawed, eyes glazing over out of boredom and disgust)
Penny: (flirtatiously) …You hang up first!
Desmond: (also flirtatiously) No, you hang up first!
Penny: No, you hang up first!
Desmond: No, you hang up first!
Penny: No, you hang up first!
Desmond: No, you hang up f- (dial tone)
Sayid: (holding disconnected battery in his hands) …Oops. (feigns innocence)
Desmond: 'S cool… brutha. (misses Charlie) Let's just hope that was enough to fix my brain!
Sayid: I'll say. 'Cause if it wasn't, I'll need to listen to another one of your saccharine conversations with the woman you love, while I'm forced to think of all the women I loved that the almost-striking writers ripped away from me tragically. (suddenly screams in anguish) SHANNON!!
Desmond: Dang, have you not had any sort of storyline since Shannon died? That was way back in season two, brutha! (misses Charlie)
Sayid: (screaming in anguish) NADIA!!
Desmond: Guess not.
Sayid: Thank God I become a shady missionary in the future… (Desmond gives him a weird look) Er, I mean mercenary. Shady mercenary.
Desmond: You seriously need a refresher course in English, don't you?
Sayid: Can it, Scotsman.
-MEANWHILE-
Daniel's Diary... I mean Scientific Journal: If anything goes wrong, Desmond Hume will be my constant.
Daniel: (hugs page to his heart with a dreamy look on his face)
--
Charlotte and Daniel: (sneak off giggling into the jungle in the dead of night)
Jack: Dang it, Jin, why didn't you do anything to stop them?!
Jin: (magically pretty good at English) Because you said they weren't suspicious people.
Jack: Well, I just decided to change my mind.
Juliet: They'll probably try to kill us all with poison gas, like Ben was planning to do!
Jack: Pffft, Ben killing people with poison gas. Like that would ever happen.
Dharma Initiative Purge: Ahem.
Jack: Anyhoo, we should try and stop them! Because Freighteries are sketchy!!
Juliet: "Freighteries"? Ugh, not you too…
Kate: (rubbing her head while on the ground) Charlotte knocked me out when I asked for directions to your camp!
Jack: So… you pick me?! (squees)
Kate: (disgusted) Ugh. Maybe. Though at this rate, I'm not sure I'll end up with either one of you, since Sawyer hates me and you're an idiot…
Juliet: (in the poison gas plant thing) What the hell are you guys doing?!
Daniel: Just saving the world! (pushes button)
Kelvin: (yelling from Dead Tertiary Character Purgatory) POSER!!
Poison Gas: (magically deactivated)
Juliet: Well, dang it, why didn't you just say you were going to do that before?
Charlotte: Because sneaking off giggling into the jungle in the dead of night was so much more fun.
Jack: Juliet, the way you negotiated that crisis was so awesome!! (randomly kisses her)
(Where has Kate gone during this scene?)
Jack: And the love square is solidified!
Julyer Ship: (doesn't exist)
Jack: Well, solidified-ish.
Juliet: Yeah, about that… Ben's kinda sorta obsessed with me. He installed cameras in my shower and weird shiz like that…
Jack: Damn it! I'm in a love pentagon with Benjamin Linus?!
--
Sun: I'm still pregnant!
Juliet: And you'll still die if you stay here!
Sun: Whatever, we're going to Locke's camp, since that Daniel Faraday is a major sketchball.
Juliet: Actually, I think you're thinking of Miles.
Miles: (still has a grenade in his mouth! Hellooooooooooo?)
Sun: Plus, we still don't trust you. Or the... Boaties.
Juliet: Okay, now they sound like "floaties".
Jin: Where Sun goes, I go. You'll never lose me, babe!
Meanwhile, in the future, Sun has gone somewhere without Jin. And has lost him, babe.
Future Sun: Aww, look at my little baby girl! Ji-Yeon is the most awesome name ever!
Future Hurley: Word.
(they stare sadly at Jin's gravestone)
Future Sun: (in Korean) I miss you so much, Jin!! But do I miss you because you're dead, or because you're still on the island?? Who knows? I'm being purposefully ambiguous!
Juliet: Jin, Sun had an affair with a rich bald guy.
Jin: OMG WTF LOCKE?!
Juliet: No no no, a RICH bald guy, back in Korea.
Jin: Cuh-rap! What an inconvenient time for me to become partially fluent in English!
Bernard: (in the fishing boat, monologuing with a redneck accent) Kaaaaaaarmaaaaa! I think that's something Carson Daly came up with… (pause, speaks normally) Plus it rhymes with "Dharma"!!
Internet Theorists: (seize on this circumstantial information and spin complex theories out of it)
Bernard: Ha ha! So much for an "annual" appearance! I've been in two of the last seven episodes, so suck it, Scott!
Steve: I'm STEVE, damn it!! Scott's been dead for like EVER!
Bernard: Really? You sure about that?
Steve: …No.
Sun: (crying) I'm so sorry, Jin-soo!
Jin: (smiling) That's okay. See, you were cheating on the past me, that jerkwad who would kill someone over stealing a taxi and destroying my crappy late 90's phone. The kid's mine though, right?
Sun: Oh, totally! We definitely established that last season!
Jin: (remembering) Oh yeah!
(gloriously romantic momeeeeeent!!)
Da Phoenix: (will seriously hurt someone if Jin actually dies. Claire too, for that matter.)
--
Ben: Hey Alex, you should "take" Danielle and Karl to the "temple," which is a "safe place" where none of you will get "shot at"!
Danielle: Even though I was the most paranoid character imaginable in season 1, and I absolutely hate you for stealing my daughter and keeping her captive for sixteen years, and you're a manipulative bastard whom no one should ever put their trust in, I trust you completely, Ben!
Plotholes: (are becoming more and more gaping as the series goes on)
Alex: Mom, you say "whom"?? And when did we even find Karl?
Karl: (screaming right behind her) I'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE FREAKING TIME!!
Alex: (having just spotted him, overjoyed) Karl! (glomps)
Fans: (loudly protest Da Phoenix's inaccuracy, but protesting is muffled by duct tape)
Da Phoenix: (cupping hand over her ear, grinning) What? What's that? I can't hear you.
Miles: Oh, and I magically got the grenade out of my mouth without blowing myself up!
Hurley: That's weird.
Miles: Well, gots to keep me around. I'm a sketchy character who talks to ghosts! (grins)
Hurley: (Jim Halpert-like deadpan stare into the camera)
Damon Lindelof: Hey, cut that out, Jorge! This ain't no mockumentary sitcom! And you are nowhere near as hot as John Krasinski!
Da Phoenix: Sorry, wrong show I'm obsessed with.
--
Sayid: (spitting out food) Ugh! Lima beans?! Lima beans are disgusting!! This is what I used to feed to my torture victims! To torture them!
Desmond: (deadpan) Wow. Now your character has been meaningfully developed in the following way: you hate lima beans. Riveting.
Sayid: Hey, shut up! At least I have a mysterious flashforward story, so that some time in the future my character will actually contribute to a storyline in a meaningful way that doesn't involve torture, electronics, pining for some whiny rich girl, or lima beans!
Note: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL- ahem. Don't trust the captain!
Captain: Ben staged the Oceanic wreck! Some'n 'bout a saboteur (coughMICHAELcough). Oh, and I work for Penny's evil dad.
Desmond: Say WHAT?!
Regina: (randomly commits suicide)
Captain: Yeah, no big! Sometimes us Freighteries just gots to get our freak on! Anyway, come meet our resident turncoat/janitor! (calling) Oh Keeeeeeeeeeeeeevinnnnnnnnnn…
Kevin Johnson: (is actually secretly MICHAEL!!)
Da Phoenix: (sarcastic) Oh really? Michael? None of us saw that coming, since Harold Perrineau's name was definitely not in the credits for the past seven episodes. Yup. Oh wow, Lost producers, what an unexpected twist. You're really killing me here. I think I'm going to keel over from a heart attack and die, from that surprise. Who would have guessed that Michael would make a "shocking" reappearance? You really know how to keep surprise guests a secret. Mmhmm.
Michael: (trying to be chipper) Um… hi guys!
Sayid: (glare glare)
Desmond: (has never met Michael) Hi, I'm Desmond. I don't believe we've had the pleasure… (extends hand to shake)
Sayid: (slapping Desmond's hand out of the way) Hey! Do not be nice to him, he brings death everywhere he goes! Whenever he shows up after a long absence, two people end up getting shot!
Desmond: I really think you're overreacting, brutha. (misses Charlie)
(Meanwhile, back on the island, Karl and Danielle get shot)
Almost-Striking Writers: We can't have a Daniel and a Danielle! That'd be too confusing! Just like having a Charlie and a Charlotte would have been confusing…
Da Phoenix: THAT'S WHY YOU GIVE THE NEW CHARACTERS VERY DIFFERENT NAMES, MORONS!! (mutters) Seriously, if that's the reason you killed Charlie, I'll be pissed.
Michael: Whatever. So you guys, I have a crazy flashback story! I told WAAAAALT about killing Ana Lucia and Libby and he got really sad, partly because I killed two people, but mostly because I left Vincent behind on the island, and so he went to live with my mom and dead Libby was stalking me and then I tried to kill myself but Tom came and was all, "No way man! You have to work for Ben and go to Fiji to be a saboteur on a sketchy freighter!"
Desmond: Who the bloody hell are all these people?!
Michael: (ignoring him) Yeah, plus he says some guy named Widmore's responsible for staging the wreck? Oh, and Tom's gay. (giggles immaturely) Anyway, and then Ben told me to blow up the freighter but the bomb was just a fake with a funny flag saying "Gotcha!" Plus there was some random crap about another optimistic Mama Cass song…
Desmond: Darn straight!! (tries to pound fists with Michael for having similar taste in music)
Michael: (still ignoring him) So I just decided to rip up all the radio equipment and mess up the engine.
Desmond: So… you've been sabotaging everything on the ship?
Michael: (proudly) Naturally!
Sayid: (shouting) Saboteur! Saboteur! (drags Michael to the captain) I found the saboteur! (to Michael) I'm going to kill you for real. This game, this mind game you've been playing for four seasons - I mean, three months - is over. Now, I'm really going to shoot you. Now, where can I get a gun?!
Fans: (ripping off duct tape) Ow. God, Da Phoenix, quit trying to fit references from The Office into this parody!
Da Phoenix: But it fits so well!
Fans: No it doesn't!
Da Phoenix: (gets out the duct tape again and slaps more over their mouths) Silence, infidels!
-BACK ON THE ISLAND-
Alex: (scared crapless) Don't shoot me! I'm Ben's daughter! Except for not really, since he's not my real father.
(people come rustling out of the bushes)
Alex: YOU?! OMG! I can't believe it, it's-
Narrator: We interrupt this parody for a brief WRITER'S STRIIIIIIIIKE!!