Darkness That Lies Within
Taratron and Onyxfang, 2009
There's something sweet and almost kind
But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined
And now he's dear and so unsure
I wonder why I didn't see it there before
She glanced this way, I thought I saw
And when we touched she didn't shudder at my paw
No, it can't be I'll just ignore
But then she's never looked at me that way before
New and a bit alarming
Who'd have ever thought that this could be?
True that he's no Prince Charming
But there's something in him that I simply didn't see
Beauty and the Beast, Something There, 1991
Like a son taking in by the wind
Everybody wants to give in
Something about a second chance
Can't you help me out?
If I could love you
If I could love you
If I could love you
Through the wind I can feel
Through the trees I can steal
But you never ever want to see my way
But we're here in the dark and the dogs starting to bark
Cause I'm selfish and you'll never get your way, it's okay
If I could love
If I could love
If I could love
Somethings going on in me that you never wanna see
I think somethings wrong with you
But you know that I love you
You don't seem to be around even when everything's going down
Why don't you wanna feel my pain?
If I could love you…
Puddle of Mudd, If I Could Love You, 2007
***
For Laserbeak, each day blended into the next; the mantis allowed her out of her cell a few times a day to stretch herself, but otherwise she remained locked up. The few times she made any sound larger than a whisper, her voice box was shut off for hours, and if she dared make any sounds when mute, her eyesight was turned off for the remainder of whatever the mantis' task at hand was. He had not touched her since the first day, but after three days of silence from him, perhaps even rage from her master was better than his neglect....though once a day he always left her a box of energon, with a new disc or two, sometimes only of pictures and images, other times small things to read....by midday of her fourth day of captivity, the mantis seemed in an odd, almost happy mood as he moved around his lab; her box of food was due any moment...
The cage was uncomfortably cramp in bot mode but a little less so in beast mode so at the moment she hung upside down rather like a bat, her wings folded around her, her claws hooked around one of the bars that made up the roof of the cage, studying the two names on the floor, now with a couple more added to them. Still they held little meaning to her that she understood and yet much. So much. If only she could access the damaged section of her processor which withheld the memories of life before planet fall she was certain it would all make sense.
The door to her room opened, and the shadow of her silent master fell over the names, her cage, herself, and he strode in, humming slightly, and, as usual, dropped her slim box between the bars, pushing it in lightly with a foot, and he looked at her, truly seemed to remember she was present, optics almost warm. "Enjoying the benefits of gravity, slave?"
She blinked her green eyes, uncertain if she was to speak, and then nodded quickly. She was a fast learner and did not fancy having her vocalizer disabled, or, worse, removed.
"Speak."
"I think best in this position, master. It seems to suit my beast mode well," she replied softly.
"Speak honestly, always, slave. Are your quarters decent?" Well, decent in cleanliness, but not size...
She considered her words carefully, "They are all that I have earned as of yet, master."
"I enjoy the humility in your words, slave....you have learned quickly with your voice and optics that I am to be obeyed. And you did not make a mistake once yesterday...."
Her luminous green eyes brightened, "Then may I be allowed out?" Her smile faded quickly and she looked down, focusing on the bottom of the cage. "Master…excuse my presumptions…"
He looked at her steadily; perhaps she would suffer blindness for a full day for her words! And instead, after a long pause, he smiled, a glimpse, a true smile, a glimpse of someone beyond her cold and hateful master, and he unlocked the door, opening it for her. "Come out."
She blinked then dropped down and transformed stepping out hesitantly. Even though she expected a mood swing at any click she found she liked his smile. It sent a pleasant pulsing through her spark, akin to a tingle.
He did not block her path, but let her step out fully, watching with a small smile. "Yes, slave....better?"
"Yes, thank you, master…" she murmured, smiling hesitantly. His mannerisms, kind as they were, were unnerving. She should have been concerned for her survival that he was contemplating her destruction at least, she thought, but Laserbeak was by nature a forgiving and optimistic sort. That played together well with her recent training sessions, reforming her mind set that she had no right to hold a grudge for her prior treatment. After all, she belonged to him to do with as he willed. So rather than dreading the outcome of this new mood, she welcomed it, if nervously. If her master were truly happy, then she should be happy as well.
"Good. Now eat, slave....I will be back soon, and then we have plans." He stepped from the room, closing the door behind him, leaving her alone, out of her cage....
She blinked, but of course before she could ask he was gone. The young femme sat silently, recharging and fueling her system. At one point following the absorption of her last energon fragment, she paused, noticing a peculiar mark on her bot mode's right hand. She rubbed at it but it seemed embedded into the metal. Hmmm. She brought her hand closer to her face, studying the seemingly pattern less design engraved into her palm. But it had to have some meaning...
How long he had been standing there, watching her, she might never know, but there was a purposeful clink of his foot on the ground, and there he was, in the doorway, watching her with narrowed optics....he had seen her staring at her hand!
Her optics flickered rapidly, and then she quickly rubbed her hand against her leg armor as if some dust or contamination had settled into the creases and joints that she was tying to get rid of as she rose quickly to her feet. Manterror was not fooled, but he made no comment on the matter.
"Come with me," he said; he did not order her to remain silent, or at his side; he knew she would know that already. And he led her from the room, down a long hallway at the back of his lab, the air growing thinner in places, and very very hot...and after a trek that went forever, he activated something on his comm, and the end of the tunnel, all heavy and hot rock, parted, revealing open air....they were outside Darkside!
Unaccustomed to the sudden presence of such light, her optics shuttered briefly, then she tilted her head back to look up at the sky, to feel a breeze rustle her wings. Such colors! Such beauty! Even here, among the barrens, the sky was a glorious blue dotted only occasionally with a rare fleecily cloud. The ground under her feet was blackened volcanic ash which contrasted in the most vivid way and the glow of super heated lava beneath the ship reflected on the Darkside's dull plating.
"Beastmode and hold on." He beastmoded as well, and lifted his wings, revealing a flat body for her to cling to....he meant for her to ride him, apparently!
Startled from her revelry, she reacted in surprise but quickly did as she was told, beast moding and scrambling up on his back behind his wings, her own beast mode barely big enough to add any weight at all as it was actually a little smaller than Rattrap's.
He waited for her to settle, then rose, wings beating over her almost deafeningly as he flew away, over and away from the rank-smelling Darkside, the lava pits, far and away, the breeze so clear and clean, so welcoming....her first time out of Darkside, out of the base!.....and if only he could fly forever, or let her fly!....and then he landed suddenly, past Darkside, past the bronzed mesas of flat rock, in a thick meadow, the grass growing nearly over his head as he descended, twisting his lower body that she dropped off onto the ground.
To her credit, she caught herself quickly, transforming mid-roll and ending in a crouch in bot mode, rather pleased with herself considering her lack of experience in combat.
He transformed as well, barely glancing at her. "Keep around me, slave...but stay out of my way." And he clicked out an oddly hollow disc, and began searching silently, letting have her a small bit of freedom, to taste the air, to even explore slightly!
She nodded obediently, "Yes, master." She took a step after him then paused as some of the young grass flattened under her birdlike feet. It was an entirely new sensation and she dropped down to admire the vividly green vegetation, lost in the height of it around her, her optics focusing on a butterfly settled on a blade of greenery.
The insect was a lovely Eastern tiger swallowtail, Papilio glaucus, considerably large for it's species with what she estimated to be a 12 cm wingspan. This particular specimen was a dark morph female, the shadow of her four black "tiger stripes" on each fore wing barely visible beneath an overall indigo blue-black pigment. The trailing edges of the fore and hind wings are black were broken with dainty white spots. On the medial margin of the hind wing next to the abdomen there were a number of brighter blue spots.
Taken as she was with the tiny creature, Laserbeak knew far better than to call her master's attention to it. It would serve him little purpose and to distract him from his task might well mean and end to his good mood. She observed the tiny creature until it fluttered away, feeling an ache in her spark that she could not join it. Unbeknownst to her, because she was so intent on finding more specimens to study, she did not notice that on occasion her master's gaze would linger on her.
For nearly an hour he set about catching new specimens, reverting to beastmode when the surges started, and after nearly an hour of beastmode hunts, he slid away his final collection disc. "Done, slave....let's go."
She looked up from where she was intently studying a delicate gossamer spider web beaded with dew and scrambled to her feet, her expression positively glowing as she hurried over to him, beast moding.
He lifted his wings again, waiting for her to settle, and flew back to base; even if it had been for such a short time, how wonderful to be outside, not to be chained up, to be, almost, free....and back to the tunnel, where he oddly did not make her get off, instead clattering and flying lowly back to the lab, and only then did he drop her, and transform, clearly pleased with the day.
Laserbeak smiled, transforming and standing patiently, waiting to be ordered back to her cage obediently, utterly content.
Yet he did not seem interested in that; in fact, he merely waved her toward the storage room, and humming still, began to release his new arrivals, new snakes and spiders, even a few centipedes....she was left to her own devices in the room....surely that meant she could look over the books?
She hesitated, looking over the titles. But she thought about a week, even a month in the darkness. Even with the images she could comfort herself with from the outside, it seemed…wrong. He had been unusually kind to her today and she lathed to betray his trust by overstepping boundaries. Of course, she could always ask....he seemed in a good enough mood!
"Master..?" she ventured softly, almost afraid to speak.
"Yes?" No snarl in his voice, only the clicks of cages. But surely it would be better to speak to him directly, rather than risk his rage at calling for his attention...
She ventured timidly out of the hall peering through the doorway, "Would it be alright if I read one of the Human artifacts?"
"Hm? Yes, yes, whatever, fine." But there was only a little impatience at being bothered; he did not even turn to glare at her, or snap for her to remember her place....
"Thank you, Master...I'll be quiet and do my best not to bother you,' she added brightly, smiling as she ducked back inside.
He nodded, but did not speak again, busy away....she would surely need to thank him more when he approached her, but he did not, for the rest of the day, happily busy with his new specimens, to the point it was past nightfall when he was finally done, finishing his daily notes, and paused at a noise, rising and peeking secretly into his storage room....what was she doing?
She sat cross-legged in her cage, one book, Journey to the Center of the Earth, already read and sat off to one side, and more than half way through another, Plague Dogs, her optics rapidly scanning a page, enthralled. Whom ever had first owned the Darkside had excellent taste in literature, as most of the books were classics, with the exception of the three Harry Potter books she had located. She paused then giggled softly at something, before shaking her head.
"Slave." His voice was soft but commanding....how long had he been there, watching her ignore him? Oh, surely the beating would start soon, after such a wonderful day!
Laserbeak flinched an almost dropped the book then laid it down quickly, reverently, getting up rapidly, "Yes, master?"
"You lost your place," he said softly. "Find it again and come out here." He stepped away from the doorframe, but he was smiling faintly.
Whatever she had expected, it had not been that! For a moment she stood frozen in place, then knelt and picked up the book quickly, skimming to the right place before she followed him out.
"Hungry?" He had his back to her, at one of his empty and cleaned lab tables, and he seated himself at the head of it; at its side, however, was a second plate, gleaming with energon. He meant for her to eat with him.....?
She blinked in surprise, "Yes, thank you master..." she smiled hesitantly, sitting very slowly, ready to jump up at a nano-click's notice if he seemed displeased.
He smiled faintly at her, and quietly ate his own plate full, not speaking to her once, though from time to time he glanced at her, as if insuring she had not bolted, and was in fact eating. He was hardly the person she had first met, though that monster of course was always close by, and when she was done, he made no move to have her leave, merely watching her carefully, orange optics almost mesmerizing.
Her optics shuttered twice in a rapid succession, catching herself staring into his optics then quickly looked down, her facial plate growing warm in the areas just below her optics, almost emitting a faint glow.
"Yes, slave?" Such a soft voice, almost kind. Almost hard to believe he was so cruel, had been so terrible to her already...
"I.." she hesitated, not wanting to sound like she was just trying to suck up when she was truly being sincere in her statement, "Was just thinking that the color scheme of your armor is quite flattering is all, Master."
A soft smirk. "Pleasant flattery, slave, but thank you. Has your day been decent?"
"Oh, wonderful!" Her optics lit up and she looked up quickly, her expression once more open and exuberant," So many things to see and learn about, even to overload my processor..."
"....you have done well today, slave.....I think you can sleep outside your cell if you have a place cleared in the storage room."
She blinked, surprised, then ducked her head respectfully in gratitude, "Thank you, master..."
He nodded, taking their plates away, setting them in a side cleaner; she was apparently dismissed. Was it so simple, though? He had treated her so well, so kind...it was almost scary.
She hesitated, unsure if she should wait to be dismissed vocally then slowly picked up her book and moved towards the storage room.
He let her alone, and slowly began turning down his lab, shutting off the lights over his specimens, turning the slow heater on them for the night, the entire lab dark save for his quarters and her storage room, and he peeked in again, curious if she had set up a bunk of sorts.
The lavender colored female flyer lay stretched out on the floor, surrounded by books, now within the last few pages of the one she'd been reading, though her face was now somber, a tear rolling down one cheek as she studied the page with slow deliberation, obviously saddened but drinking it in.
He was silent, watching her finish the story. He had never found any of the books worth anything but fuel for the lava...
She bit her lower lip, another tear trickling slowly down her cheek, "Oh..." she sighed softly, sadly, flipping to the next page. It was as if the world around her had ceased to exist but for the pages in front of her, in which lay a world she had escaped to, one full of new experiences and sensations, uncountable joys and spark humbling sorrows.
He waited, silent, for her to finish, to be done with whatever had touched her so. He idly glanced around the room; she had cleaned it up somewhat, for space for her sleeping area. A number of crates which had been scattered around the floor were now neatly stacked to form a wall and not block the overhead lighting. The books were neatly piled and organized alphabetically by title and a section in which she now lay had been cleared for sleeping both in beast mode and bot mode. Now it looked more like one of the small personal quarters in the barracks.
She seemed almost regretful to close the book as if hoping more of the story would appear. Suddenly she looked up and blinked, wiping rapidly at her tears, not necessarily afraid so much as embarrassed, "oh, master...I'm sorry...I..."
"It is fine, slave." And there was no anger in his voice, no cruelty; in that moment, he seemed almost...pleased to see her happy. Yet he remained still, watching her....perhaps he had not changed at all, was merely offering a new tactic for her to please him....
She hesitated, "If I am reading too much, I didn't mean to do anything to offend you."
"You are fine, slave." And he stepped back from the doorway, leaving her, though he did firmly close the door, so far unlocked. Had there been impatience in his voice? Perhaps tomorrow things would return to normal, how they had been prior...
Her optics flickered on and off in thought. If only she could help him share some of the joy she'd gotten out of the day…she looked through the books thoughtfully. Maybe if she tried reading some it to him. No, he clearly thought the books as waste, garbage....he wanted to be alone in his studies...but....if nothing else, if she did want to thank him for the day, there was...always the distasteful option of offering herself.
Laserbeak swallowed hard, looking down. She didn't think she could do that so easily, and not whole heartedly. A few more clicks; he was closing down for recharge himself. Such a good day, a wonderful day....to be forced back into her cage again at a chance, was it worth it? Surely as debase as it was, to offer some form of gratitude would be good?
At Spark, Laserbeak had always been a foolish romantic. She believed spark-bonding should be left to those who were truly in love, not merely a way to receive pleasure or pass time. The idea of doing it out of gratitude, not love, offended her, and yet...and yet...not so greatly as it might have once. Odd. Considering her options were so limited it seemed as though it were her only choice to make him happy. And she did want to make him happy, she found. She slipped out of the storage room, and then paused. What if he got mad at her for going into his quarters?
Thank Primus, but he was not yet in his quarters; a light over one of his lab tables was on, but even as she watched, he put aside the last minute project, killing the light....now or never, or she could back down still, there was time for that!
"Master?" she ventured to speak shyly.
"Yes?" He turned, facing her.
"I…I just...wanted to thank you for today...' she murmured slowly, working up to it.
"All right....it was a good day." So simple, so calm now, somehow.
"And...I was trying to think of some way to show my appreciation…"
"It was a good day....go recharge, slave."
She hesitated. That was an obvious dismissal but she wanted to thank him so much, "I thought...you might need to relieve your stress..."
Only then did he glance at her, those bright orange optics! "You have two nanoclicks to explain, slave..."
"Like before, when you were angry…when we joined. I thought you might want to again…" she swallowed hard and looked down, worried she's far overstepped her boundaries.
Silence from him (was he enraged? Did he mean to lock her back in her cell now!) for several long moments. "Slave....go recharge. I will lock up after you. Now."
She nodded quickly, "Yes, Master..." she looked abashed and apologetic as she hurried back to the storage room.
He followed her, not to closely, but thankfully only locked the room door, leaving her out and free for the night, and he retired to recharge himself. He had rejected her....or perhaps he knew her offer was to placate him, an exchange for further good days out....
She blinked, feeling a pang of guilt. Wishing she could have made him understand that she wanted to make him happy.
But surely he was pleased, if only because he had let her out still....but he left her alone to sleep. So why did she feel so…hurt by his rejection? Almost as if she'd wanted to join with him, as if her offer had been entirely sincere.
It was all far too confusing. Her feelings for Manterror were far more complex than she had at first realized. Perhaps it was only the effect of his kindness that day, the realization that while she still feared him to some extent, feared looking into those infernoish orange optics which burned brighter and hotter than the lave warming the ship, she also felt drawn to look into them. Dismayed, the little flyer curled up in her little nest of books and tried to sleep.