(A/N: I'm overwhelmed that people have favourited this story and put alerts or whatever on this fic. Thankyou so much to you and everone that have commented.)
CHAPTER 2: ANNIVERSARIES
Everything seemed so difficult lately. Internship was difficult, her mother was difficult, seeing Addison and Derek walk hand-in-hand out of the hospital felt impossible to endure. That was definitely the most difficult thing to deal with. They were functioning as a couple, and she was alone.
Meredith was curled up on the couch, the TV illuminating the room as it was muted by the sound of the heavy rain hitting every surface of the house. It pelted the glass like little bullets, relentless as it rained for hours and hours today. The sky was so black today that even day was as dark as dusk. Meredith leaned forward, picking up the lone glass of wine on the coffee table and brought it to her lips, sipping at it. She was drinking on her own, she had wrapped herself up in a blanket because there was no-one there to wrap themselves around her to keep her warm, and the TV was only on to fill the silence that had overtaken the house.
She was getting good at putting on the façade at work, trying not to look too broken that Derek wasn't chasing her around the hospital anywhere, and didn't act like she missed the cheeky banter between Derek and her that filled her days. But she did miss it, and she missed him while he was making it work with the wife. That brave exterior crumpled once she left the hospital, and she was still prone to finding a more secluded part of the hospital where she could mourn the loss of her boyfriend.
He could hold her hand without wanting to pull away. That was a huge step forward. He didn't recoil everytime her lips met his. He hoped that the visual of his wife on top of his best friend, moaning Mark's name would soon fade away- if he wanted to make this work, he had to. It was their eleventh wedding anniversary, and even though he thought there wasn't much they should really be celebrating about this year, Addison insisted on booking a table at the most expensive French restaurant in the whole of Seattle in celebration that they were back on track.
"It wasn't as good as the one back in New York was it?" Addison said absently, the sound of her heels click-clacking against the wet concrete as they reached the valet stand and Derek handed the attendant the ticket.
Derek smiled weakly back. He had tried to feign interest, but trying twenty four hours a day, seven days a week was exhausting, and trying to be the formidable partnership of Addison and Derek- especially today just seemed far too hard. He saw the lights of his BMW turn the corner as the valet drove up to them, and Derek tipped him with a crisp twenty dollar note. Derek hadn't even known this restaurant existed until one night last week when Addison told him about it.
He was sitting in bed, reading a fishing magazine trying to not make it look as if he was on the edge of the bed, trying to be as far away from the middle- from Addison as possible. He concentrated on the words in the article about fly fishing, about the 10 best fishing poles on the market- anything but Addison propositioning awkward sex, only for him to reject her advances again.
"Look at this Derek…" Addison told him, forcibly making him take notice of something she said. He always acted as if he was doing her a favour just listening to her. Maybe this anniversary was what she needed to re-inject the life back into the marriage again. She slid the laptop over to his lap, and inched closer to him tentatively. If he was any further over his side of the bed, he'd fall off.
"It's a French restaurant- like the one we go to every anniversary since we got our fellowship- you know…if you cant bring Mohammed to the mountain, then we'll have to compromise."
"I don't know, Addison this year has been…" Derek sighed, trying not to groan. He wasn't up to celebrating.
"It's been really hard, Derek. I know. Come on, it could be exactly what we need….Please?" She begged. Addison was pleading him, her fingers touching his bare arm. Derek flinched for a second, but gave in. He had to start somewhere, get over it, he had to justify leaving Meredith for something more than a miserable marriage that he didn't really make any effort to work at.
That was the problem. To Addison, Seattle was no match to New York, and to Derek- it was something blissfully different. It didn't provide the same life that led them to being lazy, to being absent and distant, it didn't allow them to fall into the bad habits that lead Addison to cheat on him. As Derek made his way round to the passenger side of the BMW to open the door for his wife, he wondered when Addison changed, when he changed, and how they managed to change in opposite ways.
The woman he married was the girl who bunked all family gatherings at Thanksgivings with him so they could study for the finals after the holiday and eat Chinese food out of the foil container as they spent four days in sweats. She wasn't the woman who found catalogues from places he didn't know existed and bought overpriced woollen goods from Scotland for Christmas.
Nine o'clock. Only three more hours of pretending everything was ok. For one day, Derek called a truce, scrabbling to find the easiness that was once second nature to this couple. That was what the counselling was for, and he hated it. It was admitting to another person that he failed in his marriage, that they lost something that was so fundamental in a relationship. He lost the love, he lost the friendship, and finding it again was proving to be so difficult. His hand lay casually on the centre console as they navigated the rainy Seattle streets downtown. Addison nervously placed her hand on top of his, giving it a squeeze as the diamond and platinum of her rings glistened, reflecting the diffuse light from the streetlamps outside. They passed the steakhouse he intended to take Meredith to the evening Addison came to town, and his heart panged for the girl he had cruelly rejected for his unfaithful wife. There was no longer a steak with her name on it. There was no bottle of wine for them to share. He broke promises he made to Meredith to honour ones he made with Addison that she had betrayed. How did his life become a mess?
Meredith was already on her second slice of devastatingly rich chocolate cake Izzie had made the day before. Comfort eating, comfort drinking and comfort crying ironically didn't bring her and comfort whatsoever. She looked up at the screen in front of her, the mouthful of moist sponge getting stuck in her throat as she saw the date in the corner of the screen. Five years ago today, Meredith had gotten a call while she was in France from her mother, telling her she had Alzheimer's, and she was going into a home. Meredith had thrown her belongings into her suitcase and flown straight home, hoping that she could get her life together and make her mother proud.
The dark chocolate suddenly made her feel sick, and she placed the plate on the table, snuggling back onto the worn couch, covering her head with the blanket, wishing this day wouldn't exist anymore. Ten o'clock. Two more hours. Midnight to midnight was all she could get through. One day at a time. She was acting like it was her mother's death anniversary or something- and in some ways it was. She had lost a mother that she maybe could have turned to, she lost the opportunity to build a relationship back with her mother, to use that energy and channel it into being motivated instead of rebellious. But she had lost her chance, and not even chocolate cake made her feel better.
It felt like the only thing that could make her feel better wasn't there. She didn't know how Derek managed to change her, make her need him quite like he had in those two months. Somewhere along the line it stopped being sex with her boss, somewhere in between the ferryboats and the breakfast, and had become something. It didn't stop because he chose the wife. That needyness just got worse.
She was trying so hard to function in the same hallways as him, answer his questions when she was on his cases, show him that she could move on. And then there were those times where the looks of pity softened into those looks of affection like they used to be, and it messed her up all over again. He always gave them to her when they were alone, so Meredith could have been imagining them. But the worst looks of all were the ones he had given her once or twice:
"I think I've made a mistake."
But he had never actually said those words to her, even if the frown in his forehead and the slump in his shoulders had. What do you do when someone you love cannot love you back? And even if he decided he could love Meredith and dump the wife, could they move on from Meredith always being the second choice?
She mentally kicked herself. Feeling alone was nothing new. She'd been used to it by now, being alone exactly five years ago when her mother went into a home. Meredith's trust fund was still paying for everything, but she had no one in her life that cared. She knew that on some level Ellis had the potential to care- but something in her life had damaged her so much that Ellis's defence mechanism was to show that she didn't. For those two months that Derek was in her life, someone actually genuinely cared for her, and she had gotten used to it, but that loneliness was back again, even though her friends had been great, it was no match for the security she was beginning to find in Derek- and she was doubtful she would ever experience it again with anyone else. Maybe Derek was her only shot at true happiness, and even if she couldn't be with him, trying to love someone like she loved Derek would have been settling for second best. She was supposed to be a passionate force of nature, she worked at something if she wanted it, but for the first time, she realised all the perseverance in the world couldn't make Derek come back to her. Meredith pulled the blanket from her eyes long enough to see that it was exactly 12.00 midnight, and she had to be up in four hours for rounds. Pretending to sleep in her bed was better than pretending to sleep on the couch.
"That was good, wasn't it?" Addison asked her husband, seeking his approval, needing to know that at least something was the same as before. He could barely even bring himself to touch her again, as he nodded weakly, unable to meet her eyes. It was awkward, it was fumbly, it wasn't what it used to be, it wasn't the best he ever had, and it was their anniversary. That was the only reason he even gave in to her suggestion. If he couldn't find it in him to make love to his wife on his anniversary, what was he even doing in this marriage.
Derek's feelings of pleasure as his wife caught her breath beside him in the bed in the trailer were soon replaced with feelings of guilt. His movements had felt robotic above her, the sounds and touches like a boring routine. The only way he could do it was pretend that he didn't have fistfuls of red hair in his hands, but messy blonde strands. It was quiet, and his eyes were shut all the time, scared that he would utter the wrong name, and his eyes would betray that he saw someone else that wasn't Addison. He flipped off the light and pretended to sleep as he looked up through the skylight in the roof of his trailer, watching the full moon create sliver streaks on the skylight as it reflected off the raindrops. He was cheating both of them- Addison and Meredith. He had rejected Meredith, but could only think of her, and Addison was thinking their marriage was on the mend, and the only way he could get though any kind of intimacy with her was by pretending she was Meredith- his dirty mistress. Their marriage wasn't being fixed. It was more broken than ever.
He turned onto his side, away from his wife. His eyes met the clock, as he watched the numbers change- from 11.59 to 12.00. It was no longer his wedding anniversary. He exhaled deeply with relief. He didn't have to try so hard anymore, compared to the last twenty four hours. It was all dependent on a split second. If only he hadn't just made it on that train on the subway, he'd have never caught Mark and Addison. If he hadn't decided to explore further than the hospital parking lot in that moment, finding Joe's bar. If only in that split second, he decided to choose Meredith and not Addison- his life could have been so different. It only took a second for tomorrow to turn into today.
Do you ever feel like you're all alone?
And do you ever feel like you're the only one
Who can feel the pain, but you act ok
And I really hope that there's something more
Cuz I feel I don't have much to show
For anything in my life, for anything in my life...
But there is hope in the pain
Hope in my tears
And even my shame
And I have hope in my doubts
And hope in my faults
Even in my fears
Do you ever feel like nothing's going right?
And do you ever feel like you've got nowhere to go,
But you tell yourself you can't quite let this go
I really hope that there's something more
Cuz I feel I don't have much to show
Worth anything in my life, worth anything in my life...
But there is hope in the pain
Hope in my tears
And even my shame
And I have hope in my doubts
And hope in my faults
Even in my fears
Ryan Calhoun- Hope.