CHAPTER 4: A FEELING.
Today was one of those days that Meredith wished she could just press the rewind button and make different choices. She wouldn't have let Cristina literally kick her out of bed in the morning, she would have locked the door and not come out until it was 12 o'clock midnight, and another day. She definitely wouldn't have stuck her hand inside that guy's body cavity, and she wouldn't have walked out into the hallway to see what happened to Dylan and the bomb. She would have just run for her life to the elevator. But she didn't, and everything that had happened today was horrifyingly real.
Izzie and Cristina had finally left her alone after hovering around her, making sure she wasn't going to go into a post traumatic shock after she tried to make herself sound put together for the counsellor she saw for half an hour. No one could make this better. She saw a guy blow up. How could she put into words how traumatising that really was? Meredith pulled the covers tighter over herself, wishing for a second time today that Derek was by her side, making her feel better by knowing the right thing to say. She screwed her eyes shut as the tears made their way out of the corners. She was never alone more than she was now. A tiny part of her wished that she had died along with Dylan, because in that moment, perhaps she didn't have much to live for. Her mother was re-living the heyday of her residency, either thinking Meredith was five years old, or telling her intimate, embarrassing details of her affair with Richard Webber- her chief of surgery. She had no one.
Derek raked his hand though his hair for the thousandth time since he sat on the hammock on the deck at his trailer, exhaling deeply. He glanced towards the bedroom window, looking through the glass towards Addison who sported a concerned expression on her face, but was still reading her 'Vogue' magazine. It was ten thirty. Last time he was out here after dark, he had wrapped himself up in blankets and coats as Meredith snores made the walls of the trailer vibrate, and now, he was outside because he could almost hear the unsaid questions Addison had wanted to ask him. Even her unspoken thoughts had become irritating to him now, and he was missing the snores coming from that tiny person that had kept him awake for so many nights. Addison was a quiet sleeper, and the only mild annoyance was that sometimes she kicked. It was funny- he had slept next to Addison most nights for eleven years and he hadn't missed her when he moved to Seattle, yet he spent maybe six weeks in bed next to Meredith, and imagining she was snoring beside him was the only thing that lulled him into a sleep some nights. If Meredith had such an impact on him in only two months, why did he put such importance on eleven years of indifference?
"That's not the 'she' he was asking for."
That's what the chief's wife had noted after Derek half heartedly fell into his wife's hug, and she couldn't have been more right. He had felt guilty that he didn't even think about Addison during the whole debacle, and yet she was running to him, being the concerned wife, and even when she was embracing him, all he wanted was to know if Meredith was alright. He hadn't been able to see her, she was in the shower, she was getting a CT, she was speaking to a counsellor, and by then Derek had run out of excuses to hang around the hospital to see her. The chief and Addison had almost dragged him out of that hospital. Not choosing her, but depending on her, hanging on those few lines of friendly conversation everyday was what kept him going. It was wrong, but he couldn't see any other way out. Everyday he woke up and he hoped something would happen with Addison to make him fall in love with her again, instead of just love her like you loved someone after living with them for eleven years. He knew why he chose her instead of Meredith- it was just easier. He already knew everything about her, and maybe it was just too much hard work to get to that stage of comfortability with someone again.
Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that the light in the bedroom had eventually turned off, and he could almost hear Addison sigh in defeat through the aluminium walls, as she stayed up as long as she could in the hope that Derek would come to her to talk. But what was he supposed to say? That he still loved Meredith- he had already told her at Christmas that he had loved Meredith, and that his choice wasn't easy. He didn't tell her that he had regretted it nearly everyday since he had made it, that he was waiting for her to make another wrong move so he could go back and try with Meredith.
He waited a few more minutes until he thought Addison was really asleep before he quietly opened the door and grabbed his keys from the table- he just had to know if Meredith was ok. Addison's eyes opened when she heard his car door shut and the engine start, and she bit back a sob as she heard his tyres crunch on the dirt gravel track. She knew he was going to see her, at quarter to eleven at night. What hurt even more was that he was desperate for her not to know where he was going, as he didn't turn on his headlights, not wanting them to shine into the windows and wake her. Addison's hand traced the dent in his pillow as she let the tears flow this time, wondering whether he would have cared so much if she were the person holding the bomb. As he drove further away, she could feel her marriage slipping away with it. How much longer could she hold onto the memories of the marriage they used to have?
Derek tried not to speed through the streets of Seattle as he neared Meredith's house. She had nearly died- and he would have let her go without letting her know how much he still loved her- that had he known she was 'the girl with the bomb' earlier, he would have done everything he could to get her out of that situation. If he didn't have Bailey's husband's brain exposed on his operating table, he would have dropped everything and ran to her. He clearly recalled every feeling when Cristina told him, how his heart sunk to his shoes, how he felt the adrenaline surge through his body.
'wait for it to pass.'
That was the advice he gave her when she confided to him that she had a feeling. He had been waiting for this feeling that he made a mistake trying in his marriage to pass, for his love that he had for Meredith to pass. Nothing was passing, maybe there are some feelings in life that stick with you- that are innate and instinctual. Maybe it was that special feeling that made him approach that pretty blonde girl at Joe's bar. It didn't pass. He should have told her to learn from his mistakes and act on every freaking feeling she had, not to wait for feelings to pass that probably wouldn't pass. He had nearly lost Meredith, and if she had died, he couldn't have pretended to Addison that his feelings for Meredith weren't as strong anymore- because if anything, day by day they grew stronger. Not once had she acted like the bitter ex-girlfriend, she had been able to hold her head high and act with dignity even though he and Addison flaunted their 'trying' all around the hospital.
'I have a feeling I might die today.'
Meredith was glad that the feeling wasn't that she was definitely going to die. She had reiterated to Cristina as Dylan was attaching the flak jacket to her body that she had a feeling. She had many of those, but she was generally a 'doom and gloom' person- her glass was always half empty. But she didn't consider it to be pessimism- her life was truly half empty. The negatives in her life far outweighed the positives. Everyone knew about her mother's Alzheimer's even if her mother didn't know who she really was, she had fallen in love with a seemingly perfect man after only two months, and even though he had actually chosen the wife over her over four months ago- twice the amount of time they were together- her feelings hadn't changed at all. She still gave everything to his wife it seemed. She had handed over him- her first love, and her dog… the life she was supposed to have. He hadn't even come to see her. Being blown up by a freaking bomb- having a guy become pink mist and spray all over her wasn't enough for him to re-evaluate his marriage. Wasn't the whole point of near-death experiences to see what was important in life?
Derek had parked his car on the opposite side of the street, sitting in darkness as the rain had finally stopped. He hoped he would be able to see her silhouette through the window, see she was ok, and that would be enough for him. He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel restlessly, sighing heavily as he debated with himself whether he should go and see if she was alright. It was 11.50, and already late. Maybe she was asleep already, and he'd be disturbing them. But he couldn't wait till tomorrow to see her. He had to see her today.
Izzie heard the doorbell ring, and wondered who would be at their door so late. Cristina had gone home after much cajoling, and she wouldn't be back until tomorrow. Alex was still working, as was George. She opened the door to see Derek on the other side of it, looking up at her in surprise.
"Dr. Shepherd…" Izzie said warily, unsure why he was visiting so late, and whether it would be a good idea to let him in.
Derek noticed her defiant stance, blocking entry into the house he had virtually lived in, her arms crossed across her chest as she eyed him questioningly. "I just... is Meredith ok?" he asked her.
"As fine as someone can be after she was thrown ten feet by an exploding bomb." Izzie replied snippily. She still hated him for what she did to him. Those secret feelings Meredith and she had discussed over chocolate cake a few months ago weren't so secret anymore, and Meredith was barely holding it together. She wanted to tell him how depressed Meredith really was, how they couldn't get her out of bed this morning, how she was barely looking after herself. But it wasn't her place to tell him that. She looked at him carefully with her deep brown eyes- the concern in his expression was evident, and she knew he still cared about her. Maybe Meredith needed to see that too. "I'll see if she's still awake…" Izzie finally relented, letting her arms fall by her side as she went up the stairs to call Meredith.
Derek hadn't been here since Meredith had beaten him out of the house with her purse- the night she found the unsigned divorce papers. He wished Addison didn't know him so well, and didn't know how to push his buttons so perfectly, and know how to make him not sign, to make him doubt his desire to divorce her. But she had. She had played him so well, and while Meredith had hoped her heartfelt speech would be enough to convince him to choose her- he told her it wasn't enough. He stood in the middle of the hall a little uneasily, taking in the familiar smell of the place that had begun to feel a little like home, a place he had hoped at one time he would have been spending a lot of time- which through his decisions had been cut short.
He could so easily change all of that- admit defeat, tell Addison his marriage wasn't working, that they had taken it as far as they could and give himself wholly to Meredith. But she might not take him back- she might not give him a second chance, and maybe being with someone and not happy was better than being alone. Derek's thoughts were cut short by the tired shuffling of feet on the top step, as he saw Meredith clutch the handrail and come down the stairs gingerly. He sighed as she stopped short in front of him, unsure of why he was there.
"Hey…" Meredith greeted tentatively.
Derek shifted his weight from one foot to another, repeating the 'hey' she had given to him just a second before. His eyes surveyed her body quickly, the only obvious sign of any trauma was the gash on her forehead, and some soreness. He so badly wanted to reach out and touch her skin, but she had kept enough distance between them so that he couldn't reach out with his hand.
"You almost died today…" was the only thing Derek thought was a safe enough thing to say. She almost died today, but yet she was standing there infront of him, and she would live to see another day.
"Yeah, I almost died today." Meredith echoed, her voice low and sombre as she made no effort to move closer towards him. He was married, Addison was waiting for him, and even if she nearly did die today, she couldn't live with herself knowing she made the first move in breaking up her ex-boyfriend's marriage. He was trying, and so was she.
Derek opened his mouth to speak, nearly telling her everything he had wanted to tell her for months. That he didn't love Addison like he loved her, that he had regretted his decision to try with his wife. But he couldn't, because Meredith was just standing there, waiting…and maybe by now she had gotten fed up of it. It wasn't fair of him to be there, in her house, confusing her like that. If he loved her- he'd leave. And so he turned round, and opened the front door. He took one step out into the cold night air, before he heard Meredith take a step forward and speak.
"I can't…" He heard her say, and he stopped to turn around and listen to her. "I can't remember our last kiss. All I could think about was I'm going to die today and I can't remember our last kiss. Which is pathetic, but the last time we were together and happy I want to be able to remember that. And I can't Derek. I can't remember."
It took everything in his control to embrace her and never let her go. She was so broken, and it was his instinct to take care of her. But he was responsible for that broken fragility that oozed out of every word she spoke. She was opening up to him in such a tender way. But he couldn't so this after she had already been through so much emotional turmoil that very day. Derek knew that exact moment she was wanting so hard to recall. He had been re-living it over in his mind too, trying to fool himself that it was Meredith kissing him every morning and not Addison. But if he let on that he knew, he'd have to admit that she still affected him as much as she did- yet he was the one who chose his wife.
"I'm glad you didn't die today." He said earnestly, forcing himself to turn back round.
He stepped out of the house fully now, and it felt like her chance with him truly had gone. He didn't remember either, probably knowing that the wife was going to show up that evening. She couldn't have been all that important, just a fling…just a rebound. It didn't matter that he was scratching an itch, and she fell in love. Whatever hope Meredith had fell away as the hinges on the front door began to squeak as Derek closed the door, and she turned round slowly to face the stares, to prepare for another night of staring out of the window, back facing Derek's side of the bed so she didn't have to remind herself he wasn't there again that night.
Derek was watching her walk back towards the stairs slowly. He couldn't lie to her. She had nearly died, and he was still pretending to no-one but himself and her how much she meant to him. If he could give her nothing else, he'd give her the memory that he could recall so vividly. "It was a Thursday morning... " he began.
Meredith turned back around at the sound of his voice, seeing his eyes soften into a different shade of blue as he remembered the moment she had tried so hard for so long to remember. It meant something to him too, it wasn't just all in her head, it wasn't only one sided. "You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole in the back of the neck. You'd just washed your hair and you smelled like some kind of flower. I was running late for surgery. You said you were gonna see me later and you leaned to me, you put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. Was quick, kinda like a habit. You know, like we'd do it every day for the rest of our lives. You went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed." He told her softly, his fingers clutching the doorframe so he could resist the urge of running them through her hair. Now he knew why his instinct was not to tell her- all those feelings had come flooding back, and they were almost too much to control. He walked out again, trying to shut the door before he went back running to her.
But Meredith decided to answer him. "Lavender. My hair smelled like lavender from my conditioner." Who cared that her overuse of said conditioner gave her brittle bones? Derek remembered it, and loved it. He remembered every little minute detail, he had remembered it for both of them.
Derek smiled. "Lavender. Huh." He shut the door for real this time, unable to control his feelings for the woman he loved.
Meredith smiled ruefully at the fuzzy memories that day as exhaustion hit her, and she walked back towards the stairs. He remembered. That would have to be enough for now.
Derek chastised himself, running his hand through his hair as he couldn't make it to his car that was parked on the other side of the street. He paced on Meredith's porch a few times. She had a feeling, and she nearly died today, and everyday he had a feeling that Meredith was the love of his life, and for four months he had been waiting for it to pass. Everyday he woke up, and expected it to be less painful than the day before, yet he got more and more entwined in the lie he told himself. But if Meredith had died that day… she would have died not knowing the truth her deserved to know.
"Meredith!" Derek called out as Meredith placed her foot on the first step. "I've waited now…I've waited for long enough. Some feelings…they don't pass. They're real-and if you want to live, you need to listen to them. My feelings for you-they will never pass." His voice thick with emotion as his eyes teared up. He ran to the step which Meredith had climbed, and held her hand, bringing her down. Her hand felt smaller than he remembered, and he gently took her hand and placed it on his chest as he leaned forward, his lips touching hers for the first time in months. This feeling definitely wasn't worth passing up.
Meredith was stunned at first, as his soft lips made contact with hers. He was everything she remembered, and more. That musky 'Derek' scent was still the same, and she revelled in the familiarity as his hands slipped down gently to her waste where they were meant to be. They got lost in the kiss as they both deepened it. The clock in the hall chimed midnight as the lovers reunited, as they began a day really together instead of apart.
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
Sara Bareilles-Gravity.