CHAPTER 5: CHOICES.
Derek was trying to control the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes as he drove to Meredith's house, but as he tried to blink them back as they blurred his vision, a large one spilled onto his cheek. His hands gripped the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles turning white as he resisted the urge to scream. He was driving back from the Archfield to Meredith's house even though it was late, and he was tired, having been quarantined earlier that day. He had to see her.The divorce papers were sitting in a brown paper envelope on the passenger's seat, signed by both him and Addison. He didn't know if he was crying because he had just ended his eleven year marriage, or the scene he had just witnessed.
Even though Meredith and he had kissed the night of the bomb- he hadn't done anything more with her since- except last night, at the stupid prom the chief had organised for his niece. Meredith had gotten it into her head that Derek had to have the divorce paperwork completed before they took the next step of sleeping together again, imploring that she couldn't be the dirty mistress again, that Derek had to be sure that he really did want his marriage to end before he made that commitment- with rules to Meredith once more. Those papers signified a beginning and an end for him, and he was mourning and celebrating them both.
Until he had caught his wife in bed with his best friend, he really had thought it would last forever, and when he landed in Seattle, for the first time in over fifteen years, he realised he had no one. Starting back on the dating scene was daunting- and upsetting. His hair was greying, his physique wasn't what it used to be, and he had a lot of baggage. As he sat there in Joe's bar he had been there panicking, wondering how he was going to have to learn to flirt and charm like he used to, rather than just take it all for granted. And then he saw that girl ordering a shot of tequila, only sipping at it slowly as she engaged in a friendly conversation with the bartender. He would practise getting back on the ladder with her. Little did he know it would lead to sex- the first time he had had sex with someone other than Addison in fifteen years- which would lead to a love that was stronger than love he had for his wife.
Derek tried to shake those images of New York and his cheating wife out of his head, but he couldn't. They had all come flooding back as he saw his virtually naked former- best friend emerge from a steam filled shower wearing only a towel. His just-ex wife had been dressed in a dressing gown, it didn't take a genius to realise what had happened. The champagne he had just sipped to celebrate the eleven years they were married started to make it's way up his throat as he looked down the flute in his hand. That glass wasn't meant for him. It was meant for Mark. After everything, Addison still called him, and he came running. They hadn't regretted anything. It hadn't been a mistake, and only one thing would make him feel better- Meredith.
Meredith ran her hand through her hair, shuffling into the kitchen tiredly as she surveyed the mess all over every available surface. The state in the kitchen reflected the state of her life. Her roommate was still lying on the bathroom floor in her fancy dress, her hair all matted from the hairspray and her eyes all puffy from crying. Not to mention, Meredith had broken that promise she had made to herself after Derek kissed her the night of the bomb, and had slept with him in an exam room last night. Dirty, lost panties, not-quite-adulterous sex. Derek had told her that after speaking to his lawyer, the papers might get pushed through today, but after the quarantine drama, she wasn't sure if he would come to her house, and she couldn't leave Izzie alone in this situation.
She had been at the OR board yesterday, looking at the scheduled surgeries, wondering when Denny was going to get his new heart when Derek sidled up to her.
"Hey…" He said softly, giving her a small smile.
They had promised each other they would take it slow, and to Meredith's surprise, Derek had been remarkably good about it all since that night they kissed. He never pushed her into relenting and always went back to his trailer before it got too late. They found that friendly banter and affection again, as he sat with her at lunch or met her in Joe's and teased her about her hopeless knitting project, as he laughed when she explained it's merits, helping to distract her from her self-induced celibacy while improving her surgical dexterity. The sweater she promised to make for him had quickly been changed to a scarf that was currently sitting on his back seat, with one side significantly wider than the other.
"Hey…" She smiled back, her heart warming at him being by her side again. She was under Bailey's orders to arrange the catering for the prom, but had taken a detour to see what was happening with Denny.
"How's the Denny thing going?" Derek asked Meredith cautiously. He knew that the chief had put them on a 'time out', a suspension of any type of clinical duty until he found out who was responsible, but to Derek, it was a no-brainer. Everyone knew it was Izzie, she just had yet to admit it.
"It's…going." Meredith sighed, shrugging her shoulders in defeat as she tore her eyes away from Derek and looked back at the board.
Derek frowned in concern, moving a step closer to her, gently nudging her shoulder with his. "Meredith…wanna go to prom with me?" He asked her with a beaming smile, going a little red.
Meredith laughed, rolling her eyes. "Sure. Whatever. Unless I get a better offer."
Even though Meredith had never been to a prom before, her prom was pretty much cliché, sleeping with her boyfriend for the first time…first time in a long time, nearly getting caught, having a drama at the end of the night that put a dampener on the whole event…and now she was waiting for the boy to call her back.
That night of the prom, Derek was talking to Addison politely by the punch bowl, not quite smiling but not quite scowling as he held the paper cup in his hand. He did a double take when he saw Meredith come down the stairs in her simple yet beautiful black dress, her hair down and wavy as her eyes met his and she flashed him a small smile. She had managed to rush home and change just in time, and even though she looked flustered, Derek thought she looked beautiful. Addison saw him ignore her talking about her adolescent Star Wars fandom for staring at Meredith and quietly walked away, avoiding having to listen to them together. Just because the divorce was amicable, it didn't mean she wanted her soon-to-be ex-husband flaunt the woman he divorced her for in her face.
"You look wonderful Meredith…" Derek beamed, handing her a cup of the punch.
"God, I wish this were alcoholic…" She sighed, taking a sip.
"High school punches generally aren't…unless they're spiked…which…they usually are." Derek laughed, slipping his hand lightly around her waist.
"Wouldn't know…didn't go." Meredith said, leaning into him slightly. She saw the shocked expression on Derek's face and explained further. "It wasn't an Ellis thing. I just wasn't that girl. I was…angry, wore a lot of black, had pink hair...I hung around with a lot of college boys."
"Pink hair?!" Derek bit the side of his cheek to suppress his laughter. "Hmm…I was…a band geek. Braces, unmanageable afro hair and acne…BAD acne. I think I went to prom with a girl from band, and that's only because my mom and sisters forced me to."
Meredith smiled wrly. "How things change."
"They do. Thank god." Derek nodded, hearing the music change to a slow tempo. "Wanna dance?" He asked, taking her hand.
"I thought you don't dance in public?" Meredith said amusedly.
"It's only slow dancing…" Derek replied, taking the cup from her hand and leading her to the dancefloor. "Besides, I'll make an exception for you…"
His perfect words transported her to the perfect prom she never had, and even though her life at the moment with Izzie's problem looked to be in a precarious situation, shifting from side to side with her head on Derek's shoulder she forgot about everything except the man holding her. He was being so perfect, and for a moment, she just wanted to escape from there with him.
"Are you feeling hot in here? It's hot…" She said, fanning herself with her hand. "I'm just going to splash some water on my face…" She whispered in his ear huskily, her hand 'accidentally' brushing his crotch as she turned away.
Well…the sex was great. Being caught by Callie? Not so much. And everything fell apart after that, and she and Derek never got to discuss exactly what the prom sex meant. Meredith had been adamant that she wasn't going to do anything until the signed and processed divorce papers were in her hands, and something had most definitely happened. Problem was, she didn't know what it meant either. Perhaps it was just the atmosphere, that for that moment when she was slowly dancing with Derek, all her problems didn't occupy her mind. He asked her anxiously what that sex meant, wanting to know if that was a one off thing or whether the sex ban was lifted. He had been an extremely patient man, Meredith knew how hard it must have been for him when they clearly loved each other so much.
But Meredith couldn't be that other woman. She had called Webber out on his affair with her mother, and she didn't want to be the one in the wrong for sleeping with a married man. Maybe deep down she was scared that Derek would go back to Addison again. It only took a moment to make a decision, and maybe this time, she wouldn't be chosen again. So many things happened to people who were really in love. They died, they get shot, they hide their marriages.
Derek wiped the tears from his eyes and composed himself before he got out of his car and walked towards Meredith's house, where he still saw the lights on, even though it was past eleven thirty and Meredith had to work in the morning. He exhaled deeply, and lifted the envelope from the passenger seat before walking up to the house, where Callie let him in, glaring at him. Maybe everyone expected him to chicken out again this time, not that he blamed them. George came in at the same time, and Callie hugged him, professing her love for him, and George looked up at Derek guiltily as he could bring himself to say it back.
Meredith put the final glass into the dishwasher when she heard his footsteps on the hardwood floor. She turned around to see him in the doorway,leaning against the frame as he looked at her. Meredith dried her hands on her jeans, taking a step towards him, but stopped short at the other side of the table. Meredith looked confused as she studied his face. If she wasn't mistaken, he had recently been crying, and he had an envelope in his right hand.
Derek saw her mouth open a little in shock as she noticed the envelope, and placed it on the dining table, gesturing at her to open it. She reached over and picked it up, sliding her finger along the flap and lifting out the thick wad of papers, flicking to the page that was flagged with a sticky tab, noticing the signature of both Addison and Derek confirming their divorce and settlement. Meredith's heartbeat thumped wildly in her chest, and blood rushed to her brain.
"So, what does this mean?" She asked, still processing the immensity of the moment.
Derek spoke quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. "It means you have a choice. It means you have a choice. You have a choice to make. And I don't want to rush you into making the decision before you're ready. This morning I was going to come over... I was going to say... What I wanted to say was... But now all I can say is that... I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for, ever. I'm a little late, I know I'm a little late in telling you that. I, I just, I just want you to take your time, you know. Take all the time you need, because you have a choice to make. And when I had a choice to make, I chose wrong." His eyes had a thin film of tears covering them, that was rapidly welling up as he saw Meredith's teary expression.
Meredith was speechless as she still held the papers in her hand, the papers that ended his marriage and began a life with her. He was telling her than he finally did it, and that he didn't regret ending those eleven years with Addison. They could have had this five months ago, they could have had this this morning, and they could have it all now, and he was letting Meredith decide, give her a chance to think what she really wanted, now that she could actually have it. The words were in her head, but they couldn't come out, and she stood there, staring into his eyes in shock. It was like a dream, and any moment she would wake up. She hadn't had many of those moments that were positive one. Usually they were nightmares like her mother telling her she had Alzheimer's, or shaking Addison's hand as she introduced herself. None of them quite felt like this before, and Meredith didn't quite know what to do.
"Goodnight." Derek whispered, turning around to walk out. Maybe she just needed some time to process it all, he had all the time in the world to wait for her- as she did for him.
He had walked out of the kitchen door before he heard her. "Wait…" She croaked out quietly."It's midnight, it's too late for you to travel back to the trailer. Stay here tonight. I need you here with me."
He turned back around, walking towards her, cupping her cheek in his hand and stroking her face lightly as she put her hands inside his coat and pulled him towards her body,as they held each other tightly and kissed tenderly.
It was a new day, and for the first time in what felt like forever, they could start a new day together, without obligations to anyone else.
Waited a hundred years to see your face
And I would wait a hundred more
If only to be near you
To have you and to hear you
Isn't that what time is for?
Sailed a thousand ships in search of you
Traveled to distant lands
I dove for sunken gold
I took what I could hold but you're
still the greatest treasure I've held in my hands
My love, the reason I survive
Trust we'll be together soon
Should our fire turn to dark
Take my heart with you
Tattered photograph my pocket holds
I keep you secretly
I've studied every line
You're etched upon my mind
For not a million soldiers could take you from me
My love, the reason i survive
Trust we'll be together soon
Should our fire turn to dark
Take my heart with you
The Rescues- My heart with you.