CHAPTER 7: 48 HOURS.
Derek and Meredith were still together- barely- but still together. Things were just spiralling deeper and deeper into this pit of despair, like Meredith was being sucked into a vortex of crap that was her life, and Derek didn't know if he could hold on any longer. He didn't know if he wanted to. The more bad things that happened to her, the more she closed up, and all Derek wanted to do was to be there for her.
Maybe they needed a change of scenery. That's why he was looking up cute little bed and breakfast inns in the wine county instead of doing his paperwork. Napa or Sonoma? Kitschy little inn or more luxurious hotel? Maybe if he took her away from Seattle, away from the new sister and drunken father, away from the memories that Seattle had held for her, they could get back on track, she could open up and actually tell him what her drowning actually meant for her.
Every time he tried to ask, she tried to distract him with sex, and the thing that annoyed him most about it all- was that nearly every time it worked. His brain was screaming no, but his body screamed yes, and Meredith really knew all the right things to do to make his brain scream yes in no time too. She knew that spot right in front of his ear, if she applied the right amount of pressure with her tongue, would virtually launch him off the bed in a pleasure that rocked his whole body. Maybe Derek relented because he felt like that was Meredith's way of opening up to him- and not just in the obvious, crude way- but he could see it in her eyes, as she was nearing her peak and just after- he watched for it- that moment where her eyes suddenly 'opened' and relayed all those emotions she had never verbalised, how that moment took all the pain away that she had accrued over the past few months.
But maybe that was wishful thinking. Maybe he was imagining it, because no sooner did the post-coital calm dissipate into the air, so did Meredith's openness, and he could almost feel her harden up again, put up those emotional barriers he couldn't break down. He was running out of things to say or do that he thought would make her better. He was exhausted searching for that breakthrough, that something that would make her crack, and just TALK.
Tell him, Meredith. Just tell him. Be brave and say all the things you're scared to say. Just talk to him.
Meredith sighed as she bit her lip, arguing with that voice in her head that told her to tell Derek about everything- about that weird place that she went to in her head when she was 'dead' about how devastated she was that her second-chance, fake mommy had died right in front of her, and how much Cristina's almost-wedding had affected her. How she vowed to herself that if Cristina could do it, so could she. Except Cristina couldn't do it, and now Meredith didn't have any faith that she could either.
If she told him everything she felt, it might have been too much for him, and he would just run away. Then she would have opened up her heart to him, and he would have stomped all over it. Meredith could remember that time at the carousel, where her mother begged and begged Richard Webber to pick her…and he didn't. She had her heart stomped all over, and if there was one thing Meredith couldn't do, it would be to turn into her mother. She would give up Derek a hundred times to avoid that. She ignored the voice in her head that told her if she didn't tell Derek how she felt, there was a greater chance she would end up like her mother. But it was just too hard.
She had agreed to the forty- eight uninterrupted hours with Derek, and now she had swapped shifts with Alex, she was actually looking forward to it. No moving out of the bed, only her and Derek. There was no pesky sister she didn't know how to know, there wasn't any of her mother's ghost following her in her house or in the hospital. There wasn't any of those terrible memories of being blown up by a bomb, or having her father slap her…or being dead. Maybe in a different setting, outside of Seattle where it was only her and Derek- she would have the courage to open up to him.
In some ways, Meredith was frustrated with herself. She remembered how she felt after the bomb, wondering what was the point of nearly dying if it didn't change anything- if it didn't make Derek come back to her. But it did. Derek did come back to her, he did make a decision, and he chose her. But this time, maybe actually dying was emotionally too much for both of them. They were on different sides of the same story, and bridging the gap between the two was proving very difficult. Both of them were waiting for the other person to make the first move, and this stalemate situation was really wearing them down.
Meredith tried to tell him it was different for her, that the only way she could deal with it was to look at it positively, but really, Meredith wasn't good at talking through her problems, and preferred to suffer silently, trying to convince people she was just fine. But truth was- everyone needed someone to fall apart to, and even though she wanted that person to be Derek, and Derek wanted to be that person, she was scared to give him that privilege, because if it all got too much for him, she couldn't lose him.
She was going to tell him. Truly. She was going to tell him sometime in bed in the wine country, where she had gotten him so exhausted that he would be too tired to freak out about her experiences in 'Mergatory'… where after a marathon of sex he'd mumble something comforting like 'no Mer, you're not a freak, I still love you' rollover, and go to sleep. It was a long-shot, but it was all she had. Meredith signed charts mindlessly as she thought about the situation she found herself in with Derek. She should have just told him about it right away, when it was still real, when she felt like she still had a second chance, because now she had come back to life, she realised that this second go was just more of the same crap, and now she had lost her courage to tell him. It was on the tip of her tongue so many times, and she just couldn't say it.
Everything she had experienced- Denny, Dylan, Bonnie, Liz Fallon- even Ellis… it was all in her mind. It wasn't a reality, and how could she base her life on her hallucination? Her brain was high. What she knew for real was that Derek flirted with her sister she never met, her dad wished she never existed, her best friend's fairytale imploded. Nothing about that was clear, happy, simple, and at the moment-that forty eight uninterrupted hours with Derek was the only bright spot on her otherwise dismally dark horizon.
Two days, alone with Derek in the wine country.
Her little slice of heaven.
It didn't matter that lately every time they were together there was this uncomfortably tense atmosphere that hung between them- where the unspoken words and feelings dragged them down. Because for once, they were going to be that couple. That couple who goes on mini-breaks and comes back Monday morning with an oversexed grin on their faces, that couple whose grins and loved-up-ness was infectious. They weren't going to highlight the damage that they carried around with them everyday. It was going to be room-service and nakedness. Maybe if she didn't feel like Meredith Grey, she would stop acting like her, and tell Derek everything he needed to here. No banner of avoidance.
Meredith just had a little bit more to go, the horror of having to look after Grandpa Intern and having her ass chewed out by Mark seeming insignificant blips on her otherwise glorious plans for the weekend. She dumped the charts into the trolley, and walked down the hallway, smiling as she saw Derek in his coat and holding his bag as he punched the button for the elevator.
"Hey,I got Alex to cover for me. So, I just have to round on my patients and then I can leave. 48 uninterrupted hours." She grinned, her arm touching his lightly.
Derek looked shocked for a second as his eyes fell to the spot where her fingers had brushed his arm. His eyes widened a little and by the time he looked up, he had managed to cover up that look of shock.
" Yeah. Yeah. Um... maybe this isn't a good idea." Derek backtracked.
Meredith knew that voice. That was his diplomatic surgeon voice that he used when he didn't want to upset someone…which kinda pissed her off even more. She took a moment to think about why he would renege on his offer of a weekend of sex, and then she realised that he worked with Lexie today. The brighter, shinier, less damaged version of herself. He flirted with her in a bar once. Maybe he decided she was easier to cope with than Meredith. Maybe she spoke about her feelings, whereas Meredith didn't. Perhaps he only had a thing about bright-eyed impressionable interns, and once they became jaded second-year residents with a ton of issues he wasn't interested any more.
"What'd Lexie say about me?" Meredith inquired, perhaps a little more aggressively than she had intended.
Derek frowned, answering defensively. "She didn't say anything. I did all the talking. Oh, don't blame her."
He saw it in her eyes, lighting up with annoyance as he defended her sister. He just wanted her to know that now there was someone there for her who was more than just some random friend. If she wanted to, there was a meaningful relationship with Lexie that Meredith had lacked in her life. No one would have flown all the way over to the other side of the country for less than a day like Nancy had done. Just because she was worried about him. Given time and work on both sides, Meredith and Lexie could have had that, Derek really had believed that. And even if Meredith hadn't realised that yet, Derek could do the ground work and pave an easier path for Meredith when she did decide to have a relationship with her half-sister.
But yet again, Meredith had her wires ever so slightly crossed, and Derek realised exactly how alone Meredith had been before. "So, what? You're friends with my sister now? I mean, you talk to the other Grey, about me."
Derek
sighed frustratedly, running his hand over his face and through his
hair. He was just looking out for her, and she was taking it the
wrong way. How could they go on a long weekend break like this?
"You
know what I talked about with the other Grey? All the things this
Grey won't let me say."
He cringed internally as he said it, knowing exactly what to say to provoke her, but at that moment, he was desperate. He was on his last nerve. He needed to say something to make her talk. It was such a cheap shot, playing into all her securities, and for the first time in a long time, he felt like an asshole. Last time he felt this bad and manipulative was when he was stringing both her and Addison along. He was playing on her every insecurity.
"You can say anything to me." Meredith argued.
In that moment, she really believed that he really could say anything to her. She wanted to be able to hear everything he said to her. Maybe she couldn't, but she'd try. She prepared herself for what he was going to say to her. Maybe he would tell her that he wanted her to talk about everything that had happened over the past few months, and then she'd tell him that she would this weekend.
Derek paused, preparing himself. This was his chance to tell her how he felt, what he wanted from her, from this relationship. He was tired of subtly alluding to his desires for the future, he was taking his chance to lay it all out on the table. It may have only seemed like a split second for him to decide what to say to her, but he had been dreaming about it for a long time. He had replayed this moment over and over in his mind, and now, he was going to really tell her what he wanted, deep from his heart.
" I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime."
Meredith stepped back in shock, trying to blink out the tingles that raced through her body as Derek finished his speech. She wasn't expecting such a heartfelt out-pouring of his feelings. She thought he'd say that he wanted her to talk to him about things, or something less… permanent that forever. Because really, Meredith wasn't sure if she believed in forever. She'd never seen it, and when she thought she could have it with Derek, Addison showed up. She had nearly died twice. What if her 'forever' lasted until only tomorrow? Meredith wasn't really able to think past the next two days.
" Mm-hmm..." She choked out.
"Do you see what happens? I say things like that, and you fight the urge to run in the opposite direction. It's okay. I understand. I didn't, but now I do. I do... You're just getting started, and I've been doing this for a long time. Deep down, you're still an intern. And you're not ready."
He was pushing her, and pushing her hard. But maybe if he made this as close to an ultimatum as he could, he could kick-start her into talking to him. But now the floodgates had opened, and he had told her his aspirations in his relationship with her, it made him realise how much he wanted all of that. He was forty, he had been in a marriage that, on retrospect, wasn't everything he really wanted. He wanted more. And he wasn't sure how much he wanted that lifestyle or how much he wanted Meredith. Derek waited expectantly. Waiting for her to say something, to either jump in or jump out. Surely there must have been someone somewhere who wanted everything Derek wanted. Sure- Derek loved her- but sometimes love isn't enough. He thought he loved Addison, and that Addison loved him back equally, yet she still cheated on him, she still decided sleeping with Mark was worth more than her marriage. Even though there was love- relationships needed more than that, some relationships just didn't endure that strain, and with Meredith and him- there was more strain than in most. He didn't want to be with Meredith and feel unfulfilled. Sex and Mockery wouldn't be enough forever. That wasn't a healthy, enduring relationship.
Meredith took a deep breath. "I'm not ready right now. But things could stay the way they are, and I can get ready. I'll get ready."
Incremental little steps. That Meredith could manage. If she wanted this to work- for this to last- then she couldn't just lie and tell him she one hundred percent wanted that too. Wanting it, and believing you really could have it were two very different things in her mind. She had so much to fix in herself before she was ready to be married to Derek. Wasn't it enough that she was exclusive with him, that she only wanted to be with him? She was in no position to be accepting his fake proposal if she couldn't open up to him. She was really getting ready to, but she needed some more time.
Was Derek ready to give it to her?
In that moment, neither of them were sure. Derek deflated as the pseudo-rejection stung him. He pushed, and she fell over. He wanted to be enough for her, to be the one for her, and he could see there was something holding her back from being completely in this. Now he had said it, he couldn't go back on it. Derek hated the way things were in that moment. There was no communication, just sex, and he didn't want that. He didn't mind that Meredith had a tough year, he just wanted her to talk about it, because right now, he felt like he was literally breathing for her, and he wasn't sure if he could keep breathing for her anymore.
"Ok…" Derek relented, shaking his head. "I'm going to the trailer." He told her, before giving her a longing look to make her say some sort of magic words to fix this, but they never came. He sighed in defeat as he turned around just as the elevator doors opened. His eyes were fixed on her sadly as the doors closed, as Meredith continued to stand there in shock.
The mini-break was a step, and Derek took it back. They had never been out of Seattle together before, and she had wanted that. Who was she kidding? They were the ones that carried their emotional baggage around with them, and these unspoken issues that they had, beginning from the moment Addison appeared would follow them both around everywhere they went. She was too late in opening up to him, and now he was closing off.
Meredith began the short journey home, replaying that scene in front of the elevator over and over in her mind. She wondered how it ended up going where it went. She turned into her street, seeing George's car parked in the driveway, and the dim light from the front room diffusing out of the window. Meredith knew the wine country retreat wouldn't be happening this weekend, but she could still have the forty eight uninterrupted hours. Maybe she had to earn that mini-break. She was about to turn into her driveway, but instead made a sharp u-turn. She had to tell Derek that she wasn't going to give up. This time, she had to be the one to be there.
She knocked on the door to his trailer with three strong raps, making the metal door vibrate. She had to do this now, while the adrenaline was pumping through her veins. He opened the door, surprised to see her there. He was in his pajamas, his hair drying from a recent shower, as it was beginning to curl at the ends.
"I know it's late… like midnight late… but… it's a step Derek. The forty-eight hours uninterrupted thing…it's a step. It's a lame, stupid, pathetic attempt for me to believe this. It's not the wine country thing, it's the time thing Derek. You know?" Meredith blurted out, as she tried to catch her breath. "Remember when I was dead? Before I went in that water everything was so ... complicated. Hard. And then you pulled me out of the water ... and I came back to life. For a moment everything was so clear. As if the water had washed everything clean. Do you remember that?"
Derek winced as Meredith mentioned the day she drowned. He jumped a little in shock as she said those words. They never talked about it, about what it meant for them, because just thinking about it was painful. "I do." He replied in a reverent tone.
"Me too. And… that feeling I had…it goes away. That feeling like I can do anything, that clarity…it went away. And now I'm back to being the coward who can't tell you how I feel… I died Derek. I know you know, that you experienced it too, but it was different for me. It made me realise that… I have you. I want time. At the moment, all I can give is forty eight hours… of just us. But if you believe we'll live till 110, then we have all the time in the world. But right now… we can spend two midnights together in each other's arms. And that's special too."
Derek moved closer towards her, capturing her hand in his. "Anytime with you is special, Meredith." He whispered. "I'll meet your two midnights…and I'll go all out to actually talking to each other before we explode like this in the future, OK?"
Meredith's eyebrow arched high, as she smirked in mock scepticism. "Are you betting on us? Is this a game of poker?"
Meredith teased him, falling into the flirtiness she knew. She didn't tell him everything, but that was something, and it just might have been enough. For now. And she'd give as much as she could, in the hope Derek would accept it, and they'd just live in this happy dysfunction. That's what they did best.
"Strip poker…" Derek mumbled against her neck.
"I'll raise you…" Meredith giggled suggestively.
"You already have." He laughed, picking her up and taking her to the bed where they began their weekend together as the bedside clock turned midnight. Forty eight uninterrupted hours of this.
************************
Pain
takes my heart's place.
The love we made, we can't erase it.
Don't
want to face it.
Pitterpat, the angel on my shoulder is
haunting me tonight.
Tick-tock, the clock is getting louder, ready
for me to decide.
I've lost my sense of right and wrong,
When
justified, my soul to carry on.
I feel so damn good to write off
the rules,
but when a new day breaks, I'm left a fool.
I'm such
a fool.
Pain takes my heart's place,
Your sweet, sweet
love,
I can taste it,
But still can't face it.
Pitterpat,
the angel on my shoulder is haunting me tonight.
Tick-tock, the
clock is getting louder, ready for me to decide.
The angel on my
shoulder is haunting me tonight.
Tick-tock, the clock is getting
louder, ready for me to decide.
The sun is coming down on
me;
Could fate be so unkind?
Pain takes my heart's
place.
The love we made remains.
Pitterpat, the angel on my
shoulder is haunting me tonight.
Tick-tock, the clock is getting
louder, ready for me to decide.
The angel on my shoulder is
haunting me tonight.
Tick-tock, the clock is getting louder, ready
for me to decide.
Erin McCarley-Pitterpat.