A/N: So I just realized that I never put up the final draft of this, and I also realize that probably nobody cares, haha, but oh well, here it is :)
My hands clenched into fists as I pondered my demise. When had it happened, the day that I
died? I clearly remember the song outside the door, the urgent touch that broke me as I lay
there on the floor. Praying silently for help that would never come. I never thought of death
before moving back to Forks one year ago. Love used to also be something I never thought
about, at least not in the way I know it to be now, but these days I think of both often, and
the, much too closely, intertwined realities are how I live my life.
I didn't like Forks at all when I first moved here; it was too green—an alien country
after living in Phoenix for most of my life. But on my first day of Forks High my life
changed after seeing him in the cafeteria at lunch. In biology I exceeded ecstasy in finding
that he was the only one in class without a lab partner. He enthralled me from the moment I
first saw him, and the feeling happened to be mutual. The chemistry we had together couldn't
be ignored, and soon we found ourselves being introduced to the others family.
My dad, Charlie, isn't the type to wear his heart on his sleeve, but he made sure that
Edward and I both understood his feelings about our relationship. Though Edward, ever the
exceptional gentleman, was always extremely polite to everyone, whether they deserved it or
not, and even Charlie sometimes had trouble being rude to such benevolence.
I never quite learned the reasoning behind Charlie's asinine assessment of Edward
or why he even felt like he was entitled to it. After all, I moved here of my own free will, not
because Charlie played a vital role during my childhood. But Edward's family welcomed me
with open arms. Upon my arrival at their house one of his sisters immediately hugged me,
and then started talking rapidly to Edward.
"Oh, you are so right, Edward! She's beautiful, and she smells really good too!"
I blushed furiously while beside me Edward hung his head and shook it sadly, but
he ruined the effect by wearing his dazzling, crooked grin.
"Alice, don't scare the poor girl." Carlisle, Edward's father, admonished.
"Sorry!" She said to me. "I'm just so excited! I'm going to go find Rose!"
All four feet, ten inches of her skipped off, and my jaw dropped at the sheer
elegance with which the whole Cullen family was apparently bestowed with. I can't even
walk across a flat surface without tripping multiple times, and sustaining colorful bruises.
Edward's whole family was wonderful, and his mother, Esme, gave me a tour of
their amazing 3-story Victorian house, which they could easily afford with Carlisle's job
as a doctor. While on the tour I met the rest of Edward's siblings: Emmett—the protective,
funny, big brother. Rosalie, Emmett's wife—the most beautiful person I have ever seen—
who also has a surprising talent and love for fixing up cars, which would explain her
presence in the multiple car garage working on Edward's Volvo. I didn't learn much about
Alice's husband, Jasper, except that he's like a brooding movie star.
The first person I met at school was James. He had light-brown hair, and
nondescript features, but still an overall nice guy. I considered him a good friend until he
started asking me out. After I had started dating Edward. Mostly a jealousy thing I think, but
he kept pestering me every chance he got, and pretty quickly whatever I had liked about him
had turned sour. Then his persistence abruptly stopped one day.
A few months went by, and at the end of every school day, when Edward drove me
home in the Volvo, I would sigh with relief that James hadn't asked me out again. He hadn't
even talked to me until I was standing alone on the edge of the dance floor at prom (which
Edward had insisted we go to, much to my horrific dismay).
"Bella?" James appeared at my elbow, and he seemed nervous.
"Yeah?" I sighed, feeling the disdain bubble inside me at what I felt coming.
"I'm really sorry about the way I've been acting towards you and Edward."
Wow, something had gotten through that thick head of his! I thought, surprised.
James smoothly handed me an envelope the moment before Edward came back.
"It's just a little get-together I'm having at my house after graduation. Nothing
scary."
He smiled at me before leaving me alone with Edward, who handed me my drink.
"I think he finally realized how slim his chances are." Edward whispered.
My heart spluttered and I jumped slightly at his breath in my ear and, chuckling at
my reaction, he kissed the top of my head.
Graduation came and went, and before I knew it the time had arrived for James'
party. After buttoning my jeans I reached for my favorite shirt: dark blue, sleeveless, with
eyelet lace. I pulled my long, straight, dark brown hair into a loose ponytail, and then
grabbed a jacket as I headed downstairs. Miserable weather is never-ceasing in Forks.
"I'm going dad." I peeked into the living room where Charlie was watching TV.
"Ok Bells, have fun, but don't stay out too late."
I agreed, and then a knock came from the direction of the door, so I headed out.
"Ready to go?" Edward asked me, his hair damp from the light rain falling.
"Yep."
He took my hand, and opened the door for me like always when arrived at the
Volvo. We drove in comfortable silence to James' house which was on the outskirts of Forks
in a heavily wooded area. As soon as we knocked on the front door James opened it, and
seemed happy to see us both there.
"Hey guys! Thanks for coming."
"Uh, yeah. I'm sure it'll be loads of fun."
Edward noticed the lack of enthusiasm in my voice, and he squeezed my hand gently.
"Well, come in and make yourselves at home!" James said, smiling widely.
We mingled with a few people before I noticed that I didn't really know anybody
here. It appeared that none of my usual school friends received invitations.
"Hey, you guys thirsty?" James suddenly appeared at my side.
Edward and I nodded, and the two cups James was holding were handed to us.
We sipped our drinks in silence for a while, and then Edward made a weird face.
"What's wrong? Are you feeling ok?" I asked in concern.
"I feel strange." He said. "I think I need some fresh air."
"You don't look so great. Maybe we should just go home."
James pushed his way through the crowd of people to where we were sitting.
"Did I hear you guys say you're leaving? But the party just started!"
"Edward's feeling a little under the weather." I informed him.
"Do you both have to leave?" He looked depressed at the thought.
"We came together, and I should probably drive him home, just in case."
"I saw Angela and Ben over there just a second ago, so if you wanted to stay a
little longer, Bella, you could probably catch a ride back home with them."
"I'll be fine Bella. Go have fun with Angela. I know you probably want to spend
some girl time with her."
"Are you sure?" I asked, and he nodded. "Ok, but expect my call in a few minutes."
Edward got to his feet, and lurched like a drunken man outside. I watched him close
the door before I turned to James.
"I just saw Angela with Ben over here."
I walked after James as he led the way through the crowd, but I didn't see my best
girl friend or her boyfriend anywhere.
Beginning to feel uneasy, I felt my intuition spike as we went through a door.
Thinking it was another living area, I felt utterly confused when we were suddenly in an
office. Someone had started music outside, and I could hear the cheers of the crowd. I
squinted in the dark room as the only source of light was the moonlight streaming through a
window.
My vision started to get hazy. This is weird, I thought as James pushed me aside
and I heard the lock click on the door.
"You have no idea how long I've planned and waited for this moment." He said.
I opened my mouth to ask him what he was talking about, but suddenly his lips
urgently captured mine, and I felt myself pushed onto the floor. Now my back hurt, my
vision was getting dark around the edges, and James' hands were getting way too friendly.
"No. Stop." I mumbled.
He made shushing noises as he pushed my shirt up, and greedily ran his hands over
my skin. I tried to protest again, but I couldn't form the words. My head throbbed in time
with my heartbeat, but my clouded mind finally caught up with his actions when I felt way
too much skin contact going on.
I gathered in a breath to scream, but his right hand roughly covered my mouth. With
his left hand he grabbed both of my wrists and held them high above my head. My legs were
already pinned by his body weight and I started to cry. I couldn't do anything else. Nobody
would come to help me.
How I wished that I had gone with Edward when he left. I cried harder when I
thought of him; he would never want to touch me again. I already felt dirty, and unclean as
my body protested in ways my words could not. The pain crashed into me over and over in
waves of every kind of unimaginable torment.
Aware of everything James was doing now, I shut myself down. I wouldn't think
about it. He wouldn't get any response out of me; I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. So
in my mind I floated away. I imagined that I had left with Edward, and that his sickness had
all been an act so we could leave early. The only thing I heard was the comforting and
familiar purr of the Volvo as we raced back to my house.
Then James roughly gripped my chin and unpleasantly jerked me back to reality.
"Well I hope you enjoyed it. I know I did." I could hear the smugness in his voice
as he brutally punched me in the jaw, and I saw stars, barely aware of the damage his class
ring had done to my face. I felt him release me and heard him walk back to the door. He
unlocked it, and before he left he said one last thing to me:
"He'll never want you again." He said confidently, and then I fainted.
That was over 3 months ago, and no one had seen him since. Charlie, also the
chief of police, had every person on the force looking for James, but to no avail.
So here I sat in my room, waiting for justice, hoping to be healed of the pain.
James was wrong, Edward still wanted me, but I couldn't bear to let anyone touch
me again. It happened months ago, but it was still fresh in my mind: After I came to, I found
a phone and called Edward's sister, Alice. We had become close friends, and I knew that she
would take care of me. I didn't want to see Edward so soon after it happened; I knew I
wouldn't be able to face him.
Edward blamed himself for what happened to me; he thought it was his fault since
he left me—even though James had drugged both of our drinks before handing them to us—
but I knew the fault lay with me alone. It always led back to how everything I did was wrong,
but now it had started to hurt other people.
The only solution I could think of to end the pain and suffering of everyone, was to end
my life. I wouldn't cause anyone any more pain, and I would be free; I would be clean again.
The scars from James' attack, both mental and physical, would always be a part of
me, and I didn't know for sure if I could tolerate the pain any longer.
When Alice brought me home that night I had showered for over 3 hours. I scrubbed
at my skin until I couldn't feel the rawness of it any longer, but it wasn't until the water started
to turn red with my blood that I realized what I was doing.
I shuddered at the reminder as I sat on my bed in my most comfortable pair of
sweats, and combed my hair with shaking hands. My insides ached at the vivid memory.
"Bella?" I heard Edward's voice, muffled by my bedroom door. "Can I come in?"
"Sure." I replied, no inflection in my dead voice.
Edward, the boy who still loved me, entered my room, and pulled the old rocking
chair by my window over to my bed so he could sit near me, but still far enough away that I
wouldn't freak out at his proximity.
"They found James." He gazed into my eyes, gauging my reactions, my emotions.
"Where? What happened?" I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.
"It looks like he committed suicide. Pieces of his car washed up on First Beach."
"He…killed himself by driving off the cliff?" My voice felt raw, and scratchy.
"Yes." He gave me a grim smile. "Some justice was served, even if he deserved
an indefinitely harsher punishment for every thing he put you through."
The darkness pulled me under, but only for a moment. When I resurfaced all I saw
was Edward's face. I took his hand tentatively, and he looked at me so lovingly, but I could
barely hold his gaze. What does he still see in me? This fragile broken body I inhabit seems
so lost without him, but I realize he is the only thing keeping me alive. Keeping me here.
Edward—my reason for living—without whose love I would surely die, but with it
I know I can undoubtedly live forever.