CHAPTER 8: WHY?
Why?
Meredith had asked herself that question a few times in her life, at defining moments, and right now was one of them. She felt the whoosh of the scrub room door slamming as Derek had stormed out. They had lost yet another patient, of a clinical trial she had dreamed up.
After Derek's fake proposal, and his desire for a forever with her, Meredith had decided to explore why she couldn't really make the steps to even being close to that. She had hung out with Cristina one night when Derek had an emergency page, and they had sat on Cristina's bed, pouring over psych books, trying to find a reason for Meredith's commitment-phobia. A part of her really wanted it, knowing that her mother was never able to have it, and part of her didn't know how to have it. She didn't understand how it was easy for her to learn facts and new surgical skills everyday, but she couldn't learn how to be in a healthy relationship with Derek. Wanting it and having it were different things.
Derek was being good at taking it at the speed she wanted it to go at, but she could see that he wouldn't be able to contain his impatience forever. What if it came to a point where settling down became more important than Meredith? What if he didn't mind compromising her for a woman who wanted the house, who wasn't scared of being with one person until they were 110? Meredith didn't even know how to be with someone for 110 days without freaking out. He'd find a nice girl, who wanted everything he did, and she had to figure out why she wasn't already there.
The issues were too much for the psych textbook and Cristina, and Meredith took it to heart when Cristina half-jokingly suggested she go see a shrink:
"Meredith!" Cristina groaned, reaching for a pillow to put over her head. "I cant help you any more! According to this book, the differentials could be… anxiety disorder, depression, personality disorder, abandonment issues… I think you should go see a shrink or something. I'm a surgeon, not a psych loser."
"Psych is crap!" Meredith cried, waving her hand in the air to emphasise her point. "I don't have a disorder…" but then again, she did have some kind of problem, and it didn't matter what it was, she needed to be given the tools to fix it.
And that was why she was sitting in Dr. Wyatt's office, not speaking for three sessions. Surgery was easy compared to this- you have a tumor? Cut it out. Her whole childhood and adolescence was like a big, huge life compromising tumor, and it was much harder to cut that out and still live to see another day. Just sitting there was helping her, right? Maybe she was fooling her brain into thinking she was healing without letting a stranger know exactly how fucked up she was.
She had wanted to tell Derek she was seeking some kind of psychiatric help, she wasn't comfortable keeping it from him, but every time she opened her mouth to tell him, the words refused to come out. It was like she became involuntarily mute every single time, then she smiled, then he smiled, then they kissed…and did it in an on call room, or storage closet. She hated that she was still using the sex as an emotional crutch, and hated even more that she had only given Derek just enough to keep him satisfied in terms of opening up- she hadn't said anything more since that night about anything- anything in her childhood, anything about her drowning, and they'd been living in the hope that there was a potential for Meredith to talk eventually.
Derek deserved more. She deserved more.
'You're ordinary. You're only just ordinary' a voice in the back of her head kept telling her.
Meredith had honestly started believing that. She WAS just ordinary. Her mother had told her time and time again that anything less than being the best was a failure, but being just mediocre-ordinary was far worse- and she couldn't seem to succeed at anything. At least failing meant that you were trying, which was better than doing nothing at all. Meredith was convincing herself that she was trying with Derek- but was she really? She hadn't told him about her experiences while she was drowned, she didn't tell him how she had never had a Halloween, or that she recently 'scattered' her mother's ashes down the scrub room sink.
That fight to prove to herself and that voice that she wasn't ordinary culminated in researching and initiating this clinical trial. It was meant to save lives, give people second chances- she knew how much one of those was worth- but instead, she was just sending them to an early death. Derek and she were killing people by injecting viruses into their brains. They were failing- miserably. Maybe her mother was wrong. Failing felt FAR worse than not trying. She had forced him to agree to this trial- she knew it was a long shot, Derek would never have done it if is wasn't her that was asking him- she was pushing him, maybe because he was pushing her, and right now, they were pushing away from each other again. There were times where Meredith thought that they should just stop this trial. She should stop hiding behind the great big metaphor of it all, and just talk to him- drink most of a bottle of tequila and really be honest with him. But then that would make them even more of a failure, and that would cause them to break.
Why?
Why did he allow Meredith to twist his arm into doing this trial in which there was no hope for success? Why was he transferring the strain he felt in their relationship onto the trial? To him certainly he felt like if he was not successful in the trial, and he had to abandon it, his relationship with Meredith may die with it too.
Derek stormed out of the scrub room, the sound of the flat tone of the monitor signalling asystole still ringing in his ears, haunting him. Another death. Derek was growing impatient, and not just with the lack of success in the trial. He stopped at the board, angrily wiping the surgery off the board-Malignant Glioma: Dr D. Shepherd. Malignant- that's what this trial was on his life. Just as it was taking away his patient's time, it was taking his time away too. Meredith had promised him that they had time together- and she hadn't opened up to him. He just wanted to know things about her- and not all at once, but just little snippets on the way to work, or at lunch, or at any one of their rendezvouses.
When Meredith had turned up at his trailer, he had hope they had turned the corner, and had faith that they would last the distance, but something had changed. Meredith's lunchtimes were taken up with 'appointments' and Derek had really wanted to ask what they were for. As each patient died, the distance between Meredith and Derek grew. He felt as if failing a patient was failing Meredith. She had trusted him with this trial to make it succeed, and with every patient that didn't make it, maybe her view of him was becoming less and less too. The McDreamy neurosurgeon was no more, and now he just killed people.
Being with Meredith and working so closely with her was creating too much pressure. Derek found himself not 'looking' at other women, but noticing them. Perhaps he would have been better off with someone who didn't know so much, someone like that scrub nurse who kept smiling at him- maybe she wouldn't have been as much hard work as Meredith had. He was really trying hard to go at Meredith's pace- his reasoning being some Meredith was better than no Meredith at all. She was like his drug-he knew she may not have been the best thing for him, but in some kind of way she made him feel better. She was right. He lived for those moments where it was just him and her, and no one else. Nothing else mattered. No one understood each other like they did. That seemed like a contradiction sometimes, because there were instances where he felt like he didn't understand Meredith AT ALL. He wished he could get inside her mind and hear all the things she had wanted to say but didn't in fear of rejection.
Ellis was a terrible mother. He had realised that much from that day of lucidity- that terrible day that had set Meredith back months. Nothing Meredith did was good enough for her mother, and if she had said anything, it was immediately shot down. The only reason he agreed to this trial was because he couldn't be another person close to her who didn't believe in her and her abilities. Except now, his need to show her that she could do it was making him not believe in himself, to doubt his abilities. And despite that- despite the fact her mother was terrible to her, that he had originally chosen his wife instead of her- Meredith had remained fiercely faithful to both of them. She had not told anyone except Derek about her mother's condition until she turned up at the hospital- despite her mother telling her she wasn't good enough time and time again. Ellis hadn't deserved Meredith's loyalty in the slightest- and wouldn't have even had a clue if Meredith had made an announcement in the New England Journal of Medicine about her Alzheimer's. Meredith had taken him back, after he had decided to try again with his wife, even though he probably didn't deserve it, and any lesser person would never have trusted him again. And now, to thank her, he was killing people with her. He was taking her theory and disproving it time and time again. He was no better than Ellis- he was making her feel like a failure too. And that guilt was too much to bear.
Meredith didn't know where they were going wrong. They were using that magic connection they shared with each other- that special ability to communicate through the slightest changes in their eyes to inject the virus into the tumor in synchrony with each other- even though there was no success, they still had that spark between them, and that was the only reason Meredith had hoped. Not even killing people had killed that connection. If they could do this- if they could have one patient who lived- Meredith knew she and Derek could survive anything. A rational part of Meredith wanted to slap herself silly. How could she base the whole future of her relationship on the success of a risky trial? Derek and she had been through so much more than this- they had come back from the brink of her death, from the death of her step-mother whom she was just starting to get close to, and all the other crap, and this was the deciding factor for her- to trust him to tell him everything.
She had just come out of a session with Dr. Wyatt. She had started talking now, because she had come to the conclusion that if she talked, Wyatt would provide her with the tools to make this trial- and her relationship with Derek- a success. She had said that Meredith had no regard for her life, which Meredith thought was bullshit. She respected her life a lot- considering she had nearly lost it. But that didn't mean that she should recklessly open up to people because she nearly died.
Meredith was still reeling from her appointment as she was paged to see the chief. He was another person that she had to contend with- both professionally and personally. Meredith wondered why all the lines in her life seemed so blurred- she was having a sexual relationship with her boss, her new sister was here as an intern, she was the intern on her step-mother's case, she lived with her fellow residents, and her chief of surgery was her mothers mistress… or whatever… he was the one that made her mother become the Ellis Meredith knew, he was the one that made Meredith unable to commit to Derek. And it was about to get worse.
She jogged up to the older man, and slowed to a stop as the older man turned around and smiled at her in a greeting, as she tried to catch her breath. The smile- it wasn't a completely friendly one. It was one of consolation, and Meredith wasn't sure if the palpitations were because she had just run up three flights of stairs of because she had a feeling. And nothing good came of those.
"You wanted to see me?" Meredith sighed, trying to prepare herself for whatever was coming.
"Ah, yeah. I got a phone call from the IRB- the national board that oversees and reviews clinical trials. You've had eleven deaths, they're giving you one last patient. You get today, under the wire and hope for the best. At midnight, if you lose them, they're going to shut you down. Period. One last patient." The chief explained before turning around and heading back into the pit for a trauma.
Meredith looked at Webber's back, watching him round the corner as she stood there speechless. Why did that man take important things away from her time and time again? In that moment, she had never hated him more than she did now. If he had chosen her mother, Meredith was sure Ellis would have been a different person- the mother she had always dreamed of- Richard would have brought her some perspective, that there was more to life than her career. Because of him, Ellis was heartbroken- which she never had recovered from. Because of Richard Webber, she was denied months with Derek. If he hadn't have invited Addison to Seattle, meddled in Derek's marital disharmony, Derek would have told Meredith about Addison that night and just signed the papers. Now he was taking away this trial- her chance to show her and Derek that they could go through a period of trial and error, but were successful at the end.
One more surgery, two more patients. No matter how much you worked the math, it was impossible to juggle. Meredith would just have to lie, bend the rules. She had to make this work. She was still a little stunned about the ultimatum as she wondered around trying to find Derek to tell him. Derek had had a pep talk with her just four days before- when another patient had died.
She had been sitting on the bed in an empty patient room, trying to pull herself together, not willing to let anyone see her fall apart about this. To everyone else, it was just a trial- it hadn't got anything to do with her relationship with Derek, even though the reality was that they were both intricately entwined in one another. Meredith heard the door open and someone step into the room. It was Derek, she could feel it. She was glad she had her back to the wall, wiping her tears from her face, breathing in as deeply as she could through her stuffy nose. He was telling her it was encephalitis, he was hiding his emotions with the science of it all, but Meredith could hear that shaky uncertainty in his voice. He was hurting as much as she was.
In that moment, Meredith had another pang of painful self doubt. "I never should have said I could handle it. I shouldn't have let you go." Shouldn't have let him go home, shouldn't have let him grow distant after she drowned. She shouldn't have let him go back to his wife. She shouldn't have let him go emotionally by keeping all her feelings inside of herself.
"You did everything right" Derek reassured her.
She turned round at his words, trusting to show him her emotions at his encouragement. He knew she had been crying, but he saw her puffy eyes and tear streaked cheeks, and he entered further into the room to sit on the bed beside her.
"You did everything I would have done. On my way here I stopped and I got this…" Derek told her, pulling a bottle of champagne out of his coat. "For when we get it right."
They were close, Meredith knew that. She just needed to work out what that final push was- she had come such a long way- she was actually admitting issues to herself now instead of fervently denying them and just covering them up inside. Celebrate when they get it right.
"Because we will. We will succeed. We will save someone. When we do, we're gonna open this bottle of champagne and we're going to drink to Philip Robinson, and Darren Covington, and all the other patients who helped us change the face of medicine- we're gonna celebrate, we're going to use this as our victory dance. Meredith- we will- we are going to open this bottle of champagne."
Meredith smiled ruefully through her tears, wanting so desperately to believe Derek who was giving her his empowering speech. She could do it- she may have had a lot of work in front of her, but all was not lost. That's when she started talking to Dr. Wyatt in her appointments. Because she wanted to open that bottle with Derek.
He had told her they were bending the rules without breaking them.
And that's what she was doing with Derek. Not completely breaking up with him because of her inability to believe she could have a meaningful relationship, but putting an unbearable strain on him. How could she worry about her interactions with another person when she hadn't even figured herself out yet? They failed time and time again, and still Derek was coming back for more- they had killed Jeremy, and now they were going to kill another one. One big fat fail.
Maybe if Meredith could work out why her mother decided to slash herself with a scalpel when Meredith was five, then Meredith could fix that part of herself that planted the seed of damage. She would be able to kill it off at the roots and move on. She had made one revelation- her mother never wanted to seriously kill herself. It was a cry for attention from the one person she craved it from, but never asked. Meredith couldn't be like that. She was a passionate force of nature, that's what Ellis brought her up to be, and not just in her professional life. She wanted Meredith to fight for what she wanted in life, not to be scared. She wanted her to tell the love of her life that he was exactly that- and make no apologies for it. Ellis wanted her to balance home and work, and be happy with the compromise.
Be extraordinary, Meredith.
Ellis settled with being alone. Meredith couldn't settle. She would never settle, and that's why, on the back of the success of Beth's surgery, she was standing on Derek's land, waiting for him- calling him- and waiting for him to come back. She had proved, with Derek, that they could be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart. She was showing him how much she wanted the future, that even though it may have been scary, she was going to communicate, because if you didn't trust anyone, you'd end up alone, and unhappy.
The pop of the champagne cork rang in her ears as some of the foam dribbled onto the grass. Everything after her cheesy speech and house made of candles on his cliff seemed trivial- but this time alone together and healthier than they had been for a long time brought some much needed quiet time between the couple. Derek brought the bottle to Meredith's lips, letting her take a swig before he did the same, smiling widely.
Derek got a call from the hospital, and Meredith knew what was being said from the way his whole demeanour lifted even higher. "It's midnight." Meredith said simply, smiling as she took the bottle out of his hands, reciprocating his earlier gesture as she poured some of the alcohol down his throat.
"Beth's still alive. We did it, Meredith." Derek replied, hugging her tightly. "We succeeded. We got through the failure and the hard times, and we're still here."
"Tonight has been extraordinary." Meredith laughed as Derek lifted her up with ease, spinning her round on their candle blueprint of their future together.
*************
With everything I've ever done
I'd give it all to everyone for one more day
Another night I'm waking through
Another door I walk into
I can't break
It's a winding road
It's a long way home
So don't wait for someone to tell you it's too late
'Cause these are the best days
There's always something tomorrow
So I say let's make the best of tonight
Here comes the rest of our lives
I count the steps the distance to
The time when it was me and you is so far gone
Another face another friend
Another place another end but I'll hang on
It's a winding road
It's a long way home
So don't wait for someone to tell you it's too late
'Cause these are the best days
There's always something tomorrow
So I say let's make the best of tonight
Yeah let's make the best of tonight
Here comes the rest of our lives
Graham Colton- Best Days.