Midnight Chapter 9: Baby Steps, a grey's anatomy fanfic

CHAPTER 9: BABY STEPS.

Meredith flopped onto the bed, and felt Derek join her as she sighed in exhaustion. She felt Derek's hand reach for hers that lay limply on the bed. She looked over as he turned on his side, smiling at her through tired eyes as his lips puckered up for an easy kiss. Easy. For once it felt like it might be. Suddenly neither of them felt that fatigued by the packing anymore as clothes were peeled off bodies and dropped onto the floor.

Afterward, they both lay there in a real exhaustion, enjoying the silence- the lack of need to say anything to each other in that moment. Meredith was thinking- looking back to how momentous this day was, and how much she had achieved in moving forward in her life. That day, she had asked a boy to move in with her, and even though she was quite scared that she had done that, she hadn't let the fear consume her and push him away. Earlier, she had the urge to run as the tape dispenser squeaked against the cardboard box, and her hand shook slightly as she wrote 'Derek's fishing stuff' on the box with a black sharpie. But that urge to renege on her offer went as quickly as it came, as Derek walked past her, giving her a quick squeeze and kiss on her cheek from behind. That worry turned into a smile as she remembered the line:

'So this line…is it imaginary, or do I need a marker?'

One thing was for sure- this time she wasn't drawing a line to keep him out- but to keep him in.

Once they had both come back down to reality, they had decided to spend one last night at the trailer- it was far too late to be moving boxes to Meredith's house anyway. Meredith had gotten up to find something to eat- Derek had laughed at her need for a 'midnight snack' and he got up too, slipping some underwear and a t-shirt on to finish off the last minute packing. She noticed him putting some freshly ironed shirts into a suit bag along with several suits, and silk ties.

"I didn't even know you had that many suits…" Meredith said thoughtfully as she poured two glasses of orange juice.

They must have been a Manhattan leftover, because aside from the two times he had been in a tux- the prom and Cristina's nearly wedding…and for the interview for chief…and the talk of having a suit for Susan's funeral- he had always been in jeans. Addison knew his suits, and she knew his jeans- his work ones and home ones, the ones that had been worn and washed so many times they were wearing thin, a hole forming at the pockets, the dark ones that he wore to work with his grey coat and black shoes… the tight ones that she made fun of. She began to wonder if he had an extensive cufflink collection, whether he liked wearing tie pins, what did Manhattan Derek like to wear? She had never considered it before- she had much bigger things to worry about than Derek's changes in fashion- like drownings and parents dying.

"I used to wear a lot of them in New York- but this is Seattle. Imagine me walking into Seattle Grace in an Armani suit?" Derek replied, zipping the bag up. "Jeans and a shirt are much more me, Meredith." He walked towards her, smiling with reassurance.

"Right. Would Manhattan Derek walk around the house in his old Bowdoin college t-shirt and boxers?" Meredith joked as he laughed with her, kissing her to stop her laughing at him.

Meredith realised why she was so scared while she was packing those boxes- Derek was giving up the trailer for her- and it was something that she considered to be so quintessentially him- it oozed Derek from every square inch. During the time they were broken up, it was the memory of them alone at the trailer that kept her going. She had fallen in love with him when he showed her that airstream trailer for the first time- and told her he lived there. She recalled when she asked him whether he was going to keep the trailer during the time they were broken up- when Addison was pushing for him to move out into a house that a successful doctor-couple ought to live in- and he vehemently told her that he was staying put in the trailer- regardless of whether Addison had to keep her three hundred dollar shoes in a box on the decking outside. All it took was for Meredith to say 'Will you move in with me?' and Derek was packing his things up that same evening.

She smiled into the darkness while Derek slept right beside her his breath hitting her neck in even, contented breaths as his arm was slung around her body protectively. Eventually they would be packing their things into boxes and moving into a house they had built together. They would choose kitchen counters, type of wood floors, bathroom fixtures- and they would do it together. She'd be used to his constant chattiness, and know how to navigate around his fishing stuff left on the back porch, even in the pitch black of night, because she and Derek understood that house from it's very conception- it would be literally made for them both.

The night after, several trips to his trailer later, most of Derek's stuff was in scattered around Meredith's house, and it was then he realised exactly how crowded that house was. There wasn't enough place for four people's belongings, and according to him, the other two people who lived here were expendable. Maybe he had been slightly presumptuous,and thought that maybe Meredith would want to be alone as much as he did. When she told him that they were her family, that she couldn't throw them out, he had compromised and agreed that they could stay, even though he didn't really want them to. It made sense. If she could forgive him for choosing Addison instead of her initially, then he could live with her roommates for a little longer.

Derek had sat on the couch, and Meredith was still by the drink's cabinet, watching him watch her. She shrugged off her coat, and came to sit down beside him, as he moved up slightly to accommodate her. She sat close, leaning into him and asked him quietly, doubtfully, "So you still love me?"

Derek's heart broke a little when he saw that vulnerability in her eyes and heard it in her voice. Even though they have come so far, they still had so much further to go, the trust between them still so shaky and new. Did she really think that if she did or said something Derek didn't like, he'd withdraw from her again? He didn't like to admit that he was prone to behaving like that- they both had to move on from being like that, and place trust in each other.

"Meredith…yes…" He sighed, closing the space between her to kiss her cheek gently and embrace her. If she didn't believe his words then he'd just have to show her.

They had come so far, and it was tough, but they were getting there. For once, the anticipated step back that they always made when they took two steps forward didn't happen. This time, the shoe didn't drop. As he felt Meredith relax into his embrace, he felt all her worry that he'd give her another ultimatum seep out of her, the tension draining away.

Meredith's heart continued to thud in her chest, and she was sure Derek could feel it too, but her whole body was buzzing with pride. This was a huge step for her. She had a problem, and she didn't get drunk, she didn't freak out, and didn't run away to bitch with Cristina. She stood there and told him the truth, even though it was hard and scary for her. Derek could have said that was a dealbreaker for him and moved back to the trailer. She was glad that he hugged her, and he couldn't see her face, because shock was plastered all over her face. It worked- they were growing and changing together for the first time, they were making baby steps towards a happy and functioning relationship. Right now, Meredith felt extraordinary because she was something that her mother couldn't be after Richard didn't come for her- she had the trust in herself and realised she had the ability to be lovable. It wasn't having Derek's love that was a revelation to her, it was the fact that she stood her ground because she thought she was right, even though she felt vulnerable and scared, pushed herself to tell Derek the opposite of what he wanted to hear. She had never been told by anyone before that she was allowed to be herself, and was loved anyway…and even more special, was loved because of it. She was worthy of love just the way she was.

He realised how hard it must have been for her to tell him that- to prepare herself to stand up to him. He loved this Meredith. He needed her. She was bossy, she kept him in line, and he was sure that those fists could be more effectual than he had originally claimed. They both had to work past the damage that they had accrued over the past year and move on together- and it was both exciting and daunting all at the same time.

Derek knew that he had to fix this- fix her. He knew he was part of the reason she was so damaged, and found it hard to touch- and he knew that part of it was due to factors out of his control. But now her problems were his problems, and it was his responsibility to fix everything that was broken about that woman that he loved, who was currently in his arms, learning and trying to trust him.

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Three months later, and Derek still had unwanted roommates. He could hear them argue through the walls, they knocked on 'their' bedroom door while Derek was naked and waiting for Meredith, but all in all it wasn't too bad. He had gotten used to it. Sometimes it was nice coming home to the smell of Izzie's baking even if he didn't eat it, and it was good to have someone to talk to on the nights Meredith was working.

But that weekend, he wanted to be alone with Meredith.

In a compromise, Derek had let his trailer become Meredith's bolthole in exchange for Ellis's old office. They had just managed to sort through the last box, and had amassed enough of Ellis's completed journals to write a new surgical textbook. He'd insist Meredith have all the credit for that one. He'd just be a proofreader or something. Last week they'd hit a roadblock when their trial was named after him, and after a little prompting from Bailey, he realised that somewhere along the line he'd forgotten to say thankyou.

Meredith was beginning to feel as if life was running away from her. She was on a last night shift on a Thursday night and a weekend off, which meant that she had gotten one of those once-in-a-blue-moon long weekends. A weekend that would probably consist of catching up on weekly chores and sneaking away to the trailer for an afternoon with Derek on the Saturday. It was only eight o'clock, and Meredith knew Derek was about to come out of the OR. Perhaps if they were lucky they could share a meal of crappy cafeteria food.

Just as she considered paging him, she heard someone behind her. "Go out with me." The familiar voice said, their breath tickling the back of her neck.

She turned around seeing him flash a cheeky lop-sided grin as he leaned on the counter, eyes both tired and bright all at the same time. "What?" She asked in a confusion "Do you formally have to ask your girlfriend out on a date when you're co-habiting with her?"

If she didn't have such a serious expression on her face, Derek would have been sure she was mocking him. But she wasn't. She was learning the rules as she went along- like the joys of eating breakfast together when they could. Derek rolled his eyes, smiling brighter. "No, it's romance, Meredith. Write this down for today's entry of 'Mer's top secret journal'…"

"Meredith Chronicles, actually…." Meredith corrected, smiling right along with him. She had joked about that before she knew her mother's journal's existed. Meredith had joked once that she would have had to write her experiences of residency down in a book, because no one would believe the amount of crap she had gone through in a year and a half.

"My bad, my . Write it down… 'went on first trip away with Derek to the wine country.'" He said casually.

"Derek! That means we're leaving tomorrow, and I have absolutely NO clean clothes left! You could have told me sooner!" Meredith complained, even though she was buzzing inside. A trip away. She had never been on one of those before.

"Ha. You won't be needing any clothes. We'll spend the whole time in bed, and just before we leave, buy a case of wine to allude that we actually ventured out of the room." Derek explained, keeping his voice low in case any of the gossipy nurses got hold of it.

Meredith looked up at him from her chart. For a split second, she refused to believe him. Last time he said they were going away, he reneged on the offer and left her feeling like a dumped loser, and dropped a huge bombshell that she wasn't ready for, and set her a few steps back.

"There will be no fake,scary proposals this time, I promise." Derek guaranteed, as if he could read her mind.

This wasn't as scary as it seemed. She was taking another baby step to resembling a normal, happy couple. This was her leaping. Faith. Something. She had spent lots of lazy days with Derek before, only this time it wasn't in your frat house- youth hotel that you called home, it would be in a cute little wine lodge where there would be real animals running around outside, not Alex acting like one. She could be alone with Derek without any interaction with anyone else for forty eight hours, without wanting to rip his head off. Right?

Derek had gone home before Meredith had a break for dinner, and earlier on he texted her, telling her Izzie had left some muffins in her cubby that morning. Next chance she got to catch a break, she looked at her watch-it was midnight. Her stomach rumbled loudly, causing the night shift nurses to look up at her from their work. A chocolate muffin sounded good… a midnight snack right now.

She trudged to the resident's lounge, noticing some folded up papers next to the muffins. She took them out, unfolding them, and skimming the text, smiling to herself. It was a print out of the reservation he had made online to their hotel as proof that this was happening. At the bottom of the page, Meredith noticed a quick note scrawled in Derek's unique handwriting:

'A real thank you to an amazingly talented woman, without whom, I'd be nothing. You didn't think the kidney was it, did you? Derek.x'

Today Meredith was going have forty eight hours with Derek. These baby steps she was making felt pretty darn good.

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My empty room crowded too soon

Look for the fire escape

Picture myself running like hell

Making my get away

The walls are caving in with no warning

This ship is sinking I gotta swim for it

I'm running out of air

Break me out tonight

I wanna see the sun rising anywhere but here

Come with me this could be the only chance we get,

We gotta take it

Don't do it now we'll never make it

Lose this crowd

Break me out

We'll stare at our feet

Sneak down the street

Some kind of secret race

They carry on, won't notice we're gone

So easily replaced