CHAPTER 12: THE LUCKIEST.

Meredith was sure she should be paying more attention, soaking up the moment for what it was, but everything was going past in a blur. The food, the music, the conversation, all muted and hazy as she sat there in her chair. This is why her subconscious told her to get married in Las Vegas. Because this kind of attention on her, where she was told about true love, where everything was coated with a sugary romantic optimism which at the best time of times, Meredith was sceptical about-- that attention almost embarrassed her. This was her delayed wedding reception 'stroke' new year's party. She should be enjoying it more.

She had tried to avoid it. That's why she didn't want to tell anyone. But Izzie saw the ring within minutes, screeched to Alex, called George, and nurses at the hospital honed in like magpies to the matching shiny matching wedding rings that Meredith and Derek were wearing. They had had the conversation on speakerphone to Derek's family, who…weren't shocked, but wanted to celebrate anyway, to do something in New York with the family.

But she had married Derek Shepherd, and there was a part of him that was just itching to celebrate their nuptials somewhere other than a hotel room. He wanted to show her off, and so when he suggested that they have a quasi-wedding reception on new year's eve, she couldn't say no. That was her compromise. He had caught her at a moment of weakness, when they hadn't really seen each other for a week because they were on opposite schedules, and they had celebrated the beginning of the weekend off together with tearing each other's clothes off and having passionate, raw sex. She had been lying on the bed, sweaty and sated, and gloriously naked, trying to catch her breath as her nerve endings tingled. Where was she thinking straight in that moment, and by the time she regained her senses about the wedding reception thing, Derek was already excitedly scrolling through venues and caterers.

"You tricked me." Meredith told Derek flatly, when she had seen the size of the tent on their patch of land in the wilderness of Seattle. He'd said small. His family, her family. But his family was big, and that wasn't even counting close cousins, uncles and aunts. She had married into a family where having three kids was considered smaller than average.

"Have faith, Mer." Derek had laughed at her, his gloved hand holding hers tightly.

She did have faith. Everyday she had faith in him, in her marriage. She needed something to believe in, because she didn't have a religion to fall back on, she didn't have a supportive family in a conventional sense, and their job required you to believe in something other than the medicine. She had faith in them, had a belief in them, so that even when they were arguing disproportionately about something stupid and small, they would still be able to mumble 'I love you' angrily before they went to sleep-- and mean it.

There was something in having all the attention on her that made Meredith uncomfortable. People were there on new year's eve to celebrate her marriage to Derek, they brought gifts that Meredith would never have even thought she needed, like full sets of professional cookware and crystal champagne flutes. The former Meredith Grey only used the microwave and drank tequila straight out of the bottle. But she wasn't Meredith Grey anymore, she was Meredith Shepherd, professionally and personally:

Meredith was squinting at the computer, not because she couldn't see, but because for the first time in a long time, nothing had boggled her mind as much as what was in front of her on the screen. She leaned back on the chair at the dining table, rubbing her hands over her face in frustration, pen in her hand.

"Shit…" She whispered as she realised she had drawn a streak across her cheek, pulling the sleeve of her shirt over her hand and rubbing at the pen mark.

Meredith heard the front door open, and drew a breath. Ever since she and Derek came back from Las Vegas, she had realised exactly what annoyed Derek about having to share their house with a bunch of people. She had learned to value the quiet time, to have the opportunity to talk about mundane everyday things with her husband without having a housemate give their opinion on something that was none of their business. She wanted to fool around with Derek on the couch, and not be almost consumed with the paranoia that someone would walk through the door and either wolf whistle, or melt about how cute it was. She waited until she could put a person to the rhythm of the footsteps, but she couldn't. What she could hear was a box hit the wooden floor in the hallway, and the footsteps become louder as they came nearer.

"Hey?!" Meredith heard Derek greet in a question, as he wondered exactly which people were in their house this time.

"In here!" Meredith called out, still rubbing at her cheek.

Derek's head popped round the corner, smiling extra wide when he realised that they were the only people in the house. They had been married two weeks, and Meredith had only wanted to kill him a handful of times. That was pretty good going by anyone's standards, and all the drama and shock and pointing had finally subsided. Everyone in all the Seattle hospitals knew that Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd had eloped to Las Vegas, and now they were concentrating on the next tidbit of gossip—which to Meredith and Derek's dismay happened to be Lexie and Mark.

"Christmas decorations?" Meredith asked, watching Derek place the boxes of lights on the other side of the dining table. "It's the first week of December!"

"Humor me…" Derek laughed, coming around to her side of the table to kiss her on the lips. "What's this?" He asked, frowning at the screen in concentration. "Why would you need to contact the medical boards?"

Concern flashed on his face as his mind went over all possible scenarios as to why Meredith would need to be on that website. Litigation? Something to do with the trial? Her problem was now his problem, and his hand inadvertently tightened where it lay across her shoulder.

"Umm…" Meredith started shakily, playing nervously with the edge of her sleeve with her fingertips. But what she was about to tell him wasn't anything bad, anything to be embarrassed about. She was proud of it, and from somewhere, she found the strength to be strong and confident about it. "I'm changing my name to 'Meredith Shepherd.'"

"Shepherd?" Derek squeaked in surprise, his eyebrows shooting up to somewhere into the middle of his forehead. He cleared his throat, willing his voice to return to normal, a few octaves lower than his voice a second ago. "You don't want to keep 'Grey?' It's a good last name to have. I figured you wouldn't want to change it."

Derek's reaction and reasoning was understandable. Meredith had been so unsure of being in a working and lasting relationship with Derek, it would have been a reasonable assumption that she would keep her own last name. Your name was your identity, you carried it everywhere you go, certain names opened doors, others closed them. Many people, Cristina included would have loved to have that last name, one that implied greatness. But to Meredith, it meant something else. It meant that she was bound to a father that didn't really fight for her, to a mother who didn't really want her, to a time she didn't really want to remember.

"Grey is… 'Meredith Grey' is…" Meredith faltered. "Is the messed up kid with pink hair whose mother thought she'd never amount to anything. Meredith Grey is the girl who did illegal things under the name of 'Death' with an equally crazy chick nick-named 'Die.' Meredith Grey got blown up by a bomb, drowned, watched her mother slit her wrists when she was five years old. I think I've kinda had enough of being 'Meredith Grey.'"

"I love Meredith Grey." Derek whispered in her ear, his warm breath tickling her skin as he spoke. "My Meredith Grey's eyes still light up going into surgery, she has an understated compassion with everyone—it made me fall in love with her. She can't cook, she's messy,she snores…loudly. Don't change your name because you feel you have to, don't change it because of me. You should really want to. Don't send the paperwork, think about it for a while."

Meredith's eyes were fixed on his, but heard the 'click' of the laptop lid shut, and the papers being shuffled away from the edge of the table, as Derek flashed her a supportive smile. There was something in the way that he was looking at her which told her he was being honest and genuine—whether she changed her name or not, he really thought she'd be the same 'Meredith' to him—that he didn't really want her to change, that he loved her the way she was, he loved because of her quirks, not despite them.

With that moment of pushing his ego aside for her, telling her what he thought he ought to and not what was expected, Meredith loved him more than ever. From that gesture, a hope grew within her that maybe she wouldn't turn into her mother, that she could hold down a relationship, and a healthy marriage with a man. Although her mother provided everything for Meredith materialistically, she never gave her the love or had a hope in her that Meredith needed so badly- something that Derek had given her like no other. Even if he had hurt her in the past, even if she hadn't been enough for him before, they had still gotten to this point where they were supporting each other, and maybe if they hadn't gone through all the turmoil before, then they wouldn't have been in this position to understand each other so well.

"I don't need to think about it. I'm going to be Dr. Mrs. Shepherd." She replied, smiling back at him. She remembered that time she had freaked out to Cristina after she asked Derek to move in, about sharing her life with him. But now building a house with him didn't scare her, nor did the thought of chatty children, although she was still coming round to having five of them.

"Besides…" she whispered, shooting him a sly little smile as she giggled a little. "If I don't change my name, how else will I claim ownership of the 'Shepherd Method'?…"

Meredith's eyes glanced to her bare wrist on her left arm, wishing she was wearing a watch right now. She had no way of knowing the time, and all she wanted to do was get away for a few minutes, away from being 'Derek's new wife.' Although it wasn't an urge to run away anymore, there was still perhaps a slight niggle in her, a remnant of her mother's voice in her head telling her that this was unnecessary, saying that she almost hadn't done anything to earn this party. She had gotten married to Derek, and that was enough for her. It truly was. But then she saw Derek talking to a cousin animatedly, and got a glimpse of a different side of her husband, the guy who was everyone's favourite uncle, who always went to family parties. And for the last two years, he hadnt gone back to New York once. Meredith could speculate it was because of Addison, then the divorce, then because of her and their drama, but she didn't really know the reason. All she could do was get over her fear of families, and encourage Derek to get out to the east coast and visit his family—because, after all, isn't that what marriage was about?

Looking at people around the room, she noticed that no one was looking at her, everyone's attention was drawn somewhere else. Cristina and Owen were dancing, albeit badly, and her friends were joining them, making up geeky actions to the song, with Alex joining in reluctantly. She was thankful that Derek's family were so large they seemed to be keeping themselves entertained, with some of the younger ones on the dancefloor and the older ones gossiping amongst themselves. Every single one of those people were there for her and Derek- to celebrate their marriage. They had well-wishers, supporters. People weren't just feigning interest to make them the latest lunchtime talking point, they cared. And Meredith wasn't used to people really caring about her all that much, and that love and support suddenly made her uncomfortable, and it stifled her. Without thinking, Meredith was walking backwards slowly away from the crowd, and turned her back just as she reached the door to the tent.

She stepped outside, breathing in deeply, the cold december air hitting her lungs and biting the skin on her bare arms, causing her exposed arms and shoulders to break out into goosebumps as she stood there and shivered. The music was no longer deafening to her anymore, the people no longer intimidating. It was just a moment of peace, a time where she could regroup, gather her thoughts, and be truly happy again instead of doubting why the guests were even here in the first place. For most of the evening, she had been as happy as she could ever remember feeling—one of those rare moments that wasn't clouded with an excess of alcohol, or that need to defy authority, that hunger to prove that she had the ability to be extraordinary at something.

"Mer? What are you doing out here?" She heard Derek's voice say from behind her.

The question soon became a rhetorical one, as Meredith turned around, a little puff of misty air dissipating into the night air as she breathed out, a guilty look spreading across her face as she watched him walk towards her. She felt like she'd been caught smoking at the side of the high school or something, doing something she wasn't supposed to. Derek's hands found her bare shoulders and that shroud of peacefulness and comforting familiarity covered her with a warmth.

Derek's hands slipped down her arms to rest at her waist while they stood there in the cold silently. Just being there was enough. His fingers feathered over the smooth material of the dress as he stepped even closer, his chest flush against her back as he hugged her tighter, resting his chin on her shoulder. They both looked out to the view of Seattle below them, Seattle on new year's eve, with one lone ferryboat in the distance, crossing the sound. One day soon, they'd be falling asleep to that view, waking up to that view, building a life right next to it. Especially since they had gotten married, Derek really felt like he knew what the phrase 'it's the next day of the rest of your life' really meant.

By all probabilities, they shouldn't have made it this far as a couple. She should never have given into his flirting, she should never have forgiven him for hiding his wife from her- it had seemed like 'someone up there' had created so many roadblocks for them. Instead of thinking that life shouldn't have been that hard, they had faced everything, and it seemed just recently they were living out their reward. Derek had done this before, he had had the newly-wedded experience where colours seem brighter, smells are stronger, and you feel like no one else in the entire world could love someone as strongly as you loved your new spouse. But he knew what happened afterwards, when life took you over, where your ambitions as a couple were lost in your personal ones, how you fell into a comfortability that you craved, only for it to turn into indifference, taking your wife for granted. But he had gone through more hardships and relationship-testing events with Meredith in that one and a half years than he had ever gone through with Addison, and he knew that it took a special connection between two people to withstand the stress he had experienced with Meredith. As he held Meredith close on new year's eve, Derek couldn't deny that he did worry about falling into the same mistakes with Meredith, but he hoped against hope that they would defy the doubt and have their happily ever after in dysfunction.

He instinctively turned his face into her neck as she leaned into his touch some more. He kept hold of her tightly as he peppered her neck with gentle kisses. She was wearing the same dress she was wearing when they got married in Vegas a little more than a month before. She had argued that the dress hadn't gotten that much of a wearing, and not many people had seen her in it anyway. Even though they were back in Seattle, he was transported back to that whirlwind wedding weekend, where everything was done on a whim. And Derek had never been so glad for a snap decision in his life.

There was something about this holiday week of Christmas and new year that made people contemplative, look back on the year and reflect. Here they were, celebrating their wedding, and this time last year, they had spent the holidays apart, miserable and pining for each other while they wanted what they couldn't have.

"Derek? Never mind…" Meredith said softly, shrugging her shoulders slightly, as if she was trying to shake the thought out of her head.

"Mer? Go on. You can tell me anything, ask me anything you want to." Derek coaxed gently, his fingers gripping her a little tighter.

'Don't ruin this moment Meredith. You always ruin moments like this. Self-destructive to a pathological degree. You just can't enjoy anything, be happy for too long. Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it….'

"It's just…you know, we're here…married, on your land which is currently a building site for our house and, this time last year we weren't even together, and then the year before that you were with Addison and…well, the night of the bomb, what made you decide at that moment that your marriage couldn't last any more?"

The breath that Derek was subconsciously holding in whooshed out of his lungs almost uncontrollably. He knew Meredith wasn't worried that their marriage would suffer the same fate, he knew he had more faith in them than that, and he knew she was secure with herself finally—or as much as she could be, given her mother was Ellis Grey. But answering that question would either prompt a million other questions, which would be impossible considering he couldn't even adequately articulate a decent response to this one.

"God…how do I explain this?" Derek sighed, wracking his brain. "I had a decision to make, and sometimes when you make a choice you're not sure of, after you make it you know it's the right one, and sometimes you know it's a wrong one, and rarely, you're still ambivalent about it even after you make it. What's the point in being married if you don't do your best to try and forgive? To move on? You make that commitment and promise each other to be with each other, hopefully for the rest of your life. And then, when the other one breaks that promise, does that mean you don't have to hold yourself to the promise you made? I still—I wonder. And then there was you. There was you…" Derek trailed off.

There was Meredith. She was there all the time, even when he wasn't, even when he was doubtful, she was there. Maybe she was waiting for him, maybe after him nothing else felt the same, maybe she was to busy to look for Derek's replacement. She had always loved him- she had been patient, she had been kind, she forgave him. There was Meredith. She was there then, she was here now. Through all the rough times, she had the hope that maybe they could have their day, that all the complications would be figured out, that they could exist as a couple without all the vilification. And this was their reward. Now they finally were.

Derek cleared his throat. "There was you. And in some kind of screwed up way, it wasn't as if I lost you, because I saw you everyday, and all it took were those few minutes in the same room, or a look from across the hallway for me to fool myself and believe everything was ok between us. And then, we had small conversations, and it ballooned. I took it for granted that I would see you everyday, that we would talk once in a while, and I had become ok with it…and then the code black happened. Afterward, I went looking for you. For a few minutes, I didn't know if you were alive or dead. What hit me was the fact that I might not be seeing you around, that I may never get to speak to you again, and suddenly, it wasn't enough…"

'If love were enough,she'd still be here with you.'

"…it forced me to confront that maybe love could be enough. All that time, love could have been enough. The thought of death…it made me a little fearless, forced me to make a decision I had been dodging in my mind for a long time. I had to choose you."

"Derek…" Meredith whispered as tears sprung in her eyes. Right there, on the last day of the year, she really felt that she had everything she needed, she had more than the hope and the faith that this could work, she had the love too.

Ellis Grey was long gone, and her expectations no longer smothered her and intimidated her. Without Derek trusting and supporting her, persevering with the trial even though it seemed like it wouldn't ever work, Meredith's idea would mean nothing. At least there was something she could do better than her mother, and it was turning out to be one of the best things she did. Derek was on her side. And that love that he provided gave her the confidence to be more herself than she even knew she could be, and sometimes she felt that she wasn't quite that to Derek—until now.

If Derek had to choose Meredith, maybe Meredith could choose him too. Blinking the tears out and wiping her cheeks hurriedly, she sniffed and smiled up at him. "Maybe, after the new year's lethargy is over with- we could perhaps move out- find an apartment to tide us over until our house is finished. There are some nice apartments downtown, look at Cristina's. It's close to the hospital, maybe we could get one looking out onto the ferryboats. It could be my wedding present to you."

It was as if since they got back from Vegas, since they shared their first Christmas together with her roommates, Derek had become closer family than her friends. They had become the family you eventually grew out of but still loved, and needed to move away from in order to grow. Meredith had to find herself within her marriage without Izzie watching and commenting on her every move. She wanted to have the opportunity to wake up and eat breakfast without having to listen to someone else's drama. She didn't want to share her precious little spare time she had with Derek with another two other people.

This was what Derek loved about Meredith. Their relationship was crazy, unpredictable, it was like a soap opera with all the ridiculous roadblocks they had faced. Meredith had been through the mill and had come out stronger. He had never really thought they'd move out of her house until their McMansion was ready, and yet she suggested that they rent an apartment. She was finally ready, and she finally chose, not by force, but by choice. He looked into her eyes, knowing every fleck of gold on those green eyes even though it was too dark to see them outside. He was there for her crappy days, and she was there for his.

"Mmm…Meredith…" Derek's voice dropped as he kissed her. Both of them stumbled a few feet until Meredith's back hit the wall of the canvas marquee.

Meredith shivered, though it wasn't because of the cold, but because Derek's lips had moved down the column of her neck and onto her chest. Derek gently pushed the straps of Meredith's dress off of her shoulders. He was rendering her senseless, and she tried to lean further into the wall for support, the heels of her shoes sinking further into the soft damp grass as she tried to keep her balance. The trailer wasn't too far away. Maybe they could sneak off there, no lights on so they wouldn't get caught. Meredith opened her mouth to suggest it, but no words came out, and even if they had, Derek was now kissing her so forcefully that she couldn't do it anyway. It wasn't quite an indecent display, but Meredith wasn't sure that Derek wasn't leaving marks.

It must have been somewhere around about twelve, and Meredith wasn't sure how long both of them had been gone for, but she was surprised a search party hadn't been sent out by now. "Derek…" She said reluctantly, "don't you think we should be getting back inside now?"

"It's our party and we'll leave if we want to." He murmured against her lips, smiling.

'Wasn't the lyric 'It's my party and I'll cry if I want to?'' Meredith sighed in contentment, her freezing fingertips winding themselves in Derek's hair, teasing the dark brown locks. It suddenly didn't feel very cold out there on that winter night, but extremely hot. Her nerve endings were on fire, shocks zapping up and down her spine as she involuntarily arched her back, Derek's palms flat against her lower back.

Both of them pulled apart suddenly, hearing Cristina's voice call them. "Hey! Lovebirds! It's nearly midnight, get back inside before they start out a search party!"

Derek looked at Meredith, still coming back down to earth from their make out session. He licked his lips, tasting all he could of Meredith on his skin, before smiling cheekily, his fingers lightly pushing the strap to her dress back to where it should have been, running a quick hand through her hair, trying his best to flatten it back down before pecking her again quickly on the lips. The gesture was sweet and full of love, ending their private moment before being thrust back into the group of noisy well-wishers. Meredith wouldn't have minded if they had brought in the new year by making out against the wall of the canvas marquee they had hired to hold their wedding reception, but it seemed there were expectations.

Expectations that for once, didn't intimidate her, or scare her away, or ones that seemed unfair. Meredith was happy to compromise, to share her first new year with Derek with his and her family. Because now with Derek she was wanted, she belonged, and was loved. It made a change from everything she was used to, what she grew up with, where she was a disappointment, where she was an unwanted burden.

If only Ellis Grey could see her now.

Now she was Meredith Shepherd, she was making a new life for herself, out from under her mother's shadow. She was doing something her mother had never achieved- she was learning to be happy professionally and personally, and unwilling to compromise both. Because after all, compromises were only called that when you thought you were losing out on something, right? And from Meredith's point of view, she was only gaining everything. She was gaining a whole other side of family, a husband, a job that she was passionate about. Meredith Shepherd was a passionate force of nature. She wasn't losing part of herself, but she was reaping so much more.

They slipped into the crowd much the same way they left- without being noticed. If Derek didn't know any better, it was almost as if everyone had purposely overlooked and ignored their absence, and his eyes met his mothers, who almost imperceptibly winked at him and smiled. He heard Meredith beside him trying lamely (and failing) to make up an excuse to Cristina who was complaining beside her about saving her ass, and it seemed that the more things change, the more things stay the same, and for that, he was grateful.

"You know, it just doesn't feel the same not waiting for the ball to drop…" He heard one of his sisters say to Alex and Izzie, who were waiting for the countdown to midnight with the rest of them on the middle of the dancefloor.

"Don't say it, Alex…" Izzie warned nudging him threateningly.

"Aw, it was too easy anyway…" Alex complained.

This was everything Derek could want. That sentiment that he used to explain why he ended his marriage for Meredith rang true now as well- sometimes you didn't know what you had until it had gone. He missed his family, missed their banter, their suffocating and overbearing love. He missed his sisters' discussing medicine one minute and luxury people carriers the next, he had almost forgotten his mother's ability to organise so many kids and grandchildren. He had his wife, his friends and his family all in the same place, and for the first time in a long time, he didn't have that subliminal sense that something was missing- because it was all right there in front of him. His past, present and future.

Champagne was passed around, and the countdown started. Derek grabbed Meredith by the waist, catching her as she lost her balance a little. They stood face to face, their free hands clutching each other around their shoulders as the cacophonic sound of everyone counting down from ten surrounded them. They stood glued together, their foreheads touching, noses nudging as they looked into each other's eyes, ready to jump into the next year together and hopefully many years after that.

"THREE, TWO, ONE…HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

The cheer broke out around Derek and Meredith as they kissed each other- even though it was more decent than the one they shared a few minutes before. A kiss at midnight- it seemed like the perfect way to start their first year of married life together; they were celebrating the year just past, and hoping that the next year would be even better than the last one.

This was the land where Meredith fell in love with Derek, when he brought her here that first time, telling her to take it all on faith.

This was the land where she ran to after their first successful trial patient, hoping that he was really willing to wait if she was really willing to try and have a future with him, without being pushed.

This was the land where they were going to build a life, have children and grow old together. This was where they were going to practice their love everyday for the rest of their lives.

"Happy new year, Meredith." Derek mumbled against Meredith's lips, still holding her as close as he could, her body flush against his as everybody around them celebrated.

Meredith looked up into his eyes, seeing the complete contentment reflected in them. No one could touch them in this moment, no one could burst that bubble. Not dead mommies, not drunken fathers, not even hidden wives. It was just themselves, celebrating themselves and what lay ahead, because they couldn't control what would happen in the future, but they could go through it together, and that's what counted.

She smiled a true smile back at him, resting her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes, wishing this moment would never end, that it would be locked into her memory forever.

"Happy new year, Derek." Meredith sighed contentedly.

Meanwhile these three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love.

And this time, Meredith really believed it.

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I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns
And stumbles and falls brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it every day
And I know

That I am, I am
I am the luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street
Where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside
As you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognise
And I know

That I am, I am
I am the luckiest

I love you more than I have
Ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man
Who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away
In his sleep.
And his wife, she stayed
For a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a
Strange way to tell you
That I know we belong
That I know

That I am, I am
I am the luckiest

Ben Folds- the luckiest.