AN: This chapter was inspired by an absolutely brilliant piece of Batman: The Animated Series fanart that can be found here: http: // crispy-gypsy. deviantart. com/ art/ Mad-Hatter-Girl-Problems-74420098?offset=0. Just remove the spaces in the address and you should be able to see it. A million thanks to Cripsy-Gypsy for such inspiration.

Also, chapter four has been slightly edited. Nothing major, I just realized I left one of Crane's lines out when he slammed Joker into the headboard, and thus the following dialogue did not make much sense, so it's been repaired now. Thanks so much to for pointing that out!

Thanks for the reviews!

Two days later and they were both about to snap.

Joker refused to leave the apartment, as he didn't trust Crane not to make a break for it when he was gone. So he stayed there all day, instead of doing something sensible like chaining his captive up when he went out; which Crane had actually suggested. Well, begged, nearly. Being strapped to a bed could not be worse than dealing with the Joker all day long. Especially as the Joker did not handle boredom well.

The first day had passed with the pair playing roughly eight thousand games of I Spy, all of which focused on the same five or so objects, since the room was so empty. In between the games, the Joker had dragged Crane into the living room to watch the news, only to shut it off in disgust when he discovered they weren't the focus. Well, after watching a few idiotic talk shows, just to annoy his companion.

It wouldn't be so bad, Crane had decided, if he were able to get up and walk around. But as he was still injured and the Joker hadn't provided crutches, that was next to impossible. He'd had to lean on the Joker for support every time he needed to get somewhere, which the clown found amusing to no end. It was a long, annoying process that he didn't care to repeat unless he absolutely had to, so he was reduced to lying in bed, praying for death.

The second day was not off to a better start, he decided, pulling a pillow over his face while the Joker sat beside him, reciting poetry.

"The farmer made a scarecrow, and stuffed it full of straw. He put it in the cornfield, but the crows laughed 'Haw-caw-caw!' One crow sat upon Scarecrow's hat; he was not scared at all. That scarecrow did not scare away a single crow all fall!"

"Why do you know so many scarecrow poems anyway?" he muttered, wishing the pillow would asphyxiate him.

"'Cause it annoys ya. I do it with everyone. I know enough crappy riddles to write a book, just because they piss Nigma off."

"That's friendly."

"Hey, it's not my fault if people let me get under their skin. Like yourself, kitten, if ya really didn't want the stuff I say about ya being gay to have an impact, it wouldn't."

Right. Your making me kiss you is entirely my own fault. Clearly. He didn't answer, just lay there hoping the Joker would stay quiet long enough for him to fall asleep.

Of course that didn't happen. Less than a minute later, the clown poked him in the ribs. He tried not to jerk back. The last thing he needed was Joker finding out he was ticklish, on top of everything else. "Hey, Jonny?"

"What?"

"I'm bored."

"How sad for you."

The pillow was pulled off his face. Crane blinked against the light a few times, holding in a sigh.

"Don'tcha wanna do something?"

"Like what? We've done everything there is to do."

"Well, not everything." The Joker reached out, stroking Crane's hair. "We could pick up where we left off the other night—before ya tried to kill me, that is."

"Somehow I doubt that would end well," he said, stiffening as Joker lay down beside him. "So for the sake of our already tenuous friendship, I suggest we don't try."

"You're no fun."

He didn't answer, turning his attention to counting the ceiling tiles for the millionth time. God, he missed Harley. She made everything more tolerable, even the Joker. At least, if she'd been there the Joker would have had someone else to annoy, and then maybe all the hitting on him would stop. But no, she was still at Arkham, and probably rather pissed at the both of them right now. Not that he could blame her. If he was in her position, he'd be angry too. Of course, there was no way he'd ever be in her position, because he'd never have been gullible enough to fall for the Joker, but he felt he could safely assume she'd feel betrayed.

Joker poked him in the ribs again. "What are ya so frowny about?"

"Nothing."

"Ya miss Harley, right?"

Joy. Now he's a mind reader. What next? "Yes."

"Me too. She's a much better conversationalist, no offense. Ya wanna talk to her?"

Crane turned onto his side, facing the clown. He didn't look like he was joking. "We can't talk to her. She's still in Arkham."

"Like that's gonna stop me?"

"Are you proposing that we break her out? Because I don't think I'll be of much help there, unable to walk and all."

Joker shook his head. "I was thinking we'd call her." He pulled a phone from his vest, this one a light blue. He seemed to replace them about every day, or as soon as the real owners noted them missing and had them disconnected, Crane guessed. He still wasn't sure if the Joker had a bag of phones somewhere or if the henchmen brought new ones, though.

"We can't just call her. She doesn't have a phone."

"So what? There are phones in Arkham."

He sat up, pushing his glasses up on his nose. "What, we're going to call up the hospital and ask to talk to her? Oh, they'll allow that."

"You're such a pessimist. It'll work."

"It will not." It was at times like these that he was reminded how far out of touch with reality his companion really was.

"Whaddya wanna bet?" Joker asked, grinning. "'Cause I bet that we can, and if I'm right, I say ya have to kiss me again. For as long as I want. And just to up the stakes, you'll be able to talk to Nigma and Isley too."

On one hand, betting against the Joker was possibly even stupider than betting against the Riddler. On the other hand, there was no way this could work, and he could turn the situation to his advantage. "Well, I say we can't, and if I'm right, you have to shut up with the flirting and kissing and whatnot."

"Okay." The Joker pressed the phone into Crane's hand, still smirking. His eyes glittered, which Crane took as a very bad sign. Perhaps this wasn't the smartest bet, he decided, with a note of unease. "Dial Arkham and ask to talk to Leland."

"Fine." He punched the buttons, held the phone to his ear, and tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach. Of course, there was no way whatever the Joker was planning could be successful. Getting a hold of one inmate over the phone, maybe. But three? Especially three high security patients? There was no way. It simply couldn't be done. Probably.

He was told Leland was in a session, which the Joker had apparently anticipated, and instructed Crane to say that it was urgent. He tried to keep from biting his nails as the call transferred, not wanting to show his apprehension. Joker was always confident, but he was acting so self-assured now that whatever ridiculous scheme he had almost seemed plausible. It couldn't be, but it seemed that way.

The other end of the line clicked. "Hello, this is Joan Leland."

Crane shot a glance to his companion, as if asking 'what the hell do I say now?'

"Your name," Joker whispered, his tone implying that that should be obvious.

"What?" Crane asked, incredulous, covering the mouthpiece with his hand.

"Hello?" Leland asked from the other end.

"Just do it."

He shook his head. Oh, this is idiotic. "Hello, Dr. Leland. This is Jonathan."

There was a pause, during which he could almost hear her mind running overtime. "Jonathan Crane?" she asked, almost timidly, after a moment.

He heard no less than four voices in the background, each of them shouting "What?"

Ah. He straightened up, his emotions a whirlwind of excitement and 'Oh shit, now I have to kiss the Joker.' Which wasn't an emotion, but no emotion seemed sufficient to cover that feeling. Of course. Wednesdays, group therapy. He'd forgotten Leland had taken over recently for the previous doctor, who'd quit once the Joker destroyed her will to live. Well, fuck.

"Gimme the phone!" he could hear Harley shouting in the background, on top of Leland's pleadings for everyone to calm down and the various other voices. There were sounds of a struggle, a cry of pain, and then Harley's voice, breathless, over the line. "Jonathan?"

"Hi, Harley," he said, turning his head so he didn't have to look at the smirk on the Joker's face.

"Jonathan, are you—back off, can't you see I'm talkin' here? I'll give you the phone in a minute, guys, just back off! Jonathan, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. How are you?"

"Great, but that's not important—Get off of me, Eddie! Are you with Mistah J?"

"Yes. Do you want to talk to him?"

"Of course I want to—I see what you're doin', Pam, and I'm not givin' you the phone yet. Yeah, throw all the chairs you want, it doesn't matter! Put him on the line now, Jonathan."

"Okay." This should be amusing, he thought, handing the phone to the Joker. True, he'd be able to win her back in about five seconds, but before those five seconds he hoped she'd call him out every bit as much as he deserved.

"Hello, Harley-girl! How's my b—"

"Screw you, clown!" Her voice was still perfectly audible and just as enraged as Jonathan had expected. "We are through, you hear me? Finished! Over! Done! You think you can just ditch me like that and expect me to forgive you?"

The Joker nodded but wisely remained silent.

"Well, it's not goin' to happen, got it? We are—Jervis, get your hands off me or I'll feed that hat to you—it's over, Mistah J, and I'm sorry it ever started!"

"Harley, baby—"

"Don't you 'baby' me, you manipulative son of a—"

"Harley, I didn't think ya wanted to be with me. That's why I didn't break you out."

There's no way she'll fall for that. No way, Jonathan thought, but there was only silence from the phone. Right?

"What do you mean, you thought I didn't want you?"

"Ya didn't talk to me for a whole week before I left." It was unnerving how he did that; he actually sounded hurt. His expression, however, was cocky as always. Bastard he may be, but Crane had to grudgingly admit he was brilliant at it. "I thought it was your way of saying things were over. That's why I left, to respect your wishes." He paused, a note of hope in his voice when he spoke again. "Ya weren't mad?"

"Of course I wasn't mad." She had positively melted, judging from her tone. "Puddin', I was in the infirmary for a week, with the flu. I told you that, remember? The morning you left, when I got back. How did you miss that?"

"I thought that was your way of protecting my feelings, 'cause ya didn't want to tell me we were finished. But…ya still love me, then?"

For the love of God. Crane shook his head. Come on, Harley, you can't be dumb enough to fall for this.

"Of course I still love you, puddin'. You're not angry with me, are you?"

Okay, maybe you can.

"No, baby doll, ya know I can't hold a grudge."

"Oh, Mistah J—"

Crane could hear struggling again, then Nigma's voice. "We've got the phone on speaker now, so there shouldn't be any more interruptions."

"Calm down, everyone, please!" Leland now. "Joker, are you still on the line?"

"Yep. So how are things at the madhouse? Hey, give my condolences to the families of those guards I took out, okay? Ya can even send flowers, if ya want. I'll pay ya back."

In the background, Harley giggled. Leland sighed. "Could you give the phone back to Jonathan, please?"

"Fine."

Crane found the phone shoved in his face. "Hello?"

The response was almost deafening. All of the patients, shouting at once.

"Jonathan, are you all right?"

"He hasn't broken any of your bones again, has he?"

"Are you still takin' the medicine?"

"The adventures first; explanations take such a dreadful time!"

He held the phone away from his head for a few seconds, ears ringing, before answering. "I'm fine, unbroken, still on the pills, and haven't had any adventures yet to speak of."

"Jonathan?" Leland asked. "Jonathan—hush, everyone—dear, this is important. Do you know where you are?"

"In an apartment." He rolled his eyes. What did she think, he was going to just give up their location because she asked? True, calling up the hospital wasn't quite a normal action for runaways, but even so.

"Are you still in the city?"

"Yes."

"Do you know which part of the city?"

"The island part?" He was careful to leave his tone just innocent enough to make her wonder whether he was being deliberately unhelpful, or just oblivious. The frustration in her voice was the best thing he'd heard all week. Not as good as fear, but still funny.

"Where in the—"

"How are things in the outside?" Isley asked. She sounded more entertained than worried now.

"Great. I haven't actually been outside much," Well, that was the understatement of the year, "but the weather's fantastic. You guys would love it."

"Hey, if Mistah J starts givin' you a hard time, you tell him I said to back off, okay?" Harley broke in, over Leland's valiant attempts to bring the conversation back to order. "I'm sorry I can't be there with you, but this could be a nice experience, you know? You might become friends."

"I'll keep that in mind." Like hell we will.

"What are you up to?" asked Nigma. He could hear Leland sighing. It was like Christmas had come early.

"The usual. Plotting the destruction of Gotham, ordering loads of dangerous chemicals, eating pizza, that sort of thing."

"Dangerous chemicals?" Leland repeated, sounding horrified. "Jonathan, what exactly are you planning?"

"Oh, things," he said casually. Beside him, the Joker buried his face in the pillows, giggling.

"Explain yourself!"

"Calm down, Tetch. If you really want to know what we're up to, I'm sure Nigma can puzzle it out."

"Jonathan." Leland was back, after a moment of shushing everyone else. "Listen, dear. I think it would be in your best interests to come back to the hospital, the both of you. Everyone here misses you very much—"

The Joker had reemerged, taking the cell phone from Crane. "Thanks so much for the invitation, doc, but we're a little busy right now. Villainy's pretty time consuming and all. Rain check? Anyway, it's been fun but we've got plans to lay and Bats to conquer, so TTFN!"

"Love you, puddin'!" Harley shouted, before the line went dead.

Crane found himself giggling uncontrollably. Calling up old friends to casually discuss villainous schemes? Not so amusing. Doing it when those friends were all in an asylum? Funny. Doing it with the psychiatrist in the room and irritated as hell? Hilarious.

He wasn't sure how long he'd have gone on laughing, had it not been for the tap on his shoulder. Probably until he cried. As it was, he turned his head to find the Joker sitting beside him, grinning from ear to ear. And promptly remembered the bet.

Shit.