Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to iCarly, if I did this whole story line would have been in the iKiss episode instead.
A/N: This story is dedicated to croaker001. Why? Because of his review on my other story. It moved gears and shifts and made me come up with this story. I've been working on this for a couple days, so please read, review and tell me what you think! THIS IS A FEMMESLASH STORY, so please, if you don't like that type of action push the back button right now. Thanks and happy reading.
iRealized Something
'What the hell am I doing?' was the only thought running through my head when I was kissing him. Why did I agree to this kiss for? He looks like he's enjoying this kiss with his eyes all closed while mine are still wide open and looking at anything but him. I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Carly's gonna go ballistic on me when she finds out.
Finally, after what seems like forever, we both pull apart. I don't know about him, but I feel completely awkward right now. And what the hell, he has a slightly dazed expression with a small smirk on his face. God damn it! He liked it. This nerdy computer technical producer dude actually liked the kiss we just shared. But he agreed that we were gonna hate each other after the kiss no matter what! I am so going to hold that against him if he tries to woo me.
Honestly though, during this kiss all I saw were long chestnut locks blowing in the air, soft shy lips, and beautiful brown chocolate eyes. I didn't even see him, all I saw was her. I guess this had to happen for me to figure out something really important about myself. After this first kiss I shared with Freddie, I have come to the conclusion that I, Samantha Puckett, am gay. Not only am I gay, but I'm also emotionally connected with my best friend, Carly Shay. God, this is so fucked up. I had to have my first kiss with a boy to find all this shit out about myself.
"I'm gonna go find Carly now." I said slowly as I stood up. I had one foot on the other side of the window sill before he spoke.
"Hey," I turned back around, "I still hate you." GOOD! The feeling's mutual.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate you too. Let's keep it that way." Please, let's keep it that way. I've seen the way he's been trying to woo Carly all these years, I do NOT want that to happen to me. Finding out that I'm in love with my best friend of five, almost six, years is hard enough, but to have to put up with someone falling in love with me and following me like a love sick puppy is going to be hell. How did Carly put up with it all this time?! It's not even happening yet, but I'm already sick of it.
"Hey!" I'm surprised by his outburst and fall on my ass on the other side of the window sill. I look up and give him my most menacing death glare. I see him visibly swallow a lump in his throat and smirk. "Do you want to, maybe--,"
"NO! I told you, I hate you. Don't even think about asking me out dorkwad." I snap at him viciously. I see him flinch at my words. I can feel his eyes on me as I get up off the floor and start massaging my sore butt. "Stop staring at me before I punch you in your throat and yank your eyes out." I threatened without looking up. "Now, we have a web show to run, If you're not in there within three minutes I'm gonna tell Carly you have a shrine of her in your closet." I threw over my shoulder before walking away.
--
"How did it go?" Carly asked as soon as my foot was in the doorway of the Shay apartment.
"How did what go?" I played dumb. I was trying to get the taste of Freddie off of my lips, I was not trying to bring memories back.
"Sam," Carly exasperated.
"It went fine." I threw out lazily. "Now c'mon, we have a web show to host." I said, grabbing her hand and entwining our fingers before pulling her up and off the sofa.
"But Fred-,"
"Don't worry about him, he'll be here soon." I breathed out, pulling her to the stairs.
"You didn't do anything to him, did you?" she asked.
"Like what?!" I asked, stopping and turning around abruptly, making Carly bump into me and almost fall down the stairs. I pulled our entwined hands toward my chest, and wrapped my free arm around the small of her back protectively. Time seemed to stop as our eyes locked with one another. I was lost in those warm chocolate eyes, it felt like I was swimming in a hot tub filled with cocoa.
"I don't know. Maybe beat him with a bat? Or throwing him over the fire escape?" she said in a small voice, breaking eye contact with me. At the sound of her voice I broke out of my trance-like state and gave her a pointed look.
"I said he was gonna be here soon," I stated. "so obviously I didn't beat him with a bat or toss him over the fire escape. I should've done that though." I said the last part more to myself than her.
"Well I never know when it comes to you. You're capable of anything." Carly said with a frown. I smiled inwardly at how cute that frown looked on her, then gave her a bright smile.
"I'll take that as a compliment." I informed her happily. "Now c'mon! We have viewers to entertain." I urged her upstairs to the iCarly studio. When I stepped into the bright room, all the technology was shut off. "Hey, what gives? What happened to all the power?" I asked, confused.
"Well, you took so long I thought you might have killed Freddie, so I told the viewers we were gonna end things early." Carly explained sheepishly. I just gave her an exasperated sigh.
"Oh well, more inexpensive meatballs for me!" I cried out happily, practically letting go of Carly's hand and skipping to the table where the meatballs were placed. "I think... Spencer should make his spaghetti tacos with these meatballs in 'em! It'll be so delicious, I'll eat ten of 'em to myself." I sighed out dreamily, taking a huge bite out of a meatball.
"I can never understand how a small girl like you can eat so much but never gain a pound." Carly said in a disgusted awe at the way I was chomping down twenty meatballs per minute. "But if you want Spencer to make his spaghetti tacos with these meatballs... you shouldn't eat them... all." she finished off slowly when I turned around holding an empty bowl. She just shook her head and gave me an amused smile. "What happened to the other bowl you brought with you?" she asked slowly.
"I ate it all...," I trailed off sheepishly.
"Sam...," she sighed out.
"What?! I was hungry!" I defended myself lamely. "If it makes a difference, I offered a meatball to Freddie."
"WOW! You actually offered someone food?!" Carly asked me in amazement. "I am SO proud of you!" she cried out happily, pulling me by my upper arm and into a hug. She started jumping up and down and spinning around, causing me to follow her lead. I was enjoying the feeling of being pressed up against her warmth I didn't hear the studio door open.
"Okay, what did I miss this time?" I heard Freddie's voice ask slowly. I broke away from Carly with a frown on my face and turned towards Freddie.
"You didn't miss anything, but you ruined something." I told him viciously, causing him to take a step back.
"Oooh-Kay." Freddie said unsure. "I see that every thing's turned off, I'll just take my things and leave." he said quickly. I just continued to glare at him, and through my peripheral vision I could see Carly looking at me with a questioning look. I stared at him until he had everything on his tech cart and was pushing it towards the elevator. When something fell off of his tech cart he bent over to pick it up, I took that moment to kick him in the ass and sent him flying into the elevator.
"SAM!" I heard Carly yell as I pushed his tech cart in after him.
"I hate you," I growled out scathingly, "and don't you forget it." I said to him as the elevator door closed. It was quiet for a few moments before either one of us spoke. It didn't need to be said, but I knew Carly wanted to know what happened. I took a few deep breaths before I felt a warm hand gently being placed on my shoulder. I shuddered at her touch.
Turning around, I could see the questions in her eyes. She didn't even have to ask, I already knew what was running through her head. She wanted to know what really happened on the fire escape, but I wasn't ready to tell her.
"I'm gonna go home now." I told her quietly. I could see the hurt in her eyes, hurt because of me putting my guard up. It broke my heart, but I didn't want to tell her anything just yet.
"Okay." she said in a whisper. "Text or call me later."
"Yeah, sure." I said before turning around and walking out the iCarly studio door.
--
It's been a full day now, and I didn't text or call Carly like I said I was gonna. Right when I got home I fell into my bed face first and stayed that way, only getting up to pee or grab something to eat. It was a school day too but I stayed home, not wanting to see the hurt in her eyes again.
I didn't want to see Freddie either. I know I said I was still gonna hate him, but this is a new kind of hate now. I hated him because he was my first kiss and he was the one that helped me realize how I really felt for Carly.
For once in my life, I really felt alone. I had no one to talk too, no one to turn too. I couldn't talk to Carly, especially since it was about her. I couldn't talk to Freddie either, I just wanted to punch him in the face every time I thought of him.
Maybe I should talk to Spencer? Nahh, he's Carly's brother. It would be too awkward. My mom? No way! She's too busy yelling at the cat for not getting a job. Principal Franklin? That would help, he's like a father figure to me, in an authoritative way. I mean, we have weekly meetings where I tell him what I've been up too, but it would still be awkward with him. Maybe I should just walk up to some random hobo, at least a clean looking one, and just start up a conversation with him.
"Sam?" I was broken away from my thought when I heard Carly's small voice. I snapped my head up and my eyes widened when she was really standing at the left side of my bed.
"What are you doing here?" I asked her in a raspy voice. Ever since I got home I didn't use my vocal chords once.
"I was worried," Carly said, taking a seat on my small bed, facing me. "You didn't call or text like you said." I turned over onto my back and sat up, propping myself against the wall.
"Yeah, sorry. I've been busy." I lied. Well not technically, I have been busy thinking, so it wasn't too far from the truth.
"Doing what?" she asked cautiously, like I've been out wrecking havoc out in public. If I wasn't busy thinking, I would have been doing just that.
"Thinking." I said truthfully.
"About...?" she urged, taking my left hand in hers and tracing random things onto the palm of my hand with her right index finger. I shuddered at the simple gesture, I think she noticed it too, but she kept on tracing.
I was fighting with myself internally. Should I tell her now or should I not? Now or not, now or not. I might as well get this over with. The longer I hold it in, the longer I feel like I'm about to explode. I took a deep breath before speaking.
"About what happened on the fire escape last night." I said slowly. She turned her head away from our hands and gave me a questioning look.
"What happened? When you came back something felt weird and you were harsher on Freddie than usual." she analyzed. I took another deep breath before answering.
"I realized something when I was out there with him. I-I, came to the conclusion, th-that I liked someone." I stuttered. She was silent, waiting for me to continue. "Remember when I told the truth, and said that I haven't had my first kiss yet?" I paused when she nodded her head. "Yeah, well, that changed last night." I looked away when I heard her gasp and felt my heart break when she pulled her hands away from mine. I missed the warmth of her hand cupping mine the millisecond our hands parted.
"You guys kissed?!" she gasped out like she didn't believe me. I just nodded my head. "Wait, you said that you finally came to the conclusion that you liked someone... was it him?" she asked in thought. I shook my head quickly. This whole sharing my emotions thing is harder than I thought it was going to be.
"NO! No no no no. EW! no." I put out there quickly, trying to clear the air of that stupid thought. I sat up more straighter in my bed and tried to reach for her hand. When she pulled away and got off my bed I felt my heart shatter into pieces.
"Then who?" she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I'm not ready to tell you yet." I told her in a small voice. Looking everywhere but at her.
"Sam," the tone in her voice made me turn my gaze to her, "you know you can tell me anything, right?"
"Of course."
"Then why does it feel like you're keeping things from me?" she asked and I could hear the hurt from her voice. I looked away again when I saw tears pooling around the edge of her eyes.
"I'm just not ready to tell you yet." I interjected. "I'm not even sure if my feeling's are for real or not." Bullshit! Of course I know these feelings are for real, I'm just trying to buy more time.
"Well, you'd tell me if it was for real or not right?" she asked hopefully. I just nodded my head, still avoiding her gaze. I could feel the warmth of her hand before she even made contact with my cheeks. She gently forced my head up to look her in the eyes. "I just want to know what's going on." she said softly, staring intently into my eyes like she was trying to find something. I felt my hand automatically fly up and cup her hand eagerly. I gave her a slight squeeze and a small smile.
"I know."
"I gotta go now, Spencer's waiting in the car." she said regretfully. "See you later?" she asked hopefully. I just nodded my head and dropped my hand on my bed when she pulled hers away.
"See you later." I threw out when she walked out my door and closed it.
--
It's around two o'clock in the morning and I'm still tossing and turning in bed. The events from the last two days are finally getting to me and it's making it impossible to sleep. I feel hatred and guilt running all through my body. Hatred towards Freddie for taking my first kiss, even though it was a mutual thing, and guilt towards Carly for lying to her.
We've been friends for so long, it's impossible trying to tell her that I like, possibly love, her. We've been through a lot together though, and she's the most important person in my life. Even more important than my mother, kinda fucked up don't you think? Well too bad! I don't care what you think, I only care what Carly thinks. If she thinks I'm disgusting and going to hell and won't talk to me no more, I'd probably end up like my mother; yelling at animals to get a job.
Ahh! Forget it, I can't take it anymore. I need to tell her how I really feel. The guilt is eating me up inside. I get up and off my bed in a haste, not bothering to pull the sheets away from me fully. I fall flat on my face. I think I feel carpet burn on my forehead, but that's not important right now.
I quickly look around the room for decent thick clothes, because it's still winter, and winter in Seattle is freezing, especially when it's two o'clock in the morning. My mistake, two-thirty in the morning. My movements are quick and loud, I don't even bother trying to be quiet, my mom sleeps like a rock.
When I'm finally done dressing in thick layers, I leave the warmth of my messy home and make my way towards the Bushwell Plaza. It's dark and cold and I stay in the shadows so no one will notice me. It's about a twenty minute walk from my place to Carly's, but with the way I'm speed walking, I get there in half the time.
I'm basically out of breath the moment I walk into the lobby. I bend over, prop my hands on my knees and take deep, calming breaths of air. I don't hear any screaming from Mole Face and feel myself calm down even more. When I feel myself completely calm down I make my way towards the elevator and feel myself start to panic when I'm almost at her floor.
This shouldnt be so hard, but I feel a panic attack start to work its way through my veins when I'm finally standing in front of her door. I start breathing quicker and it feels like I'm on the urge of hyperventilating. I clutch both of my hands around my throat and stumble backwards, banging into the Benson's door loudly.
Realizing what I've just done I crawl to the farthest corner and get in the fetal position, rocking back and forth on my butt to the heels of my feet. What if Mrs. Benson heard the bang and came out holding pepper spray?! Oh my God, I'm gonna get maced in the face. My eyes widened when I saw their door open. I put my head down quickly and kept rocking back and forth, expecting some kind of outburst.
"Sam?" I heard a raspy voice call out in concern. When I looked up it was Freddie in blue pajama bottoms and a white tank top. "Sam! Are you alright?" he asked again, the worry evident in his voice. He was by my side the instant I shook my head. "C'mon, let's go to Carly's," he said, trying to pull me up. My eyes widened and I shook my head violently. "Okay, let's go inside my apartment." he said gently, pulling me up by my waist. I stood up slowly and leaned into him for support.
We sat quietly on his bland colored sofa for what seemed like hours. I was leaning against his side and his arm was wrapped around the small of back, occasionally rubbing my back trying to calm me down.
When all was quiet, like really eerily quiet, I began to think of what Freddie's mom would say if she saw us in the position we were in and I started giggling to myself. She would probably shriek and call me a blood sucking tick then force Freddie to take a tick bath. I started laughing quietly even more, making my shoulders shake. I felt Freddie stiffen up then pull back slightly to look at me. He looked at me as though I lost my marbles and was going crazy.
"Why the sudden mood change?" he asked quietly, some what cautiously.
"Just wondering how your mom would react if she saw us like this." I said with a giggle, he gave me a small smile in return.
"She'd probably go crazy." he said, reading my thoughts. I just nodded my head in agreement.
"So you're probably wondering why I was curled up in the corner, huh?" I asked softly.
"Pretty much, but if you don't want to tell me I won't force it out of you." he replied just as softly. Maybe I could tell him without wanting to punch his face in. If he says anything stupid I could always take that route and punch him in the face then throw him over the fire escape.
"I guess I should start by saying I'm sorry." I apologized after thinking things through. "Yes, I'm actually apologizing. Don't get used to it." I said with a roll of my eyes.
"Sorry for what?"
"For being extra harsh on you after we kissed." I murmured, not looking into his eyes. "I know we agreed on hating each other still, but I guess I went over board." I admitted.
"Ya think?" he asked incredulously.
"Shut up, I'm trying to spill my heart out to you here!" I snapped at him playfully.
"Okay, I'm sorry. Continue." I gave him a glare. "Please?"
"Yeah well. I don't know how it happened, but after we kissed I finally realized something." I explained. "No, it's not being in love with you." I sighed with an eye roll at the hopeful look on his face. "But I did realize I was in like, possibly in love, with someone."
"Who?" he asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.
"Carly." I whispered. I guess he didn't hear me because he moved his head in closer to my mouth. "It's Carly." I said a little louder. I was waiting for an explosion of some sorts, but was met with silence, I guess that's an explosion of silence, huh? The silence was deafening to my ears. When I looked up at him, he looked deep in thought. "Hey, you okay?" I asked after what seemed like forever.
"I didn't like... you know..." he trailed off. I gave him a 'what are you talking about' look. "I didn't turn you gay or anything did I?" he asked sheepishly. "Because we just kissed and you're telling me that you're in love with our best friend!" he explained quickly after I gave him a 'what the fuck' look. I just shook my head and smirked at him, realizing he didn't mean any harm but what he just said.
"Nahh, if anything you helped me realize something important about myself." I said smoothly, "and being gay isn't a choice. I was born gay, I've always looked at girls and thought I looked better with them than their boyfriends do. I just needed a push to realize the truth."
"So why the extra viciousness?" he asked slowly.
"Because I wasted my first kiss with you." I stated simply. He just nodded his head in understanding. "and I kind of had a feeling that you were starting to see me in a new light, so I was harsher towards you to stop that from happening."
"Alright, I understand now." he said quietly. "I'm sorry if you regret the kiss." He seemed kind of upset and I felt guilty.
"No, I don't. I'm glad you were my first kiss." I said with a small smile. "I know I said I wasted it with you, but I'm glad it was with you and not some other sleazy boy."
"Gee, thanks!" he said sarcastically.
"You're welcome!" I said happily. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders now that I've told someone all that was going through my head.
"So, what are you gonna do with the whole Carly situation?" he asked after a few minutes of silence.
"I was planning on telling her everything, but I..."
"Panicked." he finished for me. I nodded my head slowly. "Well look, it's Carly, your best friend. She's gonna love you no matter what, even if it's not in the same way. Just tell her how you feel, at least you'll know you tried something." he enlightened me.
"Like how you did every day since you've met her?" I asked sarcastically.
"Yeah basically, and look I'm proof that she'll love you still, no matter what. She knows how I feel about her but we're still friends." he said like it was a given.
"But you're a guy and I'm a girl. It's different." I tried to find a loophole.
"But she's Carly. You know she's open minded towards everything." he said, trying to calm me down again.
"I guess you're right. I do need to tell her the truth." I said, finally giving in.
"Good. Now go out there and get your girl." he rooted on, standing up and pulling me up with him. On instinct, I leaned in and gave him a warm hug.
"Thanks. For everything," I mumbled into his neck.
"Anytime." he said, rubbing my back in soothing motions.
"Tell anyone about this and I'll throw you out the window." I tried to threat menacingly, but it came out as playfully.
"About what?" he asked with a small smirk.
"Bye Fredward." I threw over my shoulder as I exited his apartment.
--
By the time I picked the Shay's lock and entered Carly's bedroom it was four in the morning. I quietly started taking off the layers of clothing I had on until I was in a white ribbed tank top and basketball shorts. I carefully pulled back Carly's comforter and snuggled into her warmth.
"Sam?" Carly asked in a raspy voice, heavy with sleep. Very sexy, if I do say so myself.
"Morning Cupcake." I greeted my sexy goddess of a best friend.
"What are you doing here? It's late." she said, shifting on her side to face me.
"I know. But I needed to see you." I threw an arm over her side and pulled her more closer to me.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" she asked, seemingly getting more wide awake as the seconds ticked by.
"I'm fine. Calm down." I soothed, rubbing her sides trying to calm her down. When her breathing got even again I continued, "I just wanted to tell you how I feel."
"How do you feel?" she slurred out, on the verge of falling asleep again. She nestled her face into the crook of my neck and I shuddered when I felt her hot breath on my throat.
"Af-after the kiss with Freddie I realized that I'm in love with someone. Someone with beautiful brown hair, beautiful chocolate brown eyes, and beautiful rosy pink lips that are always smiling unless upset with me." I explained softly. "This person has been there for me through everything and is the most important person in my life, more important than ham." I felt warm tears hit my throat and I knew she knew I was talking about her.
"Who's this person?" she mumbled, her lips brushing against my throat.
"You." I croaked out. She moved her head up until we were eye to eye. Through the moonlight cascading through her windows I could see her tears shining like stars, running down her cheeks. I slowly raised my hand up until I was cupping her cheek and wiped the tears away. "You probably don't feel the same way, but I needed to tell you. You had a reason to know." I whispered.
"It's okay, Sam." she murmured. "I'm glad you told me, I feel the same way." My eyes went wide and I felt my heart burst into a million little pieces from pure overload of joy.
"Yeah?" I asked, tears of joy falling free from my eyes.
"Yeah." she confirmed, cupping my cheek the way I was hers and wiping my tears away. "Why do you think I acted the way I did when you told me you kissed Freddie?" It was a rhetorical question, but I answered anyway.
"Because you were jealous?" I asked hopefully.
"Yeah, very." she said with a smile. I smiled back at her and shifted positions so I was laying on my back. Following my lead Carly placed her head on my shoulders and I wrapped an arm around her, bringing her closer to me. With my free hand, I found hers and interlocked our fingers together then placed it over my heart. "What's wrong?" she asked when she felt my heart beat quicken.
"I was wondering if I could get a kiss?" I whispered almost inaudibly. She took our entwined hands and moved it to her lips, giving the back of my hand a soft kiss.
"Of course," she said, tilting her head up, I tilted mine down and we met for our first kiss with the woman we loved. This kiss wasn't anything like the one I shared with Freddie, that one was boring and I didn't feel a thing. With this kiss, I felt all kinds of emotions: love; kindness; passion; patience.
With this one single kiss I felt like one chapter has ended, and another was just beginning: my life with Carly Shay.