3 June 2008
(Subject #1).
The boy wonder. The last Titan to evaluate. Their leader.
The Jump City Police Department (JCPD) had a thick file on (Subject #1). There was also a huge file on him transmitted to me by the Gotham City Police Department (GCPD). I read the latter first to try to get a sense of (Subject #1)'s career in a chronological order. It all related, of course, to his time fighting crime as Batman's sidekick. His career seemed to start at a shockingly early age as speculation was that he couldn't have been more than 11 years old when he began fighting alongside the caped crusader. It was his youth and amazing acrobatic and fighting ability which got him the nickname "the boy wonder", a nickname which the JCPD file says that he hates and which his teammates only use, on occasion, to tweak him.
The GCPD file was very positive toward (Subject #1) but with some of the same caveats as they seem to have toward (Subject #1's Justice League mentor). The GCPD openly admit that the streets of Gotham would be something out of one's worst conception of the wild west if not for (Subject #1) and his mentor. But the GCPD seemed to chafe at (Subject #1's mentor)'s and (Subject #1)'s insistent independence from the GCPD. Even after the infamous Zucco corruption cases and several others were prosecuted, the GCPD complained internally that the two crime fighters still treated all its officers as untrustworthy for accomplishing any task other than transporting thiefs and villains to their jail cells. Officers complained that even the boy had his own ideas about how to proceed on every case and simply wouldn't take orders from them. Here's one representative quote that was actually typed into a case file:
"When we arrived at the stakeout, the little skinny ass kid, five nuthing and probably not even a buck five, in his yellow cape, green speedo and elf shoes refused to do what we said. Three of us told him that that's what we were going to do and he'd better go along with it. He looked us right in our badges and said no. He said that it was too obvious and that the Joker wouldn't try to escape that way. Officer Clancy shoved said skinny ass crime fighter and was incapacitated for several minutes by the resulting blow to his soler plexus. We later aided the boy wonder in the apprehension of the Joker on the roof where (Subject #1) had somehow climbed and been waiting for him."
I should note that the GCPD is somewhat more casual with regard to files than the JCPD.
The JCPD file on (Subject #1) is similar but with, perhaps, fewer incidents of friction between the police and (Subject #1). Also, when he came to Jump City, (Subject #1) changed his costume and no longer goes bare legged, wearing stretchy green briefs and, well, there's no other way to describe them but elf shoes. He kept the rest of his uniform and took up wearing green spandex pants and steel topped hybrid running/utility shoes.
The JCPD file on (Subject #1) was very positive, much like the file on (Subject #9). Officers marveled at his dedication and said that his grasp of the science of policing was amazing. It was also noted that his instincts on how to proceed with various cases never seemed to be wrong. There was a sincere appreciation from all officers, except perhaps Captain Doyle of the Metahuman Control Department, of how brilliantly (Subject #1) has led his team so that they augment the efforts of the JCPD.
The only blemishes of any sort in the file were some unsupported speculation by police sources that (Subject #1) somehow had something to do with the famous master thief, Red X. Given his otherwise impeccable record, this seemed like the stuff of tablid gossip papers and not a police report.
Also, much as was the case in the GCPD file, there were some grumblings by police officials that, while always helpful, (Subject #1) was impossible to budge when any issue involved the safety of the Titans or their standing in the community. He had, on numerous occasions, refused to have any Titans sit for polygraph testing in regard to their various cases and missions. "The nature of our members is such that we cannot trust that so-called lie detectors will accurately register the veracity or falsehood of our responses to questions. We must decline the offer," he'd said. His sort of standoffish attitude toward the police, never making his team subservient to them, would have ruffled more feathers if he and the Titans weren't so incredibly dedicated to their jobs.
I pondered the question of (Subject #1) for two days. What, I wondered, had led him to leave Batman and Gotham and come to Jump? What was he, 14 years old and striking out on his own? In other circumstances such a boy would have been termed a "runaway". When he came here there was no Teen Titans team yet. Nevertheless, he was here. Why? Had they had some sort of falling out? There was no clue of any sort in either file. Attempts to question either (Subject #1) or (Subject #1's mentor) on this point have never elicited anything more illuminating than 'no comment'.
Also, what sort of mentality must he have to do what he does? He's smaller than the other boys on his team, only with his recent growth spurt reaching a height of approximately five foot nine. He has no super power as far as anyone can tell. Yet, he's perhaps the best fighter in the group and their leader. How does he do it and what, if any, are the psychological costs?
I took the usual boat launch to their island and was greeted by (Subject #1) at the door in his usual uniform, green spandex pants, yellow cape and red top with an eye concealing mask. He let me in without saying a word. He led me to the elevator without a word. We rode up to the sixth floor without a word and he led me to the usual room at a pace that certainly didn't indicate enthusiasm and, again, without speaking a single word to me.
Something about him was definitely different from (Subject #6) and (Subject #8) that seeing those teen boys had clarified in my mind. The former, despite his striking appearance and the outrageously tight red and yellow suit had a very low key air about him, not someone seeking attention but eminently approachable. The latter was the epitome of the alpha male jock who in some hard to describe way was constantly open to your looking at him and perhaps even demanded it. (Subject #1) also had the air of the alpha male jock about him but oddly cut off from those around him. Confidence without communication being desired. He had an impenetrable reserve, quietly angry at or maybe just wary of the whole world. He didn't invite your looking at him or talking to him. He, frankly, communicated through stiff body language and stern facial expression that you'd better not. He communicated it very strongly.
I nervously remarked that I was both happy and sad that this was to be the last psychological evaluation of a Titan that I would conduct. (Subject #1) said nothing. He didn't flinch, move or flex. If not for his chest under his red top slowly rising and falling with his breathing, he could have been dead for all I could tell. He didn't react at all. He gave me nothing in response. I sighed and turned on the recorder.
DS: This session takes place at . . 2:17 P.M. on June 3, 2008 with Dr. David Silberman and . . .
#1: (Subject #1).
(Subject #1 removed a dollar bill from one compartment of his utility belt and handed it to me, then settled back into his chair in a sort of regal pose, back straight, legs apart, arms stretched out along the arms of the chair.)
DS: Well, this is the last evaluation I have to conduct. I hope your teammates told you that I'm not somehow conspiring against any of you.
(Long pause)
DS: You did talk about it with them? I'd expect that you would . . .
(Very long pause)
DS: Are you just going to sit there?
(Very long pause)
DS: You're just going to sit there and stare at me and give me the silent treatment?!
(Long pause)
DS: The-the others, . . your teammates, they cooperated. Even (Subject #7) who mostly made fun of me. She talked. Some of your teammates used the session to talk about whatever they wanted to talk about.
(Long pause)
DS: But . . . you're just going to sit there . . . ?
(Long pause)
DS: Alright, well, look, for starters, you're-you're not supposed to wear a mask in a session, okay? I made (Subject #8) take off his mask. You'll have to as well.
#1: (grunts and removes his mask with some effort)
DS: Gee, you've got very unusual eyes. Quite striking, in fact.
(Very very long pause)
DS: Oh come, on! What are you proving? What are you accomplishing? How can I do any sort of evaluation if you won't speak?
(Very long pause)
DS: If you won't give me even minimal cooperation then I have to report that back to the City Council. I don't want to but what choice will you have given me? I'll have to tell them that all the Titans cooperated except (Subject #1) who refused to speak to me. You know what they'll do then? They'll either order you held for observation or they'll consider your refusal to comply with their order for evaluation as de facto admission that you constitute a danger to others and yourself. Is that what you want?
(Very long pause)
DS: (Sighs) This is foolish and you're not a foolish boy. Why are you doing this?
(Pause)
#1: Here's my statement! I've never harmed an innocent person. I've never harmed myself. Check the record. I'm no danger. Session over.
DS: No! Don't . . don't put your mask back on. That's right. The mask stays off. This session isn't over.
(Long pause)
DS: (Sighs) That's all you want to say?! That's the end of the session as far as your concerned?! . . . . Look! I understand that you have a terrific record. I-I went over your Jump City Police Department file and your Gotham City Police Department file before coming here. I know what a great job you've done. I'm not trying to pick on you or be unfair to you. Didn't I eventually agree to all your security demands? You started off with eight demands when we began negotiating and I ended up caving in on all of them. Have-have I been unfair to you? Did the others, did-did (Subject #6) say I'd been unfair to him?
(pause)
#1: (very softly) No.
DS: What was that?
#1: I said 'no'! Alright?! (Subject #6) was . . surprised at how . . fair you were to him.
DS: Surprised because he thought, like the others, that I was part of the City persecuting you guys?
(pause)
#1: Were we so wrong to think that? Why are we going through this process at all?
DS: But I'm not the City Council. I didn't vote to make you guys go through this. I'm just the guy who has to do this job. You don't have to see me in such an adversarial light. Some of your teammates did at first and then made it a sort of free counseling session. I'm fine with that. You can do that, too.
(Long pause)
DS: (Subject #1). I'm not here to hurt you and I can be of some help to you if you want.
#1: You think I need help? Is that it?
DS: I didn't say that. I said I might be able to help, if you want help.
#1: I know what you're thinking. Driven. Uptight. Probably just about ready to explode. You probably think I desperately need your help.
DS: I didn't say that or even think it. I came into this session with an open mind.
#1: Probably obsessive compulsive. Right? That's what you're thinking, right? Isn't it?! You think I'm sitting here anxiously trying to remember if I turned off the stove in the Tower kitchen or left an iron plugged in in my room! The others probably all joked about me and the case files, didn't they? Didn't they?!
DS: (Subject #1)! Calm down.
#1: (softly) Oh god. I'm making your case for you.
DS: You're-you're not making a case for anything. You're a bit worked up about a situation you feel is unfair to you and that you can't control to protect your team. I understood that when we negotiated over this.
(pause)
#1: (Subject #2) would never hurt anyone. You met him. You talked to him. However tough I think I've had it, I'm still me. He's . . well . . you saw. All he does is work on his circuits and his abilities and make things for us. He built this Tower, mostly just him. He did. And he built our cars and our jets. He built 'em from scratch. And I saw him catch that falling debris in that mall. I saw it from across the food court. He saved that little girl's life and this is the thanks he gets for it and that we get for it. You're fucking welcome, Jump City. Think nothing of it. Oh, that's right. You already do.
DS: Is it your general sense that the City doesn't appreciate the work you and your team do?
(pause)
#1: Depends on who you say 'the City' is. The City Council puts us through this. The police have that ridiculous Captain Doyle and her 'metahuman control division' that doesn't differentiate between, say, (Subject #6) and Madame Rouge. Yup, all the same, according to her. Allllllllll the same. Metahuman is metahuman. What a stupid . . . .! It's a dumb term anyway. I think she got it from those X-Men comic books.
DS: Are you a metahuman? Do you have a super power?
(pause)
#1: No. I don't.
DS: Do you wish you did?
#1: What kind of question is that? Do I wish I did?! Do I wish I did?! Kind of irrelevant, isn't it? What's it matter if I wish I had super speed like (Subject #6) or the ability to morph into other forms like (Subject #3) or fly and throw star bolts or control black energy or throw hexes? What would it matter whether I wished for those things or not? They don't pass those things out. You got 'em or you don't. I don't.
DS: And, I imagine that that makes it harder for you?
#1: Of course it's harder for me! Do psychiatrists always ask such obvious questions?
DS: I'm sorry. Sometimes we ask dumb questions to make sure we're covering everything.
#1: Of course it's harder doing things without a super power. But, even though I don't have a super power to offer the team I give them other things.
DS: You give them your leadership.
#1: And I train them and make them better.
DS: You train the others, too? How?
#1: Well, not just running our team exercises but individual training too. I give all of them combat training. I try to teach them how to fight.
DS: Try?
#1: (Sighs) (Subject #3) is hopeless. (Subject #6) could be the greatest fighter ever except that, well, basically he doesn't like hitting people, which, as you might imagine, is a bit of an impediment to becoming a really good fighter. (Subject #4) is actually pretty good. She's the best of the bunch. But she doesn't fight hand to hand much anyway. (Subject #5) is too damn mercurial. One minute she's into it. The next she's not. Sometimes she works some nice combinations. Other times she fights like a little girl in her Sunday dress.
DS: You left out (Subject #2).
#1: Well . . he's good but he's a strength guy, a power guy. I've taught him some things but a lot of what I specialize in is more effective for loose limbed quick reaction types. It's got a lot of applicability to him, but basically he works on his stuff anyway rather than take more fighting training.
DS: And, who trained you? (Subject #1's mentor)?
#1: . . . . . . . . yeah.
DS: That was oddly unenthusiastic. Did you not like the way he trained you?
#1: Did I not like the way he trained me? Hmm. Beating me up twice a day for three hours, never thinking anything I did was good enough and giving me no emotional support whatsoever after . . . . . Did I not like the way he trained me? No. I guess not.
DS: You said he gave you no emotional support whatsoever after . . . but you didn't finish. After what?
#1: No! Not that. I won't talk about that. This isn't some Good Will Hunting bullshit where you tell me it's not my fault and that magically makes it all better.
DS: Okay. Okay. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about. How about, let me ask, what made you leave (Subject #1's mentor) and Gotham and come out here to Jump? There was no Teen Titans group when you came here, was there?
#1: No. Everything just . . fell into place, the four of us saving (Subject #5) from the Gordanians and (Subject #2) having practically finished the Tower already. It was just luck.
DS: Why were you here, though? You had such a terrific career as (Subject #1's mentor)'s sidekick back in Gotham.
#1: Ever since . . . that, I'd been with him. But the fact that he wouldn't . . couldn't ever . . help me iwith it. I-I was pretty stable already. I didn't need support by then but I couldn't take it that he'd never helped. I was so pissed. Every tiny little thing he did just set me off. We had some blowups.
DS: You had blowups with (Subject #1's mentor)?
#1: Yeah. Big time blowups. He was all 'I did the best thing to make you as strong as possible' and finally I told him, "You know what? You did such a good job of it that I don't need you! I can do this on my own and by the way, go fuck yourself!'
(Pause)
DS: You told the caped crusader to go fuck himself?!
#1: Yeah.
DS: (Sighs) Okayyyy. Then, why Jump City?
#1: Totally random. Mostly just to be on the west coast and as far away as possible from Gotham.
DS: And how has it been leading a team? Has it been what you expected?
#1: I had no idea what to expect. Remember, (Subject #1's mentor) and I weren't a team. We were a Justice Leaguer and his . . . siiiiiiiidekick.
DS: You don't like that term much.
#1: I hated it. But it was pretty much true. He made every decision. We weren't two equals. We were him and his helper. (Subject #6's mentor) was a lot better to (Subject #6) but then, the villains they fight are so lame, maybe they felt less pressure.
DS: And leading a team . . . ?
#1: It's a lot of work. I have to try and look out for the best interests of six other people as well as my own. It's a lot of work. Sometimes I might want to be one of the irresponsible ones, but no, I'm the leader.
DS: Who're the irresponsible ones?
#1: The others, except for maybe (Subject #2).
DS: Don't they try to help?
#1: (Sighs) It's not that they never try to help. But if you're gonna help, do it right! I mean, fill out everything in the case file form for chrissakes! How can you justify not doing it all when you can type 5,000 words a minute? Don't substitute your own judgement for what counts and what doesn't. If the form asks for all the weather conditions, give all of 'em, is that so hard? And fricking (Subject #3) turned himself into a cat and he was typing it out that way, as a cat, typing out the case file with his cat's paws, like it was a game!
DS: If that's how he has to approach it to get it done . .
#1: Doc!
DS: He was trying to help, wasn't he?
#1: (Sighs) Technically, yes.
(Pause)
DS: Do you let the other team members work their way through these tasks, fail till they get it right?
#1: Doc. The files have to be right. There's such an expectation out there that we're just a bunch of kids and that we can't be trusted, that our work will be sloppy. We have to be better than everyone else. Our communiques to Interpol have to be just right. Our information requests to the FBI and NSA have to be just right. Our information sharing with other groups, Doom Patrol and Justice League, has to be just right. If we screw up, there could be huge repercussions.
DS: So, what did you do after (Subject #6) left information off a case file and after (Subject #3) was doing one as a cat?
#1: I told 'em to clear out and I did 'em myself.
DS: Is that, in any way like how (Subject #1's mentor) behaved toward you?
#1: Doc!
DS: I've done some work in corporate situations and sometimes a very capable boss will freeze a company in place and prevent growth of his subordinates by an insistence on maintaining roles, by dismissing a subordinate's efforts whenever it involves a task typically belonging to the boss.
#1: So . . . you're saying I'm bad for the Titans?
DS: No! That's not what I'm saying! I'm saying that the others might be able to do more if you let them. Just because someone does something slightly wrong the first time or was doing it in a way different than you'd wish you probably shouldn't stop them right there. They wanted to help, didn't they?
#1: Yes.
DS: And why did they want to help?
#1: Jesus, Doc, I don't know.
DS: Couldn't it have been the case that they wanted to help you out?
#1: (Sighs) . . . . yes
DS: And in response you . .
#1: (softly) Crapped all over 'em.
DS: Kind of an odd thing from their perspectives, don't you think? They try and lighten the load for their pal and he dumps on 'em in response.
#1: Okay, I was wrong. Are you happy?
DS: I'm not here to try and make you out to be the bad guy. I'm just here to talk and get at least some idea of how you think and if I can help you out a bit in the process, well, great.
(Pause)
#1: You know, I never intended to be like that. I vowed to myself when the team started. I wasn't gonna be the bat. I don't know how it got to this point. I-I don't like it myself. I don't like the others joking about what a hardass I am, calling me 'little bat', 'bat mitzvah', 'notorious b.a.t.' all that stuff, like I'm just another (Subject #1's mentor). And it's not just me shaping everyone else and their roles. They hem me in, too. Sometimes, (Subject #6) and (Subject #7) will be in their room laughing with (Subject #9) and things all get hushed if they see me come by, like I'm the bad guy. At last year's young heroes get together at the Tower it was the same way, three or four times. Watch out! (Subject #1)'s coming! Like I'm some sort of bad guy!
DS: Do you think the others have, to some degree taken advantage of your willingness to be the guy doing the dirty work to let you do all the dirty work?
#1: . . well . . I-I don't want to seem like a baby about it, but, yeah.
DS: What do you think you should do? How do you break out of that rut?
#1: I don't know. I was toying with the idea of changing everything. I hear (Subject #1's mentor)'s training a new kid. Maybe I'll go with a whole different uniform and name.
DS: Really?! That seems pretty drastic.
#1: Doc! I said I was just toying with the idea. (Subject #2) could lead this team. It'd probably be good for him to be out front more.
DS: Where would you go?
#1: Are you kidding, Doc? There are a lot of cities underserved, as it were, by heroes. We've got 7 Titans in Jump City now. Seven! And there are other cities with nearly as many people with no one. Look at . . Bludhaven. There's one. It's kind of a dump but it's got nobody. Cleveland. Raleigh-Durham. New Orleans. There are lots of places that should be better protected. Jump and Gotham aren't the only places that have citizens worthy of protection.
DS: What about your teammates? What about your friends?
#1: Well, I am real good friends with (Subject #6). But he can visit anyone anywhere in a second, so moving away from him isn't that big of a deal.
DS: What about . . (Subject #5)? Didn't you date her?
#1: . . . yeah.
DS: Well?
#1: It was over a year ago, Doc. She's hot and I was sort of . . fascinated by the way she is. But I couldn't live with it. God! It was too much. She made everything so stressful. She was so emotional. Everything was this huge emotional trial. Everything. If I wasn't out of my head excited with some flowers she's picked I'd get 'Why do you not like the flowers I have picked friend Robin?!' If I was taking extra time to finish some work I'd get 'Why do you not want to leave with me right now friend Robin?' Everything was like some sort of melodramatic test. And I kept failing 'em. Finally she couldn't take any more of that, which was fine with me because I couldn't take any more of her. So, no Doc, I wouldn't stick around for (Subject #5).
DS: Oh.
#1 Look, Doc, it's just something I've been thinking about a bit. But it's not a tragedy if it happens. We created something good here and it'll still be something good without me. And maybe if everyone else is forced into a new role, maybe everyone grows a little bit from it. Maybe I'll grow from not being like the bat toward other people.
DS: Okay. I can see that. I just have one other significant question.
#1: Okay . . .
DS: Why?
#1: Why what?
DS: Why do you do this? I don't get it. If I were (Subject #6) or (Subject #3) and I woke up in my early teens with super speed or the ability to change into any animal, yeah, I see how being a super hero is immediately the thing you think of.
#1: But . . I don't have a power so why would I do this? Is that it, Doc?
DS: It must require an immense effort of will to be as good or better without a power. Where is that coming from?
(Long pause)
#1: I said I wouldn't talk about that.
DS: Okay, okay. Well, how did you happen to be with (Subject #1's mentor)?
(Pause)
#1: Verrrry good, Doc. Very tricky. Get to the same information another way.
DS: I'm not trying to trick you. It was an honest question about which I was curious.
#1: Riiiiiiight. Well, I don't need you. I talk to (Subject #6) about everything. He knows about me. I know about him, too. I don't need to talk to you about it just because he talked to you about his background-He did, didn't he?
DS: You understand that I can't divulge what one patient told me in confidence to another patient.
#1: Never mind. I knew he would. That's the way he is. Assumes you can trust everyone and goes from there. His whole thing with (Subject #7) only left him more set in acting like that. Somebody's gonna take advantage of him some day and fucking kill him. They'll fucking kill him! And all I'll have to hang onto is 'I told you so'. That'll be a big consolation, huh Doc?
(Pause)
DS: Are-are you okay?
#1: I'm fine, Doc! Why shouldn't I be?! People die. Why get all worked up over it?
DS: It's not fine if (Subject #6) dies is it?
#1: Of course not! He's my friend. I don't want him to die. I don't want him to even be hurt. But he . . he looks at things in a crazy way. I mean, the bat's one thing, but (Subject #6's real first name) . . . For instance, even after . . . even after someone he cared about was killed. I watched him real close then, Doc. I mean, I offered him my support. But . . in the back of my mind, I was thinking, 'Okay, now he's gonna change. He can't be like that after losing . . this person. Now he's gonna see. Now he'll know'. I mean, he really cared for . . this person, really cared.
DS: Did you think your friend would become more like you?
#1: I . . yes! Alright? Yes! I don't understand why he didn't. He-he grieved and he mourned her loss and he was (Subject #6) again! It freaked me out. The . . the hurt was real. He was in pain. And then he was just (Subject #6) again. How the fuck . . ?!
DS: Was a part of you upset that he didn't change? Did-did whether or not he changed say something about you?
#1: What?!
DS: Would (Subject #6) changing have justified something to you?
#1: Doc! What're you . . ?
DS: Were you looking for justification for how you responded to what happened to you, whatever it was?
#1: (leaning forward now) I don't need anyone's okay for why I am the way I am! My parents were murdered right in front of me!! Is that enough reason to be the way I am?! Alright?! Are you happy!?! Now you know! They were killed right in front of me! (now softly and leaning back) and everything after that was completely different.
DS: I'm so sorry.
(Very long pause)
DS: Take all the time you want.
(Very long pause)
#1: (Softly) How-how's a 10 year old boy supposed to respond to that? My dad was . . . I . . I wanted to be my dad. He was such a great guy. I loved my mom so much. It was everything it was supposed to be. I never thought for a second it would end. And then they were murdered . . . . . . right in front of me . . and I went to live with-with (Subject #1's mentor). It was all a haze. I just remember feeling like my heart had been ripped out of me . . and wanting to rip the heart out of whoever had done it. I wanted to get back at them.
DS: The people who'd murdered your parents?
#1: Not just them. Anyone who ever did anything like that. Every criminal everywhere. And I got taken in by (Subject #1's mentor). At first I thought he was just this-this guy. But then I realized he was (Subject #1's mentor). And I wanted to do that, too. I had to do that. Had to Doc. I pleaded with him and finally he said okay. He started training me, almost round the clock. It was brutal, Doc. I don't know if I'd done it if I'd known. But once I'd gone one step in, how could I not take a second. And after a second, why not at least try to take a third. It was brutal. I think half the time, there was one more person whose heart I wanted to rip out. But it served its purpose. I went from being this . . damaged boy to one seriously dangerous little motherfucker in about six months. And I started patrolling with (Subject #1's mentor) and it felt good. There were so many levels it felt good on, the people you helped, the crooks you hurt, oh yeah, it was payback time. And nobody pays back quite like (Subject #1's mentor).
DS: Did you ever get the people who murdered your parents?
(Pause)
#1: Someone else did. These other lowlifes that (Subject #1's mentor) and I sent to jail took them out. We only found out about it after the fact. I never got to catch those scum . . . . . . . . . I never had to see what I would do if I got my hands on them. I used to wonder about that while (Subject #1's mentor) was training me. I used to hit the heavy bag imagining it being one of those guys. I used to practice flying kicks imagining my heel breaking one of their noses. And I used to wonder what I would do afterward. Would I just . . quit? Kind of 'this is what I came for and now it's done'. I wasn't sure . . . . Or maybe I was. Oh hell, maybe I just wanted to tell myself that I'd stop. Maybe it seemed less . . obsessive. I . . I didn't want to admit it but all that pain, all that training changed me. And it didn't stop once I first went out on missions with him. I was training till the day I left. And, well, you remember I said that (Subject #6) could be the greatest fighter ever except for one thing?
DS: Right. Except . . you said he doesn't like to hit anyone.
#1: Exactly . . . . . . well, I don't mind hitting people, Doc. In fact, I kind of like it. I never hit anyone innocent. I'm not indiscriminate for chrissakes. But I like a fight. I enjoy it. I kind of knew how I was changing. I wanted to think I could walk away. Those scum took away my mom and dad. If I let them make me something completely different, is that giving them something else? Is that one more victory over my family? My parents didn't know this version of me. Who was this new guy? It wasn't who my parents had wanted me to be. But the truth is I enjoy what I do. And I enjoy doing it right.
DS: So . . when your good friend, (Subject #6) experienced a great loss, you thought that maybe if he went through the same thing, the loss and the pain and the reaction to it that he would understand you better. Maybe you wouldn't feel quite so alone. But he processed it differently.
#1: . . . . . . . Yeah, I guess. He . . . he's weird.
DS: We all are, to each other.
#1 We're all damaged goods, Doc. Everyone on the team, I mean. Maybe that's why we all do it.
DS: Well, I'm really more concerned with the hows. Sometimes the whys lead to the hows but sometimes a bad why still ends up with a good how.
#1: I try to do it the best I can, Doc. I really couldn't be any more dedicated to doing this as well as possible. I've never hurt an innocent person. And I never knowingly will. Maybe I act like a bit of a jerk sometimes. But it's just from trying to do my best.
DS: I think I understand. Why don't we stop there.