A/n: I've convinced myself that the long wait for this chapter was in fact necessary, as it needed time to stew in its own juices. I've had bits of it written for months and months, (you know that wonderful feeling when paragraphs pop into your head fully-formed and without needing any revision), and there are bits that needed some major work. I guess this chapter is pretty much the reason I wrote this story in the first place, so I'm excited to get to it. Of course, with that kind of hype, it certainly won't live up to my own expectations, but I hope you guys enjoy it anyway.

Really big thanks go out again to KameTerra for giving me feedback on this chapter. If you haven't already, go give her stories some love!

This is the last chapter before the epilogue!

Oh, and warning for disturbing imagery, I guess.

Chapter 15 – Absolution


Raphael faced Leonardo across the dojo floor.

"C'mon, Raph, let's spar," Leo wheedled. "You need the practice."

"Alright," Raph growled reluctantly, "but just… be careful."

A gentle laugh. "It's you who needs to be careful, little brother."

Raph clamped down on his anxiety, and raised his sais to a ready position. He took a deep breath. Nothing happened – no hallucination of blood and pain, no pleading eyes, just his brother standing there, ready for him, swords waiting. Okay, maybe he could handle this spar after all. The hilts of the sais felt comfortable in his hands. Natural.

They began to circle each other watchfully. Leo made the first probing attack when he realised that Raph wasn't going to, and the sais responded instinctually. The sound of steel on steel seemed to awaken something in the younger turtle, and he began to work his way closer under Leo's defences, his movements becoming more aggressive.

Then everything tilted, just a bit.

"I'm better than you," said Leo quietly. His mouth hadn't moved, but Raph had heard his voice. He fumbled a manoeuvre slightly in shock, and now Leo was advancing on him.

"You call that an attack?" His words echoed around the dojo again, and again his mouth had remained closed.

"What the hell?" Raph tried to say, but found he couldn't speak. He was panting for breath now, gradually being backed into the wall. Cornered.

He knew. He knew what was going to happen.

He made one desperate attempt to throw his sais to the floor but it felt like the handles had melted and fused to his hands.

Cornered. Fight. Kill. No!

Yes.

He snarled around his fangs, and suddenly it was Leo who was retreating, barely holding his own against the vicious whirlwind of claws and teeth that his brother had become.

"Raph, wait!" Now he was speaking normally again, but Raphael no longer understood the words.

Harsh breathing. Then…

The screech of broken swords.

He was liquid power as he landed a kick that sent Leo spinning to the ground. Raph was quickly on top of him, his sai stabbing down an inch from his throat.

He looked down to meet his brother's wide, confused eyes.

He smiled.

And then he drew the sharpened point across the throat, swiftly and forcefully.

Raph felt Leo's body jerk and twitch under his own as the blood spurted from the ragged gash in his throat, which was making a horrible gurgling noise. Raphael could not look away from his eyes – could do nothing, feel nothing, as the body beneath him weakened and its thrashing movements gradually slowed. He held it down with his own weight, his expression detached and practical, until it was utterly still.

Now Leo's eyes were glassy, and there was a widening pool of ruby liquid on the floor. The air was thick with its coppery scent, cloying his nostrils. Raphael dipped his fingers into the warm blood, rubbed it all over his hands, and felt a deep, primal satisfaction.

There was a voice inside of him, faint, but gradually getting louder.

No, no, no, Leo, no, oh God, no, Leo Leo Leo…

The voice choked over the silent words, but couldn't seem to stop, and soon it was screaming inside his head.

His mouth was stitched again, and the walls of the dojo were rapidly shrinking in towards him. The roof came down until it was pressing against his head, forcing him to hunch over. He tried to push back at it but there were chains wrapped around his arms, around his ankles, the walls were no longer brick but cold metal bars pressing into his flesh, and he was being pushed down into the puddle of Leo's blood…

He jerked awake in his hammock, fighting desperately against the blankets tangled around his body. His breath punched in and out of his lungs in huge, sobbing gasps. In the darkness he could still feel the walls pressing in on him, so he propelled himself out of the hammock and staggered over to hit the light switch. The illumination revealed the walls to be as unmoving as usual. He pressed a hand to his mouth, frantically feeling for stitching that wasn't there. Now he could feel something wet on his lips. He looked down.

There was blood on his hands, glinting in the light. And now he could taste it.

Raphael ran.

He made it as far as the main room of the lair before he tripped on the edge of the rug in front of the couch and tumbled ungracefully to the ground, heart thumping in wild panic. He felt like he hadn't quite woken up from the nightmare – the blood, the walls – he needed to get out.

Light flooded over him suddenly as the main lights of the lair switched on.

"…Raph? What are you doing?"

Leo. Of course it had to be Leo who found him here like this, sprawled out on the floor and scrabbling to get up. He forced himself to speak, though it sounded nothing like his own voice. "Out. Gotta get out."

Leo jumped silently down to the main level, appraising the situation. He must have noticed the wild look in his brother's eyes, because he didn't immediately refuse. "Okay, but I'm going with you," he said, in a tone that suggested he was preparing for an argument.

"Right," Raphael rasped distractedly, "whatever, let's go." He'd made it up off the rug by this point, and now he began to run to the exit, not really caring if Leo was keeping up.

Out in the tunnels, the sound of their breath and their running feet bounced off the walls and echoed, making Raph feel even more claustrophobic. Something was chasing him. He ran faster. Apart from the sounds of his pursuit, Leo was blessedly silent.

They burst out into the alleyway, but Raphael didn't even pause, clattering straight up the fire escape without losing any speed.

"Raph," Leo hissed at the noise, but his brother didn't seem to be listening.

He flung himself onto the rooftop with a gasp like he was coming up for air after being trapped underwater. He crossed the roof and leaned heavily on the ledge opposite, his head tilted back to take in the sky. The feeling of being closed in finally began to ease, but only slightly. No matter how fast he ran or how close to the sky he climbed, he knew he couldn't escape it completely. The residual horror of the dream clung to him stubbornly, despite the light breeze that blew across the rooftops, making his skin shiver in relief at the touch of the open air.

Raph could sense Leo approaching cautiously behind him, and could feel the weight of concern in those watchful eyes. When he came to Raph's side he made a small, truncated movement, as if he had been about to lay a hand on his shoulder but then thought better of it. Instead he leaned next to Raph on the low stone wall.

Raph's breathing gradually began to slow to a more normal rate. He ignored the little sideways glances that Leo kept slipping him from the corner of his eye, obviously trying not to be caught staring.

"… Damn," huffed Raph eventually, when his stupidity had sunken in. Why the hell had he let Leo follow him up there? He was the last person Raph wanted to deal with right now.

"Damn what?" asked Leo. "What happened?" Then his eyes moved to Raph's hands and widened when he noticed the blood. Raph's wrist was caught carefully but firmly, his half-formed protests easily ignored while Leo examined the knuckles. "Nightmare," Leo said in dawning understanding. "You had a nightmare. Geez, Raph, you must have been bleeding all over your walls again. You should get Don to look at that in the morning."

It's yours, Raph wanted to say. The blood, it's yours. He tugged his wrist out of Leo's hands.

Apparently, though, Leo wouldn't let the matter go that easily.

"Did you dream about Darmonaz?"

Raph wouldn't look at him. "Not exactly. Or, maybe it was. I don't even know any more. Just had to get outside." It was his first time out since he'd been in captivity, with the exception of that one short trip between his cage and the Battleshell, and the sky still seemed alarmingly vast and alien. Unfamiliar.

"If the police weren't after him right now," Leo growled to himself, "I'd – "

"Don't. Just leave it."

The weary acceptance in Raph's voice seemed to spark off something in Leo, and the next second he was lashing out in frustration.

"Why can't you just be angry?"

The unspoken question hung in their air between them: Why can't you just be the brother I knew? Subconsciously, Raph knew that Leo had been waiting and waiting for the inevitable explosion of his anger, and its absence had left his brother on edge.

But Raph was glad that Leo was angry. It was like he knew that Raph couldn't take the anger for himself just yet, so he was guarding it for him until he could reclaim it. If Leo was angry, then it meant he didn't have to be.

"Why should I be angry?" he asked, perfectly reasonable.

"Why should you –– ?" Leo looked at him in sheer disbelief, then threw his hands in the air. "Because it's not fair! Because no one deserves what happened to you! Because they had no right to do what they did!"

Leo sounded like he was yelling past a growing lump in his throat, and Raph heard him swallow before taking a couple of deep, slow breaths, obviously trying to get himself under control. When he next spoke his voice was quiet and unsteady, his eyes suspiciously damp. "God, Raph… why shouldn't you be angry?"

Raph still hadn't looked at him directly throughout his explosion. His gaze was turned out over the lights of the city.

"I had these dreams," he said very slowly, "when I was in there."

He couldn't really believe that he was saying the words out loud, and he let the haze of unreality wash over him so that he could continue speaking.

"It was like that night on the rooftop. The Winters thing. I was an animal. I… killed you. Every time. Over and over." He was shaking now. "I couldn't stop myself. Fuck, Leo, there was so much blood, and I didn't even care, I just…"

"Raph, stop!" Leo cut him off, horrified. "Don't say things like that. It doesn't matter what they did to you, you're not an animal. You're my brother. And I trust you – remember?" He took Raph firmly by the upper arms, giving him a little shake for emphasis, and forced him to meet his eyes. "Always have. Always will."

"You shouldn't." Raph pulled away again. He felt sickened, like he wanted to crawl out of his own skin. How could Leo even bare to touch him? He spun to put his shell to the wall (with perhaps more force than necessary), and sank down until he was sitting with his knees drawn up to his chest. Leo joined him, persistent.

"They lied to you. Whatever they told you, whatever they said about you, it's not true. They don't know you."

"Sure," Raph agreed tonelessly. "If they actually knew about all the things I've done, they woulda hated me even more."

Leonardo, of course, had never known when to quit, and now he pressed on stubbornly.

"They don't know the lengths you'd go to in order to protect your family. Or how you strive to protect the world even when it's ugly, even when – when it seems beyond saving. They don't know any of that." He clenched his fists. "They don't know that you came back for me that night. That you'd always come back for me, no matter how much of an ass I'd been. Just like I'd always come after you. No matter what."

And quite suddenly, Raphael felt overwhelmed. He rested his forehead against his knees, blocking out the world in a shaky attempt to gather himself. He didn't look up, but after a while he managed to squeeze out some words through a throat that was painfully tight. "That was one heckuva speech. You been practicin'?

Leo laughed softly, and Raph felt the tension break. He could feel the warmth of his brother's shoulder where it bumped against his.

"Nope. Just telling it like it is. Now stop being such an idiot and thinking you deserved what happened like some kind of stupid punishment, or something."

Raph glanced at him in surprise.

"Oh, come on," Leo snorted. "It's not like that was hard to predict. I know you."

… Damn. Now he felt kinda sheepish. He should have guessed that Leo would figure it out. Leo was too good at blaming himself for things to not recognise the same attitude in his brother. This was different though – this time he really had deserved everything that had happened to him, and more. Didn't Leo understand that?

He almost didn't want to know the answer, but he had to ask.

"Were you… scared? The night I… Uh. The night of the Winters thing."

"Not really. I was… startled. Honestly, things were happening too fast for me to be scared."

Raph snorted like he didn't believe him, and Leo spoke again. "I was scared afterwards, though. A little. But I was scared for you. Not of you."

"Me too." Raph admitted, very quietly. "I think you're the only one left who's never been scared 'a me."

He would always have that, at least. Leo couldn't be afraid of him, because he understood him too well. Oh, they each pretended otherwise, of course – snapped at each other like mortal enemies, argued over the tiniest of things – but in the end they were just too similar. It was this, more than anything else, that convinced Raph that Leo might have a point. Raph trusted Leo; he always had, even if he'd denied it to everyone else and even to himself. And if Leo could believe in him, then maybe Raph would just have to trust Leo's judgement and start trying to believe in himself for a change.

The realisation came as something like a surrender, but one that left him feeling relieved, instead of weak. He felt something ease inside of him, as if a complicated knot had just been loosened, and perhaps now with some patient work it could be untied completely. Maybe, just maybe, he could finally start to let this go.

It was subtle, but Raph could feel Leo's shoulder press more firmly against his, a comforting weight. They didn't need to talk any more, then. There were some things, after all, that needed no words.