Was I drunk last night? How the hell did I pull that off? Did it really happen?? Last night...the night I think I told Craig about my feelings for him, was a night that I knew what true insanity was all about. It's the weirdest feeling trying to convince yourself that your reality isn't real. I kept doing it though. It started to work. I was getting to the point of believing that what had happened with Craig that night was just a dream, I mean, this is me we're talking about. I don't do things like that, ever. My guilt over Tweek was causing me to hallucinate. Still, I also felt that what happened must have been real, because with dreams there's that feeling, like you knew your physical body wasn't there, it was all mental. I definitely remember the physical sensations that came with my confession. But if it really did happen, then why didn't he say anything? He's dating Kyle after all. He would've at least mentioned that, wouldn't he? I probably left too fast before he could have said anything. I had to get out of there. I can't go to school tomorrow, I should have confessed right before the weekend, I'm an idiot! Of course, if I waited any longer I wouldn't have done it. I should have had the sense to wait it out before I made any rash decisions. Before, I thought I could handle Craig's rejection, in fact I expected it. But...if I expected it then why be stupid enough to take such a risk for nothing? I felt I owed it to Tweek? He hates me, he deserves to hate me, he doesn't give a shit about what I do. I hope he hates me. I just...still can't get over Craig. All these years...and I finally did something about it, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I've never second guessed myself so severely before. But...this was unprecedented. I really want to take it back. What will Craig do with this information? Broadcast it to the whole school? People will probably believe him, and Tweek could back him up, as would Kyle. Craig can handle coming out because he's Craig. If anything he gives gays a good name. But me... it's just not gonna work. I really will have to kill myself if I show up tomorrow and everyone is pointing and laughing at me. I can't handle being singled out. I really didn't think this through. But it did happen, I know that now. Maybe...can I tell Craig I was joking? Ugh...I just have to wait and see what happens. I've made my bed and now I have to sleep in it. Funny...that's what I hoped to accomplish with Craig by doing what I did. Have him sleep in my bed I mean. What if he was excited that I had a crush on him...what if?
I woke up exhausted. I'd over-thought just about everything the whole night. I felt like a shit, a stupid shit. Again, I really didn't want to go to school. However, I'd made a show of being brave to Craig last night. It would also be brave to show up, very brave. I'm really not brave though...far from it. I shouldn't care how I come off when I'm trying to be something I'm not. But, if I have any chance of cutting this whole thing off at the pass I'd have to go to school. I'll just tell Craig to forget about the whole thing. Maybe I could say I was joking, just a way to get some laughs after what happened with Tweek. That wouldn't work with most people, but maybe it would work with Craig. Please God...
When I got to school I wanted to grab Craig right away and tell him it was a joke, or a mistake. Whatever I had to do to erase it. Then I saw him in the hallway before first period started. When he looked at me...I didn't get the reaction I expected. He didn't turn away, scrunch his nose...nothing like that. His usual natural personality almost changed completely for a moment. He's never really serious, he's just having a good time. But when he looked at me he got...reverent? Sort of solemn, but more intense. He was studying me. He licked his teeth and then walked off. The bell had rung. Great, now I have to sit through this hell until lunch. Worse yet, we sat next to each other in English.
I breathed a sigh of relief when he sat next to me normally, acting like nothing crazy had happened between us. He didn't have his usual glint though. Was he really thinking about us? I saw him looking at me a few times. I could tell he was contemplating...something. I really wish I knew what. Was he thinking about how to out me? If he should even be my friend anymore? I wanted to think he was considering the two of us...but he was with Kyle, and I'm me. At lunch...I'll stop his thinking before something horrible happens. Don't over-react Craig, please.
When lunch finally arrived I could barely walk. I was so messed up. Thinking about what Craig wanted to do and praying that I could convince him to just forget the whole thing. At least now it was finally time. I was holding onto hope so desperately that I was also scared at the prospect of him deciding to hold this whole thing over me for as long as possible. But...he was still my friend, right? Even though I said that he...I don't know. Please let this work.
I grabbed Craig by the arm.
"Hey, I need to talk to you in private."
"Not now man I need to get my lunch."
"Please! This is urgent!"
He flipped me off. "Clyde, they're serving calzones today."
Craig is crazy about his pizza calzones. I was still desperate but I couldn't get on his bad side right now. "Okay, just please promise you'll come talk to me after you get it." He waved me off as I backed away and sat on the nearest bench, watching him like a hawk.
He took a glance back at me and gave me a confused and annoyed look. I quickly glanced down. Fuck, I'm creeping him out, aren't I? I kept my gaze trained next to the line so I could watch him without staring at him. When he left the line with his food he didn't walk in my direction. I sighed angrily and quickly rushed to him. "Okay bring your food with you. Let's go."
"The hell?! What's going on?"
"I told you I need to talk to you for just a minute alone please!" Could he not tell how serious this was? Maybe he's nervous about speaking to me.
"God Clyde you need to calm down."
"It's about last night!" I hissed at him.
I didn't want to mention anything about that until we were alone but Craig was making it difficult. He suddenly became serious again. He tapped his foot a few times before finally saying: "Alright."
Thank God! That wasn't supposed to be so difficult. He walked with me to the nearest hallway away from the lunchroom. I finally had him alone. He stood there staring at me, chewing slowly.
"Well?"
Now that the time had arrived it was hard for me to find the words. I cleared my throat. "Okay, last night I was only joking. I was just being stupid and needed a laugh after the whole Tweek thing."
He narrowed his eyes at me as he studied me carefully. I couldn't stop myself from shaking in fear. This was it, everything could go back to normal if he believed me. Hopefully everything would. He smirked, and gave me his evil grin. It was scary, yet sexy. But mostly scary, my heart jumped into my throat. This can't be good.
"No, you weren't joking last night."
"W-what do you mean?! Of course I was!" He wasn't supposed to say that! Why does he think that?? How can he know?
"Stop lying, asshole. I was there. You were dead serious. It was fascinating to watch actually." Now I was helpless, he held my fate in the palm of his hand. He paused and took a deep breath before he continued. "Look, I think you need to come over to my house tonight."
"Uh...what?"
"If you want to be a pussy and stay home you can. It's up to you." He gave me a small sneer and walked back into the lunch room.
Now, normally I'd be ecstatic at him inviting me over to his house. But this...were he and Kyle going to ambush me? Or make fun of my ridiculous confession? Of course the thought of going over there that night made me break out in a cold sweat. Why the hell was I stupid enough to tell him I like him? This is Craig we're talking about. He'd hand you over to the FBI for a cold beer. He might be a prick but he's...just so hot, so suave. Why did I confess to him?! Now I'm going to have to go over there and endure God knows what. What if he asks my parents over?! He wouldn't be that diabolical...would he? Before I go over I'd better make sure I know what they have planned.
Right before I left for Craig's I did just that. I went up to my mother and asked, "Hey, you and Dad don't have anything planned for tonight, right? You're not going anywhere?"
"Not unless Tom Jones is performing in town tonight. Why do you ask?"
"Just curious." Me asking may seem really paranoid, but I didn't want to take any chances.
She looked at me, clearly puzzled. "Okay. Go do your homework or something."
"Yeah I uh...am studying with Craig a little tonight."
"With Craig? He's not much of a studier."
"Sure he is, gotta go or I'll be late!" I rushed out, worried that my mom was going to force me to stay home. As much as I didn't want to go, I knew I'd better so I wouldn't look like a coward. I arrived at his house and knocked on his door. I don't know if my heart is pounding harder right now or if it was pounding harder last night. I don't know how much more of this kind of shit I can handle putting myself through. This can't be healthy.
His sister answered the door. "Huh, you again."
"Craig." Was the only word I could squeak out. I don't think I'm even welcome here. Yet here I was standing at their door like a dumb-ass.
Craig walked up. "So you came over. I'm impressed. This way." He motioned with his finger towards his room.
"Where's the red-head you usually hang out with?"
"Shut up, Nicki." He spat at her. That was the first time I heard her name.
He closed the door when we both were in the room. He turned around and looked at me with sort of a half-smile.
I cracked. "P-p-please don't tell anyone about me Craig! It was a mistake! A stupid mistake! Please forget about it!"
"Ugh. Dude stop. You're embarrassing yourself."
I shook my head, fighting back tears of shame. "I know." I whispered. I really was being a dumb-ass. I stared at the floor so I wouldn't have to look at him.
"I'm going to give you one more chance. I asked you over here to see what you've got."
I glanced up at him. "'What I've got?'"
Craig shrugged, and said "Yeah." as he nodded.
"What are you...?"
Craig sighed and closed his eyes briefly. "Jesus Christ Clyde. You're making this pretty annoying. Kiss me."
I've never hurt my neck from jerking it too quickly until that night. I jerked my head up to stare at Craig. "WHAT?!"
His face became bored. "Do it now or leave."
My heart began racing. Really racing. "You...you're serious?"
"I won't be serious much longer."
I looked around quickly, wondering if I'd fallen into a dream somewhere. I stumbled and leaned on the chair he sat on at his desk. I couldn't look at him, my face was burning red.
"Five...four...three..."
Fuck it! I took three steps forward and threw my lips on his. Actually kissing Craig made me incredibly nervous, I couldn't enjoy it and winced, screwing up the moment by hoping I wouldn't screw up the moment. God this sucks.
"What the fuck is wrong? You can do better. Tweek told me you're a great kisser."
"Tweek?! When the hell did he tell you that?!"
"I squeezed it out of him after I found out about you two. Now fucking show me what you've got."
This really is happening...I can do this. I closed my eyes and pictured Tweek. I was good at kissing Tweek because he didn't make me nervous. Again I went in, and passionately kissed Craig. I had expected a kiss with Craig to be amazing. But really...it wasn't any different from kissing Tweek. I gently grasped Craig's head in an attempt to increase the fire of the kiss. Once I did that he pushed me away.
"Ahem. Okay. Could use some improvement but not a bad start. We'll continue this tomorrow. You are dismissed."
I was still in a daze. I nodded dumbly and left. It was during the ride home where I regained my ability to think. So...why did he push me away like that? Was it getting too good or something? Was I moving too fast? It was just a kiss after all...
Holy shit. He said we'd continue tomorrow. I started sweating again. This is unfathomable. He's Craig...Craig! I-I gave him a great kiss right? Not the best, he said it needed improvement. I need to focus. If I bring it home tomorrow maybe we can actually start something!
Tweek...again he comes up. But I could have also kissed him at the moment. Craig probably gave me a chance because of what Tweek said about me. In my cowardice I haven't really sought him out to formally apologize or anything. I really need to.
-----
The next evening proved to me that yesterday's events weren't a fantasy. I stood there in his room again.
"Okay. Let me take care of the physical stuff, you just worry about kissing. Alright?"
"Um...sure. Whatever you want." I was eager to please Craig. At this point his wish was my command. We kissed again. The strange thing was nothing physical happened, just the kiss. I guess he really does want to take this slow. I'll go as slow as he needs. As I stood there with a dreamy look on my face I noticed an orange-red shirt on his bed. That reminded me of Kyle.
"Whoa wait! What about Kyle? Did you break up with him."
"Let me worry about Kyle." The way he said that gave me butterflies.
"H-hey...are we uh...are we going out now?" I needed to know what this was exactly.
"Dude don't talk like that. That's fucking queer. Okay we're done for tonight. See you tomorrow."
"O-okay." I left a little disappointed. Why is Craig acting like that? If this really was a dream come true he should be more...no! No I'm not going to mess this up by being needy! Craig acts the way he wants. He makes his own rules. Shouldn't I be happy enough that he's spending time with me?
-----
The next day we took a huge leap forward. After more kissing, no tongue though, he said that's just gross, he started taking off his pants.
"I'm getting horny as shit. Time for your last test." I stood there, heart thumping greatly, as he took his underwear off, sat on the bed, and said: "Okay, go."
I wasn't going to pretend to be innocent and not know what he meant. As much as I was willing I was confused. I thought he wanted to take things slow...obviously this isn't slow. What he had was...beautiful. I'm not going to go into detail. I licked my lips and trembled my way over to him. This...so now I know what I have to do to make us last. I guess for Craig the sex is all that's important. That's fine. I just need to concentrate. I calmed myself with a few breaths. I looked at him briefly and saw he had a bored look. I'll wipe that look of your face, Craig. I've done this many times before, I shouldn't be nervous.
I started. I gave it my all. When I could tell things were about to be finished I started using my hands.
"No! Mouth the whole time, Clyde!" He gasped.
I paused briefly. I've never done it like that before, but I have to please him. I closed my eyes tightly and finished the way I started. I tried to not focus on ingesting what he was giving me when he climaxed. It wasn't pleasant. Fortunately I don't gag easily. I looked up at him, trying to hide a pained look.
"Water, please." I said quietly.
"Not yet." He commanded as he stretched out on his bed. "That was good Clyde." He took a few deep breaths. "Come back tomorrow, and don't you dare drink anything until you get home, you need to learn to enjoy the taste."
How?? I nodded obediently and left. I kept my mouth slightly open so I wouldn't taste anything until I got home, where I promptly drunk an entire can of Mountain Dew to scour the taste from my mouth. Craig really has his own rules for these sort of things. I just wish I knew what the point of it all was.
-----
It was the next day when I finally ran into Tweek. Until he laid his eyes on me he seemed to be doing okay. Now he's practically glaring at me vehemently. It was kind of scary, Tweek could be one of those guys who, when he snaps, doesn't stop going berserk until he kills you. I know this is a morbid thought but you never know.
"Hey man." I said as casually as possible.
"Clyde." He made a move to walk past me.
"Hey, listen. I just need you to know that I was and am serious about Craig. In fact, we're kind of together now." He stopped and curled his hands into fists. I took a step back, fully expecting him to whirl around and punch me. Once I said it I realized it didn't sound as good as I thought. It was supposed to let him know our break-up wasn't in vain, and that he shouldn't take it personally. But how couldn't he? I tend to make things worse even when I'm trying to make them better.
"Good for you." He growled at me before he stormed off.
-----
"Did you tell Tweek about us?!" He obviously wasn't asking this in a way that told me he didn't know the answer. Why is he upset?
"Well, yeah. I broke up with him because of you and wanted him to know that I did something about my feelings."
He looked up at the ceiling in an exasperated manner as he flipped me off. "Damn it Clyde. You'll have to be punished for this."
Something like that should sound sexy but he said it so angrily. "Wh-why? Everyone knew about you and Kyle when you started-"
"Clyde! We're going to keep us a secret. It's..." He trailed off, staring past me vacantly as if what he was trying to say was floating in space.
"It's what?" I said weakly.
He glowered at me. "It's more exciting that way, and don't you demand any fucking answers from me! Now blow me right now!"
This is starting to remind me of those psycho porn clips I've seen. I gulped and did as he said. Again, I used my mouth through the whole process. When it was done he sighed and became more relaxed. "Now, your punishment is to wait until I'm ready again."
Holy shit...he can't get enough. Maybe I'm better than I thought. We grabbed a small bite to eat while he waited. His father came in briefly and gave us a quiet scoff before he left. I guess his parents know. That thought made me nervous. I hope they don't talk to my parents. When we went back into his room I had to work twice as long before he came. It was really hard and I had to gasp for air because I got my breathing messed up. You never see that in porno films. I still wasn't used to the taste of his...stuff.
"To finish your punishment you have to wait until Monday before you can come over again."
I left feeling a strange sensation in my stomach. He's punishing me? Is this normal at all? I guess for Craig it is. It seems like he's had experience or something. Whatever he has to do to have fun...
-----
When Monday finally arrived I felt weird going back to Craig's. I was nervous...I didn't know what to expect from him. His dad grunted at me when he answered the door to let me in. He stepped aside and I meekly went to Craig's room. I knocked on the door.
"What?"
I opened the door slightly. "Can I come in?"
"Oh it's you." He was sitting on his bed reading a sports magazine. "Close the door."
After doing so I stood there, waiting for him to demand a blow job or something.
"Uh...lie down here." He pointed to the spot at the foot of his bed.
I felt worried, wondering what he had planned. If he was doing all of this to give me thrills it wasn't working. Once I laid down on his bed he looked at me and took a long breath. Then he put his hand on my crotch and started rubbing. I jerked violently.
"Calm down." He said sternly. This was the first time he had touched me and it startled me. I closed my eyes and started to enjoy it. He was a little rough but it still felt great. It had been a while since someone else had touched that area.
"Okay." I said after I orgasmed. He promptly went back to his magazine. I felt relaxed. Maybe things were looking up with Craig. "Hey, do you want to watch some TV or play something?"
"Just come back tomorrow." He said without looking at me.
I frown struck my face for a moment. It was involuntary really. Didn't he want to spend time with me at all? Maybe not. Remember, it's all about the sex with him.
-----
It was over the next two weeks where it felt like I was clocking in for work when I went to his house. He never seemed glad to see me. He'd tell me what he wanted and then it was done. I kept telling myself he was just trying a new relationship tactic and he'd grow out of it. What we had wasn't satisfying at all. It can't be satisfying for him, can it? Everything is just weird. I don't know what to think about myself, or Craig. He may be hot but...what am I to him? A guinea pig? A...a slave? Thinking that always made me tremble.
It seemed this was true when he'd get aggressive with the oral sex. He'd grab my hair and guide my head with his hand while I pleasured him. I didn't know why he did this, wasn't I doing a good enough job? It just didn't feel right, I felt filthy and useless when he did it, and one time I coudn't stop a tear from falling down my face from the pain and embarrassment.
"The fuck, dude? You're crying?! Good God, sometimes I don't know why I bother. Come back when you grow some balls." He waved me away.
I broke down when I got to my car. Craig is such a different person now. Is this what it takes to be cool?? He's supposed to be my friend but he treats me like shit.
I still went back though. Craig is all I have. I just have to raise myself to his standards. Perhaps he's just trying to teach me.
When I got there the next day I hoped he'd say things were over between us and yet simultaneously I was terrified of rejection. I put on a solid face and looked at him. It seemed he didn't remember the day before...or didn't care. He bossed me around like he usually did.
I would be a little excited when he would give me a hand job, even though I still had my clothes on, but he didn't seem to enjoy it in the slightest. If I meant anything to him he should be glad to do so...shouldn't he? The only excitement I'd get when I got Craig off would be the small groans he'd give when I did it. They were rare, but I really liked them. It was always short lived though. When it was over I felt cold again because it seemed like he treated what we did was wrong. Or it wasn't special. With Tweek...there was that warmth between us. We both were happy with what we got.
I got a shock when my mother asked to talk with me one day.
"Clyde, is everything alright with you?" She actually looked concerned.
"Yeah, what do you mean?"
"What do I mean?! You've been acting like a robot lately. I'm worried about your school work, you're still doing it, aren't you?"
"Yes." I replied blandly. I hate homework.
She sighed. "You can talk to me if there's something bothering you. You know that, right?"
"Okay." Her faced was creased with worry as she walked away. My heart went out to her a little. I guess I didn't realize to what extent my "relationship" with Craig was having an effect on me. My eyes burned with tears. What is he trying to turn me into?
-----
Several days later one of our sessions turned more passionate. We started with kissing and Craig had his eyes closed. I smelt beer on his breath. Whatever that meant at the time I didn't care. As we kissed he actually put his hands on me. This made me come alive with fire as he stroked slightly. This had been what I was waiting for, actual intimacy. He put his hands underneath my shirt on my bare skin. I could cry with joy, his caress was so wonderful. Then his fingers squeezed my stomach for a moment and he jerked away, looking at me with his eyes wide.
"Ugh. Listen I have something I forgot I need to take care of." He quickly left the room.
The bitter cold feeling inside me returned. His face...he looked so disgusted. I went light headed. We're...we're never going to be anything. I felt like crying. I felt like throwing up. I felt like dying. I'm worthless. Disgusting. Nothing.
I hate Craig! Why does he have to be so good at making me feel this way?! Why did he start all of this? WHY?!?! I knelt down next to his bed and hit it in anger. The tears burned down my face.
I shook my head from side to side in a soothing motion, trying to relax, trying to clear my thoughts. It worked until I smelt Craig's scent on his bed. A choked sob escaped my throat. He's going to own me for as long as he wants, then dump me like the trash I am. If only I was worth something...I'd show up Craig. We could be...if only...
I need...Tweek...