I was so weak and exhausted before from everything with Craig. Then I thought about Tweek. I thought more about Tweek. I thought about my time with Tweek. All the pain started to go away. His wide eyes...his innocence...how he cared for me. He really did care for me. He said he loved me. He loved me for me. He told me this, and I was selfish and stupid enough to throw it in his face. Thinking about this made me hurt more. I put that aside, and thought about only the good times. I needed soothing wherever I could get it. The time when we hooked up. The time we went down on each other. How we'd cuddle afterwards. I used to think doing that was too sappy. Now it's the only thing I really want. Doing that means so much more than just sex. Craig has cheapened it for me. With me and Tweek that's not all we had. I could tell he wanted to be around me. I didn't appreciate it at the time. I didn't appreciate Tweek. I was being so narrow-minded. The pain is coming back. What I had with Tweek was something to hold onto, and I threw it away. God, I'm crying again. But...can't we be together again? My fatigue over-took me.
That comforting thought helped me relax enough to sleep. I might have been a bit delusional while I slept, but the first ray of hope I felt in a long time came when I pictured us being together again. I...I need Tweek.
"What the hell happened, Clyde?!" Craig's voice jerked me out of sleep. I rubbed my eyes as I looked at the carpet. I had fallen asleep on the floor next to his bed. I turned around to look at him. "Why are you still here? I left almost an hour ago." He stared at me in what could almost be considered a state of shock.
"I...I had to sleep." I responded honestly. My thoughts returned to me as my brain started to power on again. I need to tell Craig that I don't want to do this anymore. Normally I'd be worried to do it but something tells me he won't care one bit.
"Sleep?! We didn't even do anything."
"Yeah...I know." I had to stop myself from scowling at him. "Listen. I guess I should tell you thanks for the time we've spent together but I'm not going to. I'm just going to say that I'm done with it all."
"Done?" Craig raised an eyebrow.
"Yes. Whatever...whatever we are. I don't want it anymore. Even if we had anything to begin with...it's just not worth hanging on to."
Craig gave me his evil grin again. My breath caught in my throat. Is he going to threaten to out me? "And...you want to get back with Tweek...right?"
My eyes widened in surprise. "How did you know that?!"
Craig closed his eyes and let out a sigh of relief. "Holy shit he was right." He flopped down onto his bed. "Finally!"
I was obviously confused. "'Finally???' Who was right? What the fuck is going on?!" Okay so I didn't expect him to be upset or anything, but he's not supposed to be relieved!
"Okay look: I just got back from Kyle's. After we started getting heavy I kind of thought you were him. I was a little drunk after all. Then I finally remembered I was with you and...I just needed to be with him. That's why I ran off."
"Kyle?! I thought you broke up with him!" He...he ran off to Kyle's?
"What?! Shit no, why would I do that?" My chest started to sting. Our whole "relationship" was a sham. Come to think of it...whenever I saw Kyle at school he seemed as normal as always. I thought he just recovered quickly, or was keeping his pain hidden.
"So...does he know about us?"
"'Know about us?!' Who's idea do you think it was for us to hook up in the first place?"
"What?!" Is he joking?!?
"Well, after you confessed to me I called Kyle up and told him about it. He thought it would be a great opportunity to show you that what you had with Tweek was special, so he told me to help you realize that."
"What the fuck are you talking about?! Kyle told you to do all of that shit to me?"
"It was open to interpretation. Like I said, he told me to help you realize you wanted to be with Tweek. I took care of the rest. Honestly I'm kind of surprised it took as long as it did. I got a little lost in the role and it was exhausting for me. I thought his idea was crazy but he bet me on it. I really didn't think I would lose. Fuck, those fluffy pink handcuffs are going to suck ass."
A bet?? That's what I was, a bet?! If I knew Craig wouldn't kick my ass I would have punched him. Hard. "Craig...I...I really hope you're joking. All of what we did was hell, and for you to stand there and tell me it was a bet is just...cruel..." My eyes started stinging again.
Craig scoffed at me. "Dear God will you listen to yourself? Why don't you pull your head out of your ass and realize what has happened? You want to go back with Tweek don't you? There's no way that we could have worked and if I just turned you down flat then you probably would still have feelings for me. This way anything you felt should be scoured away, right? It's not like this was a vacation for me, either. So don't get all whiny and shit and act like you're the victim!"
I thought the idea of Craig getting angry like this was absurd. I didn't have the guts to say anything though. He doesn't get angry that often and he could beat the shit out of me if he desired.
"It's just...that was so extreme..."
"It worked didn't it?!" He spat at me.
I wish I wasn't such a wuss. This should be the time where I stand my ground but I can't. I relented to Craig and left. I need to talk to Kyle about this. If he acts like an asshole maybe I can punch him in the face. Maybe...
His mother answered the door and told me he was up in his room studying. I went up and found him at his computer. I felt sick to my stomach and had to fight the rage building inside of me.
"So your little plan worked. I want to get back together with Tweek again." I said this flatly. I was pissed at being Kyle's little puppet.
He turned from the screen and stared at me with his dazzling green eyes. His mouth opened up into an excited smile. "Oh my God! I knew it!!" He dashed over to me and gave me a hug. This was unexpected. It had been so long since I'd felt any contact like that that I had to fight the urge to melt completely. It was a great hug.
"Hey wait a minute! Now look...I don't know what your deal is but what you had Craig do was...was just horrible. Why did you think you had the right to have him toy with me like that?"
Kyle froze and stared at me with concern all over his face. "What do you mean? What happened?"
As I explained the events over the past few weeks his face turned into one of morbid shock. It was genuine enough that I almost forgave him completely for everything. He said he didn't expect anything like that to happen. He also informed me that the bet wasn't his idea, but that he needed something to get Craig to go along. He just really wanted me and Tweek together. I found that strange. I don't know what kind of brownie points he's trying to earn but frankly I didn't give a shit anymore. Talking to Kyle about it got a lot of the pain and pressure off of my chest.
I now had to focus on the probably impossible task of getting together again with Tweek. Well...it couldn't be that hard right? He really liked me. He still does...I hope.
-----
"Hey Tweek! Wait up a second!" I caught up to him in the halls during school the next day.
He glanced at me with those dark, soulless eyes. Just having me around turned his eyes into that. It was unnerving.
"I need to talk to you after school today, okay?"
"Why, so you can make up more lies about you and Craig being together?!"
"Lies?"
"Yeah, he told me that you two have never been together at all." He said this with a hint of satisfaction. Damn you Craig...are you that ashamed of me??
"I don't give a shit about Craig anymore. This is important. Please, can we talk after school?"
His expression became slightly surprised when I said I didn't care about Craig. I hoped he would be excited by that, but his face switched back quickly. He took a sip of his coffee and tapped the side of the thermos while he thought. "I'll give you one minute after school."
"Awesome! See you then." I was excited. I know he'll want to get together again. I just need to apologize for being a selfish asshole.
The time finally came. I had thought up so many speeches that I had thought would win him over instantly. Of course when the time came all of the great stuff I thought didn't come out. He was staring at me so fiercely and trying to be sappy like that wasn't something I was used to. Still, I told him what was on my mind. I told him the truth.
"Tweek: I was stupid for treating you the way I did. I was just so narrow-minded and absorbed about what I thought I wanted. I was being selfish and stupid. I really loved our time together and I want it back. So please, will you accept my apology and..." I took his hand in mine and stared at him with what I imagined to be non-goofy puppy-dog eyes, "...will you accept me again?"
I didn't like the look I was receiving after I told him that. It was a "Where do you get off?" look, and I shortly found out my diagnosis was dead-accurate.
"Excuse me?! What, Craig rejects you so you want to come waltzing back to me? Is that it? Just to be your play-thing until someone else catches your fancy? Fuck off! Errgghh..." He groaned slightly and took another drink of his coffee.
You know...I really did deserve that but...it's just not true!
"No of course not, Tweek! I'm not going to like anyone else! You have to believe me!"
"I used to believe you..." He shook his head angrily. He must be reminiscing about us...but only painful memories...
I seized his hands and grasped them affectionately. "Tweek! Don't you remember how great our time was together? Don't you want that again??" Please...you have to remember what made you fall in love with me. Remember!
"Don't try to tell me what made me happy...you don't give a shit." Before this was actually sort of true. It hit close to home and made me embarrassed about how I acted. I lashed out slightly.
"Look, if our time meant anything to you then you'll try to remember-"
"'IF IT MEANT ANYTHING TO ME?!' It meant everything to me!" This made me so happy...until he continued talking, "But after what happened we're nothing! Do you understand?! NOTHING!" He pushed me aside and ran off.
We...we can't be nothing. I know what I did was awful...but it didn't turn us into nothing...
-----
As I sat at home I thought about Tweek some more. I obviously didn't use the right approach. I needed to prove to him somehow that I'm not going to abandon him again. I was a lot more nervous planning on talking to him now. What if he refuses to get back together with me? I'll have nothing...worse yet is that I don't think I'll find anyone ever again. If what I had with Tweek wasn't so special then maybe I wouldn't mind as much. The more I thought of us the more I realized how great he was to me. I was more myself with him than I had ever been. He was so accepting. He didn't even mind seeing me naked. He took my shirt off that one time and held me so close. Whereas Craig...well getting too close to me turned him sober and made him run off to his real lover. The thought of Tweek's warm embrace made me shiver. Please God...help Tweek to love me again.
As Tweek's father opened the door I got a silent "Oh no" response. I don't know if it's because they were glad he hadn't been with another guy in a while or if Tweek had been so down lately and they were worried that I was going to screw him up again. It made me even more nervous to realize that they knew about me.
"C-can I talk to Tweek, please??"
He sighed. "I suppose so. I have to ask: what is going on with you two?"
I started trembling. "Th-that's kind of a private thing right now."
"I don't like secrets being kept from me." He put his hands on his hips.
"A-after I talk to Tweek I'll be able to tell you!" I was an inch away from panicking. The pressure was really on.
He stood there silent for a moment. "Very well. He's in his room." He walked off.
I breathed a sigh of relief and took my trembling legs to his room. The door was open so I quietly pushed it aside. I saw Tweek sitting on his bed, twitching the way he usually would. It calmed me greatly to see him acting normal again.
"Tweek?" He yelped in his usual fashion. It was such a cute sound. Then he realized it was me and his eyes became hard again.
"Clyde?! What do you want?" His accusing tone didn't help things. I launched into what I wanted to say, stammering pathetically.
"I-I just wanted you to know that I understand your fear of me being an asshole again and w-wanting to be with someone else. B-but that's not going to happen!"
"Easier said than done. You're just desperate right now. Please leave." He folded his arms and glared at me. He's not supposed to be rejecting this so quickly.
"Tweek I liked Craig for a lot longer than I said I did. For years actually, and because of that it just made me hopelessly obsessed over him, but now that I don't like him anymore he won't-"
"STOP FUCKING WITH ME CLYDE!! All you've done is lie to me and reject me and now that I've finally gotten over it you feel it necessary to bring it all up again?! Good for you that you liked Craig for so long that you deemed it appropriate to get rid of me! I've finally accepted that. So please just leave so I can get on with my life!" He threw his book at the wall and turned away from me to sit on the edge of his bed furthest from the door. His outburst shook me up greatly.
"Tweek??" I heard his father shout from downstairs.
He really does hate me...again tears started trailing down my face. The pain I caused was still there and anything I tried wouldn't make it go away. He doesn't even like me anymore. My picture of me and Tweek...that ray of hope...were being burned mercilessly. The sound of his father coming upstairs caused me to indeed panic, so I ran out. I didn't want to confront him; his son was so upset because of me.
"What happened?!" He shouted at me as I ran past.
"N-nothing!" I sputtered.
-----
I was pretty damn despondent at this point. Again I was in my room, sulking over the whole thing. Having Tweek explode like that was...so surreal. I did that. My selfish nature fucked up the only good thing I ever had. I tried to put myself in good spirits by saying I'll just win Tweek over gradually. I just need to be patient and hang out with him during school. I can't mention us, I'll just show him that I care about him. Not easy to do when a person wants nothing to do with you. Kyle and Craig witnessed one of the more violent interactions between us. Tweek shoved me away pretty forcefully even when all I wanted to do was hang out with him during lunch. Kyle actually looked crushed. He looked the same way I imagined I did when it happened. Craig just seemed annoyed. Probably annoyed that all the time he spent with me was turning out to be in vain. That asshole. I even told Tweek that. I told him I hate Craig. No good.
I went to Kyle for help. I thought if anyone could help me it was him.
"I can't try to help you with this. If you aren't able to get him back on your own then you two probably don't belong together."
This pissed me off. "What do you mean?! Weren't you the one who schemed with Craig to get us back together?? You must of thought that we were destined for each other or...or something!"
"It sure did seem like it..." he said dreamily.
Now I felt even more helpless. My life was becoming a shit-hole more and more. Every time I thought I had something it turned sour on me and crushed my hopes.
The real kicker was how I was falling more and more for Tweek because of his reactions. I affected him so strongly...it was really moving. It hurt to have him despise me so thoroughly...but it meant he really loved me. I kept putting myself in his shoes. Trying to think of myself as Craig and him as me. How it'd feel to be lead on in such a way and then be crushed so ruthlessly. What Craig did to me was horrible...but if I'm being honest what I did to Tweek was probably worse. My heart would go out to him for this. It would make me feel miserable. I so wish I could take it back. Losing all feelings for Craig has taken the cloud of confusion that I had away. Now it's so easy to see how great Tweek was. How great he is. He seems so strong. He didn't cave in to being with me again because he was scared of being lonely or anything. This caused the pain to hit me once more. Can...can we not be together again?
My mother again took notice of me. She kept pushing for some sort of explanation. Apparently she sometimes feels the urge to do some parenting. I liked it more when she ignored me.
"It's just stupid girl problems." She became interested in this.
"Oh really? Who is she??"
"I uh...don't know her very well. She's in my science class. She's going out with someone and it sucks is all. Don't worry I'll get over it." I managed a weak smile.
"Come on, be a man and show her what you're made of!" Such stupid advice.
"Maybe I'll get the chance someday." I walked to my room.
"I'll get over it." I don't think that's true. It just makes things more agonizing when you had something and then you lost it.
-----
I was at the end of my rope. Tweek wasn't coming back to me. I could only sit and reminisce about how stupid I was. It was fucking depressing. So much so that even Tweek approached me.
"Clyde...you don't want to be with me. You just haven't realized it yet. Trust me, you'll thank me one day for doing the right thing and not getting back together with you."
"You're wrong..." You're just so damn wrong Tweek.
Tweek shook his head and left. I guess the scars from our relationship have turned him into more of a man. I don't know what it has turned me into, besides a self-loathing pile of misery.
God I hate school. I don't want to deal with any of this shit. Trying to sit and read about World War II is driving me crazy. I kept hoping that I'd feel Tweek give me another gentle kiss on the back of my neck like he used to. Usually that would lead to something more and afterwards I was relaxed enough to get something done. School just seems so pointless now. I wonder if there's any class I'm not failing. Once third quarter report cards come out I'll probably be in deep shit with my parents. I don't really care though. In fact...everything seems pointless. Trying to accomplish anything...trying to be happy. Tweek is going to move on without me and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I had my chance...
I slammed my head down on my desk and began sobbing. I really thought Tweek and I could be happy together again. I can't be angry at Tweek...at all. Knowing this makes the misery stronger. I suppose I got what I deserved. No matter how many times I tell myself this it doesn't help. I just want to be happy. Tweek and I would be if only I wasn't such a screw-up.
In my sorrow I briefly reflected on why things seemed so bad. I had been the one to initiate the break-up with Tweek and now all I wanted was to be with him. There's something odd about this...isn't there? There should be...but I want his love again so much. He made me feel like I was worth something. I didn't do the same for him. I want to be able to. He deserves it and nothing would make me happier than to be the one who accomplishes that.
There's...there's something else I need to do. It's the last chance I have.
As I called Tweek I did whatever I could to not get my hopes up. Doing that previously had only made things worse. If anything, I just want him to know what he means to me. I was stupid enough to disguise my voice slightly when his father answered.
"Hello. Is Tweek available?" I tried to sound professional. Anything to throw his dad off the trail. It probably wasn't necessary.
"Hello?" Tweek's voice hit me like a base-ball. My chest started to hurt. My voice caught in my throat.
"Tweek?" My voice came out really squeaky.
"Uh...w-who is this?"
I cleared my throat. "It...it's me, Tweek."
"I'm going to hang up now-"
"Tweek, please!!" I shot this out desperately. "I know you don't want to be with me. I just need you to come over for a few minutes. After that you don't..." it tore me up inside to say this, but I knew I had to say it, I took a deep breath so I could continue, "...you don't have to worry about me annoying you ever again." My heart was pounding.
He sighed. "Are you sure about this? I really think you need to drop it altogether. Whatever you're planning isn't going to help I'm sure."
"Whether it does or not isn't the point. There's just...something I need you to know."
"Ugh. Fine, then just tell me now."
I closed my eyes, focusing my energy into the next few words. "No...I need to tell you in person."
"Clyde, I really don't want to."
"All I'm asking for is a few moments of your time." My voice was quivering. His desire to not even see me was borderline devastating.
"Errgghh...alright. Fine." He hung up.
Whatever hope I had for us was pretty much gone. I had thought that maybe he'd be willing to at least see me after we'd seen so little of each other. He just needs to know how great he is.
He arrived a little while later. I could tell by the look on his face that he was regretting his decision to come over here. "So let's hurry this up. I'll be in your room."
I shook my head. "No." I smiled at him weakly, knowing that this could very well be the last "intimate" time we spent together. I motioned him to stand near the entrance to the living room, where my parents were at the time. I walked towards them and stopped a few feet behind the couch they were sitting on.
"Mom, Dad? I need to tell you something."
"What? What is it?" They turned around to look at me.
"Clyde...what are you-?" Tweek cut in.
"Hold on, Tweek." I was so emotionally drained, but I put my soul into what I was going to say next. "You need to know something. I'm gay." I turned around and looked Tweek directly in the eyes and told him what I needed him to know. "I love you, Tweek."
I think I heard my parents gasp. I don't really know. Those words were so pure that I actually felt a little warm inside. Tweek's face was blank. I couldn't look at him anymore so I bowed my head. "You can leave now."
It felt like my whole body was swirling. I heard my heart thumping in my ears. I waited to hear the door slamming, signifying the departure of Tweek from my life forever. I felt gentle hands lift my face. I was staring into Tweek's eyes. They...they were happy.
"You...you really meant that." He said to me quietly.
"Of course." I whispered back.
He kissed me. My whole body was alive with fire. Life-giving fire. I didn't know what a real kiss actually was before this point. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close, afraid that if I didn't he'd disappear. As great as it was we eventually had to stop, I was getting light-headed due to the lack of oxygen. The tingling sensation continued on after our lips parted. Looking at Tweek's bright face caused me to laugh with joy.
Never had I laughed in such a way. Tweek hadn't given me hope...he had given me life.
-----
A/N: So I hope the end of the chapter doesn't seem like an unreasonable quick-fix. I just believe that Clyde's reluctance to let his parents know about their relationship beforehand helped Tweek to know how serious he was. That and how broken Clyde was and how he was willing to just say that and then let Tweek leave...I don't know. Anyways, hope this chapter was a breath of fresh air after the last one. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. :P