The Secret Life of Severus Snape
"I became a spy for two reasons. The first, and the most important, was to atone for the part I played in the deaths of Lily and James Potter, more for Lily, who had once been my best friend, than James, though I owed him too, much as I hate to admit it. I had indirectly contributed to their deaths by overhearing a prophecy made by Trelawney—a prophecy that was made concerning the destruction of Voldemort by a child born at the end of July to parents who had thrice defied the Dark Lord. I reported the fragment I'd overheard to Lucius Malfoy, who in turn told Voldemort, and led him eventually to hunting down and killing the Potters and trying to kill Harry as well.
"The other reason was because I wanted to prove to myself that I was no one's pawn, especially not Voldemort's, who made the mistake of thinking I was his loyal servant, one that danced unerringly to his tune.
"I was well suited to life as a secret agent, for you see, I had led a double life since I could talk. My father, Tobias Snape, was a Muggle and my mother Eileen Prince was a witch. I grew up between two worlds, magical and ordinary, though one day I would choose to live mostly in the wizarding world. I moved here, to Spinner's End, when I was ten and a half, the summer before I started school at Hogwarts. My mother bought this house with the last of her savings, and it was here that I met Lily Evans. She lived in the gray stone house down the street, the one the Petersons live in now.
"Before all of that, we lived in a leaky tiny flat in Cheapside, little better than a shack. It was freezing in the winter and roasting in the summer, but it was all we could afford since my father drank away all our money every other night. He was a slave to his passions, and his greatest passion was drinking. His preferred poison was beer or gin, the cheaper the better, for then he could get more of it. I can count on one hand the times he was sober during my childhood.
"Though once my mother did say he promised her he would go straight, when they were first married. He was his family's black sheep, always in trouble with the law, I think that's why they disowned him, though I never dared to ask. My mother's family was an old pureblood one, and they cast her out when she married a Muggle instead of the wizard they'd picked out for her. She would marry for love or not at all, but the one she loved didn't love her half as much as she did him, the miserable bastard.
"We hadn't always been poor, in the beginning of their marriage my parents were happy, though I was too little to remember it. Then something happened, my father lost his job, he was too proud to ask for help from the government, and he turned to the bottle and never found his way out of it. I'd tell you how sorry I felt about it, but that would be lying. For Tobias Snape was a wicked man when he drank, with a temper like chained lightning, and a hand quicker than a serpent's strike.
"I inherited his nose, his height, and his temper, God help me, but that's all. Everything else, including my magic, I got from your grandmother Eileen. She was a lovely woman, black hair and dark eyes, not classically beautiful, but she drew the eye. And when she smiled, which wasn't much after she married him, she could charm the birds out of the trees. To this day, I wonder what the hell she ever saw in him, but whatever it was must have been pretty compelling, because she put up with more than anyone ever should have.
"He wanted us to lead an ordinary life, one without magic, and she wanted just the opposite, especially once she knew I was a wizard. They were always fighting about it, and half the time he'd end up using his fists on her and the argument would be over. Until the next time he caught her using magic or teaching me some little charm or telling me about anything to do with her world.
"Magic was the forbidden, only to be spoken of in whispers when he was passed out, or down at the pub, but never openly. It was a secret, she used to tell me, our secret. That was the first secret I ever kept. Though there were a few times I forgot, but only a few, because then I paid for it with the back of his hand or a stick.
"I quickly learned to be a Muggle boy around him, talking of ordinary things, like cricket and cars, when he was there to hear me, but alone with my mother I could be the wizard I was born to be. I went to a Muggle school, but I never dared to bring any friends home, I was too ashamed of where we lived and my father was always unpredictable, and he couldn't be trusted not to lash out if some kid shot his mouth off at the wrong time.
"Then, the summer I was ten, everything changed because of a letter. My acceptance letter from Hogwarts, delivered by snowy owl. My ticket out of the hell that was my life. It sparked off a huge row between them, with Tobias vowing he'd rather see me dead than go off to some freak school. To which I stupidly replied I'd rather be dead than have to live with him another minute, and I ended up with a broken jaw for my smart remark.
"But my mother had enough by then, ten years too much of his damn temper and his fists and she whipped out her wand and Stunned him, point blank. That was the only time she ever used her magic on him. Then she packed up everything we owned and we left. She took me to a Healer to mend my jaw and we moved to Spinner's End, where I could be free of his shadow at last, free to learn magic without fear.
"I met Lily and her sister Petunia that summer, and Lily and I became best friends. We spent a good deal of our time hiding from Petunia, who was a snotty little know-it-all and was forever telling on Lily when she used magic. I couldn't stand her, and she loathed me too, called me that sly scummy Snape boy. I threw a stick at her once for that and made her cry. Lily got mad at me for it, but then Petunia was mean to her too, so she forgave me. We called her Miss Prissy Pinch-faced Petunia, Poking her Nose into Everyone's Business because she was always spying on us trying to get us in trouble.
"I was at the Evanses house more than my own half the time, because my mother worked and was almost never home. That was the first time I ever saw what it was like to be around a normal family, without the drinking and screaming and hitting. I envied Lily something fierce, and her parents were always kind to me. Once, Lily invited me over for dinner, and Petunia said something like "How could you invite that scummy Severus Snape? He might give us all fleas! And he dresses like he was a ragpicker too." Mrs. Evans heard and sent her to her room without supper. And we all got chocolate cake and ice cream for dessert, as much as we wanted, and Tunie was stuck upstairs with nothing to eat save her fingernails.
"We were together so much that Mrs. Evans started calling us "Sev and Lil—two peas in a pod", God help us. Of course, Petunia then changed it to "Sev and Lil—two freaks from the circus", and screamed it at us whenever we did something she didn't like, like sticking all her records to the ceiling with magic. That was the best summer of my life, except for the one where I met Amelia.
"Then it was time to go off to Hogwarts, where once again, my life would change—for the better, I hoped. But right away, there were problems. Lily and I were Sorted into different Houses, and though we vowed to still be friends, it didn't last much past our fourth year. We grew apart after that, she was always more popular than I was, and I was a Slytherin and her Gryffindor friends sneered at me for it, saying I was bound to come to a bad end.
"Then too I was the target of overprivileged, rich snots like James Potter and Sirius Black, who enjoyed tormenting me the way Marsh and her friends tormented Drake Lockwood, every chance they got. Snivellus, they called me. I loathed them and the feeling was mutual, except in Remus Lupin's case, because Remus is too nice to hate anyone and he never liked what the others did to me. Then Black, Potter, and Pettigrew nearly got me killed in my fifth year by luring me into the Shrieking Shack while Remus was in werewolf form, only James got cold feet at the last second and pulled me back from the door, giving me time to run away before Remus bit me. It created an honor debt between us, one that I was bound to repay someday. I have never forgotten or forgiven them for that, they should have been expelled, but Albus was too merciful.
"I was known in school as a loner, too shy, too smart, and I had a nasty mouth on me from always being picked on, so needless to say, I had no real friends. I still saw Lily on occasion, and she defended me to Potter and Black, she didn't like them any better than I did. My one consolation was my magic and I studied endlessly, especially in Potions and Defense. I received top marks always in them, and my other subjects too.
"Then, just when I was considering a possible career as an Auror, my mother died. It was the beginning of my sixth year, she had been sick for a long time—a rare blood disease—no medicine, Muggle or wizard, could cure her. She'd known for years, but she hid it from me till the last. I tried everything I knew, all the potions I could find, but nothing worked. She died peacefully, however, and the Evanses came to the funeral.
"I was in shock, for I knew that without my mother I had no real family, since I refused to acknowledge my father, and I was barely sixteen. I can remember Lily saying to me afterwards, "Sev, I'm so sorry. But if you need to, you can come live with us."
"She meant well, but I snarled, "I don't need your charity, damn it!" and walked away.
"She followed me though. "It's not charity, Sev, I'm your friend, and God knows you need one."
"Just leave me alone, Lily!" I shouted at her.
"No. That's the last thing you need," she said, and then she hugged me and I cried all over her, me who hardly ever cried, having learned a long time ago that tears did no good.
"I think it was then that I fell in love with her, oh nothing like what I had with Amelia, but in its own way it was a powerful and meaningful thing. I was so lonely and she was the only one who cared. We started seeing each other more and things were nearly the way they were before, except I loved her as more than a friend. I could never tell her that, though, because I knew she would never have me, not when she could get a dozen other guys who were better looking and had more to offer her than I did. Still, I was content to admire her from afar and dream of what might be.
"Then along came Lucius Malfoy, who was also popular and well-liked, at least by all the ultra rich Slytherins, and he sensed that I was an easy mark, an introverted kid with more brains than sense, desperate to belong somewhere. Lucius, was, even then, a slick bastard. He could sweet talk you into selling your soul to the devil, which is exactly what he did to me. He became my friend, if one can ever call someone like him that, and so too did the others who hung around him—Avery, Lestrange, Mulciber, Narcissa and Bellatrix Black, Crabbe and Goyle. Future Death Eaters, all of them, most of them with mean streaks a kilometer long.
"Of course, I didn't know that then, all I knew was that Malfoy's crowd, who were popular and feared had accepted me as their own. No one dared to touch me when they were nearby, for they knew more curses than half the students and they didn't hesitate to use them. And at last I belonged somewhere.
"Not that I liked or agreed with most of them, they were all purebloods and they hated Muggleborns like Lily with a terrible passion. Thought they should be expelled and purged from society. I never let them know I was a half-blood, I knew all too well what would happen if they found out, but I never agreed with their ideas.
"I didn't understand the truth of what they were until the beginning of my seventh year, how twisted and evil they were, until Lucius invited me to a ceremony, where they invoked powers best left unnamed and pledged themselves to the Dark Lord. They called themselves Death Eaters, for they would swallow death and thus never die. I refused to take the Mark that night, saying I needed time to think it over. Actually, I was terrified and wanted to leave them, but I knew they'd never let me go. I knew too much about them, far too much.
"Then Lily Evans started going out with James Potter, the arrogant prat, of all people! I hated him then more than ever, for I knew he deserved her even less than I did, yet somehow he'd won her. It was the end of the fantasy I'd had of her someday coming to me and telling me she loved me—Severus Snape.
"I told myself I didn't care, but I lied. It had been a cherished dream of mine, and at seventeen dreams die hard. But I wasn't about to go running after her, begging for her regard like a puppy, oh no. I still had my pride—it was about the only thing I owned that wasn't in tatters.
"Bitter and angry, I allowed Lucius to sway me to his way of thinking, convince me that she wasn't worth my time, filthy Mudblood, and that was when he inducted me into the Death Eaters. He branded me with their Dark Mark that very night, and once that was done, there was no escape.
"But I vowed to never give into them totally. I had learned Occlumency as part of an advanced study course with Dumbledore and I was truly gifted in it. No one could read my mind unless I allowed it, not even the Dark Lord himself. I had learned during childhood to hide myself away, you see, and I could hide myself so deep that no one could find me unless I wished him to. I could shield my inner being from even Voldemort's mind probes, enough so that he couldn't dominate me the way he did the others. The others he controlled from the first, they belonged to him body, heart, and soul. Me, he had my body and a part of my heart, but my soul remained my own and he never even caught a glimpse of it.
"They needed my expertise with potions and I served them willingly, more fool I. I was with them for three years, until I learned of the prophecy that targeted James and Lily Potter. I had been sent to spy on Dumbledore and Trelawney, to find out what the Seer knew, if anything. But the prophecy I overheard was only partially correct, but it was enough to doom Lily and James and their son, whom Voldemort believed was going to be his downfall.
"Too late I realized what I had done, that Voldemort would be seeking to slay Lily's son and that she was in danger of being killed. I knew there was no way I could save the child, he was marked for death, but I begged Voldemort not to harm Lily. He smirked and said that perhaps he would be merciful, in recognition of the service I had done. "I'll give her to you, Snape, as a reward. You can have your own pet Mudblood if you want." He lied, he never meant to spare either of them.
"Then he went to Godric's Hollow, having found the Potters secret location because Pettigrew had betrayed them and the rest, as they say, is history. He killed Lily and James, but not before Lily worked a sacrifice charm of her own, protecting her son with her last breath and her last bit of magic. It was that which saved Harry Potter from the Killing Curse, rebounding it back on its caster.
"Afterwards, the Aurors were busy rounding up the Death Eaters, and they'd surely come for me next. Not that I cared, for I had destroyed the only person I had ever cared for. I couldn't stand myself. And I hated what I had become and what I had let them use me for. I hungered for revenge, to hurt them as they'd done me, and wanted to do something to atone for my part in Lily's death.
"So I went to Albus Dumbledore and told him everything. And he forgave me for it, God knows why. He also saw a way I could be of use to him. He needed a spy, someone who could be a shadow in the corner, unseen yet seeing all. I was perfect for what he needed, I was already known to them, already trusted by Lucius Malfoy, who had persuaded the Ministry that he was not a dark wizard and was allowed to walk free.
"So I agreed to be his spy, and he inducted me into the Order of the Phoenix, a much less painful thing than the Death Eaters. He also made me swear an Unbreakable Vow with him that I would fight Voldemort and all he stood for until I died. The Vow, he said, was for the others, not for himself. That didn't matter, I would have fought against them anyway.
"He told me to keep in touch with Lucius Malfoy, reassure him that I was still allied with him, and pass him false bits of information concocted by myself and Albus. He also offered me the job of Potions Master at Hogwarts, as a reward for my dangerous endeavors as his secret agent. I didn't want the position, God knew I had too many bad memories of the place to want to spend time there, and I'd never taught anything before and was sure I'd be terrible at it, but I needed money and this was a better option than I had otherwise.
"I mentioned to Lucius that I'd been instructed to take a job at Hogwarts by the Dark Lord before he died, to ask for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. I lied and told Lucius that Dumbledore had refused me for the position but had given me Potions instead. Lucius suggested I become his eyes and ears at Hogwarts, and learn all of Dumbledore's secrets, so when the Dark Lord returned, we could remove Dumbledore at our leisure.
"I agreed, like a good Death Eater, but I really wanted to laugh in his smug face for being so stupid. Dumbledore was more than a match for any ten Death Eaters, me included, he could stomp all of our asses into the ground without blinking an eye. He had been the only thing Voldemort feared more than death.
"All of that was after I had met your mother, however. Inbetween the time when I took the Unbreakable Vow and I started my covert activities as spy, I met Amelia in my secret glen and my life changed once more—this time for the better at last. To say she redeemed me from a bitter, angry recluse is putting it mildly. She was and always will be the very best thing that ever happened to me. The only thing that ever matched it is you, Arista. She was my second chance at love, at the life I had thrown away due to anger and fear and pride.
"Unlike the last time, I was determined not to waste it. Amelia was to Lily what the sun is to a campfire, and what I felt for her was likewise magnified. That spring and summer was the best one I had ever had, I was happier than I'd ever been in my life, and it was all due to one stubborn little Dark Hunter named Amelia Amarotti. She loved me in a way no one ever had, before or since, loved me as a man and a wizard, all of me, and I loved her the same way. My love for Lily was one-sided, and mostly selfish on my part, I saw that now. But Amelia was different. Amelia taught me to share myself, and in the end I gave her everything I was.
"Not that we didn't fight, because we did, she punched me in the jaw once because I ran my mouth off at her once too often, but we always forgave each other. Her love was what made me able to continue playing the game of covert operations. When she died . . .I was totally devastated. I nearly blew my cover with Lucius, I was so upset. Don't ask me how the hell I taught in the term that followed, because for the life of me I can't remember what I taught. And the worst of it was I couldn't tell anyone why I was so depressed, just mentioning her name hurt me horribly, and yet I couldn't forget her. I felt as if I'd cut out my heart and there was this gaping hole where it had been.
"I threw myself into my work with a vengeance, anything to help me forget what I no longer had, would never have again. I doubt if Albus ever had a more diligent spy than I was. I used every chance I had to get information from Lucius, we met in informal settings, a pub here, a dinner at his manor, a walk around Diagon Alley or something like that. Always at night, we sent messages back and forth with Nightfall in secret codes.
"I learned that Lucius planned on keeping the rest of the circle of Death Eaters alive and ready for the moment that the Dark Lord returned. There was little doubt in his mind that it would happen, the only question was when. Several of the old group of Death Eaters, like Bellatrix and her husband, had been put in Azkaban for life or were dead and lost to him. But Lucius wasn't daunted, he could always find another crazy who enjoyed blood and pain and who hated Muggles to recruit. Wrackspur was one of those who escaped the Ministry's hunt and he came back to the fold soon after Voldemort's demise.
"I kept careful watch on all who came back, and memorized all of their names and faces, so I could tell Albus later. He wrote them down in a little black book that he kept in a special place, known only to himself. The Order met infrequently, Remus is one of us, and of them he was the only one who really trusted me, despite Albus's reassurances. Well, him and the Weasleys, but then they practically worshipped the ground Albus walked on and if he said I was to be trusted, they trusted me.
"No one in the Order knew the actual nature of my work, that was a condition I had insisted upon from the beginning. The fewer people who know what I truly am, the fewer who can betray me by torture or Veritaserum. This way, the only life I placed in danger on a daily basis was my own, and right then I didn't consider my life worth much.
"I learned to create an altar persona, a mask I could slip on and off when I needed to, and that other Severus Snape wasn't a particularly nice person. He couldn't be and still maintain the fiction that he was a Death Eater. I used it even in my classroom, because sometimes the students really irritated me and this was a way I could get back at them without resorting to violence. I became strict and hard because that was what they needed to survive when Voldemort returned, and because that way was easier than caring.
"Years passed and by then my double life was so ingrained I couldn't imagine my life otherwise. I was a professor during the school term and a spy at any other time. Whenever we received rumors of some organization of Death Eaters or some kind of crime against Muggles by wizards, Albus sent me to investigate.
"We saved a lot of people that way, because I was able to trace the rumors to their source and see firsthand if they were real or not. And when they were, I informed Albus and the Order dealt with the dark ones. I dealt with more than a few myself, those who weren't well known and whom no one would miss.
"Then Harry Potter came to Hogwarts, and Dumbledore and half the staff regarded the boy as a savior, the one who was going to defeat the most powerful dark wizard ever seen in Britain. Frankly, I wasn't impressed. He was a dead ringer for James, and like his father he was reckless and arrogant, considering himself above authority.
"I saw very little of Lily in him, and that saddened me, she had died to save him and yet he seemed to have inherited very little of her save for her eyes and a certain kindness towards those who were persecuted. And this is the one who will save us all? God help us all. He had no special talent in magic that I could see, except maybe catching a Snitch, again like his blasted father. And playing Quidditch wasn't going to help him fight Voldemort.
"Dumbledore came to me soon after he arrived and asked me what I thought, and I told him point blank that the boy wasn't ready and I doubted he ever would be. He lacks focus and determination, I said. "Push him then, Severus. See what he's made of. We need a sword and a sword needs to be tempered by fire first. You're the only one I can trust that will be tough on him, and yet not break him. I think he has a great potential, but it's hidden deeply and only adversity will bring it out."
"And you think I can do this? I asked skeptically. Albus laughed then. "You love playing the drill sergeant, Severus, and you know it. He's raw steel, I need him beaten into a sword we can use to cut Voldemort's heart out. You're the best man for the job, you can protect him better than anyone else, even Minerva, and challenge him at the same time. Make him into a hero, Severus. Then Lily's final sacrifice won't have been in vain."
"Albus knew just what buttons to push with me. He knew what Lily had meant to me, and how to use the guilt I still felt to motivate me. I didn't like all of what I had to do to the kid, but it was necessary, for only those strong in will survive Voldemort. And yes, there were times, like with that stupid flying car of Arthur's, that I thought the damn kid needs his ass kicked good and it's too bad I'm not his father. Reckless and impulsive is going to get him killed and all the rest of us too. I did all Albus asked of me and then some. I just hope it's been enough. But just in case Potter fails us, we have a backup plan.
"That's what I was doing this week, making sure the backup plan was still in place, because I still have my doubts about Potter. He's linked somehow to Voldemort's mind and I don't like that at all. It's too easy for him to give us away. And lately, Lucius is becoming more and more suspicious, questioning me more closely about you, Arista. He wants to know exactly what sort of Healing power you have and how strong it is, and I've been evading the question for weeks, because the last thing I want is for the bastard to think you're a threat to him or his dark master. He goes after you and all bets are off. I'll shatter my masquerade to pieces if it means protecting you, orders or no orders. Then Lucius will see the real Severus Snape all right." Severus said grimly. "I had just gotten him away from you and focused on Potter again, when I come home and find you've been out hunting down Death Eaters, which was exactly the kind of thing I was trying to avoid happening." He favored her with a stern glare.
"Sorry, Dad. But I'll be more careful now that I know what's going on," she promised.
"So now you know the truth, which is something only I've only told to two other people in my life. One was your mother. The other, as I'm sure you've guessed, is Albus Dumbledore. Does it change anything, Arista mine?"
"Yeah, it does," she said, and he stiffened. Then she added, "Now I can finally stop wondering what the heck you're doing when you leave for a week or a few days at a time."
"Then it doesn't bother you that I was once a Death Eater?"
She shook her head. "No. Everyone's stupid once in their life, right?" she said softly. "Besides, it's what you are now that counts. And I think you're the awesomest dad ever."
"Oh, you do, huh?"
"Uh-huh. And I'm proud to be your daughter," she said sincerely, then she hugged him.
He hugged her back, then released her and eyed her skeptically. "Do you really mean that, or are you trying to flatter me so you can get out of being grounded?"
"Dad! Of course I mean it. But, well, I would like to not be locked in my room for the rest of the summer either," she admitted, giving him a pleading look.
"Oh, quit giving me puppy dog eyes, young lady. Much as you deserve to be punished for the rest of the summer just the way you said, I won't do it this time. Because your own guilt over disobeying me and fearcasting Wrackspur is a more severe punishment than anything I could come up with. Wouldn't you agree?"
"Yes, sir." Arista replied and meant it. He knew her too well. She would bear the guilt for her actions for far longer than a month. "I love you, Dad."
"I love you too," he smiled at her. Then he picked up his wand and cancelled the Muffliato spell. "Now why don't you go downstairs and tell Trish the good news, because she's not grounded either. And let your friends see you're still in one piece, I think they expected me to dismantle you or something."
"Now why doesn't that surprise me?" Arista chuckled. Then she looked at him and asked, "Did you and Mom share a soulbond?"
Slowly, Severus nodded. "We did, though she never told me about it until she had left for America. Said she didn't want me to think I'd been enspelled or anything. I told her she was ridiculous, that love spells were nothing compared to this, and I loved her before the soulbond and would have anyway. Does that answer all of your questions, Miss Curiosity?"
"For today, yeah," she laughed, then skipped down the stairs, leaving her rather bemused father staring after her.
He hadn't intended to reveal so much to her, but then she was an empath and one naturally told an empath what was bothering them, and it had evidently bothered him keeping secrets from her. Oh well, she was bound to find out eventually, and forewarned is forearmed, he thought.