The Truth of My Perception

Chronology: Tristan is 27. Raja is 17. Ardeth is 9 months.

Raja couldn't sleep for the past week. Tristan had been gone for thirteen days, and while she was adept at taking care of Ardeth's needs now, sometimes a deep seeded fear would come over her when she would wake in the middle of the night, sweat coating her body from a night terror. Images of THEM were clouding her vision. And she would think for a fleeting moment: How can I protect my child when, at times, I cannot even seem to protect myself?

It was mid-December and while there was little snow on the ground, the weather was frigid and sharp. She tried to keep her health as stable as possible, but a month ago she had come down with a horrible fever, so terrible and high that she was delusional. She was too weak to pick up her child, and she tried to get well as fast as possible. And how embarrassing it was for her to wake up screaming from a nightmare, waking her child with her screams to which he began to add his to. Raja would pull herself together with as much will as possible and scramble up to comfort her child.

She was the adult, she had to protect her child. She would hold her child with quivering arms, Tristan gently coaxing her to sit down to ease her trembling limbs. Raja could barely look at him, her shame consuming her. He felt her woe and stroked her cheek lovingly. He tried to tell her it was all right, but it wasn't.

"I'm the parent, Tristan," she would whisper adamantly to him, trying not to cry.

"You can't help the demons that haunt you Raja. A child won't make them go away," he told her. "This doesn't make you any less of a mother."

Now, Raja read by candlelight, listening to the soft, content breathing of her little Ardeth. He was already quite the precocious baby. He would sit rapt whenever someone spoke, idly explaining anything to him even though he could not quite understand their words. Ardeth responded to their voices and simply commands. His father was already taking him to the armory, pointing out all the different weapons and their specific uses.

Ardeth wanted to touch and examine everything, and had a habit of sticking his fingers in any crevice he could. His Uncle Lancelot was easy holding him now, and often got a finger in his ear or nostril, to which he would laugh good-naturedly. When he had begun to crawl, Tristan and Raja had been elated. Tristan had been there for Ardeth's first cautious steps, and now their baby was rapidly coming to control his motor skills more efficiently. Bors would joke that now the agony would start – trying to catch up with the child.

The baby stirred and Raja got up and looked into his crib. He looked up at her with big eyes, and gurgled a smile at her. She picked him up, and he rested his forehead against her cheek. She placed soft kisses on his baby skin. Looking at him as time passed, she knew he would resemble his father greatly. He definitely would have Tristan's chiseled cheekbones. He had her raven-black hair, and it would be wavy.

"Your baba should be back in just a few days," she told Ardeth.

Ardeth crooned hearing "baba."

Three days later Tristan and the rest of the knights arrived. He gave Raja a big, deep kiss, then Ardeth reached his hands out to his father.

"I could swear our son grew while I was gone," he said proudly.

Ardeth laughed and tugged on one of his father's braids. After Tristan bathed, he held Ardeth while Raja took care of his hair and aching feet, wrapping them in warm cloths over the soothing balm.

Tristan had asked how she was earlier, but she waved it off with a smile. He asked again, seeing the somewhat off look in her eyes.

"Did you sleep, Raja?"

"A bit," she replied.

As time had gone by, Tristan's worry was less when he had to go out. It was just something time had allowed him to do, but he was always elated to see his Raja and child when he returned, a large lump of happiness would grow inside of him. Raja still was haunted by her demons, and he comforted her as he always did. Never impatient, never angry. He knew she felt herself a failure as a protector to Ardeth, and he always reassured that she was the best mother any child could ask for – and he meant it.

That night, they made voraciously passionate love that lasted hours.

7/19/07